How the hell can somebody ruin something for you?

[PlumPrincess]

And here I am, concerned that I might be using fantasy novels too much as a means of escapism.

[PlumPrincess]

Normal adults are effin boring...............

 

I see Elswyth liked your post lol...

 

Now I get why I have such a low tolerance of this site sometimes..... A guy is sentenced to be weird, strange and a turn-off because he may like or have a classic X-wing fighter sitting on his shelf or likes to detail out an award winning jet fighter in 1:32 scale(and I have won rewards)

 

lovely

You're not even getting the joke...

[somedude81]

LOL, it's like half the people got what I was talking about and half don't have a clue.

 

No I don't still play with the action figures or have TMNT clothes. That's not the point. It's nostalgia but I would also watch the newer cartoons and movies. It being primarily for kids is irrelevant.

 

Something else she "ruined" for me is Japanese. We met in Japanese class, took two of them together, sat next to each other for both of them and talked before and after class four days a week for a year. When ever I try to think of what I learned or read some words, she pops up in my mind.

It's your choice to allow those to be negative triggers. I did the same thing after my relationship ended then realized I enjoyed those things for me, not for her... and most of them I enjoyed long before meeting her. Why give myself up?

How do I chose to not let them be triggers? How do I change it?

I'm going to ask the first girl I see at the pool this weekend this very question.

 

You've also just ruined the Ninja Turtles for me too...

I'm not making a joke thread Hokie.

Oh, I thought this was going to be a post complaining about how everyone is saying Michael Bay "ruined" TMNT because he came up with the new "from space" component to their birth story.

That was the trigger for me. I'm fallowing the news because I am interested in the movie and then my head keeps making me think of her.

Anyway, we all have negative triggers. Most of mine were temporary. I cannot think of anything I permanently dislike because of a guy. But some lasted years. C'est la vie. They go away much quicker and form much less when you mature more, IME.

Did you do anything to make them go away or did they just happen on their own?

Yep, when one gets to be an old fart and can look back and laugh at some of the foolishness and weaknesses of one's life path, it's actually a pretty good feeling. At 30 all that stuff is intense. It'll work out

 

People 'ruin' stuff because we care enough to let them 'ruin' it. We risk ruin with our care. Part of living, IMO.

So it's just being young?

 

And caring increases the risk.

 

All part of living. Sigh.

SD, I had something ruined for me, that I associated with that person, and I also had hurtful reminders of something all around me, due to something that I won't go into.

 

It's no fun. It eases after a while, or has for me, but it hasn't gone away.

Thank you Anela.

TMNT?? Good grief, you're 30! You're too old for that stuff! And a girl that is still into that stuff is too young for you.

She was more into it than I was.

 

But you do have a point that somebody into stuff like that is too young for me. Because it was a sign of her lack of maturity.

Sheesh, what's with the judgement? Plenty of hobbies that were considered only for kids in the past, are now pretty widely accepted by people of all ages.

 

SD, I think it's only human nature. The brain associates everything subconsciously, and once an association is made, it's often difficult to break it apart again. If you'll just focus on other hobbies for now and give it some time to heal, it will be better in the future.

Thanks,

 

It just sucks that I have to only focus on some hobbies because others have become associated with her.

 

Odd how with how intelligent we are as a species and we can't even control what we think about without extensive training.

[PlumPrincess]

I'm writing one now as a form of escapism. It's kinda about you

Wooohooo! I'm going to be remembered forever and ever!

[verhrzn]

Yeah, my exes have ruined men for pretty much forever.

[zengirl]

Did you do anything to make them go away or did they just happen on their own?

 

IME, they go away when you're over the person, have accepted whatever happened, and have left it in the past.

 

The things that help me get over someone are things like practicing Zen, focusing on work, going out with my friends, writing, watching/performing improv, and translating. I guess those things are actually deeply personal to me (no one could ever "ruin" those things, as they've been mine too, too long) at this point and I've shared my ideas on them with too many friends and such for me to associate them with someone in particular. So perhaps that helps me.

 

Definitely it helps that I practice 'acceptance' (which is a complete and total accepting of my reality minute-to-minute without thinking what ifs about the past or wishing things were different in the moment, etc). So Zen has helped me a lot, as has Taoism. I'm not terribly hopeful anything that helps me would help you unless you were to change your mindset entirely. I choose to have a mindset that allows things to bounce off of me better. I was not always this way. Most people get more bounce-back with age and experience, one way or another.

