DontWorryBHappy Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Since breaking up with a guy who thought he wanted to marry me (after we'd dated for about two weeks) in March I had decided to close myself off from dating. Never before have I made a conscious decision to stay away from it.. I've always at least been open to it whenever I've been single. But these days, my days are completely about me and my goals. I'm currently getting into the best shape of my life (abs are actually starting to show, lower body fat %, regular working out @ home and gym), plus I've been making great strides in learning the piano, I moved across town, and I landed a new job, all within the past few weeks. When I'm at the gym I may notice a cute guy or something and I'll still flirt, but I can't imagine making all the strides that I'm starting to if a boyfriend was in the mix. Who knows, maybe I just haven't learned the art of balance yet. But it does seem that at this time in my life, it would only be a negative thing for me to pursue a relationship. It's also not very encouraging to hear about all the excitement and love that was present in my mother and father's relationship at one time, but it ended in a bitter divorce after 18 or so years... They don't speak a word to each other anymore. And there's my grandma who's been married for over 60. I found out that she often goes to the office where her company is (even though she's basically retired) just to get away from my grandpa for a bit (lol, I think she still loves him, but the guy does talk a lot, maybe it drives her nuts sometimes.. but to be fair, she probably wouldn't change anything). Maybe some people just get lucky with relationships. Maybe a rare few survive and even go the distance (and do so HAPPILY). But to me, it's like a game of russian roulette. You might win, but there's still a pretty high chance you might lose. I'm afraid to lose. 4
wwwjd Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 I think this is such a healthy thing! Nearly every girl I have ever known moved from one relationship right into the next, NEVER taking some quiet time on thier own to get to know themselves better! SOOOOO COOL you are doing this. More girls should try this break thing and make sure they are good with themselves first. Not that you WEREn't but like you are saying, it allowed you to focus on other very relevant stuff in life. Instead of, "I'm missing something big in my life without a man". I think a man should ENHANCE or COMPLIMENT your life, not COMPLETE it. 1
Jane2011 Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 It's totally true you accomplish so much when not in a relationship. I've gotten 120 pages of a novel complete since my last boyfriend.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 Yeah, I don't see myself dating for a long while to be honest. I'm at a prime point for growth in my life... and the alternative of spending a chunk of that time worrying about a guy doesn't seem appealing, even if it's a great guy. Even if it was a wonderful guy, I still don't think I would necessarily learn to be as much of a wonderful girl unless I have a very long stretch to myself. I have a cousin that hadn't really gotten started in life yet, then met a girl who fell pregnant, and now they are raising their new baby. They both live with his parents and he works at a Lowe's. Love my cousin, but would never want his life (or the girl's life). At least avoiding dating and sex will ensure that I'm never in that kind of situation. Somehow life just feels more free recently with this attitude, because when I go out and do anything, whether it be working out, or learning a new skill, or meeting people, I'm not thinking about how I'm being judged. I'm not thinking about where I stand in the dating market... I asked a random guy a question at the gym today, and did so with a confidence that I never would have if I was looking for dates. He was attractive, but with me not being interested in dating, I simply could speak to him for a moment then continue on. The old me would be wondering if he thought I was attractive and if he'd want to date me, lol. It's almost as if all people are simply people now, and the world is easier to manage in my mind.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 (edited) Lol, I never said I was trying to get a 6 pack. I said my abs are starting to show. Seeing the outline of toned, strong abs on a woman is sexy in my opinion, and it's great for overall fitness. People also need strong abs for more than just looks. And I don't appreciate the comment about a man "not wanting a woman who is rock hard all over". Why did you make this about pleasing men? As if I should be worried about what a man will think about my results from ab exercises? Can you not tell from this thread that I'm not concerned with what a man thinks about me anyway??? God forbid I would be doing ab exercises for my own reasons that have nothing to do with what a man thinks... I guess you have to wrap your head around that one a bit. And in today's society, flirting pretty much means being playful with the opposite sex. Or at least, that's MY definition. My "flirting" is probably different from other people's flirting... because to me it just means being really bubbly and outgoing when I'm talking to a guy. There's no sexual undertones, no touching, nothing aside from acting excited to talk to the person... which is actually pretty normal and human. p.s. try leaving out your comments about other LS posters in your replies. Can be taken as offensive. Edited April 6, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 (edited) Lol, it's possible for someone to find themselves sexy, in case you didn't know. If my abs look toned, or any other part of me, I find it sexy on myself (as in, I think I look good). And you are wrong, that doesn't have anything to do with men at all. It simply means that I like the way I look. WTF does that have to do with lesbianism? You're obviously throwing that out there just to be a smart ass. Oh yeah, and looks are only one reason for ab workouts. I also like being a strong person - and yeah, abs are included. Strong abs improve your posture and even help with back pain! Perhaps I should have been more clear about my meaning of "not caring about what men think about me". I mean, in a DATING sense. I'm sure I do treat them differently even without being interested in dating. Hell, I probably do it without being aware of it some of the time. We probably all care about what others think on some level, but really, you're picking at my words too much. The point is, I'm not interested in going out with anyone. Edited April 6, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy 2
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 Lol, so now liking the way you look and finding yourself sexy means you're narcissistic. Warped attitudes you have, my friend.
