How the hell can somebody ruin something for you?

[somedude81]

It happens OP. I cannot listen to Paramore anymore because they were my exes favorite band. If I hear their music I just get filled with negative emotion because I start thinking about how bad our break up was.

 

A guy ruined for me the songs "Wonderful Tonight" and "Tears in Heaven " by Eric Clapton.

 

It really pissed me off, because those are awesome songs.

Good to hear that I'm not the only one this happened to. Thanks for sharing.

 

You might not answer this, but can you share with us specifics? For example, what did today look like for you? What did you do today? Where did you go this past week other than school and home?

 

Rather not, that goes beyond what I want this thread to be about.

I've noticed this about you SD. I'll say something, and you will counter with "Actually, we did _ before." Then you'll give a little explanation. But look at your last sentence in the quote there. I'm talking BIG picture. You seem to get caught up in the semantics of things and fail to realize the big picture. Fostering better perspective would be a nice goal for you to aim for. I've just noticed you get caught up in little details (i.e. "OH no that's not true! D and I have hugged... 3 times in fact! But after the 3rd hug, she was suddenly against them") but you seem to forego the big ideas and big picture. I dunno, man. Just an honest observation on my part.

Of course I'll correct you and give an explanation. What do you expect me to do?

 

What big picture?

 

You said I never hugged her, and I told that I've hugged her thrice, and then she stopped allowing them.

[Teknoe]

Rather not, that goes beyond what I want this thread to be about.

 

So? Why can't your topic be slightly veered to examine something that might be of benefit to you? You don't have to be "this is the way it's done and that's that" all the time. Be flexible! So what if it slightly veers off topic. This is related to you, the topic creator.

 

You've never shared specifics anywhere. You always say "I rather not" or "It's no use writing it out." I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like by ignoring people who ask you to give specifics you are indeed doing things that are very inward (i.e. surfing net, watching movies, playing games alone)

 

Otherwise, you would have shared specifics somewhere along the way?

 

 

Of course I'll correct you and give an explanation. What do you expect me to do?

 

What big picture?

 

You said I never hugged her, and I told that I've hugged her thrice, and then she stopped allowing them.

 

OK since you asked let me elaborate.

 

The following is from another thread of yours.

 

 

I've noticed a troubling trend with our friend, SD. He talks a good talk, but when it comes down to it, he always finds excuses not to do something.

 

i.e. I remember when his supposed "dream girl" D invited him over for a family dinner. He declined and his reasoning was it was a pity invite.

 

 

It was a pity invite.

 

 

I distinctly remember telling him that he should go, because he may not get more opportunities in the near future.

 

He laughed it off (of course), saying there will be other times.

 

Were they? Nope.

 

Would he love to hear D offer him right now what she offered him in the summer? You betcha.

 

 

There were!

 

October last year I was at her house and her parents ordered pizza. I was at her house for about 8 hours that day though we went for a walk too.

 

 

You're missing the point here. It's all about seizing the day and making the most of your opportunities. Pity invite or not, saying no to having dinner with your favorite girl is not seizing the day.

 

You know staying home does nothing.

 

Who knows what could have happened had you gone that night. It might be a low %, but certainly higher than staying home alone surfing the 'net.

 

 

You wrote "all I wanted to do was spend time with D."

 

Again, a clear sign of you having no idea what you're doing or what you want... why DIDN'T you accept her summer dinner invite? That was 3-4 more hours you could have spent with her. Do you see how your logic flips and flops? You say one thing, but you go and do the opposite. Self-sabotage.

 

 

It's weird how he claims he wants certain things, but he doesn't follow through with action. I see a lot of self-sabotage in his life.

 

 

SD, you can say "No we hugged three times" or "No I did have dinner with her family, in October we ordered pizza we walked around and I was with her 8 hours" but these are just semantics. It's not big picture. Big picture is your obsession with D, why it imploded in your face (no girl tells a guy to "butt out of her life" -- more or less what she said -- without the guy really pushing her to the brink of her sanity), and learning to seize every last opportunity, even if you think it's a pity dinner invite.

