WWDDFD Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like giving up completely and just becomming a hermit for the rest of my life. I'm 24. I've been on one date in my entire life, and the only reason she went out with me was out of sheer boredom and pity for me. I don't think she even considered it a date. No one ever approaches me, ever shows any interest in me whatsoever. So what if I'm shy; ok so I try online dating. I set up profiles on two popular sites. here and here. Every time I approach someone it's always "oh you seem like a really great and nice guy, but you're not my type". Not a single person EVER approaches me or shows even a remote amount of interest. I'm so sick of this. I don't even know what's wrong; I'm a successful writer and I CANT EVEN GET PEOPLE TO USE ME FOR MY MONEY. Do you know how f***ing sad that is? Yeah I have a confidence problem. How the HELL is it supposed to get any better if no one will ever show any interest in me? I had much better confidence before I even considered trying to date someone. Jesus what's the point.
capitald Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Most girls out there are numb and dumb and bargain basement, shallow and vain and our world is doing very little to cultivate or educate people. I am tired of vain, fake, shallow women as well. There is a book called Dumbing Down: Essays on the Strip Mining of American Culture, you should check it out. Whats happening to the world? On some levels its getting better, on others it is getting far worse. Don't go for very attractive women, go for someone that is humble and polite and you just might find your soul mate. Anyway, your young yet, get to 30 and then you can start sweating over this nonsense.
moimeme Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Cultivate your approach to people. Above all, be friendly and kind. Join a club, take lessons, or join a volunteer organization that you believe in. Find things to occupy your life and fulfil you. While you are engineering a pleasant life for yourself, it may well happen that someone will come along who's impressed with how you're living your life. You will absolutely not find anyone if you dwell on the woes in your life. Learn how to enjoy your existence, this planet, and everything around you and you'll forget about your self.
sportsloving Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 You will absolutely not find anyone if you dwell on the woes in your life. Learn how to enjoy your existence, this planet, and everything around you and you'll forget about your self. I agree with Moimeme. I read your first ad, it sounded as if you have a wicked or warped sense of humor (a good thing) but also down on yourself in other areas. You might want to re~read the first impression of yourself to the world. The second site asked that I join, and thanks but no thanks. You have a lot to offer a person; you are a good looking, smart, funny and intelligent guy. Play on the good, forget about the bad and forget about shyness. Wait til at least the second or third date to tell the woman why she shouldn't/wouldn't want to be with you ... and by that time you will have forgotten why it is she should go Best of luck to you
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Change that bio!! You write: "Yeah, I'm boring... but that's because I don't have anyone to spend my time with." AND "I tend to over-exaggerate the bad things about myself. I have no idea why." AND "wondering why I haven't found a real job yet." Writing books is not only a real "job"... but one helluva career!! Was this just an attempt at humor? If so, it didn't go over. Man, talk about "pity dates"...even I got depressed reading that one! "Happy" it up, WWDDFD. I'm not saying to blow yourself out of proportion. It's important to keep it real. You've got a lot going for you... but unless YOU believe it, no one else will either. Try again!
Debster Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 As an ex- pro-internet dater (retired due to finding my fiance online), here's my advice: First off - your attitude stinks. The overall impression I'm getting is poor me, take pity on me, what's wrong with me? Not the impression you want to be leaving. Secondly, for online dating, your ad is key. if you are a writer, re-read your ad. What does it say to you? What it says to me is that this guy lacks the drive to pursue a career, low self-confidence/esteem and didn't take the time to really think about what to write in his ad. If you think your life is so boring - get off your butt and do something about it and DO NOT write that in your ad. What a turn off! Also, why should anyone respond to an ad that lists off random meaningless words? Write about what is unique about you, what you like to do, what your hobbies/interests are and what you are looking for. You might be the best guy in the world but I know I wouldn't waste my time responding to your ad. Thirdly, you are not on the most active Web sites. I know that in Canada, the key site is Lavalife, followed by Quest. In the States, I believe it is Match.com that is the lead Web site. Granted, you might have to pay to play, but the numbers work in your favour. You are also gaining access to more potential partners who want to find a partner bad enough to pay for it. Fourthly, your pictures aren't up to snuff. Don't take this the wrong way. I am NOT saying that you are unattractive or anything like that. What I AM saying, is that people respond to ads that show a body shot. A lot of online daters have been fooled by someone saying they are slim when really they aren't. They will look for a full-length picture (a body shot). In your head shot, your eyes are closed, you look stoned and your hair is in your face. Get a new picture done, where you are smiling and your eyes are open and you can actually see your face. The third shot is a waste of space if you ask me - who wants to see the top of your head? Fifthly, you say noone ever approaches you - do you ever approach them? The Web sites I used allowed you to send free 'smiles' to show interest. My fiance's friend always complains about never getting the right people responding and I keep telling him that he needs to be active and start sending smiles. It is a numbers game with online dating. You could send out 20 'smiles' and only get about 3-5 responses back. That is a pretty normal response rate. Try these suggestions out and see what happens. I'm willing to bet that in a month things will start to turn around. If not, then it might be the way you are responding/sending emails. Once again, online dating rules are different. Good luck.
