setsenia Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 For starters, we have no idea when or if they are getting married. We heard last year the plans were for June, but it's obviously not happening since there are no plans, no ring and no date. Another thing is they never get along. All they do is argue over the phone, threatening each other. My brother has issues of his own, yet tells her not to settle for minimum wage jobs (despite no education or skills/experience) and he thinks she's going to go back to school. They have been together nearly 4 years and my entire family has heard that she "will go back to school" the entire time. It's just talk. She'd made it clear she hates school, but keeps saying she'll go back to school soon. She also makes it a point to mention how she wants kids within 2 years despite not living with my brother, not married, both are unemployed. She's made it clear how much she loves kids and wants to be a mother. That's what she wants to do. And my brother thinks he can force her to go to school, because they need to make a living. She's already getting resentful and frustrated with him, so I have no clue how they'd be able to even start a marriage when there is so many issues in their relationship right now. I told him she obviously does not want a big degree and he needs to accept that and move on. His answer is "never say never, my friend's mom went back to school at 40". She is 25 and my brother is 27. I asked him if he really wants to wait that long. LOL. I told him if he wants to wait to see if she goes back to school, he might end up feeling like he wasted his time. I told him he cannot change anyone. She might make excuses like she cannot afford it or they have been moving around too much, but if you really want to go back to school, you make it happen. Even if it's just taking one class at a time or doing distance learning courses. He and my dad like to compare his girlfriend and my husband. The difference is that my husband wasn't sure what he wanted to do as far as a career, so he was off school for 2 years while he worked full time. He says my husband wouldn't have went back to school if it weren't for me pushing him. There is a big difference between encouraging someone to find themselves and forcing them to do something they obviously don't want to do. In this case, she doesn't want to go to school. In the end, you cannot force success. The individual has to make it happen. Even if they do go to school, they have to make success happen on their own, you cannot do it for them. My husband got his AA degree and we are both working on our bachelors degrees through a private school. He's worked really hard, he just wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his life between 20 and 22.
HurtZ Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I'm not sure if you are just venting or if you have an actual question. I guess my question to you would be-- why are you so concerned with what your brother's gf does with her life? If your brother is happy with her then it really is none of your business. My advice would be to butt out and let them live their lives. If they want to have kids and get on welfare then so be it. cheers. 1
january2011 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 It seems clear that you don't like this girl. But since your brother is 27, he has the right to choose who he marries. As his sister, all you can really do is be there to support him, even if you disagree with his choices and those of his fiance. He's making his own family unit now, just as you made your own family unit with your husband. I get that you're probably just venting, but I vote for letting him be and let him make his own choices (and mistakes). If he asks your opinion, perhaps try to be as tactful as you can without getting yourself too involved in his business. 1
Author setsenia Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 It's not necessarily that I don't like her, but more so the fact that my brother thinks she will change and trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do. I am actually on her defense on this one. If she doesn't want to go to school, it's her choice. College isn't for everyone. He tells her what she should and shouldn't do as far as jobs. I just told him, if he doesn't like it, move on. But you're right, it is his choice. I just let him know you can't change anyone. *shrugs*
january2011 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 It's not necessarily that I don't like her, but more so the fact that my brother thinks she will change and trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do. Not a great start for a marriage, I agree. And apologies that I got the wrong end of the stick regarding your viewpoint. It is great that you are trying to be an objective bystander - I think that's all you can do in this situation. 1
Author setsenia Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 I'm not sure if you are just venting or if you have an actual question. I guess my question to you would be-- why are you so concerned with what your brother's gf does with her life? If your brother is happy with her then it really is none of your business. My advice would be to butt out and let them live their lives. If they want to have kids and get on welfare then so be it. cheers. I only voiced my concern because he appears unhappy. If he appeared happy, by all means, that's cool. But one time we were all dining out and he bitched at her on the phone the entire time we were eating together. Not only was it rude, but he had us listening to his conversation the entire time. It happens on a frequent basis. Every time we see them or he answers the phone to her while he's with us, he makes lots of threats and tells her what she should and shouldn't do. I just told him if it bothers him that much he should move on.
HurtZ Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 It must really suck seeing your brother unhappy and in a dysfunctional relationship and yet unable to do anything. Maybe remind him that just because you go to college doesn't mean you will be able to pay your bills. I have lots of friends who are college graduates and waiting tables. As already stated, just don't get too involved in their choices and let them make their own way-- they will discover if it was bad or good but there isn't anything you can do as an outsider except offer your opinion (when asked). Good luck.
HurtZ Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 ya, also..I would ask him politely that if he chooses to argue with his girlfriend that he not do it when you are around him because it upsets you. If he is a nice brother, he will save his arguing for when it is just them alone.
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