Author Star Gazer Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 Did I read that right? You were looking for a REASONED argument for WHY it isn't right? No, you didn't read it right. I was more thinking, "What on earth could have made this guy think his behavior was okay?"
ascendotum Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Get this! I asked, and turns out she slept in his bed! And he said as much MONTHS ago! She wasted a lot of time and energy on this guy, but a least now she's free! I'm curious SG, it didn't sound like your friend was lovestruck over this guy. Is she desperate for this guy who she considers a catch and is willing to overlook him possibly getting a bit with his ex or does not not have much relationship experience and is quite naive + trusting or is she just a bit dumb?
Author Star Gazer Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 I'm curious SG, it didn't sound like your friend was lovestruck over this guy. Is she desperate for this guy who she considers a catch and is willing to overlook him possibly getting a bit with his ex or does not not have much relationship experience and is quite naive + trusting or is she just a bit dumb? None of the above, really. They were friends before they started dating, and she just got used to him being around and spending all of her free time with him. I think she was more attached and used to him and comfortable than anything. She never even got emotional over him.
Taramere Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 No, you didn't read it right. I was more thinking, "What on earth could have made this guy think his behavior was okay?" I think you would have to gauge it against the person's lifestyle and general belief system. If the boyfriend is somebody who has spent a lot of time travelling, sharing mixed sleeping accommodation etc...or is just generally a bit of a hippyish outlier then it's going to be harder to challenge a sleeping arrangement like that because it might seem such a normal part of their particular lifestyle. Which is, of course, one of the reasons people like that are often a bad bet as partners. They don't have the usual boundaries, and can often be very adept at looking askance at others for not sharing/having difficulty accepting their different boundaries. I'm fairly open minded, I've had a couple of unusual types of boyfriends...and it can be difficut managing that balance between accepting that they're a bit unusual and not wanting to be completely gullible. I don't think I'd have a relationship with somebody like that again for exactly that reason. Interesting as somebody with unusual boundaries can be, ultimately it's too much hassle...you're expected to extend unusual levels of trust. And, of course, if and when that trust does end up getting breached you feel like a total ditz. People with more conventional boundaries are generally a better bet all round. It's perfectly possible that your friend's ex has this somewhat unusual but a-sexual relationship with his ex...but I agree that somebody who clogs the relationship up with this sort of relationship sabotaging nonsense (platonic or not) probably didn't value his relationship with your friend as much as she would hope. Or else, was unwilling to make any compromises regarding his own boundaries...which can come down to the same thing.
Radu Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 One of my running buddies shared a situation with me last weekend, and I'm curious whether LSers would have the same reaction I have. My friend and her boyfriend have been together for 6 months. He's in his 40s and she's in her 30s. He has an ex-GF who he was with for about a year, and who broke up with him about a year ago. They broke up because he doesn't want to get married again or have any more children. The ex-GF lives an hour away. My friend met this ex-GF when my friend went over to his house one Saturday morning to pick him up for a run, and found the ex-GF exiting his bedroom while brushing her teeth. The ex-GF had apparently driven an hour to see him and have a "sleep over." He says nothing happened, that they're just friends. My friend told him that she was not okay with him having "sleep overs" with his ex-GF. He agreed. He's since had two more of these sleepovers. The second one he did not tell her about until after it happened. The third one he told her about as the ex-GF was on her way to his house. When my friend said she didn't think it was appropriate, he said, "What am I supposed to do? She's already on her way over here." Is there any defense of his behavior? I think unquestionably not. Agree? Disagree? WTH, are you sure he is not 12 ? He either is a weak fool who can't say no (yet he said no and made a stand against marriage), or most likely ... he is screwing the ex on the side.
Leigh 87 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Get this! I asked, and turns out she slept in his bed! And he said as much MONTHS ago! Good news: She dumped him this past weekend, but oddly enough her grounds were other things, specifically that he never wants to get married again or have any more children, and she does. She's known about this too for months. She wasted a lot of time and energy on this guy, but a least now she's free! ..........his ex slept in his BED with him? Wow. Why do intelligent, worthy women, put up with guys that don't respect them or even like them that much!
Leigh 87 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 .. for what it is worth, I adored my boyfriend, but lacked moral boundaries at first, and slept in the same bed as a guy friend, who fancied me. Of course,I had absolutely no ill intent, though. The guy, however, kept touching my butt. Of course, I moved away. So. Maybe he is just really, really stupid, or as the above poster suggested, a bit hippy ish lol, and is a bit of a communal sleeper? hahaha.. !
phineas Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 ..........his ex slept in his BED with him? Wow. Why do intelligent, worthy women, put up with guys that don't respect them or even like them that much! I think that's obvious. She isn't all that intelligent or worthy or she doesn't think she is & thinks she can't do any better.
