Quick scenario question

[Brian83]

Okay, a girl breaks up with a guy after being with him for three years. She starts dating a guy at her work almost immediately after the break up. No more than two weeks later ... there are talks of them moving out with two other people from the workplace into a two bedroom apartment (two couples total). The girl has never lived on her own before.

 

Just curious what kind of chance two people in a situation like that might have.

 

Any thoughts or experiences to share?

 

If you didn't guess, I'm the guy that the girl broke up with.

 

- Brian

[faux]

I recommend you not worry about what your ex is up to. The more you think about what is going on with her, the harder it is going to be on you. I did something like this a few years ago and it took forever for me to recover from the entire situation.

 

The less you know about her from now on the better.

[sportsloving]

Sounds like big troubles brewing and i would step as far away from the situation as I could. Rebounds are rarely good things ... let alone, something involving so many others.

 

Move on, be happy and live life as it was meant to be.

[Brian83]

I think she told me about it to upset me ... because she just volunteered all that information. She made an effort to point out that there were only two bedrooms for the four of them.

 

The thing is, if this doesn't work out for her ... I want her to know that I'll be there for her ... and if I haven't been there all along, talking to her and such, then I don't know if she'd be so apt to consider me as an option.

 

It was just suprising and upsetting to me ... because she and I had been together for so long and were together for about six months before we slept together the first time. Now, whether or not they've already slept together (it's only been about two weeks since the break up) ... the implied suggestions involved with them talking about sharing a bedroom are no different, in some ways.

 

I thought I had it rough before. This just ... sucks. I want to see her and I want to talk to her. I can go off and do my own thing ... but I just don't want to close any doors to any opportunities that I might have with her. This guy hit on her when she was vulnerable, right after she and I got into an arguement, and like ... it seemed to work for him ... and I don't necessarily want to plot any schemes like that to get her back ... but I want to be there for her to show her that I care about her.

 

Is there a healthy way to communicate like that?

 

Thank you all - Brian

[dreamguy]

Hey Brian,

 

I was once in an awkward position, a bit like yours. My ex started dating this guy a few days after we broke up and she made sure some of our mutual friends told me she might be sleeping with him.

I wanted to go over to her place and confront her about it but in the end I thought to myself that this would only make me look insecure and needy. Two qualities that repel your partner in any relationship.

 

Your case, although very tough and hard to cope with (and I do sympathize with you), has a very simple solution: Let her do what she wants and do not try to talk her out of the relationship she is having with the other guy. It might have the exact opposite effect on her and push her deeper into his arms.

If you attempt, by any means, to let her know that you still care about her and that you'll be there for her then you will only give her what she wants: POWER OVER YOU (because she will take your presence for granted). That's very bad because once she has secured your feelings she will be more disposed to do whatever she wants with someone else. Remember this: the only power a person has over you is that which you give them !!

For all you know, she might have slept with him already or she might never do it !

 

I totally agree with faux when he says "The more you think about what is going on with her, the harder it is going to be on you."

The only reason why she told you about all this is to upset you, so you're right about that. Any other considerate person would not volunteer all that information to their ex. She seems to be somewhat insensitive. Look at it this way everytime you think of letting her know you will be there for her. Hopefully this will help you snap out of it and it would keep you from contacting her until she resolves her issues by herself and realizes what she has lost in you !

[Brian83]

Thanks for the advice. It makes a lot of sense ... and it's easier to listen to at this point than it was at first.

 

I had a hard time keeping a calm composure around her after we first broke up ... and the last time I talked to her on the phone ... I basically told her that I had said that it didn't really matter to me what she had been doing ... that I just wanted her back. Her reply to that was ... "that's good to know" in a calm tone. I told my friend that I said that and he said it was like giving her a get out of jail free card But I remember an instance from a while ago when I was thinking about breaking up with her ... and she told me that if I ever changed my mind that she would be there ... and I didn't think of it as an opportunity to run wild. It made me think "wow, this girl really does love me." *shrugs* So I don't know.

 

It's hard finding the right words to say to her ... because I don't want her to think that she doesn't have any chance with me again, but at the same time, I don't want her to think she can walk all over me. Any suggestions as to how I might be able to confront that scenario?

 

She asked me if I was going out with other girls or what not ... and I haven't been ... but I didn't just give her a firm no ... I just kind of shrugged it off. I didn't want to lie to her.

 

I asked her if she wanted to come over on the weekend in the evening and she said she could come over on her lunch break. She said "you just want to see me" in a happier tone ... and I told her that I couldn't deny it.

 

I could really use some suggestions on what to do or how to respond to situations like that. I broke down in front of her the night she told me she wanted to break up with me ... and I don't know if that affected her image of me or not. I am just so torn over all of this that it is hard for me to keep a straight face when I talk to her. She seems to have some penned up anger inside ... and I try to choose my words carefully, because she's ultra sensitive to the things I might have to say to her right now ... but not so sensitive about the things she says to me. She gets quiet and carries a sad tone when I talk about her and I ... until I mention something that reminds her of some kind of unpleasant situation ... then she lashes out. It almost seems like she's hiding her true thoughts/feelings. I don't know.

 

I appreciate all the comments and suggestions. Thank you all for helping me out with this.

 

 

- Brian

[dreamguy]

More than 3 weeks have passed and I haven't heard from my ex. Still, I haven't made any contact with her and I'm still hanging on in there.

So, Brian, I gotta give it to you straight.

