IvanIvanovIvanovich Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Well I've lurked on these forums for a few weeks now, have "enjoyed" reading some of these topics (I put it in quotes because the ones pertaining to breakups can be depressing but some of the replies offered within seem to carry some pearl of wisdom), and thought I'd contribute... So, I'm a 26 year old newly-single father. I have an amazingly adorable 2 1/2 year old son. His mother and I had been together for 3 years, she'd gotten pregnant after about 6 months of us being together so the bulk of the time we actually were with each other was spent as parents. Our relationship was never perfect...in some regards with how we lived we were diametrically opposed. She was very neat, and much more active than I. Myself, I've grown up as a 'lone wolf' type of person who very much keeps to himself and isolates. Not a prime ingredient for a good relationship, or even an especially great parent. She was very ambitious about going to school, having her goals set...and to be honest I've really just been a ****-up for a lot of my adult life. I'm one of those types of people that I guess just lost faith in themselves despite having quite a bit of potential...lots of water under the bridge with past events in my life which I won't go into right now. Anyways, as we spent more time together an old friend of mine entered the picture. A VERY old friend. Had known this person since I was in kindergarten, which makes that about 20 years. He'd gotten to get very close to the family and at one point I'd considered him one of our own. We all spent a lot of time together. Around May of last year, my now-ex had suggested that we start looking for relationships on the side to 'fulfill needs not being met' within our own....I wasn't quite sure about that but for whatever stupid reason I said yes...at the time the idea of being able to get out and get my kicks seemed like a tempting notion, though I ultimately never did anything and backed out. 2 weeks laters, beginning of June, she dumped me, out of the blue...for my "best friend" of 20 years. I'd caught on to the fact that they'd been doing SOMETHING (she never actually admitted, though I suspect otherwise) after she suggested the open relationship idea, and I told them both it needed to stop. After she dumped me for the first time I got very angry and bitter, and I finally told her off, which for some reason made her want to come back to me and work things out...and she did it again a few months later. She's with this guy now, who lied to and betrayed me. It seems like in retrospect he was just manipulating his way through the weaknesses in our relationship so he could make sure he was 'there' for her, which really angers me...I've never done that to ANYBODY, much less a friend of mine. I've never cheated, never abused a girlfriend (in any way), my only crime is that I have trouble connecting to people and getting out of my own world...which is bad. But still...really? I mean...this was my son's mother! I did come to find out later from a friend that several people witnessed her trying to sleaze around at a party (which coincidentally took place on the night our son took his first step), so sometimes I consider myself lucky, but for the life of me, no matter what, this heartache has not gone away in the 6 months or so we've been split up. Even though I hate both of them, it is still just anguish for me. It hurts when I have to drop my son off at his mom's place. I don't talk to her at all or even look her in the eye anymore. I've endured some bad things in my life...my father (whom I was very close to) died when I was 16 in a pretty traumatic incident and I'd thought if I could handle that I could handle anything but by far having my son's mother tell me that she was in love with my best friend...I just don't know. I just want to feel better, and I'd want to think after half a year I would, but I don't.
Million.to.1 Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Welcome. Your story is sad. I hope you will find help healing here to help you move on from your ex and can be the best Dad you can be for your son. She is going to be in your life for a very long time though, so I hope that you can find a way eventually to manage your relationship with her for the benefit of your boy. I'm sure you will find much good advice from people here who have dealt with similar things themselves. It would be hard having to see them all the time, i could imagine. With time you will see that you are better off without someone who betrays your trust like that. Take this time to focus on yourself, set some goals and achieve them. Get fit, join a group, take up a hobby, do fun activities with your son. Staying busy is the best way to move forward with your life after a break-up. You are only 26. You are not a ****-up. You have plenty of time. But it is time to do something now. Find it and then do it. Get out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself. This will set you free.
Philosoraptor Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Sadly she was likely cheating on you already and brought up the open relationship idea to ease her own guilt. Once you said yes she was able to give more to this guy and not feel the guilt associated with it. It hurts to say but she may have only been sticking around because she felt guilty for cheating. If I were in your shoes I would seek individual counseling as it may help you wade through this and find your peace with the situation.
Mr Scorpio Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Welcome. With time you will see that you are better off without someone who betrays your trust like that. Take this time to focus on yourself, set some goals and achieve them. Get fit, join a group, take up a hobby, do fun activities with your son. Staying busy is the best way to move forward with your life after a break-up. You are only 26. You are not a ****-up. You have plenty of time. But it is time to do something now. Find it and then do it. Get out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself. This will set you free. This sums it up. At 26 you could just now decide on a career, even one that took eight years of schooling to get there, and still come out alright. Better late than never!
