kj114 Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 my boyfriend of about 4 months broke up with me about two months ago. during this time, i have learned ALOT about myself and how i act in relationships. looking back over my three relationships, i was always trying to be the 'nice girl,' especially in the most recent one. it started about 3 months in to the relationship. i was always going out of my way to do nice things for him, help him, buy lunch when we went out, agreed with everything, never voiced my opinion, always made myself available when he wanted to do something. looking back i am completely embarrassed at how i acted. when we met, i was this confident, almost fiesty, girl that was always busy doing things with friends, etc. i even asked him out on the first date. by the time i noticed i started to get clingy, i wasn't doing anything with friends anymore unless it was group dates with their bf's too and if i didn't come over on his way home from work, i ended up sitting at home doing nothing because i was planning on seeing him. like i said, i am SOOO embarrassed of my actions now that i have stepped back to see what i was doing. then i had an emotional break down about a week before about how i thought we weren't doing enough stuff with friends on our own. when he broke up with me, he was visibly upset and cried. we had briefly talked a few days before about if something was wrong and we both said that we were afraid the other wasn't telling us everything. and then i was in a constant panic for 4 days until he really did break up with me. i have not talked to him since he left my place that night. i have a box of his stuff in my closet and his apartment key. he has mine as well. there's been no contact at all. i have been thinking of sending a very short letter just apologizing for the way i acted because i truly didn't see what i was doing (always being agreeable, 'easy going', etc.) until it was too late. what do you think? i think this break up was good, it's just really hard because he was a really great guy and i feel like i messed it up by my low self-esteem and insecurity. since we broke up i have started seeing a counselor to work on my self-esteem and insecurity, i've started medicine for my anxiety (i was always afraid to speak up because i was afraid i'd get an answer i didn't like or that i'd say the wrong thing) and i've started attending church and a bible study regularly. and i joined a weekly yoga class, so i keep busy on a regular schedule. so i am making big improvements in my life to better myself, but i still can't get past that he may still think of me as that needy person. suggestions?
Philosoraptor Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 It looks like you've learned from your actions and that's all that matters. If he truly cared about you he has already forgiven you, and that would make saying sorry unimportant. Just continue working on yourself and forgiving yourself for the actions you took in the past.
TaraMaiden Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 None. just keep doing what you're doing, improving yourself and enjoying who you are - on your own. Get to completely like yourself, and prove to you alone, that this is a positive journey to whom you deserve to be. Actions speak louder than words - news will get back to him how great you're doing. if he wants a piece of the action, he may well contact you. if not - let it go, and enjoy what life brings you....
radiodarcy Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 as someone who was in your shoes, i would advise against this. i too had the urge to apologize to my ex for being needy. but then i realized, it was my behavior that was causing me to be embarrassed. so really - - the person who i needed to make it up to was me. not him. just continue working on yourself. contacting him to apologize is counter-productive because it's like you're looking to him to approve of the changes you have made. when it's really your own approval and self-acceptance you need to work on winning back. not his. 1
Author kj114 Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 the letter that i drafted and read to my counselor (who suggested i go ahead and send it) said that i realized i was not being honest with him because i didn't let him get to know the real me since i was always trying to be easy going (i said i was 'easy going' on more than one occasion) and that i was thankful that he gave me this opportunity to recognize this.
january2011 Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 If you can handle your letter going into the abyss, that is, not hearing his response or ever hearing from him again, then send the letter only because your counsellor suggested it. Otherwise, do not send the letter. You'll only get temporary relief from it and when you realise that you were not responsible for the relationship ending, you will regret that you took the blame. Don't apologise and don't take the blame. Being agreeable and easygoing are not character traits that you need to apologise for.
daphne Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Please don't send the letter. It won't have the affect you intend. You can only show by actions that you're no longer needy, or have expectations for him to fill a void. You do that by not chasing him and by letting him go. If you do talk, don't go out of your way to prove to him that you've changed. You should just be yourself and treat him like a friend. Otherwise, you look like the same needy girl in need of his approval. Stop caring what he thinks.
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