Article by a multi-dater

[phineas]

Agreed. The Poof Phenomenon is common among men as well.

 

I'm sure it is.

It's amazing how someone you've spent time with just disapears.

It's even more amazing when they pop back up again & act like nothing ever happened. LOL!

 

I can assure you, if I fall off the face of the earth on someone they damn well know why.

[Pierre]

Agreed. The Poof Phenomenon is common among men as well.

 

That is because you date strangers and there was no chemistry before dating. When I ask someone on a date there is already chemistry. You may also be dating multi-daters. They are experts at doing the poof since they are juggling too many women.

[Jackson3491]

I used to multidate before I met my second wife and that wound up a 10 year disaster because once I figured out which one I wanted to keep they always figured out that they wanted someone else and the cycle continued. About like the song love stinks. When I took a break from dating and put all my effort into one woman it work like majic. Love Don't Stink. Multi Dating Does because there is no law that says the one you picked can't have a mind of their own and just poof on you.

[Jackson3491]

I just recently began dating again after a long marrige. Met a girl and really liked her A LOT so we began dating. When I found out she was a multi dater I told her that I couldn't date her because she was a multi dater and she just flipped out on me. I never told her I wanted her to stop dating other people as it is not my place to tell her how to live her life. I just told her that I wouldn't be able to see her because she dated around and she blew up at me. I still don't understand why she was so mad. I felt like I should be able to have some say in my own life. Maybe someone with a little insight might enlighten me a little.

[Pierre]

I just recently began dating again after a long marrige. Met a girl and really liked her A LOT so we began dating. When I found out she was a multi dater I told her that I couldn't date her because she was a multi dater and she just flipped out on me. I never told her I wanted her to stop dating other people as it is not my place to tell her how to live her life. I just told her that I wouldn't be able to see her because she dated around and she blew up at me. I still don't understand why she was so mad. I felt like I should be able to have some say in my own life. Maybe someone with a little insight might enlighten me a little.

 

I have no desire to date women that are seen other men. It makes no sense at all. You did the right thing.

[sid3]

I just recently began dating again after a long marrige. Met a girl and really liked her A LOT so we began dating. When I found out she was a multi dater I told her that I couldn't date her because she was a multi dater and she just flipped out on me. I never told her I wanted her to stop dating other people as it is not my place to tell her how to live her life. I just told her that I wouldn't be able to see her because she dated around and she blew up at me. I still don't understand why she was so mad. I felt like I should be able to have some say in my own life. Maybe someone with a little insight might enlighten me a little.

 

Good for you in sticking to your principals, I would have done the same thing.

[phineas]

That is because you date strangers and there was no chemistry before dating. When I ask someone on a date there is already chemistry. You may also be dating multi-daters. They are experts at doing the poof since they are juggling too many women.

 

Exactly where do I meet people to date that are not strangers?

Work is the only place for me.

 

I have my kids most of the week and I never see the same single mom's at the playground from week to week.

 

So if I am out & I meet someone I have two choices, ask for their number & go out with them or be foreveralone.

 

Same with OLD. You have to MEET the person in order to get to know them their going to be a stranger for weeks until you get to know them.

 

You are suggesting is simply unrealistic for the majority of the population because everyone is a stranger at one point in time & the only way to get to know them is to spend time with them one-on-one with clear romantic intentions.

 

Now, if you expect them to only spend time with you that is called exclusive dating.

[Pierre]

Exactly where do I meet people to date that are not strangers?

Work is the only place for me.

 

I have my kids most of the week and I never see the same single mom's at the playground from week to week.

 

So if I am out & I meet someone I have two choices, ask for their number & go out with them or be foreveralone.

 

Same with OLD. You have to MEET the person in order to get to know them their going to be a stranger for weeks until you get to know them.

 

You are suggesting is simply unrealistic for the majority of the population because everyone is a stranger at one point in time & the only way to get to know them is to spend time with them one-on-one with clear romantic intentions.

 

Now, if you expect them to only spend time with you that is called exclusive dating.

 

You meet women at work, at the grocery store, church, dog park, Home Depot, conferences, school, community pool, golf course, tennis courts, gym, local café, etc.

 

You need to meet them outside the dating system. For example, I see women in my gym I could date. I have seen then many times and we are familiar with each other. I know which ones are interested and which ones are not. There are also female trainers, staff, etc. At work there are countless of female employees that are available and I already know them, there is familiarity! Most of the time there is someone that is available. Sometimes, i get dates without trying because they want to hang out.

 

I would never do the OLD.

[phineas]

You meet women at work, at the grocery store, church, dog park, Home Depot, conferences, school, community pool, golf course, tennis courts, gym, local café, etc.

 

You need to meet them outside the dating system. For example, I see women in my gym I could date. I have seen then many times and we are familiar with each other. I know which ones are interested and which ones are not. There are also female trainers, staff, etc. At work there are countless of female employees that are available and I already know them, there is familiarity! Most of the time there is someone that is available. Sometimes, i get dates without trying because they want to hang out.