Debster Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Most girls out there are numb and dumb and bargain basement, shallow and vain and our world is doing very little to cultivate or educate people. I am tired of vain, fake, shallow women as well. There is a book called Dumbing Down: Essays on the Strip Mining of American Culture, you should check it out. Whats happening to the world? On some levels its getting better, on others it is getting far worse. Don't go for very attractive women, go for someone that is humble and polite and you just might find your soul mate. Anyway, your young yet, get to 30 and then you can start sweating over this nonsense. This has got to be one of the most idiotic responses I have seen in a while. The only thing I can agere with it that there are a number of poorly cultivated and educated people out there. Could it be that the chip you have on your shoulder has created this distorted view on women? Or maybe the fact that you view women so badly, that only the vain, fake, shallow women are stupid enough to put up with your crap?
capitald Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Okay, disregard the negative things I wrote and just focus on: "Don't go for very attractive women, go for someone that is humble and polite and you just might find your soul mate." Oh and to the original poster: Stop the shoegazing, that is definitely not working for you. P.S. On the other hand, I do think there is a real problem with the way people in our world communicate and share themselves with others. I just feel people have a hard time opening themselves up to sharing their feelings and to partake in deep conversations. All of this THUG mentality stuff is really taking its toll and making the world a worse place. Everyone has to be so tough. To return to women I seriously don't hear any REAL conversation out of them. They can't get beyond gossip, decor talk, or dieting talk (giving and receiving problem advice on loveshack is not a substitute for the kind of communication I am talking about either). Maybe one day I be among a higher rung of individuals, but as for Average Joes and Janes, the kind of communication I recieve corresponds to a mentality that wants to do the bare minimum to get by and then they look at me like I am crazy when I say something with depth or try to go to a deeper level with them. Most people are so in the habit of being shallow they look with terror at anything someone with depth says. Its truly a dumbing down process thats happening in America, I don't care what anyone says.
sportsloving Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Originally posted by capitald Okay, disregard the negative things I wrote and just focus on: "Don't go for very attractive women, go for someone that is humble and polite and you just might find your soul mate." Oh and to the original poster: Stop the shoegazing, that is definitely not working for you. Perhaps CapitalD, that not going for attractive women works for you ... but I fail to see why or how this is good advice for the poster. I would tend to believe that he should "go for" any woman in which he feels he would like to get to know better.
capitald Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 I said VERY attractive women. There is always a tradeoff. One person never possesses all of the virtues. You have to find a person that will have those aspects that you most need in a mate even if that means that you must compromise. Some people need a super attractive person. Maybe they need that to attract friends and to be attracted to the person, maybe its what they are really into. The original poster here just seems to me to be a humble, intellectual sort, maybe a good mind will be more important to him then having some model. Also, unprepossessing women are just more likely to have a deeper soul then your run of the mill, cool cat hipster.
Leikela Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Dude, defintely listen to the previous advice on here. They are dead on. I read your first profile and if I was actively seeking someone I would almost be "scared" to respond to you. The random thoughts and random words you wrote on there combined with the crazy/aloof hair style/pics, gave me the feeling of a unibomber type person. I'm just saying that's how you came across to me, not how you actually are. You definitely have a unique personality. You seem highly intelligent as well. I think you're going to have to search for an equally unique and highly intelligent girl. They are out there but takes a bit longer to find. In the meantime, stick to what you're doing and maybe find some more hobbies or activities to partake in. You never know who's path you'll run across. Also, don't be afraid to speak up yourself! Girls love confident guys that approach them. Body language speaks louder then words.
