sparklesthezipper Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 So I'll just kind of outline it all and try not to make a novel out of it. When I was in 7-8th grade (now both in 12th), I fell for one of my best friends. After about one and a half years of chasing her, she asked me out and honestly it was brilliant. We were in a relationship for just over two years and though at times it was rocky, we loved each other to bits. Complimentary interests, same morals towards important issues and attitudes, same general goals. But she got depression last year and I tried to help, but she's very private about her emotions and didn't tell me much about it - just expected me to know. And I guess she started to blame me for not being there for her. It's not that I didn't try. It's more the fact that for half the time I didn't know, and the other half she was trying to act like she was fine when she wasn't and me being me, didn't push her to tell me anything she didn't seem comfortable with - I mean, I didn't want to hurt or offend her. Such a coward. I tried but I could have done more... we just didn't talk about it. Communication errors, clearly. So around three months ago she breaks up with me, when I thought things were finally getting better. I admit; I did all the things I shouldn't. I pushed. And my answers went from 'we'll see how we go, yeah?' and 'I'd love to review things after we've had a bit of a breather' to, 'no, I don't want it, I feel nothing for you'. And though I stopped I fear I stopped too late and it has come to the point where she has said she doesn't trust me and that 'we had a really great friendship and relationship but I guess things change'. All largely my fault. Frankly, now that I look back I can see everything we could have done to remedy it or make it easier for each other. This is each other's first love we're talking about. We are both 17 and I feel as though I've lost the most important person in my life. And surely I should be a bit more okay by now, right? But she seems fine and won't even talk to me and I am essentially a giant mess, crying all the time and everything. It's getting ridiculous. And sometimes I think if I be gentle and put some effort in I could try and earn her trust back. But times like now I am so consumed by how much I love, miss her and how much these memories of holding her hurt that I wish I could disappear. Is it worth putting this effort in? Or you think it would be a lost cause? I want her more than I have ever wanted anything - we had plans for when we left school and everything - and she is more than worth it. But if there's no chance of reconciliation then, well, I guess I have no choice but to move on... which I won't lie, feels unbearable and impossible. I guess what I'm asking is, what do I do? Am I better off moving on or is that the easy way out? If it's time and effort that is needed I am more than willing to put it in, but I suppose it is down to whether it is still possible for us... I'm not sure she can really feel nothing for me after only two and a half months after a reasonably lengthy relationship. The shutting me out kind of stings. If there is any chance at all then I refuse to have to have what ifs lingering around or just throw in the towel because I love her to bits. If however, it really has zero chance of happening, it's not exactly like I am in a position to change that (yet somehow it still hurts like hell, ha). And if I do have to move on... how the hell do I do it? It feels totally beyond me. Despite my best efforts, it did turn into a novel. Sorry
cherries1 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I don't think it is your fault that she didn't want to tell you about her depression. What was exactly her reason for breaking up with you? Is she giving you another chance?
Author sparklesthezipper Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 I don't think it is your fault that she didn't want to tell you about her depression. What was exactly her reason for breaking up with you? Is she giving you another chance? She told me partway through. I don't think I dealt with it as well as I should have. And she doesn't seem to be giving me another chance, due to my pushiness and not trusting me no doubt. When I tried to talk about it all she said she doesn't want it but I honestly don't know if that was just because I was being a bit psychotic after the break up and pushing it. The most recent thing I have heard from her is the thing about "I'm sorry but I don't trust you and I don't feel that I can talk to you anymore. I'm sorry to feel like this because we did have a good friendship but I guess things change". I don't even know. After all the contradictions I just really am not sure what to believe.
cherries1 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 She told me partway through. I don't think I dealt with it as well as I should have. And she doesn't seem to be giving me another chance, due to my pushiness and not trusting me no doubt. When I tried to talk about it all she said she doesn't want it but I honestly don't know if that was just because I was being a bit psychotic after the break up and pushing it. The most recent thing I have heard from her is the thing about "I'm sorry but I don't trust you and I don't feel that I can talk to you anymore. I'm sorry to feel like this because we did have a good friendship but I guess things change". I don't even know. After all the contradictions I just really am not sure what to believe. All I can tell you is that if she no longer wishes to be with you, as hard as it is, accept it and try to move on. You can try making new friends, getting involved in new activities or whatever you need to take her off your mind. It's hard to "take back" an attitude like being pushy, when you drove her away, it probably did for good. At least try to work on it and become more patient, so that next time you're faced with a similar situation you don't "push" the other person or try to rush things.
budley12 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 im sorry for your loss. I too just lost my first love and it sucks! But chin up, you are just getting out of high school. Who knows where your life may lead now. With my ex we started having life-long plans together and I was completely shattered when he left me. Now looking back on it I am seeing some of the things which I would be giving up in order to live out these plans. Just try and stay positive, and I guarantee that when/if you are going to college you will meet so many new and exciting people there. Your ex will always be in your heart, but you are about to take the next step in life and your ex was maybe not supposed to be apart of it.
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