ABigBoyDiditThenRan Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Hi everyone, I'm new to the site. I would like to share my story and receive some well balanced opinions from those of you who read it. I'll try to keep it as concise as possible, whilst giving as much information as I can. I'm a 31yr old woman. I am a single parent to an almost 14yr old who is a credit to me. As you will have figured out, I was 18 yrs old when I gave birth, however, this has not prevented me from carving a successful career and enjoying a great relationship with my daughter. I've had to work long and hard to build a life for us and have been a single parent since she was 1yr old. It was and is so important to me to be a strong, loving role-model for her, instilling a work ethic. I did not and do not want my child to think that it was acceptable to use the fact that I was a teen-parent as any kind of excuse for not providing for her. I chose to better myself, to strive to make a better life for us both and in doing so, have not been able to maintain any kind of LTR over 4 years and until recently, did not foresee having any more babies..... .....Then I met a man who changed my mind. Actually, he was a friend first and I knew him for over a year before we 'found ourselves together'. It was strange, I wasn't physically attracted to him for the year before, or in fact for around two months into our relationship but I loved spending time with him and soon fell in love and to me, he was the most beautiful man walking this earth. We argued very rarely, however, like any couple it happened but for 95% of our time together we laughed and were best friends as well as lovers. Something concerned me when we argued...He ran, he finished the relationship over what seemed the silliest disagreement. It caused drama where a cooling off period should have been appropriate. Here it is...we had a silly argument last week. He sent me a text message later that evening saying he loved me and wanted to be with me. At last I thought we were beginning to be able to have healthy arguments....The next morning I got the text 'I can't do it any more' 'I don't think things are going to change' 'I'm sorry'. I tried calling, he ignored me. I tried to text him, he ignored me. 'OK' I thought, I'll give him some space....that was until this morning when I found out we were going to have a baby. I knew he'd most likely ignore a call, so sent a message. He replied and has been supportive. He said he needs to see me, that we have to talk. He said that he isn't going to be a d*ck and despite me rebuffing his requests, he kept on asking. I love him, I want to do this together. I do not want the struggles for my baby that my beautiful girl has had to experience. I quite simply, do not want to bring a child into a life of broken families, single parents and constant struggle. Additionally, this baby is not my daughter's responsibility but she will be relied on heavily to help me where a father should be helping. I don't even really know what I'm asking here, just for some ideas on what seems to be going on. I'm too close to the trees to see clearly. Many, many thanks in advance.
january2011 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Talk to him. Find out if he really wants to be involved (and how much) in this child's upbringing as well as throughout the pregnancy. Make contingency plans with your support network in case you're not satisfied that he can give you his full support. Think about the practical and financial aspects of how you're going to do this. Factor in the likelihood that you might have to do this without him. Given that he ran from what seems to be a minor disagreement, I would be concerned that he's not ready to take on the full responsibility of parenthood. However, he may yet surprise you.
Author ABigBoyDiditThenRan Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 Thank you for your very balanced take on my situation.
TaraMaiden Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 I take it from the gist of your post that an abortion is out of the question. your relationship with this man, is unfortunately, a completely separate issue to the fact that you now both find yourselves in the position of being parents. Whatever the differences between you on a personal and emotional level, the fact that you are expecting his baby isn't changed by that, nor does it change anything there. But now, being pregnant, he has to assume responsibility that there is a child in the making, that is half his. and that doesn't necessarily mean he will be a partner to you, but it does mean, unquestionably, that he has to be a father.
rickys Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 The only solution of this problem is communication. Just talk to him on this matter.....
Cypress25 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Talk to him in person. He may step up and do the right thing. At the very least, he will owe you child support payments for the next 18 years, if abortion and adoption are out of the question. Hopefully he'll be willing to do more than write a check every month; he might be willing to actually help you raise the child, like a father should. Additionally, this baby is not my daughter's responsibility but she will be relied on heavily to help me where a father should be helping. I'm sorry, but that's not an option. You can't rely on your teenage daughter to take the place of the baby's father. It's not her fault that you got knocked up. You and your boyfriend are responsible for this baby, no one else. I can't stress this enough. Think about the message you would be sending to your daughter: "Men don't have to take responsibility for their actions. Since I didn't hold my man accountable, I'm going to put the burden on my daughter instead." If you want to keep this baby, you have two options: Raise him with the father or raise him by yourself (with child support from the father). Don't drag your daughter into this and force her to act as a replacement father to the kid. You'll ruin her life doing that, and she'll resent you for it. 1
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