ConfusedOne4 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I posted this on one of my old threads...but I don't think anyone will see it, so I'm making a new one... Long story short...I fell for my really good friend...he rejected me (obviously)...he suck around and didn't start avoiding me like most guys would...at this point some of our friends think its funny to just make fun of us b/c it's just funny or they think we'd be cute together...idk... OK...so I've done my best to give him space and not bug him as much. And he has for the most part been open and honest about stuff he has been feeling....BUT....here is what happened... He invites me for his birthday outing, and I bring along one my close friends (she knows the whole situation, in detail). He proceeds to eventually start hitting on her (after a couple of drinks) and flirting with her (she of course is repulsed, not only cause he isn't as good looking as he thinks he is and b/c she would never go for a friend's "leftovers"). I do my best, at the first bar, to keep my distance from him b/c I know he feels that I can be clingy at times, main reason why I made sure to keep a distance between us. (I kept myself attached to my friend..and when she was dancing with some of his friends...I attached myself to another friend of ours that was still there). From there, we leave and go to a Gay Bar (some of his friends went there, so we went to meet up with them). My friend ends up going off to look for the people with another one of his friends and I get stuck near him, and his friend & his friend's gf. And he was drunk, so I'm trying to make sure he doesn't get more to drink and his friend is letting him get more (and this is the clingyness that I will mention in a minute). So, we're there and we finally leave and we eventually all make it home. So, Sunday night we're talking and he is telling me how I was super clingy (referring me trying to get him to not drink more...I don't think he realized that was my intent) and he was upset saying how his friends were reading into it and it frustrated him. And I also put up a joke on facebook that I was "in a relationship" with someone, so people from school he met up with before his b-day outing assumed it was him and he got frustrated over that saying those people were reading into how I treat him (take into consideration I rarely see or talk to those people). I feel like he is the one reading too much into my actions now...since the only person I know of who would make jokes about my April Fool's status knew I had feelings for him. This whole thing made me super upset that night and I ended up staying up crying for a while b/c I don't know what else to do to make him happy about this whole thing. I regret ever mentioning I had feelings for him b/c it's just messing everything up. The only other option is ending the friendship, and he said that isn't something he wants to do and that isn't something I want to do either. Any ideas on what I can do or is he just overreacting to it all? This is what I've done so far... 1) Stopped writing anything on his facebook or liking anything...I even untagged myself on anything he tagged me on...I'm also trying to cut down on facebook messages, even though that's my form of communication with classmates...since no one uses AIM or picks up the phone anymore... 2) I rarely sit with him in school (outside of class)...and if I need to ask him something I go over to him and then go back to sit down where I'm sitting or I txt him.... 3) I'm working on txting him less...but that is the main way we communicate to begin with....
january2011 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 For your own mental and emotional well being, I think you need to stay away from this guy and stop trying to interact with him. At least until you're more healed. You can't handle being around him and you can't handle him moving on and flirting with other girls in front of you. And stay away from making jokey Facebook status updates. That's not a conducive way to vent your frustrations when you're in pain.