january2011 Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 I'm one of those types of people that I guess just lost faith in themselves despite having quite a bit of potential...lots of water under the bridge with past events in my life which I won't go into right now. Being labelled with that 'P' word is a lot of pressure on someone. At 26, you still have time. There are some people in their 30s, 40s, 50s and upwards who still don't know what they want to do with their lives. All you can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Forget about how other people think your life should look and focus on how you want your life to look. Every day, take a step towards that goal. Think about the kind of father you want to be for your son and make it happen. With regard to the ex - six months is still early days for many people. Don't sweat it. It will take a bit more time. That's all. If you can't be on friendly terms then just focus on exchanges about facts only: your son and finances. No small talk.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 To men everywhere: When she is offering you an open relationship this is not a good thing! 95% of the time she isn't thinking: I want to give him the joy of having a variety of women! She is thinking: 1. He CLEARLY isn't satisfied with me, I stink in bed, my thighs are too big, breasts too small, too fat, too thin etc etc etc etc so instead of working on the issues or having him reassure me of my insecurity and I hoping that he'll get interested somewhere else and I don't have to put up with him and his lack of satisfaction with me. Or 2. I am not as interested in him anymore. I have my eye on someone else, I want to have fun with my sex life because I feel chained down to one loser. I don't want to give up my lifestyle or split apart my family so I better open this up or I am just going to end up cheating on him anyways or get caught if I already started cheating. Women tend to be much more emotionally connected to sex. If I have sex with a guy three times: I start envisioning what the future could look like with him. Instinct. Really really dumb to open up a relationship or to only think about how it can benefit *you* It is a really conflict-avoidant way to try to deal with intimacy issues and can easily hollow out what is left of a relationship. 2
CarrieT Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 To men everywhere: When she is offering you an open relationship this is not a good thing! 95% of the time she isn't thinking: I want to give him the joy of having a variety of women! She is thinking: 1. He CLEARLY isn't satisfied with me, I stink in bed, my thighs are too big, breasts too small, too fat, too thin etc etc etc etc so instead of working on the issues or having him reassure me of my insecurity and I hoping that he'll get interested somewhere else and I don't have to put up with him and his lack of satisfaction with me. Or 2. I am not as interested in him anymore. I have my eye on someone else, I want to have fun with my sex life because I feel chained down to one loser. I don't want to give up my lifestyle or split apart my family so I better open this up or I am just going to end up cheating on him anyways or get caught if I already started cheating. That was ME in my marriage 25 years ago. My now exH fell for it and we both got burned. Sure, I got to fool around and we had some interesting orgy time, but it ultimately failed - as did our marriage. Ah, youth is wasted on the young....
Author IvanIvanovIvanovich Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 (edited) Some good answers in this thread...dreamingoftigers hit the nail on the head. Sad thing is, had I followed my gut feeling when I had it in the first place, things might've turned out at least a bit differently. I suppose the thing that bothers me most was how just absolutely nasty that was. I'd thought being the father of her son meant more than that...and that my friend would so willingly participate in that...mind boggling. And through it all, neither of them will ever admit it was a nasty thing to do. Of course, it was all my fault, according to them. I absolutely believe there was fault in my actions over the course of the relationship, but I'd genuinely tried to fix them, just not soon enough. I have a hard time believing it will go too far, seeing as how they built their relationship on cheating and lying, but maybe they're a perfect match for each other. Still, it pains me to know that the same woman that gave birth to my son turned out to be a liar and a cheater. I guess the only vindication I can hope for in the matter is that their relationship burns down even worse, so they can taste a little bit of the misery I have. Edited April 4, 2012 by IvanIvanovIvanovich
dreamingoftigers Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 I had a "friend" just like this. She just moved out of my place. She dropped her husband and two kids a year ago, left them for another guy who dumped her 6 months later. Sick of her sponging off of him. She came to live with me because she had "nowhere else to go." She moves into my place with the ex-boyfriends best friend. She's been the victim in his eyes ever since. Two days ago, she really screw me over during her moveout. Of course, it is MY fault. But now the two of them have a place together. Overall he is a nice, responsible guy. However, they have only been together four months in a completely codependent relationship. Both of their bad behavior is coming out. (ie she rarely does anything for herself or the kids, certainly not cleaning and sits around unemployed for as long as she can. When he gets stressed he drinks and gets angry enough to punch his own windshield to the point where it needs replacing.) My only wish is that they start to fight as much as I think that they will. I had another "friend" go through the exact same thing. Neglect gets old but so does drama. Btw, that one "friend" tried an open relationship with her husband because she had already been messing around on him, including with his brother. I learned this year that she was with the other brother as well (now that is a set you don't want to collect.) It almost seems that young relationships get divided up pretty interestingly. 1. Both people actually are healthy and stay together 2. Both people are unhealthy and then they both go through a series of relationships that are just....nuts Then there are the people who realize that not everyone is a good person or that the relationships just don't mean as much to the other person. 1. One person quits on a relationship after it isn't as much "fun" anymore. They don't learn anything and just keep repeating the pattern. Use, drop, repeat. 2. The other person learns everything they lose because of hooking up with someone who's only in it when times are good so then they search for someone much more stable and solid before they invest in a relationship again. That one lasts. Be the guy that learns from it. Learn what needs to go into a relationship: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It Wired for Love 5 Languages of Love Self Matters (I cringe to recommend Dr. Phil) I know that you probably don't crave another relationship right now, but that is also the perfect time to learn about them and look for someone functional. Then you know how to screen as well, without letting emotions or sex take over. That way when you do crave a relationship you will be ready and have learned instead of just recycling your last one. So many people keep going through this: Person seems really great and fun and attractive We have a bunch of sex, spend a lot of time together I get emotionally invested Person gets comfortable and starts exhibiting strong neediness or drama or craziness I try to overlook it, I've invested so much in after all Person completely turns into needy, crazy, cold-hearted nut Things aren't fun anymore for either one of us, we end up splitting Oooh, look there's a new person that seems so much like X before he/she changed into a jerk! I'll go after them and spend a lot of time and energy and sex and hopefully things will work out better this time. Hopefully I haven't been too pushy in drilling this in.
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