Leigh 87 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I think that's obvious. She isn't all that intelligent or worthy or she doesn't think she is & thinks she can't do any better. That is the thing; a lot of women hold degrees, are academically intelligent, are sociable enough and have enough emotional and social intelligence to form propper friendships...... .... they are not ugly or anything, and yet they put up with that cr@p? I would imagine that not ALl women who deal with jerks like that guy, are stupid and unnattractive.
Taramere Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 That is the thing; a lot of women hold degrees, are academically intelligent, are sociable enough and have enough emotional and social intelligence to form propper friendships...... .... they are not ugly or anything, and yet they put up with that cr@p? I would imagine that not ALl women who deal with jerks like that guy, are stupid and unnattractive. I think a lot relates to temperament. Some people are very much by-the-rules types who find it very easy to dismiss other people as jerks/worthless/stupid etc. I don't know that having that approach is necessarily a sign of superior intelligence so much as it's just part and parcel of a particular personality type which tends to see things in black and white "jerk versus nice guy etc." If one was to sit down and count out all the different ways in which a person can be a jerk, it might transpire that a guy sharing a bed with his ex girlfriend from time to time comes quite far down the list of "terrible things a person can do." I mean that in the wider scheme of what makes a person a "good" or "bad" person, rather than just in terms of what makes an individual a good bet as a partner.
findingnemo Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 One of my running buddies shared a situation with me last weekend, and I'm curious whether LSers would have the same reaction I have. My friend and her boyfriend have been together for 6 months. He's in his 40s and she's in her 30s. He has an ex-GF who he was with for about a year, and who broke up with him about a year ago. They broke up because he doesn't want to get married again or have any more children. The ex-GF lives an hour away. My friend met this ex-GF when my friend went over to his house one Saturday morning to pick him up for a run, and found the ex-GF exiting his bedroom while brushing her teeth. The ex-GF had apparently driven an hour to see him and have a "sleep over." He says nothing happened, that they're just friends. My friend told him that she was not okay with him having "sleep overs" with his ex-GF. He agreed. He's since had two more of these sleepovers. The second one he did not tell her about until after it happened. The third one he told her about as the ex-GF was on her way to his house. When my friend said she didn't think it was appropriate, he said, "What am I supposed to do? She's already on her way over here." Is there any defense of his behavior? I think unquestionably not. Agree? Disagree? Your friend needs to trust her gut. Her bf is probably sleeping with the ex-gf. If not, it's still inappropriate behaviour which if she is not careful will go on throughout the R. If there ever was a red flag... This is one.
wwwjd Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 She never even got emotional over him. wait what??? They are BF/GF for 6 months and she never "got emotional" over him??? Did I miss the memo where we all got replaced with non-feeling robots in some global apocolypse again? What kind of "relationships" are going on out there? How is it even a "Relationship"??? Just sex? WTH?
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 2 problems. First of all, no ex-gf should sleep over with your boyfriend. Secondly, if you tell bf that you don't want the gf to sleep over (that is if you have not broken up with the jerk to start with) and he agrees, then it is not done that there are still sleepovers of the ex-gf. Dump that guy.
Radu Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 That is the thing; a lot of women hold degrees, are academically intelligent, are sociable enough and have enough emotional and social intelligence to form propper friendships...... .... they are not ugly or anything, and yet they put up with that cr@p? I would imagine that not ALl women who deal with jerks like that guy, are stupid and unnattractive. A lot of men hold degrees, lead Fortune 500 companies, and lead countries, are sociable enough to make friendships. ... they are not ugly, but they still put up with a lot of crap ? I would imagine that not ALL men deal with jerks like these women, are stupid and unnattractive. ---- You know why ? Because it's hard to let go of the perfect image you project on your partner.
Leigh 87 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 yes, but; with me, although I am no stunner or braniac rocket scientest.... the second a guy treated me badly, I would just dismiss them. Unless I had very strong feelings and they swore they would change, and sounded open to change. Surely, women more attractive and intelligent than me should KNOW they have enough going for themselves, that allows them enough options in men; why would they WANT to put up with a jerk? My own boyfriend made an ignorant comment once or twice to me, most women with respect would dump, but I was falling in love and we were both deaply invested already, and he swore he was a very open person to change. So, I gave him once last chance, and he did indeed change his tune, totally. With this post, the girl does not sound like she was that in love with the guy, from Star Gazers comments
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