 

I mean, you would jump for joy if D invited you to dinner tomorrow, right? That's why when it happens, you jump. You don't complain "pity invite" and reject it. Yeah you can say you did dinner with her and her folks later in October, but time is precious. Maybe in the summer time (you said you guys were closer in the summer time) you still had a chance at impressing her. Who knows. But by staying home, you never found out what you were made of.

 

50% of life is JUST showing up, man.

[zengirl]

Wow OP , two grown ups that are adoring fans of a has-been 1980's childrens cartoon, is that really so common that she had the luxury to write off what I hope would be the only other person older than 12 on the planet that is also a fan?

 

I know what you mean though. There is one girl I really cared about at one point but it was unrequited (and I told her off very harshly, as she deserved), every time I see a girl that looks like her I get filled with negativity. That changes once you've found a new girl though, unfortunately, who knows when that's going to happen to us, you might not be able to play with your ninja turtles action figures until you're 40.

 

There are loads of grown ups who liked TMNT as children and still like them in a nostalgic way. You clearly don't know any nerds or even closet-nerds who are willing to admit their nerdiness to you. Personally, TMNT were never my favorite as a kid so I'm fairly indifferent (lots of others 80s cartoons I go nuts over), but many of my friends are into them, as is hubby. We're all nerds, to some degree or another.

 

Liking the same 80s TV show is hardly the basis for an adult relationship, however.

 

Why would you tell someone you cared about off very harshly or think they deserve it? That just seems odd to me. You don't really care about anyone you'd speak harshly to, in most cases. This is why I've pretty much never seen a nice guy who's in unrequited love on this board (it's certainly possible, though the only pop culture example I can think of is the guy from Love Actually who loves his best friend's wife, Keira Knightly); most guys who are in unrequited love turn anything but "nice" when they realize they'll never get what they want.

[FredRutherford]

 

You never even hugged D.

 

 

Actually, I've hugged her three times. Two of those were on our date, hello and goodbye hugs. The third was when me and her had lunch with lunch with a mutual friend. I hugged both girls then left.

 

The next time I tried to hug her, she was suddenly against them

 

SD,

I know she rejected the other hug, but you did right there.

Upping your "physicality" with a woman is usually a great thing.

 

If you're seeing a woman, maybe on the second or third date, reach across the restaurant table and lightly hold her hands....

Hold her hand or make a point to "touch" her arm during the date.

Make it seem natural, not awkward.

 

Try to say something romantic when you do that.

Like,

"....You know, I sense something different about you...."

 

 

And later, on kissing, just give a light kiss on the cheek, nothing heavy too early in dating. I'd wait until the second or third date.

Gotta judge the signals too.

 

Upon greeting, give her a friendly hug, much like friends would do in church or other places.

At my church, people hug each other like that. A friend's husband will hug me and his wife will hug me, while her husband might give my wife a slight kiss on the cheek. A "greeting" kiss, if I recall this.

When he comes to give me a hug, I'll say,

"No kiss for me, Al...." and we'll all laugh.

 

At a business function, a couple women I know will let me give them a hug upon greeting or introducing them to other people.

It seems they "invite" a hug.

You get physically close to them at the location and it seems like they want you to put your arms around them in a greeting.

"Yeah... Fred and I go wayy back in this business..."

 

This is not romantic in any way but a way people greet each other.

 

With men or strangers I've just met in a business situation, a simple firm handshake is fine.

 

From things I've read, women are flattered by such attention.

It sends signals to them that you are "interested" and value them.

[Negative Nancy]

Ninja Turtles at the age of 30, you gotta be kidding me....

[Ross MwcFan]

I didn't realise there were so many judgemental people on this site.

 

Sad.

[FredRutherford]

Ugh, this is ridiculous.

