The Ex-factor!

[Arian85]

Hi.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. We've had our ups and downs but are now in a really good place.

 

There is however one thing that bothers me a great deal and makes me very uncomfortable: the ex-factor.

This particular ex girlfriend of his used to cause a lot of drama in the very early stages of our relationship. She would write rude stuff to me, and text him very inappropriate things ("meet me at this hotel and f*** me") and just be an absolute pain in the ass. So understandably she's never been my favourite person. Both my boyfriend and I have always thought she was simply sad and pathetic.

 

Years go by and we don't hear from her, but out of the blue she writes to him on facebook on his birthday last year. Which is not a problem for me. They become friends on Facebook, and since I had moved on from all the past drama I really didn't see a big deal.

 

A few days later she is suddenly friends with his mum and his sister on Facebook...and that's where I start feeling uncomfortable. I feel like she is invading my 'space'.

What's worse is that his mum then decides to meet up with her over the Christmas holidays last year. They were kinda close, but I think it is beyond disrespectful to me. I know that his mum really liked this girl, but why would anyone be so disrespectful? She even knows about all the drama this girl used to cause.

 

Last night the story then took a new turn. The ex girlfriends mum decided to send my boyfriend a message and a friend request on Facebook. Why now, why ever? I don't get it.

 

What hurts the most is that my boyfriend doesn't understand why I feel the way I'm feeling...and he gladly added the ex's mum and wrote her a message back.

 

All my friends and family think this whole situation is just plain wrong and very strange. But I guess him and his family don't. What to do?

[Ninjainpajamas]

@Martinman....She won't leave this guy....not after 7 years...and with all the crap she's been through this is a drop in the bucket.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. We've had our ups and downs but are now in a really good place.

 

Whenever I hear this It's like a woman saying she has been dragged through the dirt by her bf basically but now she's trying to start over and giving the ole so wonderful excuse that sweeps it under the rug "ups and downs".

 

I've never seen at least in my experience a woman stringing along a man for 7 years and then a man saying "oh were just going through our ups and downs" which sadly there probably is someone out there that may say that but It's probably pretty rare.

 

Point being, I don't imagine this guy has treated you well at all over the course of this relationships, he's probably stringed you along like a yo-yo like a lot guys will do, causing problems in the relationship then saying it's partly your fault because you reacted and have your own issues...when your biggest issue is really your insecurity and level of self-respect where you don't even know when to take a stand anymore for yourself...hell this is completely ridiculous yet your family and friends probably accepted the fact that you're out of your mind for being with this guy in the first place, I mean are they even surprised at this point by anything you tell them?

 

He doesn't understand how you're feeling because he doesn't want to! he doesn't care! those are your feelings, and obviously doesn't this value this relationship more than his ex-gf and her family.

 

You blame her for being crazy, well look at him! Don't act like she's just a headcase they're probably meant for each other! are you the calm cool, pushover type that tries to see the best in people and remain optimistic like "hoping" everything will be better?......someday of course, but who knows when.

 

Look, It's inappropriate, IT doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out..hell, you can even see it as blinded as you are in love with this guy, you just don't even know how to react, you're actually naive enough to think your bf doesn't want her around....

 

Oh wait...

- he feels sorry for her?

- she has issues and needs me?

- we still care for each other?

- we've been through a lot together?

 

I mean really? Hey btw, I'm opening this new company that's going to be a multi-billion corporate would you mind selling everything you own and cleaning out your bank account to invest in my company? I promise to give it back...since you believe anything your bf tells you, I'm sure you'd have no problems believing that.

 

I mean seriously, this whole "he think she's sad and pathetic" is the biggest joke on you, you sit there snickering thinking your bf is on your side when on one hands he's bsing you and on the other he's adding her and her family to his facebook, hmmm for someone who thinks she's sad and pathetic he sure doesn't mind making them apart of his life? wonder what that make him? noooo, of course not, he's convinced you that he despises her and has no feelings for her right? what moral code is the white knight serving? he's so chivalrous for doing her the favor! It couldn't possibly be because he still has feelings for her..., what? maybe that's it! maybe he still has feelings for her and can't let her go which is why he keeps her and her family so close? that would be crazy, right?

 

I'm doing my best to rattle that brain of yours to make you think this through, because you know who knows the answers more than any of us on this forum? you do, you know the truth but you're just too afraid to admit, too afraid to let this guy go because If you accept him for the douche he is and realize that he really doesn't want to be with you then you might actually have to let go and build up your self-esteem and work on your own issues.

