cherries1 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Does GIGS have a solution? Fear of commitment? In my case I have been the dumper (after 2 years) and I felt very trapped inside the relationship (I'm only 20 and the thing just got more... "committed" everytime, as in meeting the whole family, and stuff). I was also going through a lot of pressure and depression because of other issues (family, friends...) I was suddenly filled with commitment fear and thoughts about how I was "missing out what is outside the relationship" but I don't really want to date anyone else or party or get drunk, NOT AT ALL, I just miss him. I know you can fantasize and such about other people because it's natural but my mind doesn't seem to see it as normal and I obsess over it completely when it happens. I don't know if time will fix this, I'm scared because I found him so perfect for me that... I feel he's the man I want to marry someday... but I get anxious when I'm with him. I called him and tried taking things slow but I immediately panicked the day after, I feel like I am not ready at the moment. I feel like a coward but the anxiety is VERY numbing for me and I have to study a lot these days, I can't live in a state of numbness. Will time do anything for us? I can't stop daydreaming about us getting together again, should I stop and fight the thoughts? I read this thread about GIGS and I became SO scared when I read "at least 1.5 - 2 years from your break up is a good timeframe to expect."... I am so devastated!
Philosoraptor Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Ok, so you felt trapped. Did you express that to him and ask for a bit more alone time? Relationships end because one or both people are unhappy with the relationship, their partner, or themselves. So from what you say you were unhappy for not living more? That's normal because at that age you truly haven't experienced enough to even know what you want out of life. People change and the fact is that most people who breakup never get back together. As we grow we realize that what we had was good for then, but not for who we have grown into. Many people who end relationships seem to run back for that familiarity after the "freedom" is gone. If you read around here, many people on the other side of the fence express this. The partner comes back for a short time, but again realizes the same unhappiness from before they left and bolts again. Right now you just need to be alone and figure yourself out and what your motivations are. I'm reading much more fear and rationalization than I am wanting to be with this person. It seems like you have him on a pedestal right now and are playing fully by your intense emotions right now and not looking at what you really want in life. Take some time and figure out why he was so perfect. What specific things happened that made him perfect? Then take off the rose colored glasses and look at that list and give it a true evaluation based on what is best for you.
Author cherries1 Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 Ok, so you felt trapped. Did you express that to him and ask for a bit more alone time? Yes, I expressed the feeling of being trapped by the relationship to him. I asked for time, to solve my issues, but I didn't promise anything in order not to trigger more obsessions/feelings of commitment. Relationships end because one or both people are unhappy with the relationship, their partner, or themselves. So from what you say you were unhappy for not living more? That's normal because at that age you truly haven't experienced enough to even know what you want out of life. People change and the fact is that most people who breakup never get back together. As we grow we realize that what we had was good for then, but not for who we have grown into. I was quite unhappy because I have been lonely for quite a time, I had no friends to meet with other than him and our relationship became really monotonous. I've been also under the stress of college. Our relationship was good, but we could've worked in the issues like monotony, thing is by the time we have realized that there was something to improve, my anxiety and panic have made it quite difficult. Many people who end relationships seem to run back for that familiarity after the "freedom" is gone. If you read around here, many people on the other side of the fence express this. The partner comes back for a short time, but again realizes the same unhappiness from before they left and bolts again. Right now you just need to be alone and figure yourself out and what your motivations are. I'm reading much more fear and rationalization than I am wanting to be with this person. It seems like you have him on a pedestal right now and are playing fully by your intense emotions right now and not looking at what you really want in life. Take some time and figure out why he was so perfect. What specific things happened that made him perfect? Then take off the rose colored glasses and look at that list and give it a true evaluation based on what is best for you. Okay, I guess saying he was "perfect" is way too much. He, of course, has his little flaws, and I have accepted them because as a whole, he's really good for me. He is caring, generous, witty, understanding and patient. He has many traits that I value a lot in someone I wish to have as a partner. I am scared of that which you say, The partner comes back for a short time, but again realizes the same unhappiness from before they left and bolts again. If I go back to him, I want it to be for good. But thing is, will I know if I will be ready for it? Will I know if I will get again scared of commitment? I don't want to hurt him or myself anymore.
robkris8079 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I am scared of that which you say, The partner comes back for a short time, but again realizes the same unhappiness from before they left and bolts again. If I go back to him, I want it to be for good. But thing is, will I know if I will be ready for it? Will I know if I will get again scared of commitment? I don't want to hurt him or myself anymore. Unless something drastically changes in my experience the process will repeat. You will start to feel unhappy again. I don't know why but you probably will. Same exact thing happened to me but I'm on the other end. I kind of wish I never took her back that time.
