My situation

[Reddice]

Hello everybody,

 

So I’m new to this website. First of all, I am not a native speaker of English, so please forgive me if I make any mistakes. I have been reading this forum for a couple of weeks now. Last Sunday I decided to sign up to Loveshack and to write down my story. As I was writing it down, I realized it was turning more into a book rather than into a forum thread. I then decided to delete it. I will write it down again, but this time as short as possible and more to the point. I really need some advice and/or insight from you guys/girls, as I am a bit lost right now. Please let me know if something is unclear.

 

About two months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend after a 2.5 year relationship. I just turned 28, she is 21. We lived together for over a year in an apartment I bought for us, so we could be together. In November 2011 things started to go sour. I noticed that she started lying more and more, especially about things she should not be lying about. I suspected her of cheating, but she has never admitted it (still hasn’t). According to her, she loved me a lot, could not live without me and I was thinking too much of it. She could not give me a proper explanation though as to why she had to lie, if there was nothing to hide. Things became so bad, she had to leave for a weekend. During this weekend, she kept texting and calling me daily. She kept saying she loved me so much. She really wanted to come back, but I told her to stay the weekend to think about the situation and come back on Monday. That Monday she came back, we talked a bit, spoke our minds and all seemed settled and solved. We decided to work on our relationship and make sure 2012 became a fresh start for us.

 

Though there were still some trust issues, December passed really quickly and with not too much hassle. We even went away for a short stay and had fun together. Then, in January, the proverbial **** hit the proverbial fan. One night she decided to go out with one of her female friends. I found it quite strange, as she never went out at all! I, on my turn, decided to go out with some of my friends. At around 2am, I decided to look her up at the club where she said she was. I spend an hour looking for her and trying to contact her, but she was nowhere to be found. In the end I managed to get in touch with her and I will spare you all the details, but it turned out she had lied about ever being in this club. She went to a different club instead, where the guy which I was suspecting she was cheating with works as a washed-up, 37 year-old DJ. She kept claiming nothing was wrong and it was all pure coincidence and she loved me very deeply, etc etc. The reason for lying about where she was, is because she just wanted to spent the night with her friend alone without being bothered. I told her to move out of the apartment and we spend almost the entire night crying before she definitely packed her bags and left. Throughout all this time she kept insisting she loved me a lot and was confused about everything, but never wanted to leave me, etc.

 

The days after, we still kept in touch. She kept saying she loved me and kept calling and text messaging every day and telling me how much she missed me. But since she couldn’t give me a proper reason as to why she was lying, I decided to break off our relationship so she could think about what was going on and what she really wanted. I figured that if she really loved me, she would come to her senses. A few days later (2 or 3) I found out this guy lives in the same street as my parents. Seeing it is a one-way traffic and he lives at the beginning and my parents at the end of the street, I decided to pay him a visit. Imagine my surprise as I met my GF not even 10 meters away from his front door with a bag of groceries in her hands. She insisted that she was not going to see him, but that she was going to friends which I had never met. Later that night, she called me on my cell phone and told me I should stop “stalking” her and her friends and that she hasn’t loved me for 9 months (this hurt a lot) and we would never come together again. I went NC from then on, though I did find out that this guy changed his facebook profile picture on valentine’s day to one with both of them on it

 

At the beginning of March I sent my ex an email telling her to come pick up her stuff as I wanted to move on with my life. She wrote back saying that she was having a hard time being apart from me and she was not yet fully prepared to meet me. I wrote back saying that I missed her too and thought about her a lot (I totally wussed out, I know). She did come pick up her stuff though, but didn’t look at me nor speak to me. A day later she emailed saying that it was very hard and very emotional for her. She wanted to meet up for lunch that weekend and talk about the situation. I agreed with her proposal. Unfortunately, she never showed up to our appointment. She did call 30 minutes afterwards saying the same things as before. She was too emotional and very confused and she couldn’t stop talking about me to her friends. She said she had been unhappy for the last 9 months of our relationship, but she will always love me. She can’t dedicate herself 100% to our relationship because she does not know why she is unhappy. However, she is in a new relationship with this other guy (she can give him 100%?) and though I didn’t tell her, I know she is practically living with him already. She wanted to stay in touch with me, but I told her I had no intention of being friends. It was either a relationship or nothing, she chose for the latter. I went NC since then and it has been for a month now. Last Friday was my 28th birthday, and I received an email from her at 8.20am to congratulate me. I didn’t reply to it and haven’t heard anything from her anymore.

 

I read about the GIGS theory on this forum and I am now thinking that she might be suffering from this, though not all adds up. Sure, she seems confused, she dived really fast into a new, serious relationship with a guy 17 years older than her and seems to want to experience new things. I also have the idea that it might be some unresolved, underlying issues (daddy issues perhaps seeing the age difference?). Anyone has an opinion on what’s going on and how I should approach the situation? I mean, I still love her very much, but I have no intention of contacting her ever again. I think it's up to her to do the chasing at this point if the relationship is to ever have any chance at all. Do you think she will contact me again in a short timeframe and if so, how should I react?

[ElizaV]

First off I'd like to say your English is excellent, if you hadn't said I never would've thought you weren't a native English speaker

 

Your situation is a horrible one and I do feel sympathy for you. This girl lied to you on numerous occasions, and although she has never admitted it, it does sound as though she could have been cheating while you were together. I personally don't tolerate lying of any kind, so I think you did the right thing to end your relationship with her.

 

The fact that she has moved on to someone else so quickly is very hurtful, and its understandable that you're struggling with it. I think you need to keep your distance from her now (and the guy she's with) and move on with your life. No contact, and no meeting up. Dwelling on this will not do you any good. I mean, do you really want to be with a girl who lies to you? You deserve better than that.

[liverpool fc]

i feel very very sorry for you about what has happened

 

If it was me i would not talk to her again, think she has lied to you over and over again (not trustworthy) shes not sure about you but she left you for another guy (wouldnt she most likely do the same in the future)

 

Also i think the age has a big thing to do with it, not the age differance between you and her but her age, shes 21 wouldnt her maturity level about it have something to do? how she has acted in all of this?

 

just like Eliza said in the post before me, you do deserve much better then that

 

once again i am really sorry on the whole situation

[Philosoraptor]

You can't rationalize her actions. The fact is she cheated on you and lied to you. Though you may care for her, you are smart enough to know that does not make for a good relationship.