NeverDated Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 My XH was abusive (verbally, physically and emotionally) and I'm fairly sure he was also unfaithful. It's been a year since our "official" separation - the date we're using on paper - and I don't know why it still irks me. They say wives just know, and I always had that feeling. Toward the end, I was flipping through his phone (he was driving and told me to hunt down a text with an address in it) and saw another text that said "[name] needs new shoes. Can you...", the rest was snipped because it wasn't open. At first, I laughed about it and figured it was SPAM. I mentioned it and he just laughed nervously, so I opened it. The whole thing was "[name] needs new shoes. Can you send some money for him? I haven't heard from you in a while and he's starting school soon." I read it out loud and tried to keep up the guise of a joke. He got irate, saying he could "tell what I was thinking and to get that f'ing thought out of my head." I asked him why someone was sending him a text asking for money for a kid starting school, and he said it was a "wrong f'ing number" and he was "tired of being questioned." Grabbed the phone away from me, threw it against the windshield and just lost it, screaming, yelling, swearing. Then it sunk in that the text went to a Google Voice number that I didn't know about. Later that night, after he was asleep, I went into his phone. That text and any record of that number were removed. The next morning, the password for his Google account had been changed. So now that I've vented all that...why do I still care so much? The idea that he has some other child out there from an affair on top of the four we had together just sends me over the edge. How do I let that go?
Jstub Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 My XH was abusive (verbally' date=' physically and emotionally) and I'm fairly sure he was also unfaithful[/b']. It's been a year since our "official" separation - the date we're using on paper - and I don't know why it still irks me. They say wives just know, and I always had that feeling. Toward the end, I was flipping through his phone (he was driving and told me to hunt down a text with an address in it) and saw another text that said "[name] needs new shoes. Can you...", the rest was snipped because it wasn't open. At first, I laughed about it and figured it was SPAM. I mentioned it and he just laughed nervously, so I opened it. The whole thing was "[name] needs new shoes. Can you send some money for him? I haven't heard from you in a while and he's starting school soon." I read it out loud and tried to keep up the guise of a joke. He got irate, saying he could "tell what I was thinking and to get that f'ing thought out of my head." I asked him why someone was sending him a text asking for money for a kid starting school, and he said it was a "wrong f'ing number" and he was "tired of being questioned." Grabbed the phone away from me, threw it against the windshield and just lost it, screaming, yelling, swearing. Then it sunk in that the text went to a Google Voice number that I didn't know about. Later that night, after he was asleep, I went into his phone. That text and any record of that number were removed. The next morning, the password for his Google account had been changed. So now that I've vented all that...why do I still care so much? The idea that he has some other child out there from an affair on top of the four we had together just sends me over the edge. How do I let that go? Look at the sentences I highlighted - Are you seriously asking? The abusive part alone is enough to just walk - the affair and the child make no difference whatsoever. You have to leave. PERIOD. There is no way he will change (unless there is something you are not telling us).
Author NeverDated Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 Oh wow. I'm sorry, I didn't see how it could be taken in that direction! No, I'm not talking about reconciliation. We're done. Completely, for good. I don't know how to let it go for myself...get over it, move past it, however you want to put it. Everything else I've come to terms with. This just eats at me still.
Yasuandio Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 (edited) Removed post. Edited April 5, 2012 by Yasuandio
Author NeverDated Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 You will get to a point that you don't care about it anymore. It takes time, and the amount of time to let go will vary per person. You just have to trust that it will, and in the meantime, allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel about it. Going through the stages of grief is necessary to heal. I know you're right. I wish there was a magic way to let it go faster. My divorced friends all tell me not to let it bother me because it doesn't change anything. And it doesn't, but I'm just driving myself insane wondering if my kids have a half-brother somewhere out there. A few years before we split, a "good friend" of his from college had an abortion. At the time, he said [consistently] that he really needed to be there for her because she had nowhere else to turn. I always had access to his Google accounts, so I could check if our business clients had gotten in touch with him directly, and I recall stumbling across a few e-mails from her. He'd been really open/honest with the entire situation, and we were married FFS, so I never felt any guilt reading them to catch up on what was going on. Sometimes, they read like "more than friend" e-mails, but I didn't think too much of it. About 6 months later, he was beyond distraught one day when he came home from classes. Apparently [supposedly] her abortion had "missed one" - she had been pregnant with twins and only one was removed. More of the e-mails and one day I mentioned them. After that, there were no more e-mails from her and he didn't tell me a thing that was going on. For years, it nagged at me that maybe it was his child. I'd bring her up from time to time, asking if he had any news, how things with her/her boyfriend were going, and I always got evasive answers. Then I saw that text and put 2 and 2 together. Water under the bridge, I suppose, but I just wish I knew.
elfman Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Hi Never... I'm sorry to hear your story, seems like that guy did not deserve you. I am going through a separation at the moment and I believe my wife is having an affair, (In my country you are legally married during the separation, and adultery can be considered reason to make a divorce lawsuit much tougher for the wayward spouse). Even though my wife has been the meanest person in the planet during the last 3 months, and considering all the AWFUL things she's said and done, I STILL have a high pressure in my chest every time I think about the "supposed" OM, to the point where I am having trouble sleeping and have horrible dreams... I do want to separate, (wasn't initially my idea, but I cant keep a marriage going by myself, so it grew on me), but right now I feel like anything I do will be based on a LIE, a lie which she is choosing to perpetuate. See I do want to let her go, and want to be honest and kind during the separation, meaning I want it to be the least painful separation possible for my kids... but by not choosing to be OPEN about it, my wife is making it difficult for me to move on... So to your question as to "why do I still care?" I have the following insight, which I hope might help: 1- No one likes to be treated as a moron: For example, consider you ask someone to get you a cup of coffee that costs $3, and give then a $10 bill... they come back and YOU KNOW it costs $3, but they keep the change and say nothing of it... This makes you feel like THEY THINK you are a moron, and thus triggers a negative response / thought toward that person... Point: Do not treat us like morons. 2- By being defensive, they are playing a guilt reassignment game, and you are falling right into it. My wife too gets like an African Honey Badger (look it up in google for some laughs), when I get near her phone, and she always has excuses for where she ha been, and why she came home late, etc... By getting irate and violent she is dumbing down my own anger at her lies, and it's a sure way to make me just drop the subject... Point: Do not confront unless you have definitive proof, and make sure the confrontation has a purpose (like gaining a little flexibility to make your desires hear as far as separation rights, etc... or to simply state the obvious point above... WE ARE NOT MORONS). Any confrontation without proof will always be met with violence and ridicule on their part, and in your case, I am afraid any confrontation, with or without proof, may be treated with violence... so watch it. (I've had no proof of my wife's affair yet, but that nagging feeling will kill me if I don't prove it/disprove it). 3- Letting go, for me at least, will require ALL events in the marriage to be disclosed mutually... I have accepted and regretted my errors, and she has not... This possible affair on her part is the mother of all lies as far as I am concerned... I do not believe in having a relationship with my Ex if she cannot confess/accept her wrongdoing. I will be forced to have a relationship with her because of 2 kids... but it will be very detrimental to end our marriage with such a huge white elephant in the room. I hope my post gives you some insight into understanding WHY you still feel like crap every time you think about the signs and flags going up... Hope things turn out well for you. E.
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