I'll be there for you always, he said...

[rosadeldesierto]

LDR of 3 years is over. 1 year engaged. He broke me up. 4 months of NC.

 

I’ve been lurking here almost since breakup but was not able to post because my energy levels were extremely low due to depression. I can relate tons with many stories and be touched as you have no idea.

 

I guess that I reached the point about grief that I’m just going around in circles struggling with the same thoughts, questions and emotions that are driving me crazy. I also posted on the breaking up section with some changes asking for advice but wanted to do here also because I need your insight guys. Details might not be relevant for the people who haven’t experienced a LDR… Thanks in advance for your time reading this.

 

Ex bf and I we met online on September 2008. We live in different countries. For Christmas that year, I visited his country to meet in person. I was not allowed to enter because I didn’t convince the immigration officer about the purpose of my visit… I got emotionally traumatized and ex bf as well. He visited my country for Easter 2009 though. I cannot describe the first moment when I saw him! It was love at first sight in the real world… We spent 3 wonderful weeks together. For the summer 2009 because we got advice from this government’s office, finally I was able to enter his country. I spent one month there, met his friends and those were ones of the most incredible days I ever had in my entire life.

 

Unfortunately, one week after that I arrived, the government of that country started asking for a visitor visa to people from my country…. The nightmare started at least for me… Our plans were that I would try to visit him for Christmas again. Because I am teacher, so I have 2 months off a year for holidays. I applied for a visa and got rejected because now this immigration officer was not convinced about the purpose of my visit…. Again I was in despair … Ex bf planned to visit me for Easter 2010. He was waiting for some money from taxes refunds but instead of that he and all coworkers had to pay… The accountant of the company made a mistake… Geeeeee…. I offered him to buy his plane ticket (he helped me twice with some money for buying mine) but he didn’t accept. He said he was a gentleman and didn’t want to take advantage from me especially knowing how hard I work to make my savings… I got disappointed and sad but he didn’t change his mind at all. Instead he spent Easter with his dad who had recently lost his 10 years gf of cancer. Ex bf drove him 2 weeks for at least 3 hours a day. He was burnt out. When we got back online I noticed he was not affectionate but cold. I was under extreme pressure at work besides dreading all the time about him to dump me… I couldn’t handle anymore about the LDR issues so decided to break up. We both cried. I was very honest then told him that I was so in love with him but couldn’t stand not knowing when I was going to see him again if ever… I confessed him that I was feeling so miserable instead of happy about our relationship. However I lied because told him that I wanted to be friends…HUGE MISTAKE: I didn’t mean that at all… I started NC right away but he emailed me every each 2 weeks to see how I was doing. He was insisting if he could help someway… How could he??? That time I seriously tried to move on… I realized that I didn’t miss going online at all… It was draining…. And I was a bit nasty pretending myself to be doing fine… However, I used to lurk him online but invisible status… Then it happened… Yes, it works for dumpers sometimes about jealousy… I got the news he made friends to a woman. I went CRAZY… I wrote that email and poured my heart. This time I told him that I was thinking that he was going to break me up because was very cold to me after the trip he took with his dad. I didn’t say anything before because didn’t like to be pushy regarding feelings. I find this very irrational and didn’t want to force things. I guess love must be spontaneous. On the other hand, I thought that I didn’t make enough for things to work out (reapplying for the visa). Maybe I’m wrong and it was just lack of communication that time. Well… We had a conversation then he said: never ever it was my intention to break up with you… I must be stressing out but I really was going to visit you for Christmas then to propose… You can imagine how I felt. I literally begged him to do that…

 

Here I have to talk about money issues…. He bought a house but was not finish about paying for his car… He got divorced. When I met him he and the ex were getting divorced. The ex was in rush because wanted to get married again… She’s already married… This time he accepted my help so he could afford the plane ticket. He came as promised and proposed. He spent Christmas with me and my family. Everybody adored him! It was one of the most incredible Christmas time for me…

 

But… We were not able to set a date for the wedding yet… As I mentioned before, money was a problem but he told me it was for sure as soon as he would be finished about paying the car then things will go much better. I told him it was ok for me to wait one or even 2 more years for him to be done… I was amazingly patient this time. He was my soulmate. At this point our plans were that I would visit him for the summer so I reapplied for a visitor visa… Got rejected again for the same reasons… I felt like dying… I did my own research about it and it happens that it is almost impossible for bfs/gfs or even husbands and wives from those countries where a visa is required to get one unless you are a millionaire. Ex bf asked for advice from a government office again and they suggested about the sponsorship procedure. It was BIG DEAL too.. No guarantee except you are bringing with you tons of money for investment in that country. We had no options but wait because it was not a good idea applying for a sponsorship while he was struggling with money. On the top of this, if we were approved for that then I wouldn’t be allowed to work in that country for 3 years and he should be able to afford all my expenses… OMG… Have to mention here that I got a red flag… Ex bf wanted to be sure some way we could make it about the sponsorship thing or much better not to go further… I was in despair and said that I was ok if we got married and living in separate countries. He said that was not fair for me…

 

It happened last year ex bf lost some friends and people very close to him. Because he was caregiving a friend who died of cancer then he got very depressed. I noticed a pattern here then… He was around people in grief again and this time himself… He was physically burnt out… Stressing out tons… He started being distant, cold, not affectionate again. I was stressing tons at work… Then I screwed up... At this point I am not even sure about it was my fault or that was going to happen sooner or later as I always was dreading about.

