How to be civil without saying "I don't want anything to do with you anymore"?

[CleanTheSlate]

For various reasons, I want to be rid of my group of "friends." In particularly, friends A, B, and C. We're all seniors in the same major, and about to graduate in a little over a month. This is super long, but bear with me.

 

Friend A I met my sophomore year and didn't have any friends within our major. He's a pretty outgoing guy, but struggled a lot with school and issues with his ex-girlfriend. Trying to be a good buddy, I helped him out whenever he needed it and we hung out a good bit either working on assignments or hitting up parties. He met a lot of his current friends through me.

 

Friend B I also met my sophomore year. She's pretty timid and whenever I met her, she was a bit on the dorky side (not saying that's bad, she admits it herself) and risk adverse. However, she was very kind hearted and considerate and a pleasure to talk to. We didn't really hang out much, but we texted often. Our junior year we began to talk pretty much daily about everything, both personal and impersonal and we'd hang out on occasion as well.

 

Friend C I met my junior year because we had all the same classes. He's very vocal and upfront and a rather serious drinker. We had a good number of inside jokes and I found him to be dependable.

 

On the surface, this is great, right?

 

Friend A, while enjoyable to hang out with when he's not being depressed, I feel like is two-faced. My junior year, I began to feel like he'd only talk to me if he needed something; whenever we had a big assignment or project due, he'd contact me. He complained about his own life pretty often, but didn't seem to care much if I started talking about my own life (he'd initially seem interested, but you could tell his attention was elsewhere). Whenever I hang out with him, he usually tells stories (that he often exaggerates) to others about highly embarassing things that I'm not proud of. Throughout the course of the year, I grew to lose respect for him. The problem is, a lot of his friends he met through me (namely, friends B and C). Over the course of time, they grew impenetrable and do absolutely everything together. Friend B has completely transformed into a different person; she was once timid and held high moral standards, and from hanging with friends A, C, and other company, she now pretends to be this big partier. She also comes off as super hypocritical; she'll share an opinion with me, and then a couple weeks later, she'll do a complete 180 and tell me I was in the wrong, whereas I continue to stand my ground.

 

The worst thing is, I was going through a really rough patch early my senior year (father's surgery, personal health problems, high level of stress because of workload and other responsibilities), and friends A/B/C weren't there for me. I confided in B that I felt like I was getting distanced from the group and she acted sympathetic, but nothing changed. They (A/B/C as well as other mutual friends) all constantly hung out, but rarely invited me or checked up on me; it would have meant the world to know that someone was at least thinking about me, but they never showed it. Friend A asked me for help on homework about once a week. After about a month the night before another deadline, he again facebooked me with "hey," in which I was fed up with him and just said "no, i haven't figured out the homework" with which he seemed offended and said "that wasn't what i wanted... i just wanted to see how you were doing" and pretended to be genuinely interested in my own life... seems unlikely that he'd suddenly be concerned, but I took that with a grain of salt.

 

Long story, but on my 21st birthday (which I thought about not celebrating because I was under such stress... other people were pressuring me to get something together, I organized something for myself the day before and they all came, but hung out more with each other than with me), I was (naturally) wasted and completely made a scene in front of them. I don't want to go into details, but it was bad (luckily, only friends A/B/C saw it, but of course, word spreads fast and I came off to be a really terrible person). I let it blow over for a couple days, then individually met up with each person to apologize. They each admitted that they realized they'd been really bad friends and would try to amend that. The three of them, as well as a few others, checked in on me every couple days and invited me to do stuff (that was over fall break and I was going home though, so I couldn't hang). A few weeks later, things were back to normal- friends A-C were tight as ever and I was being slipped away again. The day before a football game, I heard friend A was complaining about not having a ticket for his brother, so I offered him mine since I didn't have other plans. He asked me why I wasn't going, and I said "because I didn't have any game plans"... his response was "I understand." Didn't even get a thank you.

 

A couple months later, Friend B starts talking to me again and tries to make a better effort to invite me to things. I went to a basketball game, a couple parties, and a bar with them over the course of a few weeks- at this point, I found that 1) I really have no respect for friend A, and 2) I can't hang out with them anymore without feeling miserable because even if I'm there, I don't feel included. At this point, I realized there is nothing left for me in this friendship, and while I'm civil towards them, I try to keep my distance.

 

Don't get me wrong, I have other friends too. But it seems that because of friend A's personality, he makes friends really easily and everybody seems to like him. I just can't stand him, and I don't initiate anything with him anymore. The most consistent communication he makes with me is a rather annoying habit- he "likes" everything I post on facebook, whether or not he understands it (on occasion, I post an inside joke that only a couple people will understand- he "likes" it anyway). I mean, it's not bad, but it's annoying, especially if it's somebody that I don't really talk to anymore. Friend B I don't respect much anymore either, because she's so inconsistent (she'll invite me to something, but then blow me off the entire time there) and because she's become hypocritical. She also only talks to me whenever her other friends are unavailable, and I don't want to be the "friend that you settle for." Friend C gets drunk far too often and becomes beligerant, and I've found that our personalities don't really mesh well together.

 

It's only a month away from graduation, but I've greatly distanced myself to avoid friends A-C. I was going to hang out with a different friend (let's just say Friend D, why not), and she invited friend A along as well. Even when i try to avoid them, I can't. My other mutual friends (who are all great people) are starting to notice that I'm starting to avoid hanging out with everyone, but "I'm slammed on school work," "I have to work tonight," and "I've got other plans" are starting to become tiresome excuses and, while they're driving away friends A-C, they're driving away all my other friends as well. But I can't just tell them I don't want to hang out with certain people as it'll start drama with A-C; I want to graduate with my civility intact.

 

What's more, I'll be starting for a Master's in August, and a mutual friend (E) will likely be starting at the same program as me. A-C will probably try to visit E on occasion, but after I graduate, I'd rather cut all ties with A-C. The post-graduation thing is really tricky and I can go into more details as need, but for now, I think you've been saturated with information.

 

Long story, but back to the question at hand: "How to be civil without saying "I don't want anything to do with you anymore"?" Especially if I'll probably be forced to see them again in the future?

 

I know this was very long, but if you read it, I greatly appreciate it, and I appreciate any input I can get!

[darkmoon]

just be polite but vague no need to expect unbridled bonding or give it - there well be other situations where ppl go off each other that's life, just learn to accept that some freinds fade