Mme. Chaucer Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I don't really know how to react to this. I want to feel bad for you, but the fact that you thought 3 months was too short to meet up is just weird. Especially if having sex upon the first meeting is fine. Doesn't quite match.
veggirl Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Your text was creating needless drama very early on. Huge turn-off! Avoid junk like that early on.
mtber75 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Why would you feel used if the first time you saw each other was in 6 month? That's what long distance relationship is. You don't meet each other for a long periods of time. That's why I would of meet up with this guy WAY earlier. Often times people act WAY differently in real life as oppose to online. I agree with Kaylan, this guy is a player (manipulator, but a bad lover). It doesn't take that much of an effort for players to fool women with words of sweet nothings! I think you were used. But not in a way that makes you a slut or easy! Live and Learn!
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 OP, it's important not to project what people are saying here onto your experience. You might have been 'used', you might not have been. But if you assume that you have been, you will project that onto him when/if you speak, and he will get that vibe and things will be dead in the matter. If he really likes you he will get in touch. If he doesn't and it's eating you up, ask him directly where you stand. You'll have nothing to lose and you can put it behind you. Also, please do try to reframe this. I know you feel negatively about the situation but try not to see it as being used. This will only make you feel awful. 1
sid3 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I'm wondering if you'll have sex again if you have a second date with this guy. Maybe that is a reason why you are self sabotaging this.
Imajerk17 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 OP, it's important not to project what people are saying here onto your experience. You might have been 'used', you might not have been. But if you assume that you have been, you will project that onto him when/if you speak, and he will get that vibe and things will be dead in the matter. If he really likes you he will get in touch. If he doesn't and it's eating you up, ask him directly where you stand. You'll have nothing to lose and you can put it behind you. Also, please do try to reframe this. I know you feel negatively about the situation but try not to see it as being used. This will only make you feel awful. Why would he get in touch with her? She already told him that "this is where we go our separate ways".
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Why would he get in touch with her? She already told him that "this is where we go our separate ways". I thought the OP said he replied to the text so to me that would indicate there could potentially be some more communication. There is also nothing preventing him from saying 'actually I don't want to go our seperate ways', however OP also has to consider that if he was a virgin, he might feel very insecure after receiving that text, unless he could read her 'girl signals' and decipher what she really meant.
Imajerk17 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I thought the OP said he replied to the text so to me that would indicate there could potentially be some more communication. There is also nothing preventing him from saying 'actually I don't want to go our seperate ways', however OP also has to consider that if he was a virgin, he might feel very insecure after receiving that text, unless he could read her 'girl signals' and decipher what she really meant. And her non-response to THAT text sent a further message that she wasn't interested. He probably cannot. Most men cannot, especially if they are inexperienced. And the sooner you women realize that men don't communicate indirectly, the better off you will be. 1
Author mellum Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 He is pretty good at reading women, as he has read books written by pick artists and "the game" he is a very intelligent guy. I really doubt he is feeling anything like that or took a knock to his ego or confidence
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 And her non-response to THAT text sent a further message that she wasn't interested. He probably cannot. Most men cannot, especially if they are inexperienced. And the sooner you women realize that men don't communicate indirectly, the better off you will be. Ah I missed the part where she didn't reply to him. OP - send the dude a text PS it's not our fault. We have it drilled into us that being direct is scary, needy, clingy, so we develop our own girl code. We so sorry.
Imajerk17 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 He is pretty good at reading women, as he has read books written by pick artists and "the game" he is a very intelligent guy. I really doubt he is feeling anything like that or took a knock to his ego or confidence I disagree, but if that is what you want to tell yourself... If he were so smooth, he wouldn't have waited 6 months to meet up with you. 2
Professor X Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 (edited) He is pretty good at reading women, as he has read books written by pick artists and "the game" he is a very intelligent guy. I really doubt he is feeling anything like that or took a knock to his ego or confidence You serious? You think reading a bunch of books will teach you ANYTHING about life??? Was he even in a REAL RS before? I can tell you that I read A LOT of books about PUA and such, none of it holds in RL, none. At best they give you ideas, but that's where it ends. The purpose of those books is to make money by using peoples insecurities, as any other "how to..." book. "How to be rich", "How to get the ladies", "How to get the men", bla bla... Edited April 5, 2012 by Professor X 4
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Agree with Prof X. I personally love a self help book, but they aren't a bible to deciphering people. Every person is different, even if stereotypes and generalisations exist. The truth is, you can't really know what he is thinking/feeling. You can assume, or you can ask him. You can believe him, or you can distrust him.
Imajerk17 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 You serious? You think reading a bunch of books will teach you ANYTHING about life??? Was he even in a REAL RS before? I can tell you that I read A LOT of books about PUA and such, none of it holds in RL, none. At best they give you ideas, but that's where it ends. The purpose of those books is to make money by using peoples insecurities, as any other "how to..." book. "How to be rich", "How to get the ladies", "How to get the men", bla bla... Well-said. Articulated my thoughts very well there. PUA stuff--which I think would do a lot of guys good to learn actually--is good for teaching guys social skills in "pick-up" situations. But when it comes to a lot of other situations? No. In fact, if anything, the PUA ethos would actually ADVISE the guy to move on after the OP's brilliant text that "now is the time we go our separate ways" = "girl's not into him or is just too much drama" = "move on".
sid3 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 You serious? You think reading a bunch of books will teach you ANYTHING about life??? Was he even in a REAL RS before? I can tell you that I read A LOT of books about PUA and such, none of it holds in RL, none. At best they give you ideas, but that's where it ends. The purpose of those books is to make money by using peoples insecurities, as any other "how to..." book. "How to be rich", "How to get the ladies", "How to get the men", bla bla... Exactly, and PUA books are the absolute worst them all. Followed closely by dating books for women, just look at the divorced authors that wrote the Rules.
