i was used for sex. i feel so worthless, foolish and humiliated.

[gotye]

So you didn't want to have sex, but a virgin was able to talk you into sex on the first date.

 

One of my ex's told me about her infidelity. She was having such a nice time with one of her guy friends and next thing she knows, she was on her knees sucking him off. It was an accident and didn't mean anything.

 

 

How the **** do you women accidentally do **** like that?

i think it has to do with how women generally want to make people happy and hate to disappoint

 

we need to learn to just say no instead of caring if some random person will hate us for saying no

[RedRobin]

I don't get the sense she is 'blaming' anyone.

 

Yes, she used the word 'used'. Alright, let's think of another word or phrase to say... "I spent 6 months getting to know someone, and I was really hopeful about it... I'm afraid/sad/mad/confused because I thought he felt the same."

 

Exactly WHEN is it ok to feel 'used' for sex, because, yea, it does happen. Even in the not-so-early stages if someone lied to you.

 

I think a better question might be... how did the OP get to know this person? Why did she feel she knew him well enough via emails, etc, to be intimate after meeting him?

[sid3]

... I'm not a fan of those who assume that the woman needs to always be the one controlling the pace of the relationship.

 

Let's just assume this guy really was a virgin. He's potentially losing the chance to have a relationship with HER too because now things are awkward.

 

Takes two to tango folks.

 

Also, I don't see anything wrong with waiting as long as you need to to meet someone you met online... especially if they are from a foreign country.

 

...and yes, 'feelings' do happen over emails, phone calls, etc.

 

OP, I think you may not be choosing not the best place to get advice (LS).

 

Most of the people here do lots of online dating where they meet someone in a couple of weeks, and if they aren't f*king by the 3rd date or second week of 'knowing' someone, they are moving on.... and if they do 'get' sex (whenever it happens) and things don't work out:lmao:i like they planned, they call her a 'slut'.

 

So, take some of the advice here with that in mind...

 

Not best place for advice, you're joking!

Why wasnt it just other day I gave you some fantastic advice, Yep you could of been juggling some different kinda balls had you played your cards right.

[RedRobin]

Not best place for advice, you're joking!

Why wasnt it just other day I gave you some fantastic advice, Yep you could of been juggling some different kinda balls had you played your cards right.

 

What advice was that? Going for the young'ins? I'm not into flings, remember.

 

...and yes, I do take the personal experiences of people on LS into account when I listen to their advice.

[gaius]

Poor women. You can wait 6 months and even then the guy turns out to be douchey after it's done. It's possible you are correct mellum but consider that this guy had no idea how to last more then 15 seconds, he might not know the proper way to talk to a woman afterward either.

 

I'm criticising her claim that she was "used for sex" because I disagree with her analysis, specifically because she appears to have had sex willingly, 4 times, and enjoyed it. She was as much a party to that as he was. I don't think that's an attack on the OP.

 

The sex isn't the issue. The issue is she told him she wanted a long term relationship, he offered up the attention signaling that's what he wanted too and then he turned down the attention afterward and didn't reassure her about anything. She reassured him about the sex, the ball is in his court. It's douchey to the extreme. Hopefully I'm correct and he just doesn't know what he's doing in the conversation field either.

[prune juice]

Why are some of you attacking the OP?

 

Men are funny creatures....they moan women are frigid or get sex elsewhere if the woman doesn't want sex, but call her a whore if she does have sex.

 

Sex can happen whenever it feels right. There is no correct timescale.

 

women aren't funny creatures? are you kidding? the more i treat them like a sex object rather than a human being the more they desire me. why? i don't get it but that's how its worked out. it's disingenious for anybody to want sex, have sex, then say it was all an accident and they didn't want it. she wanted it.

[prune juice]

"so is this where we go our separate ways"

 

I bet she said those words hoping that he would reply saying he wants to keep seeing her. In other words she was looking for reassurance because she is insecure.

 

However, maybe the guy felt she was dumping him for being a poor lover.

 

 

 

its the drama that so many women can't live without.

[KathyM]

Well, I don't understand why you wanted to wait six months before meeting him. That's a heck of a lot of time to invest in Emailing someone before finding out if the relationship is doable in person. For that matter, getting to know someone long distance seems kind of futile to me in the first place, since there is so little opportunity to meet in person. Surely there's people in your area you could cultivate a relationship with? I would suggest you not waste any more of your time agonizing about this guy, chalk it up to lesson learned, and then be more proactive in meeting men who can actually have the time and ability to meet you in person early on. Don't stall about meeting someone. It's best to do the face-to-face early on before you've invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship. And don't have sex on the first date. Take the time to get to know someone in person and develop a relationship first before taking it to that level. Sex too early will cloud your judgement about the relationship. Get to know the guy first. See if he has long term potential. And don't do something you don't want to do. A lot of men will ask for sex early on. That doesn't mean you have to give it to them. Have respect for yourself, and expect the men you date to respect you as well. Then you won't be facing the feelings you are now--feeling like you were pumped and dumped.

