The world is so small, now my engagement might be ruined

[SocialDragonfly]

My fiance and I will be getting married by December. The problem is I was recently introduced to his cousin. It turns out his cousin's best friend is my ex bf, the guy I cheated (we were 18 years old) and got caught that day. Being a coward then, instead of owning up to how I wronged him, I walked away and didn't speak to him again.

 

Now 7 years later, it's like he's in my life again. The introduction was awkward and I pretended to greet him for the first time. He did the same too but I can tell he was somewhat uneased. I do regret what my action back then and would have like to work it out at the time but was embarrassed and couldn't look him in the eyes again.

 

So I've been trying to really run away from this past and move on but I'm concern he's going to reveal this to my fiance and possibly others too. What to do? I didn't expected to see him again. I still feel terrible though but is he going to tell my fiance that, which can possible ruin my engagement. I recalled once when we were still bf and gf, he explained how he disliked cheaters and might dumped one. I'm screwed if this is revealed.

Edited April 5, 2012 by SocialDragonfly

[westrock]

Stop trying to run away. You may have been a coward back then, but now you know better and you are older and more mature. The only way you can deal with this is to face it head on and not avoid it anymore.

 

Tell your fiance what happened. If you don't tell him, it is likely your ex will tell your fiance's cousin your connection and what happened to end the relationship. Your fiance's cousin will then tell your fiance. Better that your fiance hear the story first from you.

[SocialDragonfly]

Then he will ask why and there was really no excuse for it. At the time I did it not because the relationship was getting rocky (actually it was stable and hardly anything was missing) but because I was a stupid, selfish girl then.

 

But I've learned and will not ever cheat on my fiance. Cheating is for cowards, which I was at the time.

[SocialDragonfly]

I've always wanted to apologize to my ex but not sure if he will accept it at this point.

[westrock]

Can you talk with the ex now and apologize so that you can get a better understanding of where things are at?

 

The problem here is that if you don't address this with your ex or your fiance and instead you try to avoid this hoping it will go away, there is a good chance your fiance will hear about it first from the ex. The foundation of a marriage is communication, honesty, and trust. You want to start your marriage on the right foot.

[briarR0se]

because I was a stupid, selfish girl then.

 

Should you fail to reveal this to him yourself, you will only demonstrate the way in which you remain, seven years later, a coward.

[Professor X]

The way you speak now shows you haven't changed much: still a coward.

 

You still trying to run away, you still trying to hide and you can't even look the men in his eyes or ask for forgiveness.

 

Best thing you can do is tell your fiance yourself, cause I can assure you that he will find out about this.

[SocialDragonfly]

Can you talk with the ex now and apologize so that you can get a better understanding of where things are at?

Well yes I still have his email (though if I had the chance to see him again in person, then ok). I'm thinking of writing the following:

 

Hi Jeff,

This is SocialDragonfly writing you. I know this might be late and you've probably moved on by this time but wanted to say I'm sorry for what I put you through then. You didn't deserved to be cheated on, no one does. I wish you the best and hope you find a girl that treats you better than I did.

[CarrieT]

Face the music and show you have grown up and learned from your mistakes.

 

Your fiance is going to learn the truth and it is better to learn it from you now.

[PegNosePete]

Why are you so concerned with what you will say to your ex? You should be more concerned about what you will say to your fiance. You have to tell him. By pretending to not know your ex, you are lying to your fiance and deceiving him. Is that a good way to start a marriage? I think not.

[westrock]

Well yes I still have his email (though if I had the chance to see him again in person, then ok). I'm thinking of writing the following:

 

Hi Jeff,

This is SocialDragonfly writing you. I know this might be late and you've probably moved on by this time but wanted to say I'm sorry for what I put you through then. You didn't deserved to be cheated on, no one does. I wish you the best and hope you find a girl that treats you better than I did.

Dragonfly,

 

I'm not trying to be harsh with you, but honestly, you do not sound sincere in your email.

 

If anything he might show this to his best friend as evidence that the two of you know each other and that you really did cheat on him. This email will make it back to your fiance.

 

Eventually your fiance is going to find out. You've already lied by pretending you just met your ex for the first time. Would you rather you tell your fiance yourself or have him find it out from someone else? The longer you avoid this, the harder it will be for you later on.

 

If the whole situation was reversed, wouldn't you prefer your fiance told you, rather than you hearing your cousin saying to you, "Dragonfly, I just found out and you should know that your fiance and my best friend actually know each other from the past! What's worse, he cheated on her!".

[spice4life]

First of all, why are you considering telling your exbf anything? That's in the past, you made a mistake and have moved on with your life. The ONLY person you owe an explanation now is your FIANCE'. Tell him the truth about what happened, you made a mistake and you have learned from the experience.

 

For goodness sakes, you were 18 and you made a mistake...big deal. As long as you have learned from it and you haven't cheated nor do you intend to, on your fiance', that's all that matters. It's not like you cheated on your fiance' with your exbf, so snap out of it.

 

If you don't tell your fiance' the entire truth about what happened then, I agree with the others, you are still a coward. More importantly, the fact that you are so focused on what to say to your exbf and not your fiance', means you have some personal issues to work out within yourself. Like, why are your relationship priorities mixed up and why are you so afraid of being honest with the man you are about to marry? And why are you putting so much thought into about what to say to your exbf? He's an ex. Shis happens in life. Grow up and deal with it like a mature adult and TELL your fiance' now. That is the ONLY person who needs to know the truth...period!

[RiverRunning]

Like the others said, speak honestly. Something like:

 

"John, I have to admit that I lied to you about something in my past when we first started dating. I had moved on from that part of my life, realized my errors, and I was worried that I would lose out on a great guy if I told the truth. When I was 18, I cheated on one of my boyfriends. I felt so ashamed and so guilty about it that I ended the relationship. What I did was childish and immature, but I felt that you had the right to know."

 

Otherwise, your boyfriend is only two degrees away from knowing your ex-boyfriend. No doubt that sooner or later, ex-boyfriend will tell the cousin, "She cheated on me back when we were teenagers!" and, like a wildfire, cousin will run to your fiance to say, "Guess what ex-boyfriend just told me! She CHEATED on him!"

 

It is ALWAYS better if the truth comes from YOUR mouth. You have the opportunity to do some serious damage control. Don't expect that such a conversation will go over very well, but it will be MUCH better than if he hears it from a third party.