Okay... so what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

[erwtret]

I've been seeing an ex for almost five months.

 

When we started dating previously, she'd just come out of a long-term relationship and wasn't ready to start over. After a long and complicated break, we've started seeing each other again in the hopes that we could take it slowly and do things the right way.

 

After two months or so of everything going really well, I told her that I wanted to make it official and start dating again.

 

She said that she wants to finish her business course and secure a full-time job before she commits to anything serious. She hasn't been single in a long time and she wants to become more independent as an individual before she welcomes a man back into her life.

 

What's wrong with that, you ask? I #&@$ing hate casual relationships. I'm in love with this girl and being in anything less than a full and committed relationship with her is making me crazy.

 

It's been three months since she told me that and I've been an absolute mess ever since. I read way too deeply into everything that she says and does, I smother her by wanting to see her all the time, I get upset when she doesn't show me the same amount of affection that I show her and I start fights about it constantly.

 

I know for sure that if this keeps up, I am going to lose her.

 

I don't want to be like this. It's not me. I'm usually a lot more independent and endurant than this but it absolutely kills me when I reach out to her and she pulls away.

 

She tries hard to be accommodating and make me feel better but even so, it feels like nothing short of an actual relationship is going to satisfy me. I don't think it'll ever get that far if I don't make some serious changes.

 

How do I just shrug it all off and enjoy what we have right now until she's ready for something more?

Edited April 6, 2012 by erwtret

[wilsonx]

You are not going to get what you want from her. You have 2 choices both have the same conclusion.

 

1) You can man up, end the relationship and walk away, deal with the breakup, reach peace, and find someone that wants to be with you

2) Roll with this, bury your head in the dirt while she kicks you in the balls, continue to roll with this until she gets tired of treating you like a bitch, takes a knife and sticks it through your back into your heart and twists round and round and then kicks you to the curb AGAIN.

 

I would prefer to take door #1, I have a feeling you are going to take door #2.

[rickys]

You are not going to get what you want from her. You have 2 choices both have the same conclusion.

 

1) You can man up, end the relationship and walk away, deal with the breakup, reach peace, and find someone that wants to be with you

2) Roll with this, bury your head in the dirt while she kicks you in the balls, continue to roll with this until she gets tired of treating you like a bitch, takes a knife and sticks it through your back into your heart and twists round and round and then kicks you to the curb AGAIN.

 

I would prefer to take door #1, I have a feeling you are going to take door #2.

I think you are right....He can do only these two things............

[Exit]

I agree with Wilson for once.

 

This is a really toxic situation. It's possible that the reasons she gives you are the absolute truth, but it wouldn't surprise me if there's really something more going on with her. Someone who wants to be with you would want to be with you, regardless of commitments to school courses or finding a job. She wants to consider herself "single", she wants to work on being independent, then let her go do those things, don't let her take advantage of having you as an unofficial boyfriend and doing whatever else in her spare time. When women want a guy, they want him. They wouldn't want to leave things in a vague casual arrangement and risk losing him. Something is up with her, but at its simplest it boils down to "she's just not that in to you".

 

You're gonna end up getting hurt, you already are being hurt. Maybe you'd win more points with her than anything by showing that you have a backbone and telling her you care about her too much to put up with this charade anymore. Even if she pulls the BS to say "if you really cared you'd wait", that's not really the case. That's putting the blame on you when in reality if SHE really cared she wouldn't be doing this to you. Don't fall for that crap about waiting for her, the chances are so slim that it's gonna be a storybook ending where you wait around and be her obedient pet until the day she gets things figured out and fully commits to you and declares her gratitude that you waited it out through the hard times. The chances are so much greater that she'll use you for a little while, and then move on to something or someone else. Real couples work through life's challenges together, that's the beauty of a relationship. They don't split up when things are tough or they have other work to take care of. Don't you deserve that?

 

Don't make this about you, don't fall for these thoughts that you're just too needy and if you could control yourself you'd be able to play it cool until she's ready. Wanting a full official relationship with someone you care about isn't neediness, it's normal. Having someone holding you back at arm's length only makes the so-called neediness worse. I bet if she was actually willing to commit to being your girlfriend you wouldn't be so paranoid or upset if she needed a few nights to herself to focus on school work or whatever. It only drives you crazy right now because you don't know what's really going on with her. So the neediness isn't coming from you, it's coming from this situation she's created.

 

Let her be miss single and independent and don't keep being her doormat in the meantime.

Edited April 6, 2012 by Exit

[Million.to.1]

I agree too.

 

When a person wants to be in a relationship with you, nothing in their lives will stop them. Relationships aren't a job. They are not a chore or something you fit into your schedule. When people use the "i'm just so busy" or the "I need to focus on work" or the "i just don't want a relationship right now" What they mean is "I don't want a relationship with YOU"

 

Everybody wants love and a relationship and to find the right person.

 

I think you should end this before she hurts you more than she already has.

[Frank13]

The replies have been absolutely solid advice. Take it from someone who has been in your situation.

 

You aren't going to lose her because you never had her. You will feel more and more insecure in the relationship which will make you become more angry and fight. This will turn her off even more.

 

Nothing short of an actual relationship should satisfy you. The problem is, you aren't going to get that with her.

 

I suggest you do #1, but like Wilson, I am afraid you will do #2.

[Mr Scorpio]

 

Maybe you'd win more points with her than anything by showing that you have a backbone and telling her you care about her too much to put up with this charade anymore. Let her be miss single and independent and don't keep being her doormat in the meantime.

 

Like Exit said. Your best option might be to start pulling away. I'm not sure you necessarily need to throw down an ultimatum, although you could. Maybe if you aren't around all the time, she'll start to miss you?

[erwtret]

I'm really glad that I posted here.

 

You have all validated things about my situation that I've been thinking and feeling for a long time. She, along with my love for her, has made me doubt things that I would have otherwise been certain of.

 

Exit, your words especially hit home. I have been making this whole thing about myself. I'd come to believe that I was being overly clingy and having excessive emotional needs in regards to things that, really, are just basic relationship conventions.

 

I've been thinking that I simply lack the constitution; I'm not strong enough to endure, and equated walking away to having failed, or not tried hard enough.

 

I don't know if I'm a strong enough person to follow through with #1--precedents would argue that I'm not but I have, at the very least, set the wheels in motion..

[Thatguyintx]

Erwtret,

 

I just got out of a relationship just like you described. Very painful! Start guarding your heart. Most likely, this won't end well.

 

Trust your intuition. It's most likely right.

 

Sorry.