[Jane2011]

I had said " I had a really good time, I hope you did too" to which he responded with "Yesterday was lots of fun, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself :)" which to me sounded like a brush off and I then asked the that question.

 

That doesn't sound like a blow-off to me.

 

Also, if you were the one who said "this is where we go our separate ways"...that sounds like you're blowing him off.

 

I don't think you should feel used.

 

I also agree with whoever said not to tie up your self-worth with sex and a guy's treatment of you after sex.

 

With men...you win some, you lose some.

 

There have been guys who have treated me shabbily and guys who have treated me wonderfully, and my sexual behavior and timing wasn't notably different with any of them.

 

Remember that you had a good time, and that, in and of itself, is a great thing...

[Jane2011]

Long ago, I cultivated a relationship with a guy online for almost a full year. I never even met him in person because we had a falling out just before it was to happen. But I can relate to bonding with someone for that long.

 

I changed after that, though. I had no interest in getting to know someone online for six months or a year. Now I'll do the requisite two weeks or a month (if we're really busy and the email exchanges are slow as it is) of getting to know, but I'd have to meet the guy at the end of that time.

 

I think I was willing to do the year-long thing back then because that was my years-long dry spell as far as relationships. Once I got rolling and started having real-life boyfriends and good sex, I no longer wanted a relationship based on AOL Instant Messenger and email.

[oaks]

The sex isn't the issue.

 

I apologise for focussing on the thing in the thread title!

[RedRobin]

I think it is perfectly fine for people to be cautious about whom they decide to meet in person.

 

If she felt more comfortable waiting 6 months to meet in person, then that is no different than saying some people need to wait more or less time for sex.

 

I think the issue here is crossed signals...

 

and I agree with Gaius. It isn't about the sex (for those of you who may or may not be tossing it around more freely and don't attach much worth to it). Am not judging each person's individual timing. She may have every reason to feel 'used' if there was misrepresentation from the guy.

 

This is about her interpretation of what she thought was on the path to a relationship.

[BetheButterfly]

I met this guy on OKcupid. After 3 months of constant talking every single day, he wanted to meet. I said I didn't want just yet as I wasn't ready and I didn't want something short term and meaningless. So we spoke on another 3 more months. Msn, messaging, email, texting, phoning.

 

We finally met up 2 days ago. It was really good. Unfortunately, we did end up having sex. Not something I wanted to do so early and quickly, but we did. And it was enjoyable and in total we had sex 4 times. We spoke about deep personal things..we laughed..joked. We out for dinner.

 

He also then tells me he was a virgin. I didn't really care or mind. But now I think he just used me to lose it.

 

He travels to and fro germany so is not always in the country.

 

So he texts me first saying he got back to where he was staying (still in england) asks if I did too.

Couple of texts back and forth I end up saying "so is this where we go our separate ways"

To which he said "a little bit, but we will tell each other of them" I didn't really understand so he said that we will go our seperate way, but our ways will meet again..

He always talks so cryptic anyway but I just wanted him to either say 'I just wanted to ****" or "I really want to be with you" just something plain and simple.

 

Anyway, that was yesterday and I haven't herd from him..again that's not totally usually..but still. I can't stop crying and feeling sorry for being such a fool.

 

Many people experience this. I don't know if it will give you comfort, but you are not alone.

 

It's often difficult to say no because the beautiful feelings of being in love and the endorphins flooding our brain tends to override personal convictions. Sex is an awesome thing, and it's fun. It does really hurt a lot of people though when the person they enjoy sex with leaves them.

 

I think it's good to cry, to mourn, to get it out of your system, but it's not good to get into a depression. You need to pull yourself together and list goals in your life to accomplish, and get your mind into achieving those goals. One of those goals could include helping other people in some way, such as volunteering.

 

Then, when you meet somebody new, tell them what you would like and be strong. Some people who do not want to have sex with someone they don't know very well tend to meet in public places and make sure not to go back to his or her place. That might help prevent sex before you are ready emotionally.

 

As for this guy, I think you will hear from him again. He might want to continue a relationship with you. However, make sure you kindly let him know what you are looking for and see if he indeed wants the same or is just playing around.

 

Hugz. I'm sorry for your pain. Wish one could just blink and it will go away. Keep your chin up though! You're going to be all right.

[sid3]

What advice was that? Going for the young'ins? I'm not into flings, remember.

 

Yep, I remember.

I wasnt advising a fling, just trying to politely say, sounds like you need to get laid

[mellum]

Thankyou for all the replys, I really appreciate it, every single one of them.

 

To clear a few things up..

 

I had no intention of having sex, or to put it another way, I didn't plan to. But when you get caught in the moment, its a natural progression of sorts.

