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How important is having a closure talk? Need your insight, …

rosadeldesierto

By rosadeldesierto
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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stitch702 Established Member

stitch702

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No amount of talk will ever give you closure. You eventually find closure on your own when you finally decide to accept things the way they are and let it go. It'll hurt, but it won't kill you. The most important thing to do in the mean time is to focus on yourself and keep yourself busy. Time will eventually heal you and you will move on.

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rosadeldesierto Member

rosadeldesierto

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What I'd like to impress on you is you made a choice and this sort-of relationship, with lots of words but no physical suited your needs at the time.

 

Sigh... Completely true, I guess... It suited to me. Now I think that he knew it and I feel used. Some friends say he told me all the right words that I needed to hear. Sometimes I think he got exactly the same from me. He was hurt because his divorce then looked for something kind of safe.

 

There is no league of pain, and certainly no league for how much pain you feel when sad events happen. There are myriad things that affect how intense a feeling feels at any time: the event that triggers that feeling is not all that contributes how intense it feel right now. You are not a bad person for hurting because of your most recent loss.

 

 

Thanks for your understanding. It enlighted me tons. I even think that my heart was left so vulnerable.

 

 

You feel guilt regards your earlier love and now you feel unsure about what you "should" feel about your recent loss.

 

Absolutely true again. I have to admit.

 

Reconnect with yourself, accept yourself and in time you will feel better.

 

That's the part which bothers me tons. I feel I cannot find myself. But at the end of the day I know that I don't want to reconnect with the lonely woman I've always been. Some people here they say: I'd just wish to be the one I was before... They are lucky. At least they have something to look for. I have nothing. I hate how love it always has been my reason to live, the only power in my life to enjoy it. Friends argue with me and they are alright when they say that I don't need a man to be happy. I just know without love or hope, I feel dead inside.:lmao: It might sound kind of contradictory, but I've even thought that emotional obsessive people like me, so in love with the idea to be in love, we are not made to be in love after all. That tendency to magnify is hell.:(

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rosadeldesierto Member

rosadeldesierto

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No amount of talk will ever give you closure. You eventually find closure on your own when you finally decide to accept things the way they are and let it go. It'll hurt, but it won't kill you. The most important thing to do in the mean time is to focus on yourself and keep yourself busy. Time will eventually heal you and you will move on.

 

Yeah... I guess posting here is helping me tons to start accepting that he doesn't love me anymore or maybe he never did:lmao:.

betterdeal Established Member

betterdeal

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Sigh... Completely true, I guess... It suited to me. Now I think that he knew it and I feel used. Some friends say he told me all the right words that I needed to hear. Sometimes I think he got exactly the same from me. He was hurt because his divorce then looked for something kind of safe.

 

Sounds to me like you take rejection quite personally. But, if you think about it, how likely is it he would have spent so much time talking to you if he didn't like you? I'm sure he did like you, like you liked him. Just that sometimes we outgrow some relationships. Think of friendships when you were a child that fizzled out as you grew up, went to a new school, or moved town. Sometimes we meet people in life, share some great experiences with them, and our paths just have to go in different directions. Maybe he needed solitude or a face to face relationship; maybe you did too, but this was not the one to base it on. Don't be sad it's over; happy it happened :)

 

Thanks for your understanding. It enlighted me tons. I even think that my heart was left so vulnerable.

 

You're welcome :) What would you like to do in the next six months? Learn to dance? Learn to do handstands? Make love with someone? Go to the equator? See Victoria Falls?

 

That's the part which bothers me tons. I feel I cannot find myself. But at the end of the day I know that I don't want to reconnect with the lonely woman I've always been. Some people here they say: I'd just wish to be the one I was before... They are lucky. At least they have something to look for. I have nothing. I hate how love it always has been my reason to live, the only power in my life to enjoy it. Friends argue with me and they are alright when they say that I don't need a man to be happy. I just know without love or hope, I feel dead inside.:lmao: It might sound kind of contradictory, but I've even thought that emotional obsessive people like me, so in love with the idea to be in love, we are not made to be in love after all. That tendency to magnify is hell.