Desensitized Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 lol. I feel like people throw the word "narcissism" out too loosely. As humans, narcissism, or the love of oneself is essential for growth, and is needed, to a degree.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 There's a fine line, of which you don't seem to be acknowledging. I never said that I stare at myself 24 hours a day thinking that I'm sexy like I'm Snooki from Jersey Shore. Looking in the mirror and thinking that oneself is sexy is not a crime, and does NOT make that person narcissistic. If you decided to look at yourself in the mirror and thought to yourself that you look sexy, that does not mean you are a narcissist! I fail to understand why you think that would be the case. You can look in the mirror and feel you are an attractive (and yes, god forbid, a SEXY person) and still be a wonderful human being. You can even think you're sexy and also be someone who helps others and makes a difference in the world. OR you can be someone who CONSTANTLY stares at themselves, does NOT help others, and generally only values their physical appearance or other superficial attributes. There is a difference. It doesn't have to be one extreme or the other.
ThatDudeXO Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Wow....it didn't take long for this positive post to be hijacked with crazy negative comments. Geez people..just appreciate her revelation, she is right for the most part. Dating is a waste of time, if you work on yourself and be happy, something special will fall in your lap. The special ones aren't the ones you actively search for, they jusy fit perfectly in your life at the right times. 3
RedRobin Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Yea... some guys take it very personally when an attractive woman takes herself out of the dating pool for any reason, apparently... Funny... you don't see women jumping on the men's threads and shooting them down when they need to take a break. Just the opposite actually. to the OP, notice he got lots of 'attention' from you and responses. When you see this behavior either here or IRL, you can see what it looks like and walk away. Here, you just select 'ignore'.
sid3 Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Good for you OP. Nothing wrong with wanting to take a break and being sexy at the same time. Nice. Funny... you don't see women jumping on the men's threads and shooting them down when they need to take a break. Just the opposite actually. True. And I'd add that not surprisingly within a week or so most of the guys are usually starting threads or posting about dating again and it becomes obvious they're not really wanting to take a break. They're not fooling anyone. Hey Lady!!!.... Got the big girl panties on today huh . That a girl:laugh:
grkBoy Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Good for you DontWorryBeHappy. This is what I did in my past. It's what I tell anyone who is frustrated with dating to do. Get off the market and make your life about you. You should also try traveling alone. Go someplace and be an explorer.
wwwjd Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 This is a crazy good direction for women. Take some time off between relationships to dust off, recenter, ENJOY life a little before getting back into that pattern or MAN-PLEASING. (im male BTW) Can any of the women here please explain the man hopping thing where you get out of a relationship, and right into another one? Usually this involves lining up the next one before bailing on the first one - which is totally cheating in my eyes - it seems like these girls ALWAYS needs a mans emotionally support? I just can't fathom ever doing that. I need time to mourne, reassess what went wrong, gather my ducks up etc
verhrzn Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Can any of the women here please explain the man hopping thing where you get out of a relationship, and right into another one? Usually this involves lining up the next one before bailing on the first one - which is totally cheating in my eyes - it seems like these girls ALWAYS needs a mans emotionally support? I just can't fathom ever doing that. I need time to mourne, reassess what went wrong, gather my ducks up etc I did it once on accident... I wasn't really meaning for it to be a rebound and it had all the wrong elements to it (he was moving across country, he was younger than me, we worked together, etc), and yet it ended up my longest lasting and (for the first 2ish years) happiest relationship. I'm sure to other people it looked like I was jumping from guy to guy, but that really wasn't the case. Anyway, I know plenty of guys who jump as well. Most of my exes have had new girlfriends inside a month. I think part of the phenomenon for either genders is that although they've just ended the relationship, they've been "mourning" it for a while. In their minds, they actually are single even while still technically dating the other person, so when they jump into the new relationship, they convince themselves they have taken time off. I think it's an awful practice, and it's a big anxiety of mine... a guy dating me even though he's already "checked out" of the relationship.