[gotye]

i remembered when i dumped my ex he was like;

 

i so hope zelda isn't ruined for me!

 

i thought it was funny... felt bad for him

 

my ex that recently dumped me... well he and I were obsessed with sherlock bbc... but it isn't ruined for me, I still watch it over and over even without him.

[somedude81]

IME, they go away when you're over the person, have accepted whatever happened, and have left it in the past.

Crap. So it's going to stay until I fully get over her.

 

Damn getting feelings for people sucks ass.

 

The things that help me get over someone are things like practicing Zen, focusing on work, going out with my friends, writing, watching/performing improv, and translating. I guess those things are actually deeply personal to me (no one could ever "ruin" those things, as they've been mine too, too long) at this point and I've shared my ideas on them with too many friends and such for me to associate them with someone in particular. So perhaps that helps me.

 

Definitely it helps that I practice 'acceptance' (which is a complete and total accepting of my reality minute-to-minute without thinking what ifs about the past or wishing things were different in the moment, etc). So Zen has helped me a lot, as has Taoism. I'm not terribly hopeful anything that helps me would help you unless you were to change your mindset entirely. I choose to have a mindset that allows things to bounce off of me better. I was not always this way. Most people get more bounce-back with age and experience, one way or another.

It sound like a mindset I should work on acquiring. I'm bound to get hurt many more times in the future, and I can't let each one crush me.

[Mme. Chaucer]

How the hell can somebody ruin something for you?

 

They can only if you allow it.

[Teknoe]

I love Ninja Turtles. Grew up on it, bought the toys and video games (Turtles in Time SNES FTW!). Was surprised by the quality of the 2007 CGI movie and the 2009-ish Turtles Forever animation film.

 

SD, you'll only get over it once your heart heals from D. Simple as that. Seeing as how it's been a good five months or so since she broke the 'friendship' off, I'd ask what are you doing with your days currently. Are you involved in human interaction daily? Or are you going to class and going straight home internet surfing?

 

When my ex broke up with me after 7 intimate months (but we were best friends for about a year), it took me a good 3.5 to 5 months to get over her. You never even hugged D. I'm a little concerned it's been 5 months and you're still obsessed on her. Maybe change things up a bit. Instead of staying home surfing the net, go out to a bar, go shopping at the mall or catch a movie playing in the theatre (even if it's by yourself). Just break up the monotony somehow and be around people (even if interaction is minimal or nonexistent).

 

Methinks the majority of your free time is spent at home alone playing games, watching movies or surfing the net. That's not going to help you a whole lot in the healing process. It tends to lead people getting stuck in a comfortable, familiar rut.

[Saxis]

Crap. So it's going to stay until I fully get over her.

 

Damn getting feelings for people sucks ass.

 

 

It sound like a mindset I should work on acquiring. I'm bound to get hurt many more times in the future, and I can't let each one crush me.

 

To get over her, join a bowling team and league. One that drinks.... a lot! Or get a group of friends together to make one and get a sponsor. Doesn't matter if you're good at it or not. You'll have so much damn fun that pretty soon you'll just be looking forward to your league night every week and won't even think about her. It worked for me!

 

 

 

After a couple times doing this, you'll learn to keep your feelings in check until you're sure things are getting serious.

[somedude81]

I love Ninja Turtles. Grew up on it, bought the toys and video games (Turtles in Time SNES FTW!). Was surprised by the quality of the 2007 CGI movie and the 2009-ish Turtles Forever animation film.

That's the one I burned for her, then made a menu screen and printed out a cover, made it look like a real DVD, case and all.

 

I did enjoy that movie, and it was made for the people who grew up on the old turtles but were still fans.

 

SD, you'll only get over it once your heart heals from D. Simple as that. Seeing as how it's been a good five months or so since she broke the 'friendship' off, I'd ask what are you doing with your days currently. Are you involved in human interaction daily? Or are you going to class and going straight home internet surfing?

 

Maybe change things up a bit. Instead of staying home surfing the net, go out to a bar, go shopping at the mall or catch a movie playing in the theatre (even if it's by yourself). Just break up the monotony somehow and be around people (even if interaction is minimal or nonexistent).

 

Methinks the majority of your free time is spent at home alone playing games, watching movies or surfing the net. That's not going to help you a whole lot in the healing process. It tends to lead people getting stuck in a comfortable, familiar rut.