 

I think that your low opinion of yourself is holding you back, and it's what makes you try to cling to feelings, be they love or sadness or whatever. I don't agree with you that people who want to be who they were are lucky; I want to be who I am, and to improve on what I was. There's a lot of fatalism in the way you write, be that the way you thought your relationship with this guy was down to your friend cajoling you, or the way you say you are not made to be in love at all. That makes me sad to hear that, because you clearly are a very loving person, and you can be in command of your own destiny. I know what it's like to be so scared of life that owning my own destiny seemed so terrifying. But we all do own our own destiny. You have been doing the best, the very best, you can with what resources you have and what you have learnt in life.

 

Now you can, if you wish, see life like that and start loving yourself a bit more. And just as there are downward spirals, there are upwards ones too. There will be bumps and wet road, but this is your journey. Look at where you are now compared to a week or so ago when you started this thread - that's all your own work, your decision, your choice - you've made this happen. In the grand scheme of your life, of loving you and those around you, where does a closure talk fit in? I don't think it matters much at all. There's far too much fun and love and laughter and tears and life to be had right now, right here, right in front of you, to be worrying about stuff like that.

 

You'll be okay :)

lizardking8610 Member

lizardking8610

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Is closure important?

 

It depends if your ex is a logical, good intentioned individual capable of critical, objective thinking and honesty.

 

If not I wouldn't expect much.

Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

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I'm not a big proponent of closure talks because, like others have said, I also believe that closure comes from yourself and your own process of healing and moving forward again. The closure talk is just looking backwards.

 

Even more, though I agree that the only possible way a closure talk could be the least bit positive would be if each person approaches it with and open mind and heart and respect above all.

 

The problem is, you are imagining the benefit of the closure talk to be your ability to essentially unload your bad feelings onto him:

 

I understand... I guess that I am just wondering if letting him know about my feelings it could help for me to move on:confused:

 

I guess one of the reasons I've been obssesing about the closure talk is that I want him to know that I hate he wasted my time....

 

Sigh... I would love to pour all my crappy feelings into him...

Now I'm not criticizing you for feeling this way - you've got these bad feelings and he's the natural target - I completely understand that.

 

I'm just proposing that your need to pour them out onto him would likely put him in a defensive position, and depending on his personality, he might be likely to even 'strike back'. I just don't see much hope for an open, respectful closure talk here - rather, you might well come out of it with even MORE unresolved resentment and feeling that still aren't "closed."

 

And I think that's the whole problem with the idea of "getting closure" from your ex. I see the chance that it will be a kind, open, helpful, supportive exchange as being pretty low, and that there's much more likelihood that you will just end up rehashing your last (or your next) disagreement, falling back into old, negative dynamics, and ending up thinking "What the heck just happened, now I feel even worse..."

 

I would suggest you put that energy into moving forward, not struggling against the current to stay turned around looking backward.

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rosadeldesierto Member

rosadeldesierto

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The problem is, you are imagining the benefit of the closure talk to be your ability to essentially unload your bad feelings onto him:

 

So damn true, with all respect...

 

I just don't see much hope for an open, respectful closure talk here - rather, you might well come out of it with even MORE unresolved resentment and feeling that still aren't "closed."

 

The first part it is true also because I am still stuck in the anger phase which drives me crazy:(. I go around in circles about 4 stages. First, I feel that I hate him because he used me someway and he wasted my time... Second, I don't recognize myself about having those awful feelings so I feel miserable. I'm not that kind of person... Third, I want a revange somehow (very stupid and naive from me).. Fourth, I am completely conscious it is pointless and irrational hating him because he doesn't love me anymore or he's not in love with the idea of loving me or whatever it was. So I get more angry because my anger has no way to let it out:lmao:

 

 

And I think that's the whole problem with the idea of "getting closure" from your ex. I see the chance that it will be a kind, open, helpful, supportive exchange as being pretty low, and that there's much more likelihood that you will just end up rehashing your last (or your next) disagreement, falling back into old, negative dynamics, and ending up thinking "What the heck just happened, now I feel even worse..."

 

I would suggest you put that energy into moving forward, not struggling against the current to stay turned around looking backward.

 

Thanks for your advice... I am trying hard

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