mellum Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I met this guy on OKcupid. After 3 months of constant talking every single day, he wanted to meet. I said I didn't want just yet as I wasn't ready and I didn't want something short term and meaningless. So we spoke on another 3 more months. Msn, messaging, email, texting, phoning. We finally met up 2 days ago. It was really good. Unfortunately, we did end up having sex. Not something I wanted to do so early and quickly, but we did. And it was enjoyable and in total we had sex 4 times. We spoke about deep personal things..we laughed..joked. We out for dinner. He also then tells me he was a virgin. I didn't really care or mind. But now I think he just used me to lose it. He travels to and fro germany so is not always in the country. So he texts me first saying he got back to where he was staying (still in england) asks if I did too. Couple of texts back and forth I end up saying "so is this where we go our separate ways" To which he said "a little bit, but we will tell each other of them" I didn't really understand so he said that we will go our seperate way, but our ways will meet again.. He always talks so cryptic anyway but I just wanted him to either say 'I just wanted to ****" or "I really want to be with you" just something plain and simple. Anyway, that was yesterday and I haven't herd from him..again that's not totally usually..but still. I can't stop crying and feeling sorry for being such a fool.
kaylan Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I dont buy that he was a virgin...not it he was able to cruise his way through this situation. He sounds like an international playboy to me...I wouldnt sweat it OP. Live and learn...know exactly what you want from someone and communicate that to them before having sex from now on. 3
Author mellum Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 Haha not defending him, but I'm pretty certain he was a virgin. His kissing was shoddy, he didn't know what he was doing in regards to foreplay, rhyme was wack and he came in a matter of seconds..thankfully it got better after each go..but hey, still doesn't make me feel any better..
Andy_K Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I dont buy that he was a virgin I'm not so sure... who else but a virgin would spend 6 months talking to a girl every single day just to get laid? I doubt any playboy could be bothered with that much hassle. But kaylan is definitely right that if you want a straight answer, you need to ask a straight question. You should really have asked about his intentions before sex, but you really don't have much to lose now by asking "Do you want to date me, or was this more of a romantic fling?" Try to word it in such a way that there isn't a 'correct' answer he'll try to pick.
RedRobin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I'm getting a different read on this, or maybe I'm not understanding your post fully. It sounds like he got back home and asked if you got home safely? Then you jumped the gun and assumed the worst, hoping for him to reassure you and say "no, no... I really want to see you again!!" Can you put yourself in his shoes and maybe think how'd you feel if you got a text saying... "So is this where we go our separate ways?" If you'd like to see him again, then just say so. Tell him you are confused about his intentions, and see where that goes... That would probably more effective. 1
Author mellum Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 When we were texting and before I had asked about going our separate ways, I had said " I had a really good time, I hope you did too" to which he responded with "Yesterday was lots of fun, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself :)" which to me sounded like a brush off and I then asked the that question. I'm an insecure person who hadn't been with someone for 3 years. And have been burnt pretty badly before. So I don't know, I'm just waiting for rejection..and the fact he hasn't come right out and rejected me..its like I'm wanting him to do it so I can get over him and move on
phineas Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 6 months of emails & messaging before you agreed to meet him & then you slept with him when you did? You all are toasting in a roll bread. 6
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I find it very easy to give advice and not so easy to take it...but here we go... You are putting all of your worth and importance into your sexuality. As such, because you had sex and potentially you are not getting anything more from this man (you don't know yet), you are feeling at a loss because you don't feel at this point you have anything more to offer. Your self-esteem and confidence (with this guy at least) is tied into the fact that you had sex with him. If you can try to tell yourself, 'hey I had sex, I opened up and had fun' and not 'oh my god, I had sex and nothing happened and I'm a silly, bad person', you will feel much better. It's better that you can say you've lived life by putting yourself out there and going after what you want, rather than sitting still and passing opportunities by in case you come across as foolish. I can completely understand how you feel and sometimes the emotional fallout of an action doesn't seem worth it, but if you can try to reframe this in your mind as an experience that you enjoyed and that you don't need to be ashamed of or embarrassed by, you will feel far better about the situation. Hang tight sweetie. 3
ascendotum Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 (edited) When we were texting and before I had asked about going our separate ways, I had said " I had a really good time, I hope you did too" to which he responded with "Yesterday was lots of fun, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself :)" which to me sounded like a brush off and I then asked the that question. I'm an insecure person.... I dont exactly see a blatant brush off there. I'm with RR, I think you jumped the gun here as well. This guy persevered for 6 mths nurturing an online romance with you. Doesn't exacty sound like the typical pump & dump guy. I agree its kind of weird...it takes you 6 mths to meet him in person, but then you're in bed on the same day. lol Edited April 5, 2012 by ascendotum
xpaperxcutx Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Its not silly to sleep after the first date its sily to think feelings develop from texting and msn.
