Frustrated with my boyfriend--not good enough?

[FrostFire]

I'm posting this for my girlfriend because I care about her and am curious of the replies from the community here. My apologies if I posted this in the wrong section and thanks for reading.

 

"My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly two years. During that time we have become incredibly close, but at the same time there are little things he does (and that I do) which are really frustrating, upsetting and just indescribably difficult for each of us to resolve on our own. In essence, both of us get the feeling that we are not good enough for each other in our own way. :/ Please help!

 

Here is a bit of background:

 

I am reserved sexually. This does not mean we are not animals under the covers--we let loose like rampaging beasts --but some part of me is not comfortable with camming, sexting, and the like. I am all for PDA, but I tend to shy from intimacy in public places. In the beginning of our relationship, I flirted heavily with my boyfriend, teased him constantly, and it was fun. But lately, I have had a lot of frustration and stress due to the several jobs I maintain in addition to coursework and my Master's thesis. In other words, I am very very busy.

 

My boyfriend, on the other hand, is kinky. He loves to experiment, and he has gotten me to open up sexually (no pun intended!). He is working but his jobs are not consistent during the week, i.e., he works part time, so he tends to have a lot of free time on his hands.

 

Granted, we love and miss each other. But lately he wants me to text him more, flirt with him more, be healthier (lose a little weight, as he put it) and generally feel sexier. Make him feel wanted, needed, craved. I DO crave him, like crazy, but our Skype sessions only serve to frustrate him and me, and sexting is something I tend to do once in a while, maybe once a day if I can. So frustration readily sets in and at the end of the day all I want is a cuddle session and all he wants is to get laid. :/ I do enjoy him physically and sexually, but lately he is unconvinced, simply because I do not sext him enough, or perform on webcam like he wants me to. So then I feel inadequate, and he does, too.

 

How do we stay together for the long term, given these obvious differences in sexual needs? Are we in this for the wrong reasons? I see myself with no one else...he has been so loving and accepting in all other aspects of our lives, but this has been an issue for some time.

 

Please, any advice is greatly appreciated."

Edited April 5, 2012 by FrostFire

[bambiraptor9]

I would like some advice on this--FrostFire is my bf, btw...any advice for us is welcomed!

[darkmoon]

can't help wondering what advice you'd give each other, and i mean that

[dasein]

This sounds like a normal relationship issue between two people who love and respect each other that can be resolved through some compromises pn both ends. Can't really offer any specific advice or ideas other than that.

[veggirl]

Are you guys long distance? Why Skype instead of seeing one another in person? Also not sure what advice you are seeking...you want your girl to be sexier, lose weight, etc...she is very busy but sounds willing.

[FitChick]

It sounds like he is bored. He needs to find other things to occupy his time.

[veggirl]

I agree with Fitchick, and I re-read the OP and the BF sounds pretty insensitive. I mean camming and sexting? That is all fun every once in a while and all, but shoot how often does he want it? Perhaps he should look into volunteer work, fulltime work, or a hobby?

 

anyway, longterm sexual incompatibility will tear you apart and make you resent one another, so I'd look at this closely and figure out if it's a temp for now thing or if its a true incompatibility.

[bambiraptor9]

Are you guys long distance? Why Skype instead of seeing one another in person? Also not sure what advice you are seeking...you want your girl to be sexier, lose weight, etc...she is very busy but sounds willing.

 

We can't see one another in person often because each of us live with our families and neither of us owns a car. In addition, his grandmother has issues with me (she is afraid I will take her only grandson away from her, to be blunt) and neither of us want to deal with her drama when we are together (trust me, we have done so in the past and it was not fun), so we are restricted to my parents' house. Our working and school schedules also limit when we can see each other...mostly to weekends.

[bambiraptor9]

I agree with Fitchick, and I re-read the OP and the BF sounds pretty insensitive. I mean camming and sexting? That is all fun every once in a while and all, but shoot how often does he want it? Perhaps he should look into volunteer work, fulltime work, or a hobby?

 

anyway, longterm sexual incompatibility will tear you apart and make you resent one another, so I'd look at this closely and figure out if it's a temp for now thing or if its a true incompatibility.

 

I also agree with Fitchick in the sense that yes, it is likely my bf needs to occupy more of his time. It is unfortunate that one job he has right now is not working him as often as he wants, as he is at the mercy of their schedule (i.e., they call him when they want him to work, which, due to his beginner status, renders him more free than worked, and when he does work, it is at really odd hours).

 

We have discussed compatibility issues before. I admit I am more 'vanilla' than he is, but imo it is more than likely due to the fact that I still live with my parents and siblings, and raunchy sex with so many people I am related to around makes me feel really awkward. We have checked into a hotel several times, and it provides excellent release, but it is expensive to do so often, and since I am practically a full time student, it is not worth it to keep checking into a hotel when we could save for a place of our own.

 

I am not entirely sure we are incompatible sexually. We both enjoy sex, and we both love each other very much. It's just once in a while this issue of not being good enough insofar as constant streams of texts, webcam stripteases, and fetishes are concerned crops up, and neither of us know how to confront and resolve this without hurting the other person.