When I say I felt "used" I mean used as a means to end his virginity.

His performance has nothing to do with whatever. I mentioned it to explain to another poster who doubted his virginity.

 

I didn't mean for my text to be interpreted as blowing him off..as someone else said, I was looking for reassurance that how I feel is being reciprocated. The same reassurance I gave him.

 

I waited 6 months because one, its online dating, two, I wasn't ready, and three, he works in Germany for a few weeks at a time.

[veggirl]

So are you going to contact him again? How old is this guy?

 

6 mos just seems like an AWFULLY long time to invest in someone without actually meeting and going on a date. But whatever you feel comfortable with...

[mellum]

I am 21 and he is 24.

 

He emailed me this morning and all seemed ok, he seemed pretty cheery but I'm worried that contact will now diminish and boom, finished.

[Ruby Slippers]

Hey, you made a mistake and hopefully learned a lesson. We've all done hasty and possibly foolish things that we felt bad about later. Try not to beat yourself up about it. Ask yourself why you did what you did, learn from it, get stronger, and move on.

[veggirl]

Why are you putting all your eggs into one basket so to speak? It's just been one date. What do you want from him? Do you want him to be your BF? Do you know what he is looking for--a relationship? Stop worrying so much, you are going to send this guy running for the hills if you are second guessing and questioning him on things.

[january2011]

Sounds to me that you were the one blowing *him* off. At least as a guy, that is how I would take a girl sending me a text like that.

 

Take responsibility for your communication....

 

I agree with this take on the situation.

 

To the OP, I think that when you communicate to your dates, you need to be clear and not give hints. If you want to see a guy again, rather than hope that he's a mindreader, say that you specifically want to see him again/get serious/etc.

 

Not everyone is going to pick up that you were being insecure and wanted him to come back to you with reassurance. Because in order to reassure you, he'd have to disagree with what you said. And most people don't like to rock the boat like that with people that they don't really know that well. Hopefully, lesson learned. No need to self-sabotage next time.

[InJest]

I don't really know how to react to this. I want to feel bad for you, but the fact that you thought 3 months was too short to meet up is just weird. At least I hope you understand now that it doesn't matter how long you make a guy wait for anything, it guarantees you nothing so you may as well jump in and let the cards fall.

[Imajerk17]

mellum, part of being an adult is taking a responsibility for your role in things. I'm not seeing that by reading your post...

 

Thankyou for all the replys, I really appreciate it, every single one of them.

 

To clear a few things up..

 

I had no intention of having sex, or to put it another way, I didn't plan to. But when you get caught in the moment, its a natural progression of sorts.

When I say I felt "used" I mean used as a means to end his virginity.

His performance has nothing to do with whatever. I mentioned it to explain to another poster who doubted his virginity.

 

 

Well, no. You made the decision to have sex. You make it sound like you just suddenly found yourself naked, and that wasn't really what happened.

 

Women put the brakes on things all the time you know. You did not.

 

I didn't mean for my text to be interpreted as blowing him off..as someone else said, I was looking for reassurance that how I feel is being reciprocated. The same reassurance I gave him.

 

No again.

 

When you sent that text, didn't you think a little harder about how he would have taken it? Most every guy who responded on here said they would have taken your text as a blow-off. (Here's the thing you need to understand about men: We don't deal well with indirect communication.)

 

Things went wrong because of the way YOU handled it. Accept responsibility!

Edited April 5, 2012 by Imajerk17

[mellum]

So what I text really could of been misconstrued as a blow off? God damn..

 

I don't know, I always thought guys disliked when a girl was too needy, so instead of coming right out, I'd go in directed.

 

Basically what I 'thought' would happen was he'd reply with "is it? Why do you think that"

[Imajerk17]

So what I text really could of been misconstrued as a blow off? God damn..

 

 

Basically what I 'thought' would happen was he'd reply with "is it? Why do you think that"

 

That your text could be taken as a blow off--that's only what like every guy on here is saying!

 

So you 'thought'... He's probably feeling rejected wondering if he sucked in bed or something! Again, men don't do well with this indirect communication...

 

If you want to salvage this, pick up the phone and call him. If he doesn't pick up, send him an email apologizing for the mixed signals *on your end*, and tell him you were feeling vulnerable or something. As you were the one who screwed up, you have to be the one to reach out if you want to save this.

Edited April 5, 2012 by Imajerk17

[january2011]

I don't know, I always thought guys disliked when a girl was too needy, so instead of coming right out, I'd go in directed.

 

Basically what I 'thought' would happen was he'd reply with "is it? Why do you think that"

 

I don't think it's being needy to say that you had a good time and would like to see him again. It's more needy to ask for reassurance, for example, in the roundabout way that you did in your original text. But let's not belabour the point.

 

You've probably got a better handle on the situation now. For once, I agree with Imajerk - if you want to pick up the dropped ball, reach out to the guy.