 

Of course she is invading your space, but guess who's letting her in the back door? your boyfriend, your boyfriend is the accomplice NOT the victim. You need to realize that he's letting this all happen, IF he was over her and really thought she was "sad and pathetic" he would have disconnected her out of his life, and If he really wanted to be with you and invest in your relationship then he would disconnect from women that are interested in him to say the least, and anyone else that is inappropriate to be friends with that disrespects your relationship, because even though you shouldn't control each others lives and tell each other who to be friends with, YOUR relationship should come first, and he'd want to do that not because he had to but because he WANTS to.

 

If not, good luck turning this guy into a decent man...someone who will actually live up to your expectations. By this guys actions it says something about his character, and he doesn't seem ready at all to take your relationship serious, he doesn't even care about how you feel...that says he's more focused on him in this relationship than he is with you, or even us.

Edited April 5, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[Arian85]

Though I really appreciate both replies, let's not assume that I am some dumb little girl who doesn't know how to stand up for herself! As far as I know this forum is for people who have something to say and might need other people's advice! It's not advice to belittle me or make me out to be plain insane!

[veggirl]

OP, he's been with you for 7 years and STILL has an ex hanging around? From over 7 years ago? That is beyond absurd.

[RiverRunning]

I don't think there is anything insane at all about not wanting an ex around. Period. The only exception to this, in my mind, is if the couple share children: in which case any guy who has kids needs to be upfront about that ASAP. A prospective girlfriend can then take it or leave it. But from my past experiences, I can say that most men who are in contact with their exes typically try to hide it. I do wish I had really noticed the red flags with my ex: occasionally he'd say he hadn't spoken to his ex in years, then make reference to e-mailing her once and never hearing back from her (of course, leaving off the fact that the e-mail had been sent recently). When he told me he wasn't talking to her anymore, I believed him.

 

You want to know what I did to get rid of the ex once-and-for-all (and she wasn't even the one causing trouble - his refusal to let go of her at all cost was)?

 

I was tired of it. I decided I was leaving. Bagged up everything he had ever given me or allowed me to borrow. We had argued - like you and your boyfriend, it appears - over and over again about the very same tired issue. "You're just jealous. You're just insecure." I got so tired of hearing that garbage. I have never had a record of being overly insecure or jealous - never had a problem with a boyfriend having female friends (so long as that was ALL they had ever been), going out on their own (in fact, I disliked it when any boyfriend had only me as a friend), etc. I was not the type to squash and dominate over a boyfriend. I encouraged my ex to go to a strip club for someone's bachelor party. Never minded, and even liked, when he watched porn. Not threatened at all.

 

Which is where the "Jealous" crap comes in. This is an attempt to devalue you and to get you to question your own stability. In other words, it's code for, "I'ma do whatever the crap I feel like, and you better go along with it, or I'm going to attach a negative label to you." We are so often taught that 'jealousy' is a dirty word, and if a woman especially feels jealous, it's because she's being 'unreasonable.'

 

You know what? Your boyfriend lost his chance to do whatever he feels like with his ex-girlfriend the moment he started dating you. He lost his right to act completely like a single man the moment he decided to get attached with someone else. There are boundaries in relationships. Sounds like this has been a near-constant issue for nearly 7 years - I am sorry for that. I understand entirely it's hard to leave someone when you care about them, even if they are squashing your self-esteem.

 

My situation was helped by the fact that a co-worker had a crush on me (I never had feelings for him in the least), and he would text me often - over time, he was just contacting me literally to see if I was 'single' yet. When my ex experienced jealousy HIMSELF, suddenly his tune changed like no tomorrow. He stopped contacting his ex, stopped talking about her all of the time, etc. I put up with that garbage for 2 years. I cannot for the life of me see how you have tolerated an even worse case for 7 years.

 

The fact that your boyfriend is still so insensitive to your feelings is -bad- news. This wasn't just an ex who he contacted - this was an ex who wittingly interfered in your relationship and tried to get your boyfriend to bang her. The fact that your boyfriend would want to be 'friends' with her now, after all the stress he has put your relationship through, makes something clear: He doesn't care about you. At least not to the degree that he cares about his ex.

 

It's also telling that his family would willfully friend this girl after knowing the drama she has stirred up. Some things are just better left in the past: including an ex-girlfriend from more than 7 years ago. I was close with both my exes' mothers, but when the relationship ended, I CUT ALL TIES. Why? Because if/when they meet someone new, the new girlfriend does not deserve to have to deal with the ex and to feel like she must fight to find her place in the fold of her boyfriend's family and friends.