Lostinlife4now Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 So in your opinion "strong toned abs" are sexy (emphasis on sexy, as in sexually desirable) on women, hence why you do ab work outs, yet you don't care what men find sexy... So does that mean you are now a lesbian? And if you really are interacting with men and women differently, regardless of you consider to be flirting, then you indeed do care about men and what they think. Old saying....When you look good, you feel good, when you feel good, you do good! I work out and feel sexy for me....I am not dating and do not want to date. Too much trouble...I am happy, free, and sexy to be me for me!! 1
verhrzn Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Okay question for you girls who have given up on dating: how old are you? I ask because, I've been frequently given the advice that I should take a break from dating. But I'm 27 years old... getting up there in years. If I were to take a year off, I'm now 28, competing in a pool of mid-twenty, much hotter girls. I'm always afraid that by taking time off, I'm actually dooming myself to singlehood forever, because dating gets so much harder when you're older. Do you guys ever have these fears? It seems like a lot of early to mid- twenties girls don't worry about that yet.
SadGrl Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 I would date you verhrzn. I don't know what you look like, but following your posts...sad as they are sometimes, you seem to have a good heart. A good, kind heart is very rare in women in general. So if you are interested, let's skype or something or facebook. I live in Brooklyn, NY, but that is not another country, where there is a will, there is a way.
SadGrl Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 OP, like John Travolta and Tom Cruse, should come out of the closet.
Carlos S Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 You go girl! Being single is great if there are things you want to do while single. Who says you need to be attached to have a good time. And in any case, you can always have a FWB or ONS. And there's nothing wrong with appreciating definition in your abs. They're great to glance at in your bathroom window. Especially in the morning, when mine really announce their presence.
wwwjd Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Okay question for you girls who have given up on dating: how old are you? I ask because, I've been frequently given the advice that I should take a break from dating. But I'm 27 years old... getting up there in years. If I were to take a year off, I'm now 28, competing in a pool of mid-twenty, much hotter girls. I'm always afraid that by taking time off, I'm actually dooming myself to singlehood forever, because dating gets so much harder when you're older. Do you guys ever have these fears? It seems like a lot of early to mid- twenties girls don't worry about that yet. I'm over 35 male an that's all I have ta say 'bout that. Maybe less options for me - never really considered that - does that mean I am doing okay finding dates?? Maybe. I didn't know it was any harder being older, nobody told me, I didn't get that memo! I still think one should take SOME time off, instead of lining up one lift support raft right next to the previous one. Learn to swim between! If you have a steady job, can pay your own bills, why NOT take a week or a year off from the game to be your self, find out who you are, learn about all the things you didn't know you were, because you were so busy being WITH someone else.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 verh, I don't think you should commit to taking time out, just don't make dating your focus. I think it can be too much to say 'I am DEFINITELY NOT going to date anyone'. You could pass up all kinds of opportunities. Just go with the flow and don't make dating the be all and end all. Also...don't worry about age. I don't think it counts for half as much as we think it does. We live in a very ageist society, but other factors negate age. In fact, half the time I get peoples ages wrong anyway.
PratyekaYana Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Since breaking up with a guy who thought he wanted to marry me (after we'd dated for about two weeks) in March I had decided to close myself off from dating. Never before have I made a conscious decision to stay away from it.. I've always at least been open to it whenever I've been single. It's fascinating how dramatically the decision to abstain from dating, as opposed to just softening your focus and relegating its importance, shifts your experience of the single life. There's a welling up of energy and drive (which one could rationalize as rerouted libido) for so many other tasks. As an analog to your progress in playing the piano, I noticed my own growth as a musician after having disciplined my craving for attention from the opposite sex. Keep up the good work. 1
Anela Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Okay question for you girls who have given up on dating: how old are you? I ask because, I've been frequently given the advice that I should take a break from dating. But I'm 27 years old... getting up there in years. If I were to take a year off, I'm now 28, competing in a pool of mid-twenty, much hotter girls. I'm always afraid that by taking time off, I'm actually dooming myself to singlehood forever, because dating gets so much harder when you're older. Do you guys ever have these fears? It seems like a lot of early to mid- twenties girls don't worry about that yet. I wasn't that concerned about it at your age, and didn't think of myself as "getting up there". I felt like I was just getting started.
verhrzn Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 I wasn't that concerned about it at your age, and didn't think of myself as "getting up there". I felt like I was just getting started. It's just, any time I do the math in my head, it doesn't work. Let's say I take a year off, and then IMMEDIATELY find a guy when I turn 28. (Not likely, given my fun track record.) We'd need to date a year or two to feel comfortable that we should marry each other. So, we get engaged at 30. A year to marriage is pretty reasonable... I'm now 31. You want a few years without kids... if I get pregnant as soon as we start trying, then I'm getting up into the mid-30's. But my fertility takes a sharp, steep drop after 35, so I could only manage 2 kids before I hit "dry" by 40. (I'd like 3 kids, ideally.) Putting off dating any longer just starts pushing me into "impossible" territory with kids. And then on top of that, there are all these threads and real-life guys saying things like "Women over 30 are worthless." Heck, even online, all the guys in my age range are looking for much younger. It just sort of feels like I better get my relationship act together now, or be alone forever.
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