Pierre Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Haha not defending him, but I'm pretty certain he was a virgin. His kissing was shoddy, he didn't know what he was doing in regards to foreplay, rhyme was wack and he came in a matter of seconds..thankfully it got better after each go..but hey, still doesn't make me feel any better.. Sex too soon is almost always a disaster for women. Most men (whether virgin or not) are programmed to go for it at all times. I wish women were more careful and waited a bit more. Chatting on the Internet is not enough to know someone well. 4
Lostinlife4now Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 mellum..... Oh, no, please stop honey! Live and Learn...Been there done that! AND I WILL NEVER sleep with a man on a first date....NEVER, EVER! or the second or third or tenth...not until I AM ready!!!!! And don't judge yourself or feel bad about you or your sexuality....IT DOESN'T COME FROM A MAN!!!! The internet always scares me with meeting new men! Don't trust it! Hang in there.....It's his loss!!!!! 2
oaks Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 We finally met up 2 days ago. It was really good. Unfortunately, we did end up having sex. Not something I wanted to do so early and quickly, but we did. And it was enjoyable and in total we had sex 4 times. If you didn't want to have sex so early, why did you choose to do so with this time? You weren't used - you chose to have sex with someone you had only just met. And it was enjoyable, you say. Not sure why either of you were still interested in meeting after 6 months of talking, though. I would've got bored after 2 weeks if there was no chance of meeting any time soon. 1
Imported Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 So you didn't want to have sex, but a virgin was able to talk you into sex on the first date. One of my ex's told me about her infidelity. She was having such a nice time with one of her guy friends and next thing she knows, she was on her knees sucking him off. It was an accident and didn't mean anything. How the **** do you women accidentally do **** like that? 1
Imajerk17 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I met this guy on OKcupid. After 3 months of constant talking every single day, he wanted to meet. I said I didn't want just yet as I wasn't ready and I didn't want something short term and meaningless. So we spoke on another 3 more months. Msn, messaging, email, texting, phoning. We finally met up 2 days ago. It was really good. Unfortunately, we did end up having sex. Not something I wanted to do so early and quickly, but we did. And it was enjoyable and in total we had sex 4 times. We spoke about deep personal things..we laughed..joked. We out for dinner. He also then tells me he was a virgin. I didn't really care or mind. But now I think he just used me to lose it. He travels to and fro germany so is not always in the country. So he texts me first saying he got back to where he was staying (still in england) asks if I did too. Couple of texts back and forth I end up saying "so is this where we go our separate ways" To which he said "a little bit, but we will tell each other of them" I didn't really understand so he said that we will go our seperate way, but our ways will meet again.. He always talks so cryptic anyway but I just wanted him to either say 'I just wanted to ****" or "I really want to be with you" just something plain and simple. Anyway, that was yesterday and I haven't herd from him..again that's not totally usually..but still. I can't stop crying and feeling sorry for being such a fool. Sounds to me that you were the one blowing *him* off. At least as a guy, that is how I would take a girl sending me a text like that. Take responsibility for your communication.... 3
dasein Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Someone who is in 6 months of constant contact before sex is not "using" anyone. Also, don't ask questions about "going separate ways" unless you want the other person to think that's what you want, or at the very least that something is wrong on your end. But sorry you have been disappointed in this way, try to meet face-to-face earlier next time and do some dating before sex to avoid this kind of problem in the future. Don't feel bad, it's a mistake many of us have made. Good luck. 1
Pierre Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Sounds to me that you were the one blowing *him* off. At least as a guy, that is how I would take a girl sending me a text like that. Take responsibility for your communication.... "so is this where we go our separate ways" I bet she said those words hoping that he would reply saying he wants to keep seeing her. In other words she was looking for reassurance because she is insecure. However, maybe the guy felt she was dumping him for being a poor lover. 5
Oxy Moronovich Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 How can you be used for something you enjoyed? Why did you wait 6 months to meet him? I think a big mistake was "so this is where we separate" line. You're hinting that's how you feel, not asking how you feel. 2
