Star Gazer Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 One of my running buddies shared a situation with me last weekend, and I'm curious whether LSers would have the same reaction I have. My friend and her boyfriend have been together for 6 months. He's in his 40s and she's in her 30s. He has an ex-GF who he was with for about a year, and who broke up with him about a year ago. They broke up because he doesn't want to get married again or have any more children. The ex-GF lives an hour away. My friend met this ex-GF when my friend went over to his house one Saturday morning to pick him up for a run, and found the ex-GF exiting his bedroom while brushing her teeth. The ex-GF had apparently driven an hour to see him and have a "sleep over." He says nothing happened, that they're just friends. My friend told him that she was not okay with him having "sleep overs" with his ex-GF. He agreed. He's since had two more of these sleepovers. The second one he did not tell her about until after it happened. The third one he told her about as the ex-GF was on her way to his house. When my friend said she didn't think it was appropriate, he said, "What am I supposed to do? She's already on her way over here." Is there any defense of his behavior? I think unquestionably not. Agree? Disagree?
eleanorhurting Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 What? This guy needs to be kicked to the curb 3
oaks Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 My friend told him that she was not okay with him having "sleep overs" with his ex-GF. He agreed. Whether such a sleepover is right or wrong, it definitely stopped being okay when the bit that I bolded happened. The subsequent events aren't about sleepovers, but about doing something he agreed wasn't something that should be happening. He needs to manage this with his ex, perhaps by telling her "after discussion with my gf, sleepovers are no longer acceptable". That's assuming your friend hasn't dumped him already. 1
Anela Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Trying this again... (I received a message that my last post couldn't be posted until a mod had reviewed it.) Is there any defense of his behavior? I think unquestionably not. Agree? Disagree? I agree with you.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 What? This guy needs to be kicked to the curb That was my exact reaction. We were trail runinnung and I stopped dead in my tracks and said, "Whaaaat? Oh, hell no!!"
Feelsgoodman Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 You friend must be the most gullible person in the world...
CarrieT Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 He says nothing happened, that they're just friends. Of course this is true.... And I've got swampland in Florida for sale. :rolleyes: 5
Author Star Gazer Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 And this isn't the only "issue" in their relationship!
veggirl Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 And this isn't the only "issue" in their relationship! That's a given! Anyone who would put up with THIS has gotta be putting up with lots more. Wow!! Your poor friend, what is wrong with her I'd have dumped him the first time. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Did she ask him whether the ex slept on his bed or on his couch?
Author Star Gazer Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 Did she ask him whether the ex slept on his bed or on his couch? Good question. I don't know. I just stopped at the whole meeting-her-as-she-was-coming-out-of-his-bedroom thing. He has a house with several bedrooms so I'm assuming there was another bathroom to use to brush her teeth and would have used a different bathroom if she'd slept somewhere other than his bed. But I'm curious. I'll ask her tonight for an update.
phineas Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 You friend must be the most gullible person in the world... THIS! If a woman did this to me she'd be demoted to F-buddy & i'd start looking for a new GF.
missyme04 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 NOT ACCEPTABLE AT ALL! what's the reason why the EX-gf is still going to have a sleep over at the first place? more than once is already a big deal. tsk3!
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Did she ask him whether the ex slept on his bed or on his couch? It's fine to ask questions I guess, out of curiosity, maybe he'll foul up and slip out the truth....which men will divulge If pressed hard enough . But his actions dictate they still have more than just a platonic relationship, or it wouldn't require all the sneaking behind the back or speaking matter of fact like as If It wouldn't or shouldn't be an issue because they're just "friends" anyone ridiculous enough to believe that kind of deserves what's coming towards them...I mean do you really expect this guy to come out an "incriminate" himself? From a mans perspective I would say he doesn't have a leg to stand on whatsoever....so they broke because marriage wasn't on the table? what about all those "feelings" that keep women (on both ends in this case) in the situation? Since she didn't hit the dirt running after she found out about this...now it just drops the respect level he has for her (although he won't say) and knows she's foolish enough to stick around and believe/tolerate such a story, so I doubt he'll stop his actions...I mean there's no reason to...she's "not ok with it"? ooo that sounds very demanding! that's sure to hit home right? no surprise he's continued to do it. His actions have shown that he doesn't really take his relationship with her serious enough to cut off other women...including his ex. But at this time I'm sure he realizes she'll deal with it anyway...of course she's probably going to do the ole "you better stop having her come over, or I'm leaving!" threat, but that's just a test for the guy..and if she threatens to leave "oh baby please don't go, I'll change" until some undetermined event in the future where she catches hims "making another mistake" and he'll shoot out the excuses of how it was just an "accident"....this is all too typical and common with men, the only appropriate gesture is to leave...but her "feelings" for him will likely string her along, wasting her time...hopefully not too many of those precious baby-bearing years or whatever she's looking for...this guy isn't serious about her.