sportsloving Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Originally posted by capitald Some people need a super attractive person. Maybe they need that to attract friends and to be attracted to the person, maybe its what they are really into. The original poster here just seems to me to be a humble, intellectual sort, maybe a good mind will be more important to him then having some model. Dear dear CapitalD. I can't even tisk you because it wouldn't matter. So my only question is this: Perhaps this humble and intellectual sort of woman is also a super attractive lady? Still think he should limit himself to the "not very attractive"? To return to women I seriously don't hear any REAL conversation out of them. They can't get beyond gossip, decor talk, or dieting talk (giving and receiving problem advice on loveshack is not a substitute for the kind of communication I am talking about either). Maybe one day I be among a higher rung of individuals, but as for Average Joes and Janes, the kind of communication I recieve corresponds to a mentality that wants to do the bare minimum to get by and then they look at me like I am crazy when I say something with depth or try to go to a deeper level with them. Most people are so in the habit of being shallow they look with terror at anything someone with depth says. Its truly a dumbing down process thats happening in America, I don't care what anyone says. As to this mini little rant you have about the female population. A) This is neither the time nor place for this because it does not related to the orginial poster in any capacity. B) Women have "real" conversations all the time. Perhaps it is just your choice not to listen.
savethedrama4allama Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 I think that it depends what type of crowd you are involved with. I have two separate groups of friends, one is comprised of twenty-somethings who still live in their home towns, never went to college, smoke, drink and party. The other is a group of twenty-somethings who live out of state for law school or to get their PhDs, they know how to have fun but don't party all the time. I am much more likely to have an in-depth conversation with the latter group. Attractive, intelligent, socially aware women are out there, I would like to consider myself one of them as well. But what many of the posters say is true, that you must be busy enjoying your own life for someone else to think it is wonderful as well.
capitald Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Leikela is on to something here: "I think you're going to have to search for an equally unique and highly intelligent girl. They are out there but takes a bit longer to find." P.S. what one considers a REAL conversation may not be a REAL conversation and it may be the only thing that that one has ever known so he/she mistakes it as real conversation. As Jesus said: "Forgive them for they do not know."
Author WWDDFD Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 Okay, I SERIOUSLY revamped my profile. What do you think now? To be quite honest, I *HATE* not letting people know the bad things about myself at first. It makes me feel like a fraud; people have the right to know what's wrong with me; I don't want them to start liking me and then go "SURPRISE! THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME! HAHA!". That's just ****ed up.
Leikela Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Congrats on your new profile. MUCH MUCH BETTER IMPROVEMENT!! It is a lot more positive and you come off as a nice and sincere guy. You even put some humor in there which is great! The only other suggestion I would make is to take a better picture. One where you're looking forward and smiling and maybe get your hair out of your eyes. You really aren't a bad looking guy at all but you gotta show the world that. Good luck to you!
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Better but… Perhaps you could edit the following: Came here for the hell of it, never really expected to find anything serious, but Too pessimistic. because I'm afraid I'll come off as insincere, By stating this, you already do. I've basically been sedentary for the past 5 years (writing, school, you know how it is) and I'm sick of it. Ack! There you go again, darnit!! I'd really like someone to come along with me if you're up to it, but if not that's cool too. What the h*ll's up with that last part? You just gave in to rejection before you were even rejected!! OMG ladies! We really need to help our newbie bachelor, here! Where's the fab five when you need 'em?!
Author WWDDFD Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO What the h*ll's up with that last part? You just gave in to rejection before you were even rejected!! Not really sure what you mean by this. I don't want to scare away people who aren't gung-ho about biking like I am. I'm perfectly fine with someone who isn't into biking. Did I word it wrong or something?
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 This is your bio, not mine. Crap, the match-matching gene is in the female DNA, so I sorta can't help myself. If it were up to me...I'd lose total control and rewrite the whole darn thing for ya! But then...it would no longer be "yours." BUT...if it were me, I'd remove the "...but if not, its cool" part. You might want to get some other female opinions on this, though. Everyone interprets things differently. I've got my fingers crossed for you. Happy endings are so rare on this forum I get excited when I read something hopeful! Please, please check back in and let us know how it goes! PS...Like Debster, I met my sweetie online too! Best darn thing I ever did was respond to his profile four years ago!!
