Well...now what?

[gyrkinlens]

Hey all, I wasn't sure of where to post this, but this forum seems appropriate enough. I'm sort of at a loss with what to do with myself, and I need some advice, or something. Anything.

 

So, here's the deal. My girlfriend and I broke up in July of last year (a long time ago, I know). We had been together since March of 2008. Our lives were going in different directions, with her returning to school and trying to 'find herself' or whatever, and me finishing up college and trying to get into a Ph.D program. It's more complicated than this, but the idea was that we'd split, do our own thing for a while, and maybe hypothetically get back together at some point down the road. Sounded great in theory, our relationship wasn't in the best shape at that point (wasn't terrible, but it definitely seen better days) and perhaps some separation would be good. So, we went to opposite sides of the state, and, probably predictably, she pulled herself away for good and decided that anything down the road probably wasn't likely. I was left out trying to deal with a father back at home during my 'gap year' who was battling leukemia, thinking that my 'temporary' ex and best friend was just that, had some sort of interest in continuing any type of relationship, but she changed her mind. So, of course, that made me feel like a piece of dung for months. I still do.

As time has gone on, it's become increasingly obvious that she wants no piece of me in her life at all, forever, and that any chance of us even speaking to one another as friends isn't going to happen...because she has no interest in my existence, apparently.

 

Here's the problem; we were not only big time high school and college sweethearts, but best friends. I've been in love with her since I was 16, while we didn't date until I was 19. I'm 23 now. Seven years of my life I was either pining after this person, or with them. We were each other's firsts in all sense of the word. First sexual encounters. First loves. For me, she was even my first girlfriend, period. And this was big time, super serious, sustained head-over-heels type love we're talking here. It was generally accepted we were going to get old and die together. We talked about getting married and having kids very unhypothetically. The notion of us even being apart, let alone broken up, was inconceivable.

 

So now that it appears as though things are permanently down the toilet because I apparently wasn't the catch I thought I was, I'm left with the inevitable task of moving onto someone else.

Problem. I've only been with my ex. I'm a 23 year old male, and I've only had one girlfriend, one love, one sexual partner. The worst part is that, admittedly, shamefully, I am persistently, possibly incurably, awful at sex. I'm faced with what appears to be an insurmountable issue in which all my peers/competition have been spending their early twenties getting very adept sexually, romantically, etc....and I have not. I don't know what to do because I've only known what it was like to date one person, sleep with one person (poorly). What chance do I have in the dating world when I have no skills accumulated and no self-confidence?

 

Does anybody else have this issue? Did anyone else bank on 'forever' and shoot themselves in the foot by becoming romantically and sexually obsolete in the process? How am I supposed to start a new relationship, when I'm 23, and this is the first time I've had to do so? I have no idea what it's like to date as an adult. My only courtship experience is months of awkward, secretive fumbling as a teenager with the same awkward person, who was just as clueless as me. Now I'm expected to KNOW my way around, and I don't.

 

Please, direct me on what to do if you can, or to resources. I need to become at least moderately decent sexually overnight, as impossible of a task that may be. Is this possible? I just need a way to pick up the tools I missed out on before I can even think about having anything resembling a relationship, physical or otherwise.

[budley12]

I hear you. I fell in true love with my last relationship which lasted 3 years. We lived together in the dorms every year up until this one, and Ive only had sex with my ex and he broke it off 4months ago and I am lost. I thought we would be "forever" and took it for granted while I had it. We were each others firsts and I thought it would be a fairytale ending. Boy was I wrong. Now I am left with no friends and feeling very alone in my current environment at college. I put too many eggs in the same basket (including having all the same mutual friends) and now I am left with nothing here. To make it worse I see him with the new "me" on campus all the time, and he looks so happy and refreshed with me out of his life. Cannot wait to leave this environment and start fresh.

 

You are not alone :(

[hellodearest]

seems like you have anxiety about sexual encounters with new people. This will probably persist as long as you stay heartbroken and hung up on your ex. As a 23 year old male, you should have the stamina to please a woman, though you should have them help you along. Much of this is just confidence and not overthinking things. I'm sure there's nothing physiologically wrong with you, just need to overcome your mental barriers.

 

If you're worried about making a woman climax, it's not so much about you. Sure, certain angles help, and you'll have to find out what they like, open communication has been key in all my relationships. don't worry about talking dirty whatever, impressing a lady. ask what they like, even during the act you can ask how they want it.

 

one boon which i've learned from my most recent relationship is to use lube, if a girl can get herself off with lube while you're doing your thing, well, you're gonna get a lot of the credit even though she's doing the work. It's not an excuse to get lazy though.

 

if you meet the right girl you'll have no problem, you actually don't need that much experience to be "good" in bed, and you don't need that much confidence either, just learn to get the anxiety out of your head. if you need a crutch, order some viagra or something (you can get it online). it'll help as a confidence booster most of all, until you don't need it anymore.

[Chi townD]

How the hell do you know that you're horrible in the sack? Did she tell you this? And if that's the case and you two were each others first, how the hell would she know?

