Fear...

[Nikki Sahagin]

When you've been burned badly in the past and are cynical and tend to over-think and over-analyse, how do you push past these fears to just put yourself out there and not worry too much about getting hurt?

 

I think we people erect all kinds of emotional and mental barriers to protect ourselves from emotional pain and humiliation but it prevents us from truly giving, (and yes...risking hurt and pain).

 

How do I get past this?

It's like some internal proud, terrified part of me does not want to risk any kind of hurt or rejection and another part of me wants to take risks, have adventure and love freely.

[TaraMaiden]

Find a local group and practice meditation.

 

Study and research the benefits, because i tell you, i am so NOT speaking from either a religious or spiritual standpoint, here.

[Nikki Sahagin]

How did you get into meditation Tara?

[Professor X]

When you've been burned badly in the past and are cynical and tend to over-think and over-analyse, how do you push past these fears to just put yourself out there and not worry too much about getting hurt?

 

I think we people erect all kinds of emotional and mental barriers to protect ourselves from emotional pain and humiliation but it prevents us from truly giving, (and yes...risking hurt and pain).

 

How do I get past this?

It's like some internal proud, terrified part of me does not want to risk any kind of hurt or rejection and another part of me wants to take risks, have adventure and love freely.

When you found out how, let me know.

I've got burned a lot in my past, and I am struggling everyday to keep my emotions in check - which also makes it harder for me to open up to anyone.

 

I am very much like you really - Cynical, over thinking, not over analyzing though. I say do as I do now, just distract yourself, let time do its thing, slowly the barriers will fall, and hopefully the new person you'll meet at the time, will not be one to burn you.

 

Also, learn to trust your gut instinct, it usually is right.

[fucpcg]

If you can catch yourself doing it, you can stop it. The trick is catching it. With my ex I had done things like this, and just didn't even see it. There were times things would happen with her that would remind me of bad relationships I had, and that would cause huge overreaction in me. The other thing that I was doing, was that if we had some kind of what should be easily overcomable disagreement, my response was typically "lets break up", because of my fear (based some recent bad experiences) that hell we were going to breakup anyway, so get out now before you get hurt again. After screwing up long enough, my ex broke up with me and wrote me a letter telling me everything she felt I screwed up. When I read the letter my thoughts were "you are right". I honestly never saw it till she spelled it out for me.

 

I do believe we all have scars from previous relationships, childhood experiences, life experiences... This for me however was the first time a relationship had ended because of being haunted by past events, vs. say ended because the girl and I weren't really into each other. Ironically, the letter I got from her was one year ago yesterday. I've spent soo much time reflecting on this one, and have attempted all I could to salvage the relationship, but she just isn't having it. When the damage is done, you can never again move forward if you are not with a person who can forgive and move forward. It's important to be with someone who can forgive and move forward, and important for you to do the same.

 

It would actually be best if the two of you never allowed the damage to happen, then you avoid trouble all together. I don't think that is entirely possible, but I tried to figure out how to best attempt that when trying to patch things up with the ex. What I said to her was, that if we were to get back together, I vowed that every night before we go to bed, I would ask her if there was anything bothering her about me or our relationship, so that we could talk anything/everything out before there was an explosion. I didn't get to talk advantage of that with her, but I know that I will do this with whoever is the next girl I date seriously. The communication will allow you to catch the issues you are dealing with from fears, and doing it before those fears causes and explosion will prevent damage.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think it's very important to take the time to understand yourself and your weaknesses, what caused you to get burned?

 

Most women that I've seen who been through a lot never pulled the plug on something that they knew was destructive and really over-looked the flags...can you imagine the difference it would make to understand yourself and for the future step out of those situations instead of just indulging yourself in your emotions and relying on "hope" to win the day?

 

It's a balance of being able to think realistically while yet retaining the romance factor...I have a lot to actually say about this but I'm not ready to go into it in great detail.

 

For men the dynamic is different as women often tend to be less misleading and stringing-along than men, so I think for men it's more of a hit to the confidence and self-esteem, the fear of not being able to trust in who they are and what they bring to the table.

 

Self-work really is the most progressive method of improving your quality of life and dating experience, because it has an all around positive affect. Facing the things that hurt you in the past, facing those fears and getting them out in the open..talking about them, sharing them with someone of the same sex or family that is willing to listen.

 

I see a lot of people put on the whole wounded cub routine, hide out in a cave...do nothing to work out their issues emotionally, then after a set period of time they throw themselves back into the fire hoping that the next person they meet just happens to be the person that treats them right...as If it's all a game of chance and you have no power to choose who you invest in or what kind of people you interact with.