I've done all of the above and more.

 

When my ex broke up with me after 7 intimate months (but we were best friends for about a year), it took me a good 3.5 to 5 months to get over her.

I've heard different accounts of how long it takes to get over somebody. I was basically "with" her from February 2010 till November 2011. Almost two years of intense feelings.

 

You never even hugged D.

Actually, I've hugged her three times. Two of those were on our date, hello and goodbye hugs. The third was when me and her had lunch with lunch with a mutual friend. I hugged both girls then left.

 

The next time I tried to hug her, she was suddenly against them

[somedude81]

To get over her, join a bowling team and league. One that drinks.... a lot! Or get a group of friends together to make one and get a sponsor. Doesn't matter if you're good at it or not. You'll have so much damn fun that pretty soon you'll just be looking forward to your league night every week and won't even think about her. It worked for me!

 

 

 

After a couple times doing this, you'll learn to keep your feelings in check until you're sure things are getting serious.

Ha, we went bowling on our date. It was also surprisingly the best game I ever played.

 

Got to think of something else

[Teknoe]

To get over her, join a bowling team and league. One that drinks.... a lot! Or get a group of friends together to make one and get a sponsor. Doesn't matter if you're good at it or not. You'll have so much damn fun that pretty soon you'll just be looking forward to your league night every week and won't even think about her. It worked for me!

 

After a couple times doing this, you'll learn to keep your feelings in check until you're sure things are getting serious.

 

 

The issue here is, we have ALL been telling SD this for the last several months. However, he has admitted he has difficulty making connections with males. And with girls, he's not interested in friendship since "he can get that anytime from them." What he wants is a girlfriend. There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting a girlfriend. It's natural. However, he doesn't have any friends whatsoever and ISN'T INTERESTED in making friends.

 

At least, he hasn't gone through any legitimate efforts to find and make friends. He often posted "I'll do X only if someone invites me." Surely you see the dilemma there? How can someone invite him when they don't know him? It's a safety net; an excuse he uses to validate his lot in life.

 

Life isn't about getting breaks. It's about MAKING them. Until he is able to conceptualize that and more importantly start IMPLEMENTING that, he is likely to be stuck in the same position year after year.

 

He has no real life support group to help him grow. To me that's a sign of someone who struggles with intimacy issues (a bit ironic, given his desire to have a girlfriend, but it IS possible to want a girlfriend but have intimacy struggles. The more information he reveals in his posts the more I see that from him). So one big issue is he has no friends and has no real desire to make friends. Another is his propensity to stand still and blame his life situation on others (women, the world, God, etc.)

[ThaWholigan]

I think we've preached at SD enough now Teknoe . I'm sure he knows what he has to do now.......

 

Somedude, lots of music used to remind me of the girl I liked (both involved in music), so I used to avoid listening to it. I kinda get it, but I never used to get negative, I just used to think about shagging her a lot . It got annoying because I never thought it would happen and I was torturing myself, so I exercised my demons and actually started listening to all those songs over and over. Eventually, they just became music to me.

 

Sometimes, jumping into the deep might work. Whatever you decide is up to you mate.

Edited April 4, 2012 by ThaWholigan

[irin]

I'm 36, and still love E.T. I have a DVD of another movie I loved when I was seven, too. I have more than a few favourite books, as well.

 

I've seen men set up train sets for their children, only to sit there playing with them themselves, and their kids are looking like this:

 

i didn't mean he cant like NT at his age, i meant how can he "let someone ruin something" he liked for him?

 

i like ET too. and still love the cartoons i saw as child but how can someone ruin it for me. its weird! if they introduce me to something and then did someone to upset me then i would associate it them. but if it was something i like way before them and they happen to like it too. it would have no effect!

[somedude81]

i didn't mean he cant like NT at his age, i meant how can he "let someone ruin something" he liked for him?

 

i like ET too. and still love the cartoons i saw as child but how can someone ruin it for me. its weird! if they introduce me to something and then did someone to upset me then i would associate it them. but if it was something i like way before them and they happen to like it too. it would have no effect!

I think it's because something we did together. So she gets attached to that thing.

 

The same thing would probably have happened if we went surfing together. She would get attached to surfing in my mind.

[kaylan]

It happens OP. I cannot listen to Paramore anymore because they were my exes favorite band. If I hear their music I just get filled with negative emotion because I start thinking about how bad our break up was.