 

I've always been a big fan of the Ninja Turtles. And then the girl I've obsessed over for so long was a big fan as well. She had a backpack, bought a poster when we were at the mall together that I helped pick out, and I burned her a DVD of one of the newer movies and I made a custom case for her. I spent hours getting everything perfect.

 

And now whenever I see anything TMNT related, I instantly think of her and am overwhelmed with negative feelings. There are other triggers too, but this is the most prominent, mainly because of the new movie buzz.

 

It's completely unfair that this is happening. It's bad enough that I couldn't get her, but not being able to enjoy the things I used to because my brain has associated her with them really sucks.

 

 

EXs can do that to you, SD.

 

EXs are like a room in your mind. Your mind has many rooms, like a big mansion.

There's yellow crime-scene tape in the doorway and no matter what you do, you can't "clean-out" the room. The door's locked.

 

 

About a year ago, when I was approaching turning 50 and experiencing some other problems in my life, started thinking about a woman I dated @26.

We dated 6 mos. and she ALMOST became a fiance.... she brought up us "needing to get engaged," so as my first real adult relationship, got my hopes up and made all the mistakes we newbies make when we start to date.

Was blind to the warning signs and didn't see her (legitimate) concerns about our future.

 

All the feelings came back-- especially the pain and tears I cried after she dumped me.

Where was God? Why did he leave me all alone?

 

Went out to ride my bicycle one afternoon to get away from my funk....

Saw it and for the first time, associated it with her.

Only bought the crummy old 12-speed so she and I could go bike riding, as she liked to do.

 

We weren't sexual, BTW, as she was a 30 y.o. virgin posted about elsewhere.

She made that clear to me, that we weren't going to have sex, though I (honestly) never pressed her.

Methinks the end I was so against would've been even more devastating if we'd been sexually intimate.... us getting even close like that...

 

Still ride the bike and honestly don't think about her on the bike.

But when I hear a certain old song from the 1960s, it reminds me of her bec. it was on the oldies radio station the minute I turned the radio on as I drove away from her in my car...

 

"...I could never, never go home... again...."

 

Kind of haunting..... and telling me it was over....

[Saxis]

I didn't realise there were so many judgemental people on this site.

 

Sad.

 

Seriously?

 

Why else do you think trolls are so successful here?

[Ross MwcFan]

Seriously?

 

Why else do you think trolls are so successful here?

 

Until reading this topic I didn't really think there were any people here that would be so judgemental over something that.

Edited April 5, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[Red Arremer]

Until reading this topic I didn't really think there were any people here that would be so judgemental over something that.

 

I wish I had your faith in humanity, sadly i lost mine a long time ago.

[somedude81]

The amount of ignorance shown by people is crazy.

 

The ninja turtles are not the point, it is just an example of a trigger, get that through your thick heads.

[Peter Attis]

If are a 30 year old man that is a fan of Ninja Turtles or better yet, a 30 year old man who wishes he could feel more excited about a Michael Bay directed Ninja Turtles movie... you should be judged.

 

 

 

Likewise, while watching Ninja turtles may make some grown men feel good, it's not good for their mental hygiene.

 

This is the dumbest thing I've ever read on this board.

 

And I've read some of these people's advice.

[Teknoe]

The amount of ignorance shown by people is crazy.

 

The ninja turtles are not the point, it is just an example of a trigger, get that through your thick heads.

 

Yeah, ignore those clowning on Ninja Turtles. That's pretty stupid. I mean, it's not like you wear Donatello PJs to bed.

 

BTW, I see you haven't addressed post #55 in this thread. As with most people in ruts, the only way you'll get out is by real life experience... something that one day "the switch just flips" in your heart. I can see that words here are just that... words. I pray one day soon a "switch will flip" in your mind, heart and spirit... and you'll just be able to go "ohhhh... wow."

 

I don't know when that day will come for you, but I hope it does soon.