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 (edited) Well...funny thing I knew he was gonna do that. He even admitted that he did it on purpose to get me to get it (meaning to get he isn't into me). He also said some other mean crap to be a jerk and admitted his intentions. That is why I think he is the one reading into everything way too much. My friend ended up apologizing to me all night and all morning b/c of what he did and she was doing her best to stay away from him but he was being clingy to her. I told her I knew he was gonna try and pull something like that, so I'm not mad at her for anything. He was just trying to make me get it by doing something as cruel as possible, which would be to hit on one of my bffls right in front of me. Funny thing most of it didn't phase me cause I was like he is a drunken moron.... My thing is I feel like he is hung up on it more than I am b/c he feels like he needs to rub it in and keep rubbing it in, when I got the final answer I needed (which was discussed in a previous post). I actually feel like the major feelings are gone, just some residual stuff is left. I think I am b/c (referring to the clingy moment) I always feel something when I hug a crush or w/e. When we hugged and when we kinda held fingers or hands or w/e for like 2 seconds (I was trying to stop him from getting more to drink) I didn't feel anything, which isn't normal for me when I really like someone. So, Idk what to do with him. Just ignore his stupidity or end it all with him cause it isn't fair to me either. Edited April 5, 2012 by ConfusedOne4
Greekman Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 This happened to me as well. A friend pursued me then decided no to anything beyond friendship. Fair enough I guess. Then became mean, cruel, and a jerk to me, intentionally. I got my answer but somehow she needed to be mean to leave no doubt she had no interest. It's dumb. Were adults not children. I had things rubbed into my face needlessly as well. There really was no point. I've finally just distanced myself from things. Not because I want more but because I don't want a lot less. It's tough and a bit unfair. But you have to do whatever it takes to be happy. People and their enormous egos, makes the mind boggle. No more! Don't give anyone ego energy like that. It's not worth the price you have to pay from your own self-worth.
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 You know Greekman...he as a HUGE EGO. He is super arrogant and he isn't even good looking. Like okay, I had a small thing for someone else before him and this guy was HOT. Going from the HOTTIE to him was like a huge downgrade on the look status and like a huge lowering of standards. So, I don't see why he needs to rub it in when honestly it isn't any loss to me. When he was drunk, I saw a side of him I didn't like. It was pretty disgusting. I think that was a huge help in showing me what type of guy he was and shows me that he isn't someone I would want to be with. But, the thing that makes it hard is that I don't want to lose the friendship. We've been good friends for almost a year now (8 months). My parents really like him, so they let me hang out with him (which is rare, they don't like any of my friends at all). We still talk randomly and I said on the first post on this thread how I've limited our interactions. So, should I just give him time and just really watch what I do around him. I've been really careful with what I've been saying lately. But, I feel like no matter what I do, he is gonna think people are reading into everything. He keeps saying this whole thing is unfair to him. But, honestly it's getting to the point where it's being unfair to me and he is just taking his frustration about everything (with work, school, and us) out on me and saying that no matter what I do people will read into it all.
MCGar Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Now that you admit to having different feelings for him and recognizing that it was just a 'crush,' the thing I would do is actually nicely approach him and let him know that you're feelings have actually changed. Let him know that you did have a big crush on him but it was a phase and you are sorry that it put him in a bad position but he doesn't have to worry about it anymore. This will do two things. 1st make it more real for you to let go of anymore residual feelings you might have and 2nd it will take away any 'power' he has now over you and your actions. Right now you are twisting yourself into a pretzel to make sure you don't come across as clingy and he is using it (consciously or unconsciously) to his advantage. Once you do this, focus on your other friends and really try to make new ones outside of your regular sphere. They will help pull you out of this bad atmosphere that surrounds you and him. Then when he pulls anymore shenanigans, just chuckle and and move on. Maybe you'll find someone else where you won't settle for 'crush' but will want you to be more than that!
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 Yeh...I've been trying to do that. I've told him what I've been trying to do to make space and get over it. I've even told him that I joined a dating site to try and move on and what not. Oddly, I noticed that it's when I told him I was ready to let go of everything is when he began being mean and being cruel about everything. It's pretty obvious I've been giving him physical space b/c I don't wait for him after class anymore and we don't talk that much in person. I send him a txt or a facebook message if I need to ask him anything and leave it to him to respond. If it's something important I would ask over fb chat, otherwise I just leave things alone. Also, I've been spending more time with other people, trying to sit away from him or sit alone. Like right now, I'm sitting near another classmate and he is off with his other friends studying or chillaxing or w/e. As for approaching him about it, I don't know how to do that anymore. He hates having those conversations and has been annoyed when I bring it up. I don't know how to make it obvious that I'm over it unless I find someone else and make it obvious I'm dating or really into someone else. But, then I feel like if I do do that, he will just think I'm doing it to make him jealous. (He has a huge ego, as I mentioned above). Also, I've said I'm sorry so many times over this crap...It's becoming meaningless. While he hasn't apologized for anything bad he has done, mostly on purpose.