Author cherries1 Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 Unless something drastically changes in my experience the process will repeat. You will start to feel unhappy again. I don't know why but you probably will. Same exact thing happened to me but I'm on the other end. I kind of wish I never took her back that time. I am going to experiment a drastic change. I am going to work on my issues with my therapist, I'm going to work in my health/fitness/friendships in order to become a more stable person. How long were you appart with your ex?
Philosoraptor Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 What caused the relationship to become monotonous? If you feel that your anxiety and panic are large issues here, then they are what you need to focus on not for this, but for yourself. Have you spoken to anyone about them to try and figure out your triggers and more importantly, how to walk yourself down once the anxiety kicks in? If you're having anxiety now that it could end when you come back, it's going to plague you once you actually do go back. You need to be confident with this and it doesn't seem like you are at the point where you can believe in yourself enough to make a solid commitment. For now I'd suggest working out your own kinks for you. If things come back around with this guy and you both still want to give it a go, then great. If not, you will at least be more ready for a longer commitment in the future.
robkris8079 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I am going to experiment a drastic change. I am going to work on my issues with my therapist, I'm going to work in my health/fitness/friendships in order to become a more stable person. How long were you appart with your ex? it was only a week. Then she came running back promising the world and a future and forever with me. I was still in love so I took her back. She kept up on her promises for about 8 months. Moved in with me, still talking about future like writing in a card for vday "we spent 5 great vday's together, I can't wait for more, Love you blah blah blah". Then the next week she was cold and distant. All I have to say is make these improvements for you. Not for the relationship.
Author cherries1 Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 What caused the relationship to become monotonous? If you feel that your anxiety and panic are large issues here, then they are what you need to focus on not for this, but for yourself. Have you spoken to anyone about them to try and figure out your triggers and more importantly, how to walk yourself down once the anxiety kicks in? If you're having anxiety now that it could end when you come back, it's going to plague you once you actually do go back. You need to be confident with this and it doesn't seem like you are at the point where you can believe in yourself enough to make a solid commitment. For now I'd suggest working out your own kinks for you. If things come back around with this guy and you both still want to give it a go, then great. If not, you will at least be more ready for a longer commitment in the future. The relationship became monotonous because of a few reasons. Main one is a chronic condition which has limited my life a lot in the last year: I get physically tired often, which made sex painful and tiring for me. Also, because of said condition, my libido was quite low, lately. That condition also impairs me from eating at a restaurant because of many food intolerances which have heavily contributed to my state of depression for the last year. On his side, he was sometimes lazy and he has promised that if we ever give it another go, he will try and become more active. Another issue is the fact that neither of us had friends at all. We never went out with friends or other couples, just the two of us. We mainly visited shopping centers and the cinema.
Author cherries1 Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 it was only a week. Then she came running back promising the world and a future and forever with me. I was still in love so I took her back. She kept up on her promises for about 8 months. Moved in with me, still talking about future like writing in a card for vday "we spent 5 great vday's together, I can't wait for more, Love you blah blah blah". Then the next week she was cold and distant. All I have to say is make these improvements for you. Not for the relationship. I see, a week is little time for these things, I guess. I am aware that I should make these improvements for myself, after all the point of everything in life is oneself's happiness. But I guess that sharing it is even better, and right now he's the only person I imagine me sharing my life with, it's just... scary!
Philosoraptor Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 The relationship became monotonous because of a few reasons. Main one is a chronic condition which has limited my life a lot in the last year: I get physically tired often, which made sex painful and tiring for me. Also, because of said condition, my libido was quite low, lately. That condition also impairs me from eating at a restaurant because of many food intolerances which have heavily contributed to my state of depression for the last year. On his side, he was sometimes lazy and he has promised that if we ever give it another go, he will try and become more active. Another issue is the fact that neither of us had friends at all. We never went out with friends or other couples, just the two of us. We mainly visited shopping centers and the cinema. Seems that time apart was needed more than anything. Two people can't merge into one and neglect their own lives. When you do that you lose yourself and it can cause much unhappiness on both sides.
Author cherries1 Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 Seems that time apart was needed more than anything. Two people can't merge into one and neglect their own lives. When you do that you lose yourself and it can cause much unhappiness on both sides. I am calmer now, thanks so much for your help I guess it's an issue of time and I'll work hard in, first of all, recovering myself from my depressed state, and then I will see if things can work a little better than this time.
Philosoraptor Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I am calmer now, thanks so much for your help I guess it's an issue of time and I'll work hard in, first of all, recovering myself from my depressed state, and then I will see if things can work a little better than this time. Seems like you're in a better state of mind. First goal is getting yourself to a point where you can put in your end in whichever relationship you end up in. Once you've healed internally you will be able to truly reassess whether or not you want your previous relationship back.
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