Imajerk17 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 (edited) To be fair, OP is only 21. The sooner she learns to take responsibility for her communication and not do dumb things like send off "separate ways" texts to guys she likes, the better off she will be. Edited April 5, 2012 by Imajerk17 3
Author mellum Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 I took the plunge and told him how I feel, that I liked him and such. I feel its a pretty foolish thing for me to have done, and I'm now awaiting the "let her down gently" reply haha. Thanks guys 1
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I took the plunge and told him how I feel, that I liked him and such. I feel its a pretty foolish thing for me to have done, and I'm now awaiting the "let her down gently" reply haha. Thanks guys Mellum, do something about your insecurity. Because that insecurity makes you do something which makes you even more insecure: you put yourself in the cold, you stick your neck out without giving the guy a chance to decide for himself to do or say certain things. First by having sex with him when you knew that you were not ready for it (and basically when it comes to timing that is the only thing that matters). Now you do it a second time by telling him how you feel. If you truly like this guy, you are doing everything to chase him away. What all this is about is you wanting a certain reaction from him because it would take away your insecurity (only temporarily coz insecurity only disappears by fixing the way you feel about yourself). And in order to get that reaction you give way too much too early. I don't advice you to play hard to get. But let this thing evolve naturally. Keep yourself busy with thing you enjoy and like. And let this guy also come a bit to you. This guy is probably figuring out himself how much he likes you. If you always are the first he will feel smothered in no time. None of the things you do are wrong as such but you force the whole thing. Back off a bit. And one last advice (which is also valid for other youngsters here): stop having huge discussion by text. If you wanna have misunderstandings, that's exactly what you should do. Texting is for letting someone know you missed your train or send a smiley. But if you use it to really discuss something, you are asking for misery. 2
sid3 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Mellum, do something about your insecurity. Because that insecurity makes you do something which makes you even more insecure: you put yourself in the cold, you stick your neck out without giving the guy a chance to decide for himself to do or say certain things. First by having sex with him when you knew that you were not ready for it (and basically when it comes to timing that is the only thing that matters). Now you do it a second time by telling him how you feel. If you truly like this guy, you are doing everything to chase him away. What all this is about is you wanting a certain reaction from him because it would take away your insecurity (only temporarily coz insecurity only disappears by fixing the way you feel about yourself). And in order to get that reaction you give way too much too early. I don't advice you to play hard to get. But let this thing evolve naturally. Keep yourself busy with thing you enjoy and like. And let this guy also come a bit to you. This guy is probably figuring out himself how much he likes you. If you always are the first he will feel smothered in no time. None of the things you do are wrong as such but you force the whole thing. Back off a bit. And one last advice (which is also valid for other youngsters here): stop having huge discussion by text. If you wanna have misunderstandings, that's exactly what you should do. Texting is for letting someone know you missed your train or send a smiley. But if you use it to really discuss something, you are asking for misery. Very well said Pink L.. OP hopefully you won't get the rejection reply you are expecting.
RedRobin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Yep, I remember. I wasnt advising a fling, just trying to politely say, sounds like you need to get laid Thank you for the advice. I had two offers of such today. An old flame called (under the pretense of needing to go shopping for new clothes) and the young buck that has been chasing me dropped by today (I wasn't home). Why is it that when I'm feeling most vulnerable that men just come out of the woodwork? Never when I'm feeling strong and 'happy'....This is a topic for another thread...
Woggle Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Thank you for the advice. I had two offers of such today. An old flame called (under the pretense of needing to go shopping for new clothes) and the young buck that has been chasing me dropped by today (I wasn't home). Why is it that when I'm feeling most vulnerable that men just come out of the woodwork? Never when I'm feeling strong and 'happy'....This is a topic for another thread... Because men like to be the rescuer. When you are strong and happy they figure you don't need a man anyway. 2
RedRobin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 These little missteps sort themselves out when both people are genuinely interested. I don't see anything wrong with doing an 'oops!' communication of interest... as long as it isn't overdone. I agree that a phone call is preferred... in person even better.
RedRobin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Because men like to be the rescuer. When you are strong and happy they figure you don't need a man anyway. ?? You realize how co-dependent that sounds, don't you?? What is so attractive about weakness? How does strong and happy = not needing/wanting a man??? I just don't get it. What it feels like when men approach me when I'm feeling vulnerable is like the prey being stalked by a lion. I'm the wounded gazelle and I'm going to get eaten. And NOT in a good way (ha ha). My first response is to run. Anyway, don't want to thread jack. This really does deserve it's own thread.
kaylan Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 (edited) I am 21 and he is 24. He emailed me this morning and all seemed ok, he seemed pretty cheery but I'm worried that contact will now diminish and boom, finished. Why not simply make an effort to show this shy guy you want him. Hes not terribly experienced so youll have to put in work to. He shouldnt be the only one showing effort. I wont make an effort if I feel a girl isnt making an effort. He could be this way as well. He is pretty good at reading women, as he has read books written by pick artists and "the game" he is a very intelligent guy. I really doubt he is feeling anything like that or took a knock to his ego or confidence No...just no. Those books dont help a guy understand women. Experience and empathy help a man to understand women. Edited April 6, 2012 by kaylan
FitChick Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 I don't think it's being needy to say that you had a good time and would like to see him again. Simple, straightforward and the truth. That's how you need to communicate when you are in a long distance relationship so there are no misunderstandings. I'm still confused about who lives where, though.
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