[Anela]

irin, I meant to add that I wasn't picking on you. Others said similar things.

[irin]

irin, I meant to add that I wasn't picking on you. Others said similar things.

 

its okay! i was a bit mean at my first post anyway i deserved it if you did! sometimes i just cant help with my terrible sense of sarcasm:p

[prune juice]

Guys, I think SD is referring to his nostalgia regarding Ninja Turtles, rather than referring to the fact that he would still like to play with NT toys and watch marathons of the NT series.

 

who cares? a lady i was dating has some teddy bears. i don't give two fu*ks. if she couldn't leave her house w/o the teddy bear or couldn't have sex w/o it who cares.

[prune juice]

Wow OP , two grown ups that are adoring fans of a has-been 1980's childrens cartoon, is that really so common that she had the luxury to write off what I hope would be the only other person older than 12 on the planet that is also a fan?

 

I know what you mean though. There is one girl I really cared about at one point but it was unrequited (and I told her off very harshly, as she deserved), every time I see a girl that looks like her I get filled with negativity. That changes once you've found a new girl though, unfortunately, who knows when that's going to happen to us, you might not be able to play with your ninja turtles action figures until you're 40.

 

there's more than you think. i've never been into them but i work with people male and female who have toys in their office. it isn't a crime and i hardly notice.

[Red Arremer]

Wow OP , two grown ups that are adoring fans of a has-been 1980's childrens cartoon, is that really so common that she had the luxury to write off what I hope would be the only other person older than 12 on the planet that is also a fan?

 

I know what you mean though. There is one girl I really cared about at one point but it was unrequited (and I told her off very harshly, as she deserved), every time I see a girl that looks like her I get filled with negativity. That changes once you've found a new girl though, unfortunately, who knows when that's going to happen to us, you might not be able to play with your ninja turtles action figures until you're 40.

 

NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERDS

 

(imagine I posted a picture of that dude from Revenge of the Nerds here)

[Jane2011]

A guy ruined for me the songs "Wonderful Tonight" and "Tears in Heaven " by Eric Clapton.

 

It really pissed me off, because those are awesome songs.

[Teknoe]

I think we've preached at SD enough now Teknoe . I'm sure he knows what he has to do now.......

 

Oh I'm not preaching at SD in my post there. I was merely explaining to Saxis. He suggested SD go out with friends. What he doesn't know is SD's circle of friends is nonexistent. Just telling him information so he understands.

 

 

I've done all of the above and more.

 

You might not answer this, but can you share with us specifics? For example, what did today look like for you? What did you do today? Where did you go this past week other than school and home?

 

Because a person can easily say "I tried such and such" (and be very vague about it), but there's a definite difference between trying and TRYING trying. Many times, you gotta stick with something. Can't quit after a little bit. If you provided more details it'd help a lot (i.e. After class I went to Target and chatted up the female clerk. She laughed and it was a nice exchange) rather than "I tried and more." Implying it doesn't help. It does help, but you just got to keep at it, and perhaps do it more effectively. For example, if I lifted one 5 pound dumbbell once a week for 1 minute, I ain't going to get much stronger. It's ineffective.

 

We don't know for sure what you are doing, and what you AREN'T doing. If you could be more specific, it'd help. Saying "I tried and more" doesn't really tell us a lot. It also would help you out to plot out specifics, and maybe you might gain some insight from doing a dead-honest evaluation of how you're living life. Just think to yourself, how much of your free time is spent either watching movies, playing games or surfing the net? Be honest with yourself.

 

 

Actually, I've hugged her three times. Two of those were on our date, hello and goodbye hugs. The third was when me and her had lunch with lunch with a mutual friend. I hugged both girls then left.

 

The next time I tried to hug her, she was suddenly against them

 

I've noticed this about you SD. I'll say something, and you will counter with "Actually, we did _ before." Then you'll give a little explanation. But look at your last sentence in the quote there. I'm talking BIG picture. You seem to get caught up in the semantics of things and fail to realize the big picture. Fostering better perspective would be a nice goal for you to aim for. I've just noticed you get caught up in little details (i.e. "OH no that's not true! D and I have hugged... 3 times in fact! But after the 3rd hug, she was suddenly against them") but you seem to forego the big ideas and big picture. I dunno, man. Just an honest observation on my part.