 

There are plenty of people who will disagree with me and say that exes can be 'friends' afterward...frankly, I think that's BS. There will likely always be some residual effect of the relationship on that friendship. Frankly, I would never again want to get involved with a guy who's in contact with an ex at all, as I've learned that if they're still talking to the ex, it's usually for one of two reasons: a.) they want to bang her and get back with her first chance they get and/or b.) They're not over her.

 

Either way, neither option bodes well for you, OP.

[Tybalt]

I know it sounds harsh and the replies you got were blunt, but I can tell you the essence is truth. Ninja is coming from a good place - he sees through to the way this guy is and he's spelling it out, albeit in his own style. It doesn't make you a stupid person because you care about someone and want to make it work. But he is spot on about the fact that the boyfriend's behavior is inappropriate and really doesn't take you into account at all. He shouldn't be doing anything that disrespectful. If you were okay with it and encouraged it, that would be one thing, though I think a really good guy would be a little uncomfortable with the whole scenario.

 

People who love and respect each other do just that, and don't take chances with those kinds of boundaries. Especially in a long term relationship like yours, when she has caused problems in the past. How about you? Will she be your facebook friend and apologize for what she did and have all her interactions with your boyfriend out in the open and inclusive of you? I doubt it. But ultimately it is not her responsibility to honor you, it is your boyfriend's.

 

The problem is, as Ninja said, the cycle can become to tolerate and tolerate until there's so little of yourself left that you question reality and your own perceptions and sense of boundaries. It's how jerks get away with hurting women over and over. I speak from the perspective of someone who has experienced that, but no more. It has taken some painful growing time and hard work but I am simply unwilling to put up with someone mind-effing with me anymore. And I'm not dumb either.

[RiverRunning]

Here's to no more mind-effs. Get out, OP. At least some of us have been there and generally it doesn't get better.

 

This very situation ended my relationship: even after he stopped his behaviors, it had gone on so long and he had crushed my self-esteem so much that I just couldn't get over it. I'd say by now it's really too late to salvage this even if he DOES change.

 

This is something best fixed after a few months: when you get to years of putting up with it, the damage is just done.

[FitChick]

Ever hear of "the seven year itch?" He is bored in your relationship. The fact that you never got married speaks volumes. His ex knows things are not serious with you or he would have married you by now. He and she have both changed so perhaps things might be better between them now if they got back together. You were a place holder.

 

The only thing I can suggest, if you want to hang on, is to insinuate yourself into their communications. Contact her with him as a couple. Maybe invite her to a party where you have lots of single men. Talk to your boyfriend about fixing her up with one of his friends, neighbors, co-workers because you "feel sorry for her." How he reacts will speak volumes.

[phineas]

It sounds like nobody respects the OP.

Not the BF

Not his mother

Not his sister's.

 

They don't even like her if their facebooking an ex & meeting with her.

 

Then the ex & her mom that don't show respect for their "relationship"

 

OP, why are you with this guy again?

How old are you?

 

The only ex I have in my life is my ex-wife & my interactions with her along with my families are only because of the kids.

[RiverRunning]

 

The only thing I can suggest, if you want to hang on, is to insinuate yourself into their communications. Contact her with him as a couple. Maybe invite her to a party where you have lots of single men. Talk to your boyfriend about fixing her up with one of his friends, neighbors, co-workers because you "feel sorry for her." How he reacts will speak volumes.

 

This is actually really good advice. I don't know if I would suggest physically meeting up with her. I'd even just casually say in front of the boyfriend, "I think we should introduce (ex-girlfriend) and (one of my friends, one of your friends, etc.) to each other. I think they might hit it off and start dating."

 

Does he calmly and rationally give reasons for why such a pairing might not work? That's a neutral response. Does he react hastily - with anger? Bang. You have your smoking gun, OP. And then you run.

[InJest]

Though I really appreciate both replies, let's not assume that I am some dumb little girl who doesn't know how to stand up for herself!!

 

Why shouldn't we assume this? From what you've described it is an accurate description. Perhaps not dumb, but the rest fits. Put your money where you mouth is. Tell him to cease contact or you're gone.

[Arian85]

Let's once again not jump to conclusions. Even though my bf and his ex are 'friends' on Facebook, he doesn't write back when she writes to him. How do I know this? Well a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, so yes I have his Facebook password. Now you might ask 'why are they friends on Facebook if he doesn't talk to her?' and I can't answer that question. The girl doesn't even live in the same country as us. My major issue ATM is that he can't understand why I feel uncomfortable with the fact that she is friends with the mum and the sister. And that he is now friends with her mum. Do I think he should delete ex and ex's mum from his Facebook. Most definitely. But that won't make her go away since my bf's mum and sister are still friends with her. And I don't think it is my job to tell them not to be. That should be my bf's job.