sid3 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Unacceptable. He should have been dumped already. My guess is he's doing his ex, afterall she obviously came on to him, what was he suppose to do. 1
RedRobin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I'm good friends with one of my exes. When neither of us are dating anyone, he has occasionally slept over if he was coming very late to pick up his critters or if I were returning very late (I pet sit for him when he travels and vice versa). If either of us are dating someone, then there is no sleep over unless the GF or my BF is there. In neither case have we slept with each other since before we broke up. It was just a convenient place to crash. He sleeps in the guest bedroom or on the couch. Just like a female friend would.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Once is questionable enough. More than once is crazy. I don't have a word for more than twice or three or four times. I was thinking about an excuse for once and none work--maybe she was too drunk to drive home. But what the hell is she doing there alone with him getting hammered? I couldn't work with this at all if the roles were reversed. Not even once--your ex boyfriend doesn't sleep over and I just act like you watched "It's a wonderful life" had a cry and then said good night before departing to the bedroom and couch. Maybe the both took Ambien and slept-walked coitus but have no recall. And maybe polar bears will pass up free seal meat.
daphne Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Nah. Unacceptable. I agree with Ninja. He doesn't take your friend seriously, or he would have stuck go his agreement. He's a nexter.
january2011 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 My friend told him that she was not okay with him having "sleep overs" with his ex-GF. He agreed. He's since had two more of these sleepovers. He went against your friend's wishes. Multiple times. After she spoke to him directly and clearly about what those wishes were. he said, "What am I supposed to do? She's already on her way over here." Boundaries. He doesn't have them. Especially where his ex-girlfriend is concerned. I think he should be nexted.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 Did she ask him whether the ex slept on his bed or on his couch? Get this! I asked, and turns out she slept in his bed! And he said as much MONTHS ago! Good news: She dumped him this past weekend, but oddly enough her grounds were other things, specifically that he never wants to get married again or have any more children, and she does. She's known about this too for months. She wasted a lot of time and energy on this guy, but a least now she's free! 1
wwwjd Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Thank god! That is TOTALLY unacceptable. If I ran across that situation, my hand waving bye would be the last they'd ever see of me, on the spot, immediately. Question: why did she even ask you about this? Why can't she see how wrong it was? Or were you just posing the question to level-check in the forum
Professor X Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 So what's the purpose of this thread? Surely you knew 99% of the people here would say it's not acceptable. You planning on showing this to her ? 1
Author Star Gazer Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 So what's the purpose of this thread? Surely you knew 99% of the people here would say it's not acceptable. I actually wasn't quite sure. I wanted to see if there was anyone who would have some reasoned argument for why it wasn't acceptable. There wasn't.
wwwjd Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I actually wasn't quite sure. I wanted to see if there was anyone who would have some reasoned argument for why it wasn't acceptable. There wasn't. Did I read that right? You were looking for a REASONED argument for WHY it isn't right? hmmmm ok. If there is no line, then there really is no right and wrong and they can do what they want. Would you want your husband to sleep, with another woman, alone, in bed together? If not, why not? There is your answer. TO ME, I would never get in that situation because it too close to the fire. Ever heard of people having "affiars"? Yeah, me neither, but SUPPOSEDLY it happens. But I sure don't know why. Yes, that was sarcasm. I'm not sure we can put it any more clearly: - too easy for him to lie and boink the whole neighborhood that way - no real reason for him to NOT boink an ex girlfriend in bed with him - apparently he doesn't respect relationships or her interest in him - unless they are all swingers etc and then none of this applies - don't forget disease potential - sex makes a connection between people and GENERALLY (except in Utah) people like certain things to be exclusive like hugging over night, spooning, his **** in her ******, It's a shared intimacy thing tween a couple that when shared with another looses its intimacy. Kinda weird we gotta spell it out so graphically to explain WHY it is not right. Ever see those headlines: man kills wife, lover, and self Wonder why that happens? There ya go. out of love and respect, decency, integrity and morality, it is WRONG.
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