 

I would never do the OLD.

 

But, you really don't know them or much about who they really are.

Which is my point.

 

Familiar <> knowing someone.

 

It basically just means you have seen them around and chatted with them.

[Pierre]

But, you really don't know them or much about who they really are.

Which is my point.

 

Familiar <> knowing someone.

 

It basically just means you have seen them around and chatted with them.

 

You are correct. However; once you find someone you like you start to flirt and pay attention. If there is chemistry after a while she will start to fall for you even before there is a date.

[phineas]

You are correct. However; once you find someone you like you start to flirt and pay attention. If there is chemistry after a while she will start to fall for you even before there is a date.

 

That's how it's worked for me & maybe it's just bad luck on my part but every woman i've known before-hand (worked with, went to school with, hung-out as just friends) that became interested in me surprised me by being the most awful women i'd ever dated.

As soon as we made the jump to dating the games began. The insecurities came out & they felt the need to try & make me jealous, ect.

Oh and the cheating. WTF?!? It's like almost every woman I was friends first with wound up cheating on me.

 

I guess you could say my ex-wife (whom I worked with for almost yr before dating) was somewhat successful.

 

Right up until I caught her cheating & later found out she was cheating on me with random-ex's from the time I first started dating her. LOL!

 

I've had much better luck with women I met in bars, parties, ect & got a number from.

 

They were more straight up, didn't lead me on, play games, ect.

 

Maybe the problem is because I spent so much time with these women before-hand I thought I knew them.

[nofool4u]

I had no idea multi-dating was considered "American style dating."

 

The problem with multi-dating is, in the event you decide you want to be exclusive with one of the multi-dates, and they find out you have been multi-dating, they more than likely will feel like the person they are with is a player and the multi-dater just ruined their chances of being with that person.

 

It happened to me, but I was the one that dumped the multi-dater. She wanted to be exclusive with me, and we were working towards that, or should I say I was. All the while she was seeing other guys.

 

So I ended it, and she said it wasn't fair because we weren't exclusive yet. I told her she was right, but that if she wanted to be exclusive with me, she went about it the wrong way. And hence I was no longer interested in her.

[Forever Learning]

This issue of 'to multi-date or not to multi-date' is very thought provoking.

 

I think in general men are more territorial and get more bent out of shape more quickly with the concept of a little friendly competition on the dating scene, and thus don't like the concept.

 

But, if there hasn't been a talk of exclusivity (and there shouldn't be, prior to the first half dozen dates - since you really don't even know the person yet), then all is fair in my book.

[RedRobin]

The problem with multi-dating is, in the event you decide you want to be exclusive with one of the multi-dates, and they find out you have been multi-dating, they more than likely will feel like the person they are with is a player and the multi-dater just ruined their chances of being with that person.

 

It happened to me, but I was the one that dumped the multi-dater. She wanted to be exclusive with me, and we were working towards that, or should I say I was. All the while she was seeing other guys.

 

So I ended it, and she said it wasn't fair because we weren't exclusive yet. I told her she was right, but that if she wanted to be exclusive with me, she went about it the wrong way. And hence I was no longer interested in her.

 

I feel the same way.

 

I've dumped men AFTER the so-called exclusivity talk after which I found out all the lies they told during their 'multi-dating' phase.

 

I call it... giving them rope to hang themselves. I don't expect 'exclusivity' when a man first starts seeing me. I DO expect honesty.

 

If I unearth lies during any portion of that... out they go.

 

It is this reason that I somewhat recently decided not to knowingly date any multi-daters... or I dump them as soon as I find out they are.

 

I've never met an honest one yet.

[RedRobin]

I meant, in the past, I haven't expected a man to just be dating me.

 

I do now. If they are seeing other women, I won't date him. Multidaters are a dime a dozen.

[zengirl]

That's how it's worked for me & maybe it's just bad luck on my part but every woman i've known before-hand (worked with, went to school with, hung-out as just friends) that became interested in me surprised me by being the most awful women i'd ever dated.

As soon as we made the jump to dating the games began. The insecurities came out & they felt the need to try & make me jealous, ect.

Oh and the cheating. WTF?!? It's like almost every woman I was friends first with wound up cheating on me.

 

Interesting. Might say something about the female friends you tend to acquire?

 

I don't think knowing someone beforehand is the key to anything --- you never know when you really know someone, unless you REALLY know them, spend most of your time together, etc. Even then, who knows, right? Generally, I think the idea is that having similar social circles is enough to make people act at least somewhat honorable, though, since they don't want their friends to hate them for f-ing over their other friends or gossip about them or whatnot. Certainly there are times that can not work out.