 

4 months ago as every Sunday we were going to meet online. He didn’t show up. He told me that he was doing some fixing at work but he usually texted me to tell that he was going to be late but not this time. One hour later I got this text that he was on his way home then he showed up. I was kind of upset but didn’t say a word. When we say bye, I told him that I would email him next day “as usual”… Well… I didn’t… Tuesday was the same. I had a long day at work (14 hours) so I decided not to send any email at all… On Wednesday it happened the internet connection at home was down… I checked my email at work then found this email from him saying it seemed we both were very busy but he would be online that night… Because I was still mad at him then I came up with a stupid white lie… I texted him then said the internet connection was not working at home even it already was by the afternoon that day. I told him that I would check that with the ISP until the weekend because sure it will take ages on the phone and I was very busy because work. Next day he texted me to see if I could go online. I replied the same… Until the weekend will let you know… On Friday, I got his email breaking me up…. He said that he was not doing ok lately. That he found that I was not his priority number one and I didn’t deserve that. He said that he lied to “us” because after first breakup he felt he lost connection and even he tried hard to get that feeling back, he couldn’t. He got so heartbroken then that his heart was not whole… He couldn’t go further… However, in the future, if I kindly could forgive him then he would love to play games online again, to be in touch to support each other about the family or personal issues… That he said –which is true since we met, that he wanted me in is life forever. He said I’ll be there for you always…

 

I got in shock and just texted to thank him for everything then got stick to the stupid lie and said that as soon as the internet connection was working then I will reply…I lied again…I’ve been so devastated that had no courage to email him. I haven’t got any news from him either. Nothing… This time I haven’t lurked for him online at all… I got home exhausted and honestly I am not interested about seeing him then get more hurt. I’ve been coping with denial also. I wrote some emails that of course I haven’t sent. Just for venting myself.

 

But what do you think about his reasons? I find those very cheesy… I have no courage yet to have a closure talk because I’m still so mad that I don’t want to end up insulting him. I am not that kind of person but believe me that I am struggling to accept such a waste of time and bull***…

 

In fact, we were just able to be physically together for 9 weeks in 3 years.… Of course we spent hours and hours online. I don’t know if that counts. Some friends say that I didn’t know him at all, that I was living something unreal… I agree maybe we were 2 strangers but it doesn’t ease my pain… Was this just a platonic love or infatuation?

 

It was really my fault about using that stupid white lie or he just got his chance to quit about commitment?

 

I don’t want to be friends because I found this very selfish from him… He knows that I am madly in love with him … How could I get just bread crumbles of affection and one day knowing he’s a new girlfriend?... I just hate he thinks that I am so immature because I cannot be friends with him… I hate he’s playing mind games when he is mixing forgiveness and being friends…

 

Would you say that we were one more couple who didn’t make it about the LDR challenge after all? We were victims of a lack of communication or let’s say defective one? Sometimes I think we just worn out our relationship. Our situation was really tough talking about money and immigration stuff… Do you think it was the real problem?

 

Do you think it would be healthy for me to have a closure talk that I avoided then tell him the truth about the stupid white lie so I can move on?

 

Thanks for your patience and time… Forgot to tell you we are in our middle forties and yes, so embarrassing immature…

Edited April 4, 2012 by rosadeldesierto
it is not plain text format...

[TMichaels]

I think you need to forgive yourself and not look to him to "give you closure."

 

Because quite frankly, I think the only reason (whether you want to admit it to yourself or not) that you want to have that "final conversation" with your ex- is not to clear the air, but because you're holding out hope that that convo will lead to the resumption of your relationship.

 

Not a good move.

 

One other piece of advice: I know very few people who are able to "be friends" with someone they were romantically involved with in the past.

 

Some people can do it; some people can't -- but in my experience, most aren't capable and it has nothing to do with "their maturity level."

 

So quit buying into that b.s., lick your wounds, chalk it up to experience, pick yourself up by the panties, get some self-respect, and move on.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[rosadeldesierto]

Thanks for your reply, TMichaels

 

Geeeee... You got me, really. I have to admit very deep inside that was the reason. But I am chicken to go for more pain. Honestly I have no courage to see him again. I just want to find a way to get out of my hell.

[Philosoraptor]

Thanks for your reply, TMichaels

 

Geeeee... You got me, really. I have to admit very deep inside that was the reason. But I am chicken to go for more pain. Honestly I have no courage to see him again. I just want to find a way to get out of my hell.

That's a path you will find the more you take your focus off of him and place it onto yourself.

[rosadeldesierto]

Thanks, Philosoraptor

 

It is true what you said... Sometimes I think what I dread the most it is loneliness and after all that's my hell. Depression and loneliness are a bad equation. At the same time I have to admit that I was living in the virtual world because I would rather that than facing how lonely I've been...

[Luckyblue]

Hi , I feel like my 4 yr LDR that just ended is equally a waste of so much time, how I stopped projects and goals to talk with my guy for 4,5 hrs a night and sometimes 3 hrs in the morning...

Stopped working on a big project for my family and also music lessons...

 

I read about passive agressive behavior and it really helped get me over the sadness today

[rosadeldesierto]

Hi Luckyblue,

 

I've been reading your story and I am so sorry for all what you've been through. LDRs can be so draining. After 5 months of strict NC I am still dealing with grief. Depression is hitting hard and that's my concern. I need some professional help.

 

I miss this guy in my life but I don't miss going online at all. I guess we all were looking for some sort of being safe by means of a virtual relationship.

 

By the way I'm reading now about passive agressive behavior topic and it is very interesting. I found answers and that's awesome!!!

 

Thanks:)