 

Okay....look. Believe it or not. Girls like a guy with no-so-much experience in the sack. It shows them that you don't put your d*ck into anything that moves. Your selective and you hold out for the right girl, not just any girl. That you have values and morals. Okay, this might not be the case, but they don't know that! Plus, girls like a challenge! They would want to mold you into a great lover. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a girl telling you what she likes and what she doesn't like. Giving you a little direction. It's healthly!

 

Ladies tell me I'm wrong!

[gyrkinlens]

Budley12, I'm sorry you are in such a crappy, yet strikingly similar situation, as myself. I had put all my eggs in the 'fairytale ending' basket, and I sort of took it for granted that we'd always be together, too. I figured that after being separate from each other for a few months, we'd realize our mistake and 'need' to be with each other again (we had been long-distance for a good portion of the relationship, I thought the same longing would kick in again). That longing kicked in for me, but not for her. In fact, to the point that she decided that she didn't want anything to do with me.

Which, of course, does wonders for my opinion of myself, let me tell you...

 

We also share all the same friends, so it's awkward. I don't live in the same town as any of them right now, but when I visit, and anytime I talk with them on social media, it sucks because all my memories with them, are also with her. She's been an integral part of my life for the last seven years, and I wish sometimes I could just erase everything, but it's too much and I can't 'get over it' because that means literally completely starting over!

 

I know how you feel about seeing them. I haven't seen her in person since she left in July, but getting snippits of stuff on Facebook is always 'fun.' She's lost a ton of weight, is more happy than she's ever been in her life, and while she isn't in a relationship, I'm sure she's found other partners by now. I guess...I was stupid to think I would be hard to drop. Watching someone you love be inordinately happy and fulfilled for the sole reason that YOU are out of their lives completely is the worst feeling I've yet experienced.

[gyrkinlens]

Chi town, it was an issue for much of the relationship. I could never seem to make her happy, and the pressure that put me under as she became more and more impatient, simply made things worse. The fact that I was always near a nervous breakdown due to the stress from my last year of college didn't help our sex life either.

Of course, by the time I was out of school and I could really focus on these problems, it was too late, and I think in her mind she had already made her decision.

Because of this, I'm incredibly wary of stepping out there. If anything, I got worse at sex as time went on, and far less confident as it began to sink in that nothing was working...and that I was generally horrible at getting new things to even halfway work.

 

Also, just out of curiosity, are you male or female? I was just wondering what perspective this is coming from, haha.

[CaliBabe]

I am a 25 year old female and have always had a crazy sexual appetite. I was with my ex for over 5 years and our sex life was pretty great, we tried new things and always both climaxed.

 

Well... We ended up breaking up... So here I was alone, was with the same person for YEARS, who I also thought I would end up marrying. But, he was gone. I felt VERY self concious about how I was going to proceed with someone else, I questioned myself quite a bit as well and felt self concious. I ended up meeting someone new and it clicked well. And we ended up clicking in bed too! Pretty amazingly. So, now that you are caught up on who I am, our similar situation and where my experiences lie I will get to the good stuff. This is what will help you with what you were asking.

 

1.) You NEED to take care of yourself. In every sense. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Get to the gym and make sure to get yourself into the best shape of your life. Give it all you've got. Make sure you are groomed well and dressed well.

 

2.) The above mentioned things will help get you with confidence and give you a more postitive outlook on life. Women are attracted to confident men who are very sure of themselves (not in a cocky way), and have overall positive vibes. Positive vibes become contagious and women want to be around men like that.

 

3.) WATCH PORN. You wanna learn new moves? What women like? What people are doing in the bedroom? Watch porn. I know they are professionals so it won't be EXACTLY the same, but you will have a better idea. You can learn alot.

 

4.) Read, do reasearch on sex. I've read many books on relationships and sex, and how people communicate with eachother as couples. Not only do you want to stimulate a woman sexually, you want to stimulate her brain. Mind F**K her so to speak.

 

5.) Talk to your friends. I don't know how men are or how they speak to one another but if you have really close friends that you feel comfortable talking to ask them for tips and advice. Women usually have a very good support system and can talk about anything and get great advice.

 

I think the key thing for you is to gain some self confidence. When you believe you are the sh*t, you will make others believers too. I know my advice might not be easy or conventional but I just wanted to help and possibly give you some ideas. Good luck in the healing process, I really hope things work out for you.

[robkris8079]

I read the sex section here. It's great because women and men chime in with issues, idea's, etc. I have read plenty of it and gotten quite a few tips that really worked. I had a really good sex life with my ex and always wanted to make sure it stayed that way so that forum helped. Just weed out the nonsense and your good.

 

Sadly after being with someone for so long where you know exactly what works and doesn't and not afraid to talk to about it, it gets scary entering into this new world. Though a new partner would be exciting, I miss knowing the exact spot, speed, motion, and positions that drove my ex to screams, moans, and tears of joy.

 

This reminds me I really need to clean all the hand prints off the wall above the bed.

[Reddice]

Well... I haven't tried it myself, but a friend of mine pointed out a programm called "Superman Stamina". He dowloaded the programm, followed it and says it helped him a lot. I'm thinking of doing the same, just for the sake of it. Even if I don't get better, I will surely not get any worse I suppose.