RedRobin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 When we were texting and before I had asked about going our separate ways, I had said " I had a really good time, I hope you did too" to which he responded with "Yesterday was lots of fun, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself :)" which to me sounded like a brush off and I then asked the that question. I'm an insecure person who hadn't been with someone for 3 years. And have been burnt pretty badly before. So I don't know, I'm just waiting for rejection..and the fact he hasn't come right out and rejected me..its like I'm wanting him to do it so I can get over him and move on It's ok... Most people are feeling a little nervous and insecure when they first meet someone they like. It's nothing to be ashamed about. If he's really a virgin, he's going to be putting on a brave front himself and just assuming that he sucked, and waiting for you to be dumping him. So, we potentially have two shy people doing their best to not get hurt and not saying what they really think. I suppose it is possible that he is some kind of international playboy, but why claim to be a virgin? and why spend so much time emailing, etc? Naah. He probably is what he says he is. You have nothing to lose at this point by just telling him what you are telling us and seeing what happens.
RedRobin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 ... I'm not a fan of those who assume that the woman needs to always be the one controlling the pace of the relationship. Let's just assume this guy really was a virgin. He's potentially losing the chance to have a relationship with HER too because now things are awkward. Takes two to tango folks. Also, I don't see anything wrong with waiting as long as you need to to meet someone you met online... especially if they are from a foreign country. ...and yes, 'feelings' do happen over emails, phone calls, etc. OP, I think you may not be choosing not the best place to get advice (LS). Most of the people here do lots of online dating where they meet someone in a couple of weeks, and if they aren't f*king by the 3rd date or second week of 'knowing' someone, they are moving on.... and if they do 'get' sex (whenever it happens) and things don't work out like they planned, they call her a 'slut'. So, take some of the advice here with that in mind...
prune juice Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 So you didn't want to have sex, but a virgin was able to talk you into sex on the first date. One of my ex's told me about her infidelity. She was having such a nice time with one of her guy friends and next thing she knows, she was on her knees sucking him off. It was an accident and didn't mean anything. How the **** do you women accidentally do **** like that? it wasn't an accident and she knows it. she wanted sex and is mad that it didn't meet her standards. is that right? 1
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Why are some of you attacking the OP? Men are funny creatures....they moan women are frigid or get sex elsewhere if the woman doesn't want sex, but call her a whore if she does have sex. Sex can happen whenever it feels right. There is no correct timescale. 1
oaks Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Why are some of you attacking the OP? I'm criticising her claim that she was "used for sex" because I disagree with her analysis, specifically because she appears to have had sex willingly, 4 times, and enjoyed it. She was as much a party to that as he was. I don't think that's an attack on the OP. 5
thatone Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 So you didn't want to have sex, but a virgin was able to talk you into sex on the first date. One of my ex's told me about her infidelity. She was having such a nice time with one of her guy friends and next thing she knows, she was on her knees sucking him off. It was an accident and didn't mean anything. How the **** do you women accidentally do **** like that? they don't "accidentally" do that. they do it because they want to, just like men want to. then when they get attached to some man they've had sex with the only way anyone ever told them to deal with their own emotions is to play the victim, project blame for what they chose to do, be ashamed of having sexual desire, etc etc etc. half biology, half bad social programming.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I'm criticising her claim that she was "used for sex" because I disagree with her analysis, specifically because she appears to have had sex willingly, 4 times, and enjoyed it. She was as much a party to that as he was. I don't think that's an attack on the OP. Yeah! And if someone didn't want to have sex, like the OP says she didn't … then why have sex??? FOUR TIMES!!! I am not for or against having "early sex," but I think it's up to you to realize that you have not established a "relationship" that early, so if it turns out to be simply a sexcapade, you better be fine with that. But quit with the blaming someone else for an activity you are fully participating in!
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