SpiralOut Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 I think there's a part of him that enjoys the idea of you liking him. It's an ego boost. He is overreacting to things and making a bunch of drama in order to feed his ego.
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 (edited) Yeah...I've been feeling like that. Cause he was fine when he knew I just liked him and we were okay. He got annoyed with some of the jokes and I stopped that and everything was okay. I kept my distance in general for him to have space. THEN, when I'm like okay I got my affirmative no that we will never be more, he decides to go into dbag mode... He desperately needs to decide if he wants me as a friend or nothing at all b/c the pain he is putting me through is unfair and uncalled for. He isn't even attractive for a brown guy. I feel for his personality and how he treated me and everything. We got really close really quickly our first semester and he agrees that we're close, but what is happening now is so painful. It makes me regret ever saying anything. The only reason I told him was b/c I didn't want the "what ifs?" floating around...now I'm thinking that would have hurt less then being treated like this... Edited April 11, 2012 by ConfusedOne4
MCGar Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Yeh...I've been trying to do that. I've told him what I've been trying to do to make space and get over it. I've even told him that I joined a dating site to try and move on and what not. Honestly, I wouldn't have shared as much about specifically what you are doing to get over it. That just makes it awkward and does put too much unspoken pressure on him. I can only imagine how irritated I would be if someone told me 'how' they were trying to distance themselves to get over me, especially if I didn't want the pressure to begin with. What I would do now is completely focus on your other friends, even find a benign no pressure crush (someone you can flirt with and not have to worry about anything going farther), and then if this guy says anything else about his irritation with your clinginess, you chuckle and say, "Dude, it's alright. I've been over it for a while. Relax. I'll catch you when you are in a better mood." Smile and walk off.
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted April 12, 2012 Author Posted April 12, 2012 Yeah I guess I can see what you mean about the "unspoken pressure." I've been keeping my distance and there is no one to really flirt with, without expecting something more, since the other guys I spend my time with are all taken (serious relationship or married), so there isn't anyone I could do that with and not have it come off the wrong way. But on your other point, I've been laughing off stuff as much as I can. Like today, our friend who thinks it's funny to make fun of us decided to tell him "your girlfriend is a lesbian." So, I joke and said I never said lesbian, I said I could be Bi-Sexual. And he just goes and says something like "to his is their own" (or w/e the saying is). And then we all moved onto talking about other stuff.
MCGar Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 It's tough and I see you making good efforts. I would hate to be in that position. But I strongly urge you to open up your social sphere and make MORE friends outside of your group of friends. It looks like you are in college, when you leave college there are alot of friends that drift away, get different jobs, move, change personalities. It is really best now to find more friends that share varying interests with you in addition to the people you hang with. These 'other' new friends will not only help make the transition easier but they also won't hold you down as much as the current friends that seem to think it's fine to make fun of you in this awkward situation (it doesn't matter if they are doing it all in good fun, it just matters that this is how they deal with it and you will feel happier with having additional people in your life that aren't involved).
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 Well you're close. We're actually in law school. So the only people you really spend time with are the people in your section, especially small section (which are the people in my study group). The main guy who makes fun of us and my friend are both in my small section. The good thing is that the semester is almost over and we will be in different classes for the fall (except 1 or 2), so that will be definitely the push I need to make friends with people outside of them. I do have a few friends outside of my section, but because of our different set schedules we don't get to see each other as much, but that will change as the 3 sections start mixing with upperclassmen and each other. Also, thanks for bringing that issue to light. I never considered how weird it would be telling him what I did. We've been pretty open with each other about a lot of things. He also told me if he is doing anything that is coming off as flirting to tell him because he doesn't want to lead me on (this is from a previous thread). So for right now, I'm just giving him the space and hopefully in time we will either drift back together. And if we drift apart, I just have to accept we were never meant to be life-long friends.
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