 

Most men I successfully dated were also relative strangers when we met, fwiw, so I'm not a proponent necessarily of dating within your social circle. But I think your experiences are outside of the norm, from what I've heard from people I know who dated within their circles. However, I think it would depend on the circle -- if the women in your circle are generally not hanging out with the men in your circle, I would say that'd be a different story.

[RedRobin]

Alot of people seem to multidate because they think everyone else is doing it...

 

I've read here on LS many times where someone gets upset that someone they really liked was 'multidating'... and the advice is...

 

"You should multidate too".

 

Rarely do they get the advice:

a) tell him/her you don't believe in multidating and see what they think.

b) stop seeing them.

 

In most circumstances, it seems that b) is probably the logical choice since we can't MAKE anyone do anything and a) seems more like an ultimatum.

 

I've also learned that if people feel compelled to 'multidate' there really isn't any reason to discuss it much with them. Either you tolerate it or you leave.

 

Interestingly, the last three men who I dumped for being multidaters ALL contacted me again later on and wanted to date me 'exclusively'.

 

I wish I could retrieve those earlier feelings, but just can't. They blew it.

[FitChick]

It happened to me, but I was the one that dumped the multi-dater. She wanted to be exclusive with me, and we were working towards that, or should I say I was. All the while she was seeing other guys.

 

She decided you were so much better than those other guys that she chose you over them. Most men would be flattered. I would take that to mean she'd be less likely to cheat later since she knows what's out there. Someone who only dates you from day one might bail at the first sign of trouble thinking they could do better.

[RedRobin]

I'm not flattered when a multidater 'chooses' me. I'm sad that they had to multidate and I have to dump them. They have shown zero faith in me... they've illustrated they don't care about the time I've invested in them, and they want me to believe they are some kind of 'hot' commodity that has lots of 'dates'. Why? So that I can feel flattered? It is just the opposite.

 

Cheating has nothing to do with what is or is not 'out there'. Cheating has everything to do with one's value system and one's propensity to lie, fib, or fudge. The fact that so many people need to start out on a path to 'intimacy' built on a foundation of lies is a mystery to me. But people keep doing it because they are so terribly and awfully afraid to spend time with themselves or risk being 'alone' for any period of time.

 

So, I totally 'get' why nofool4u would dump her. Here he was... excited to see her. Developing feelings. Focusing on getting to know her. Maybe she is leaving the impression of having feelings too. Then he finds out she's seeing other guys. What a total buzzkill.

Edited April 13, 2012 by RedRobin

[nofool4u]

She decided you were so much better than those other guys that she chose you over them. Most men would be flattered. I would take that to mean she'd be less likely to cheat later since she knows what's out there. Someone who only dates you from day one might bail at the first sign of trouble thinking they could do better.

 

I'm not big into flattery. I hold honesty more sacred. By all accounts we were seeing each other alot.

 

I don't take it to mean she'd be less likely to cheat later at all. I take it to mean that we were seeing alot of each other, and if in the rare times she wasn't with me she had time to mess around with other guys, it just tells me she has an insatiable appetite for seeing different men. No thanks.

 

And I don't expect someone to only date me from day one, but if we are into weeks of dating and we are spending most of our time with each other, then she shouldn't want to be with anyone else.

 

Like I said, if she wanted something with me, dating several guys after all the weeks we had been seeing each other wasn't the way to go about it.

 

It told me she id fickle and really, not to be trusted. If she liked her multi-dating, IMO, she'd miss it if she did get into a committed relationship. And then I'd have to put up with these guys calling her, asking her to come over for that booty call, etc. Again, no thanks.

[nofool4u]

I'm not flattered when a multidater 'chooses' me. I'm sad that they had to multidate and I have to dump them. They have shown zero faith in me... they've illustrated they don't care about the time I've invested in them

 

Exactly!! well said.

[RedRobin]

If she liked her multi-dating, IMO, she'd miss it if she did get into a committed relationship.

 

This is how I feel too. People who like multidating seem to be a bit sketchy to me... always on the lookout for the BBD.

[nofool4u]

This is how I feel too. People who like multidating seem to be a bit sketchy to me... always on the lookout for the BBD.

 

I agree. That and what some person might see as flattering that they "picked me", I see it as an insult. As if I'm something to be sampled among many, and then they get to say, "I choose you". What, I don't have a say in this without knowing what she has been doing? I just happened to find out about it when another guy called her when with me.

[RedRobin]

I agree. That and what some person might see as flattering that they "picked me", I see it as an insult. As if I'm something to be sampled among many, and then they get to say, "I choose you". What, I don't have a say in this without knowing what she has been doing? I just happened to find out about it when another guy called her when with me.

 

Yea, they chose me like an old sweater off the Salvation Army rack... Hey, that's all that was available at the time... I'm soooo flattered!! (not!)

 

Although, I guess people like us are the 'outliers'.

 

We're supposed to be all cool and down with the times... Ooo! Everyone does it! what's wrong with you?!

[prune juice]

gals go for multidaters. they can talk the talk that they don't but they can't walk the walk