 

You said "But I remember an instance from a while ago when I was thinking about breaking up with her ... and she told me that if I ever changed my mind that she would be there ... and I didn't think of it as an opportunity to run wild. It made me think "wow, this girl really does love me." *shrugs* So I don't know.".

Do you know why you had this nice reaction when she spoke those words ? There are two reasons:

1) You are the break-upEE not the break-upER so you weren't ready for this separation and you probably didn't see it coming. It was a total surprise for you and this "surprise" effect, which tears down your defenses, makes you want to get her back at any cost ! Imagine this scenario: A little baby has two toys in his hand (one they like and one they don't care about). Now what happens if you take away the toy they like. They'll start throwing tantrums and crying until you give it back to them (the more you tease them the more they cry and run after you to get that toy back !). Try taking away the toy they don't like and they'll barely resist you (they'll be indifferent to a point where you'll just give them the toy back yourself). Same thing happens when the person you Love or you're addicted to takes away their presence and Love from your everyday life. It's HUMAN NATURE.

2) You are sincere about your feelings for her and you are not confused about how you feel. You know what you want. I once read this somewhere and I think it's definitely true: "The only circumstance where saying I Love You to someone does not drive them away is when they, themselves, feel the same for you". That's exactly why her words didn't make you think of it as an opportunity to run wild.

 

You're damn right "It's hard finding the right words to say to her " because sometimes it's better to say nothing at all. Sometimes, it's better to act as if you were being arrested by a police officer because "anything you say can and WILL be held against you in the court of law." So use your right to remain silent and think of it that way:

a) If you keep on telling her how you feel or calling her or emailing her, etc... then chances are you will lose her interest/friendship/love (if any) forever.

b) If you stop getting in touch with her then you can either lose her (if she never loved you in the first place) or you can make her realize you're the one she wants to be with.

 

Obviously choice b) is a better option because you will always come out as a winner if you go for it.

Even if you lose her because she never loved you in the first place, you're still a winner on the long run. Think of it as a blessing in disguise because it's better and less painful to lose her now than at a later stage of the relationship when things get more complicated (example: when you're both married, have children, have been together for many more years...)

 

When she asks you if you're seeing other girls or not. I think you should reply "Yes, but there's nothing serious so far". Give her the feeling of competition without making it sound like a threat. Get what I mean ?

 

And for God's sake stop mentioning things about past unpleasant situations. Don't you see it only revives negative feelings in her ? That's not to your advantage. You want her to see the guy she first liked in you.

 

The only way you can know if she's really hiding her true thoughts/feelings is to wait for her to decide to show them to you. You cannot pull them out. Trust me on this and, again, ask anyone who tried to do that where they ended up.

[Brian83]

Thank you for the advice. I will definitely take all of that into consideration. I'm a little bit nervous about her coming over tomorrow ... but I think I can pull through. I was thinking about saying something along these lines, because it's really how I feel ...

 

" Look, I know that I was in a panic when we first talked about all of this, and I think you understand the feeling. But, I am moving on slowly but surely, and with each new day I gain that much more resolve. Now that I'm able to look at all of this from a new perspective, I think this is the right choice for you and I.

I can't tell you that I'll be there forever ... even as a friend ... that would almost be naive. This is something that you have to figure out on your own. It doesn't seem like there's anything I can say at this point to change your mind, and that's the way it's supposed to be. This is you deciding what you want to do for yourself.

I think you know how I feel about you. I don't think it needs to be said anymore. You have to understand also, that other girls are going to come along. I know you told me that I should go out and date other girls, but when it becomes a reality, that is something that you're going to have to accept all over again.

You might fight off thinking about all of this, but, there will come a time when you stop running from these thoughts and face them.

You know how to get a hold of me. I want to say that I'll be waiting, but I can't guarantee you anything. You know how I feel at this point, where I stand. Now you have to find out where you stand. "

 

Any comments on that?

 

Thanks

 

- Brian

[dreamguy]

Brian,

 

Man you already told her all that and she knows it.

When you say it again it becomes plain obvious to her that your trying to use reverse psychology to stir her feelings once again.

Besides you shouldn't use words like "panic". Those are the negative emotions I talked about in my previous post.

As for saying "I think you know how I feel about you" it's exactly as if you were telling her "I love you" once more ! And she will read between the lines. Trust me.

 

"You have to understand also, that other girls are going to come along. I know you told me that I should go out and date other girls, but when it becomes a reality, that is something that you're going to have to accept all over again.". No on this one ! I wouldn't advise you to volunteer out any information, it makes it sound pathetic. Let her be the one to ask "Are you seeing anyone else ?". And if/when she does you can say "Yes, but there's nothing serious so far". Let your new behavior (of being more distant and detached) lead her to that question. And most of all, when you see her tomorrow keep smiling (not at her, but in general) as if you were relaxed and happy. Go rehearse in front of a mirror. I don't care what it takes to make your smile look natural. JUST DO IT AND DO IT WELL ! It will have a killer effect on her !! Even if she hides it from you.

 

"You know how to get a hold of me. [...] You know how I feel at this point, where I stand. Now you have to find out where you stand." Again no on this one ! Sorry to disappoint you but you gotta forget about these lines you have prepared. Women are attracted to mysterious men (the silent type). Silence is a necessary ingredient to mystery. So build up that mystery again and prove to yourself that you have the b**** to do it !

 

I hope you will follow my advice. It's up to you. Good luck anyway.