 

Did you ever follow up with your dad about skydiving together? You'd mentioned that was something you could look into last summer. I don't want to judge but it seems you might struggle with something I struggled with (I still do in fact, although not as much today as in past years)... and that's saying "I'll do __ and ___" but I just never get to doing it.

 

Have a good weekend, SD. Please, don't stay at home alone. Get out there and mingle if you can. At the very least, just get out of the house. Here's to a great weekend, yeah?

[phineas]

Ugh, this is ridiculous.

 

I've always been a big fan of the Ninja Turtles. And then the girl I've obsessed over for so long was a big fan as well. She had a backpack, bought a poster when we were at the mall together that I helped pick out, and I burned her a DVD of one of the newer movies and I made a custom case for her. I spent hours getting everything perfect.

 

And now whenever I see anything TMNT related, I instantly think of her and am overwhelmed with negative feelings. There are other triggers too, but this is the most prominent, mainly because of the new movie buzz.

 

It's completely unfair that this is happening. It's bad enough that I couldn't get her, but not being able to enjoy the things I used to because my brain has associated her with them really sucks.

 

Well i hope you have learned that you don't treat a woman like your GF until she is actually your GF.

 

I was in my late 20's before I figured that out & I only figured it out because I bought a house to renovate & was too busy to do nice things for women who weren't dating me.

 

Instead i'd tell them they could come over & help me, otherwise I was busy.

 

That's how you tell if their truly interested.

They showed up to help or just brought you food & kept you company.

 

The one's who weren't went & found an easier mark.

[Teknoe]

Any thoughts on post #55 (in this thread), SD?

 

You asked me to follow up, so I did. Just wondering how you processed the comments in post #55, whether you found merit or not in them.

[somedude81]

Teknoe, I really don't want to talk about her anymore.

 

I'm still struggling with getting over her and thinking about what happened with her in the past isn't helping.

[Teknoe]

Teknoe, I really don't want to talk about her anymore.

 

I'm still struggling with getting over her and thinking about what happened with her in the past isn't helping.

 

 

I understand how you feel. If you recall, I went through a similar episode with Tami (she was 18 and I was 25 at the time).

 

From (similar) personal experience though, it's only through self-examination and a sober honest look in the mirror about you and D (or me and Tami) that helps one to not only get through such a difficult episode, but to come out stronger as a result.

 

Ignoring the past usually lends itself to history repeating itself in the future. I know whenever I tried to "sweep things under the rug" it never went away. Some issues you just have to deal with. And some issues, SD, you can't deal with alone.

 

But you already know all of this. There is a difference though between KNOWING IT and LIVING IT. The more you do the latter, and the sooner you do it, the better off you will be.

[Almond_Joy]

Ugh, this is ridiculous.

 

I've always been a big fan of the Ninja Turtles. And then the girl I've obsessed over for so long was a big fan as well. She had a backpack, bought a poster when we were at the mall together that I helped pick out, and I burned her a DVD of one of the newer movies and I made a custom case for her. I spent hours getting everything perfect.

 

And now whenever I see anything TMNT related, I instantly think of her and am overwhelmed with negative feelings. There are other triggers too, but this is the most prominent, mainly because of the new movie buzz.

 

It's completely unfair that this is happening. It's bad enough that I couldn't get her, but not being able to enjoy the things I used to because my brain has associated her with them really sucks.

 

The same thing happened to me with Incubus after I broke up with my ex.

 

I listened to nothing but Incubus every day for at least a month when I realized the music was a trigger. I don't know how, but it worked. I still think of my ex sometimes when I hear Incubus but it doesn't hurt anymore.

 

 

Hope this helps, this association thing sucks.

[Ruby Slippers]

I get it. My ex ruined a band for me when I saw his history of browsing that band's myspace page for pics of their groupies holding instruments or wearing next to nothing (or nothing). Now when I hear anything about them, I think "dip**** guy, dip**** band".