[Ninjainpajamas]

There are several factors affecting the relationship right now;

 

- You're much busier than he is, which leaves him with a lot more energy and downtime

 

- You're therefore likely to be more more exhausted and overwhelmed, where he has a lot of free time and cannot empathize realistically with how you "feel" due to that

 

- He still desires attention and kind of maybe "wants things to go back to the way they used to be", more sexual tension and playfulness in the relationship

 

- He is feeling insecure due to the amount of time and energy you focus on other things in your life and he essentially feels left out of it at times, sometimes he just wants your attention, to know you are thinking about him and remind him that you still have a sexual desire for him...It's how men feel accepted in a relationship

 

- There is an incompatibility with sexual aspect of the relatoinship...so therefore you feel like you have to make a stretch to satisfy his more relaxed and testosterone fueled perspective of sexual intimacy where as you may feel rather uncomfortable or anxious over participating in these kinds of things (uncomfortable with your body), not because necessarily you don't want to at least some of the time, but he doesn't go about in a way either that makes you feel comfortable or relaxed, he comes off as the rush, rush, let's just do this...why can't you just try something new!, when you need someone who is more patient and peels back the layers at or more comfortable pace instead of diving in...also what turns you on may work differently than what does it for him.

 

I don't think he necessarily understands you well in that regard.

 

My advice;

 

It always come down to communication..

 

First off, He is going to have to accept that your schedule is busy and your going to be tired and exhausted a lot of the time...this is part of the deal right now, It's going to be easier later in life which is why you're making the sacrifice now...unfortunately the relationship does take quite hit during this time, It's just the way it is.

 

You should communicate with each other as often as you can as listen to each other and try to empathize and put yourself in the other persons shoes, there's too much of a disconnect right now and getting down to how things make you feel and getting into the details will help you understand each other a lot more instead of jumping to conclusions.

 

He should also try and find another job, he should really hustle because this job doesn't like It's going to cut it, he can purchase a car, hell maybe even a motorcycle or something to get from point A to B.

 

The situation where you are in, and having to sleep with each other with all that family around may be ok for some people but not going to be ok with everyone. It doesn't really strike you comfortable and erotic when dad is banging on the toilet in the next room getting rid of those pesky enchiladas! But really, atmosphere...mood, psychological factors....all pretty relevant factors for women to feel in the mood and I don't see how that is going to improve without moving out.

 

How do we stay together for the long-term?

 

That's basically the idea here, however you sound like different people with a very short period of time to have a relationship and that may pull you ultimately apart.

 

You're goal oriented and dedicating a lot of times and resources towards that, he's sitting on a job that calls him some of the time and therefore left with a ton of free time, sexual urges and energy. And I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to feel that way, I know that It's like to be in his shoes, and busy schedules put stress on relationships and even marriages, It's notorious for ending a lot of them (see medical students/Physicians) because at the time there just isn't any..time, to have one and invest like you would want to.

 

I'm not putting him down for that at all, but It would be beneficial for himself and the relationship If he had more ways of preoccupying his mind.

 

If you can't find the time and energy to put more into this relationship and you're feeling pressured and he's feeling unfulfilled then you should take a break before the relationship continues to deteriorate in my opinion, rather than have it hit rock bottom. What this will do is give each other your freedom and take the eyes back away from each other and back on yourselves and your lives, because realistically It's probably what you both need right now judging from your living situations and lack of transportation.

 

If you find your way back to each other in a different place then it was meant to be, If you move on....well..

 

I'm not trying to be a pessimist and insist you guys should break up, but realize what's on the table here...you're going to both have to sacrifice to make it work, It's not going to be easy and you're going to need to communicate a lot and a lot of times go without what you may feel you need....IF you're ultimately willing to do that then you're just going to keep working at until you find a system that works.

 

But I've pretty much outlined the biggest things you need to do to ease the pressure off, since he has most of the free time, he's going to need to try and accomplish more...gain more finances and transportation so at least you can see each other more often and ease of the kinkyness of the relationship right now...It's just not going to happen right now.

[bambiraptor9]

ninjainpajamas--Your post is thorough, detailed and incredibly helpful. You hit the nail on the head in terms of communication, openness, patience and moving out/transportation. I agree with you in that regard.

 

As far as taking a break goes...that's a tough decision and it will take a lot of consideration and further communication before we cross that bridge. It is a painful option, but it is an option, and I thank you for pointing it out.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful reply.

 

Any other advice is still welcome.

[FrostFire]

Ninja, that was the most amazing and thoughtful post I have ever read. I cannot thank you enough for such great advice and tips.

 

Let me clarify a few things. First, I have completed my education for now as I have my Associates Degree. I am not about to take out student loans to pursue my Bachelors. My dad told me to promise him I wouldn't and it's a promise I intend on keeping.

 

Second, I work 2 jobs right now and I am doing my darndest to get a car and change things. My situation is I was planning on joining JOB A full-time and leaving my other job (JOB B). Just before I was about to end JOB B they offered me a promotion with a significant raise. I discussed it with my girlfriend and I came to the conclusion that it would be better for me to keep that job, due to seniority in case something happened. Fast forward 3 months, I still have not got that raise and because of that I am limited in my hours with JOB A.

 

Now, JOB A is very easy to make full-time it just takes one call from me. However, a few months ago in making my decision to work part-time was contributed a lot from my girlfriend crying on my shoulder basically pleading with me to guarantee her one day every week to spend with her. At that time, I told her I could not and it broke her heart as well as mine. So to save myself from all that drama I decided, after giving it some thought, to make that sacrifice and give her what she wanted because I truly loved and cared for her.

 

The result is I work less because of my decision to work Wed-Fri/Sun with JOB A; Saturdays off to spend time with my GF and Mon/Tues for JOB B. Unfortunately, JOB A has decided not work me from Wed-Fri/Sun. Sometimes they do sometimes they don't. It's the nature of my job. I'm scared to make it full-time because the reaction I got from GF quite scared me and I don't want to lose her over my job.

 

The nature of my job sometimes requires me to go away for 6 consecutive days and since we only get to spend Saturdays together there's a high probability I will be working during the weekends.

 

Now that you have a clearer picture of my situation perhaps it can help in getting some more advice. I appreciate everyone that has taken their time to read through this. It means a lot!

Edited April 6, 2012 by FrostFire