 

Ultimately some people seem out desperate in nature, they have a hard time gaining strength and fortitude, which gives you the ability to really withstand emotional pains instead of succumbing to their own weakness, they are their greatest vulnerability because they meet a guy who they know little about...juggle back and forth with their emotional state trying not to feel anything, losing the battle then finding themselves in the same situation once again.

 

Your brain is what's going to save you, not your heart, yet also your gut feeling is a pretty useful tool...If you can combine your head, with your gut feeling before exposing your heart, you'll avoid wasting time. But you've got to reach a point where you can save yourself from doing something stupid and engaging with the wrong people when you see those red flags, instead of just succumbing to the emotion all of the time.

 

Sometimes I wonder why people are so easily willing to invest their time...possibly years into people that they really don't stand a chance with or that person is not interested ultimately. I wonder why people so often try and force love so often, just because they get a feeling. I'm surprised how often people are willing to live without romance and any reciprocating gestures that make their relationship feel equally loving.

 

"how do you push past these fears to just put yourself out there and not worry too much about getting hurt?"

 

It's not about pushing yourself past these fears, that's what probably got you into trouble in the first place..."pushing" yourself to be with someone and in a situation you knew wasn't good for you anyway.

 

Getting hurt is going to happen more often If you love and invest in the wrong people, invest in someone you can trust, which takes time.

 

For "love" being so rare as people make it out to be like it's something you can only magically have with that one person even though that person is long gone now...I'm surprised how willing people are eager to jump back on the horse without even knowing 50 percent of a man.

 

Bottom line is, IF you don't want to get hurt, it helps not to make stupid decisions and use some sensibility in the person you are trying to be with....expect more of others, and more of yourself.

 

Your emotional and mental barriers are there for a reason, they're telling there's a problem.

[TaraMaiden]

How did you get into meditation Tara?

 

By sitting quietly at home, with some quiet, barely audible soothing music in the background, and just focussing on my breath.

I started with 5 minutes, and just sat, quiet, breathing, watching the thoughts come into my mind, but not building on them.

And it gets a lot harder, before it gets easier, because you become aware of just how flighty your mind is....

[insertnamehere]

Alcohol, mostly.

[Ninjainpajamas]

By sitting quietly at home, with some quiet, barely audible soothing music in the background, and just focussing on my breath.

I started with 5 minutes, and just sat, quiet, breathing, watching the thoughts come into my mind, but not building on them.

And it gets a lot harder, before it gets easier, because you become aware of just how flighty your mind is....

 

This may also induce you to pass gas O.o

[Nikki Sahagin]

Alcohol, mostly.

 

*giggle*

[Ruby Slippers]

It has taken me quite some time to get over my last breakup, which was really the last in a series of long-term relationships that didn't work out. After that one, I decided to take some time and try to figure out what I was doing wrong. Almost 4 years later, I don't have it all figured out, but I've made some progress.

 

For me to get over the fear and doubt took a lot of committed effort. I read a ton of books on all kinds of subjects (philosophy, relationships, psychology), spent time with positive, proactive friends and avoided downers for the most part, cleaned up my diet and exercise, and all kinds of other stuff.

 

I get these bits of wisdom now and then that push me along. I heard a great one recently, that said something like: Don't be afraid of the hard parts of life, the sadness and pain. Joy, pain, and the full spectrum of experience IS life. So, if you're afraid of pain, rejection, failure, then you're afraid of life.

 

That really got through to me, and I've been thinking about it ever since. It's similar to the idea that when you're on your deathbed, you're not going to be regretting all the things you did - you'll regret what you didn't have the gumption to do.

 

I'm getting outside my comfort zone in a big way, being outgoing, making more effort with things I used to be kinda lazy about, trying brand new things. Sometimes it's a little clumsy, hard, and sad. But truly, it is always worth it. I'm never sorry I tried something new and put myself out there.

 

The more chances I take without combusting into nothingness, the more my fears diminish.

[SadGrl]

This may also induce you to pass gas O.o

 

She is a very old and dry female, so I would be also concerned about her passing out......or taking a nap....

[TaraMaiden]

This may also induce you to pass gas O.o

 

actually - you're not wrong.... by relaxing the body, it does its own thing...

Women pass gas, men certainly do... as yet, I have yet to meet anyone who never has... and while i taught Qi Gong, it was a regular laughing matter during classes...

but it's no problem... it happens, right?

[january2011]

My latest philosophy:

 

Just do it.

 

Seems too simplistic but it's currently working for me and I overthink and over-analyse a lot.

 

But when you focus on the doing, you just get on with it. No time to overthink and over-analyse.