Author WWDDFD Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 Well since I've updated my profile, I've gotten two people interested in me. Some 18 year old girl living in Moscow, and a 26 year old gay guy. *slams head on table*
Phelly Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Definitely need new pics. Nothing to do with your looks, the pics are just bad. The glasses one was OK but you need more. I like the ideas mentioned earlier of smiling, and perhaps a full body shot. me, I don't think that I have a good smile. So for pictures, I just smile very lightly, just enough that I don't appear to be cynical or depressed. It works I think.
capitald Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 I think it has improved as well, new pictures would definitely help, like they said don't hide in the pics under your hair, you are a good looking guy. Maybe your not a model but you don't have to be. I like how you focus on the biking aspect, and I think you should add other things that make you unique from the billions upon billions of others out there. You are just not differentiating yourself enough. What are your interests? Do you have a favorite author? Do you like traveling to bed and breakfast's and riding a bike around the countryside? Do you like scenic things, camping? What are your political views? Philosophical views? Favorite sports team? C'mon man, get creative. Other tips: 1. don't ever associate yourself with the word nerd. Nerd=boring. 2. using the free sites is not going to get you alot of success in my opinion. 3. you seem to be a little haunted by hopeless demons, maybe you didn't have such a great father, I can relate. You need to get to the bottom of why you feel inherently flawed, doomed to failure, helpless and hopeless. After you do that the confidence will just come.
moimeme Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 I agree about the photos. They make you look morose. The profile is good. You sound positive and good-natured, but my impression from the pics is moody; someone who fancies himself 'poetic' and while you may think that of yourself, it's not a good sell. I also think you belittle yourself overmuch, but in any attempt to change that, definitely avoid any temptation to go the other way! Please don't take a page from some other posters. It is not a sign of high intellect to continually speak about one's superiority to the rest of humans. In fact, that sort of attitude could not be a bigger turnoff. One of our PMs was a brilliant man. While he didn't suffer fools gladly and would challenge them in debate, he was also known for having left everyone who met him feeling important. Stories abound about how he treated people with respect and kindness. You seem a bright fellow, as others have said. It's to your credit that you don't crow about it.
Author WWDDFD Posted June 17, 2004 Author Posted June 17, 2004 Originally posted by capitald Other tips: 1. don't ever associate yourself with the word nerd. Nerd=boring. Sorry, but I am. Why would I lie to make myself seem more interesting? That's wrong. 2. using the free sites is not going to get you alot of success in my opinion. Probably. But you never know. 3. you seem to be a little haunted by hopeless demons, maybe you didn't have such a great father, I can relate. You need to get to the bottom of why you feel inherently flawed, doomed to failure, helpless and hopeless. After you do that the confidence will just come. I know why I am this way. I honestly don't think it's possible to change. Waaay too much **** has happened to me in my life for me to just get over it all. Generally I don't ever tell people anything that happened to me, ah but what the hell, no one here knows me. Basically my parents tortured and beat the **** out of me, physically and mentally. Ever have to write out "I will not talk to strangers" and "I will not speak until spoken to" a million times each? I have. Takes months. "I will not lie", "I will not steal", etc, the list goes on. Only allowed to sleep 4 hours a night until I finished writing them out, getting nothing to eat but bread and water for months at a time. And all those times they made me and my brother stand up naked in the basement for 12 hours at a time as punishment for doing things wrong; beating us if we so much made any expression whatsoever or moved around. Hey, I should consider myself lucky, they said; compared to what the commie gooks in vietnam did to POW's, that was paradise. Oh and I'm not even going to say what they did to my legs to make them look like this: Or when my first book was published; my dad called it a "pathetic hobby that will get you nowhere in life". Yeah that really made me feel good. So good, in fact that I took my copy of the book, tore it into a million pieces and burned them all. The only people who are ever interested in me are people who feel sorry for me. I can't be with someone who feels sorry for me.
sportsloving Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 David Pelzer was the third worst case of child support in the history of California. He has written three books describing his life ... The child named It, The lost Boy, and a Man named Dave. Perhaps you could read them? They are great books, and not only do they tell about the abuse he lived through (barely at times) but also how he was able to overcome his struggles. I am sorry for what you have gone through in this life, but I do know for a fact that anything that has happened to you ... you can overcome. It will never "go away" but it can stop affecting every detail of your life, and you can live a happy life. Your future is what you make of it ... no one else can control that but you Have you ever seeked counseling? Have you talked to anyone? Don't let anyone, not your parents, potential dates, people from this forum, NO ONE make you feel as if your achievements are not great victories ... because for you, they are. And not everyone who is interested in you is because of pity or feeling sorry for you. Give folks a chance to see the real you. And as I said, you are an intelligent, good looking, funny, caring person. What's not to like about you? Don't dwell on the bad, show some "different" pictures ... and who knows, perhaps those free sites will find you the love of your life and then you can come back and tell CapitalD where he could sign up :)
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