Redbul Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I just joined LS and Im sure this has been addressed a million times before but here goes.... I started dating this man last Sept. It was one of those situations that you immediately know you are going to fall for this person... He was from a different state, had just moved here to do a fellowship for a year at a local hospital. He was extremely polite and reserved and had a typical "surgical personality" I.E, not seemingly too excitable or emotional. We went on a first date and immediately felt a great connection, he is admittedly quite a bit younger than me but it was not an issue for either of us at the beginning. We had a surprising amount in common, from cooking to books, music, philosophy and had great physical chemistry from the start. I was smitten right away, but because of his low-key manner I played it cool, and he seemed to move very slowly, I.E calling once or twice a week and maybe texting a few times a week. I was fine with that and understood he was a busy Dr and kept busy with my own activities. He would call alot and be very expressive randomly and then I wouldnt hear from him for up to 10 days. I finally expressed my confusion, not in an accusatory way but more like "If youre not into this lets just be open and let it go". I came to repeat that phrase so many f**cking times I cant even count.... Because as soon as I brought it up he started coming up with lame reasons why he wasnt more available... Work( he did work alot but much of it was picking up extra electively), gym time, didnt have his phone etc...In between this pushing back he would be very intimate with me, talking about his fears, his family, his dreams, how into me he was, all the things we would do together...As soon as I would let go he would text or call and act like no time had gone by at all. When I would bring it up I started feeling slightly insane because he would act like he had no idea what I was talking about, nothing unusual at all. He also brought up the fact that we were in different places in our lives and that I had already been married and had 2 children and he was hoping to have kids one day. I agreed I was over the baby stage and since he was only going to be here for a year I wasnt really looking at it in those terms. We had a tiff over this and I apologized and asked him to keep our plans for his bday which was the next week. He agreed and we went out and things were totally normal (I thought) We kissed, had dinner, had a great time, had sex and then poof... he didnt call me for over a week. I asked if anything was wrong and he was shocked by that and said "It was over weeks ago" and that the sex just happened... Hmmm... 2 weeks later, still missing him I texted him asking how he was and he said "my dad died yesterday". At that point I just offered support and backed off to let him grieve with his family. I would check on him every few weeks and he would always respond right away and seem sad and appreciative. I tried to be a friend and he would say he missed me and how he wished I was there, or he would say he didnt think we should get together because he would want to have sex. I always said ok and that I could not be a fwb's to him. We did not get together for 4 months, but always kept up with the back and forth... I really cared for him and thought he must feel the same at some level to keep in touch and be excited seemingly to hear from me. We talked recently and he told me he was leaving in July to go home. I was sad and told him Id love to see him but Id leave that up to him... He said he'd like to and we got together the next week. He evidently had in mind that we might hookup because he kept joking about it, saying "we can come back to my place and NOT hookup"...haha... I really planned a nice friendly night but he immediately acted like we were on a date.. Kissing me, holding my hand, flirting etc... Of course stupidly I had sex with him, but really believing that we were getting back to dating... NOPE!!! Nothing from him for 10 days... i felt totally ridiculous and like a fool. What was all that about? Just to get laid? Oh and he told me about all the women cooking for him, and chasing him that he has no interest in which made me feel like crap and also.. "Is that what he sees me as?" I never saw that side of him before. I finally texted him a "That was crummy" text last night... He said "what was?" Obliviously.. I said he shouldnt have slept with me if he didnt have feelings for me anymore cause I still had feelings for him and he knew that.. He went on to say he didnt know I had feelings for him and he was sorry and he thought we could just hang as friends. Do I have the right to be pissed off or is it basically "guys will be guys" and get sex from someone they have lost feelings cuz they can???
Author Redbul Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 I just wanted to add that he always told me from the beginning that he "never chases anyone"and for me to call him, let him know when Im free etc... Lest I appear to be completely ridiculous for pursuing this guy.. Add that to his dad dying suddenly and his grief and his job as a physician i gave him a lot of passes on bad behavior....After we slept together last he even talked about taking a trip together and asked when we would see each other again...Arrrgghhhhh!!!!
mike588 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Your story is hard to read...to follow...break it up in paragraphs.
Author Redbul Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Sorry... It wont let me edit it for some reason...
bretthernan Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 It sounds like he has reservation about you two being suited to each other. If he has reasons to not get into a relationship like the fact that he was only going to be in your area for a year then it's unfortunate for you that he didn't make a conscious decision not to hurt someone's feelings by allowing them to get close to him. As that's what he has done it indicates an uncertainty in his thinking, not just a callous and outright rejection of you as a person. Being young, he may be inexperienced in these matters of the heart and so he may not have thought through this aspect of his life, as being a doctor does take up most of your thinking time, including the part where you make your own life decisions. A lot of health professionals are so caught up in the urgency of their day to day life and death decisions that they are running on 'consciousness auto-pilot'. He was lonely and needy when he arrived in a new place and you were someone who offered him the kind of love and support he'd had at home but now he's leaving he has to reassess whether you're the one he wants to settle down with. His reluctance to continue in a relationship with you may be just from those aspects of his thinking coming to the surface. Sometimes, young people idolize the romantic attachments they are going to make in their future lives and when someone comes along who doesn't check 'all the right boxes' that they've made mentally they have reservations about changing their plans. Apart from that fact you get on well, share the same interests and he feels comfortable about opening up emotionally to you. Obviously in your mind (and the minds of anyone else who's got a few relationships to have learned this from) you are well suited to each other. But, because he's still slightly immature in these matters he's not seeing it. (I don't want to be presumptuous and excuse me if I am) but, I would imagine that you already know well from experience that in a relationship you never get exactly what you want and that if you can't accept aspects of the other person that don't fit your mental image of the perfect partner then you're going to find yourself going through a lot of conflicts and broken relationships. The dilemma you face is that he hasn't yet arrived at that point of realization in his thinking. Some people never do. Maybe he will. It could be that. I hope for both your sakes that this works out because he will regret it one day when he looks back and it's obvious already that it's already upset you.
bretthernan Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 About the paragraphs- it's not recognizing that aspect of the formatting for me either today:eek:
Author Redbul Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 Wow.... That was incredibly insightful and I appreciate your words more than I can express.... What you said about his idea of this "perfect mate" is something I have heard him describe so many times.. He's not that young, he's 32.. but I felt he was very naive in terms of relationships and life being something that you would see in a movie. The perfectly matched partner coming into his life at the exact right moment, living in Paris, having babies , travelling around the globe and living this idyllic lifestyle that rarely exists in reality. He basically devalued any of his past relationships (me included obviously) because we weren't perfect in his eyes.. The fact that he closed his mind to a future with me because I was married before and had children made me feel totally like damaged goods. Thats how he acted toward me. For my own reasons that triggered me to feel I had to prove myself to him to be worthy... Ridiculous in retrospect. I think the incredible depth of our interactions and then the complete lackthereof and coldness was what Im so hurt over and confused by, but you're right its probably just a reflection of his own inner confusion. Thank you again sooo much for your insight!!!
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Wow.... That was incredibly insightful and I appreciate your words more than I can express.... What you said about his idea of this "perfect mate" is something I have heard him describe so many times.. He's not that young, he's 32.. but I felt he was very naive in terms of relationships and life being something that you would see in a movie. The perfectly matched partner coming into his life at the exact right moment, living in Paris, having babies , travelling around the globe and living this idyllic lifestyle that rarely exists in reality. He basically devalued any of his past relationships (me included obviously) because we weren't perfect in his eyes.. The fact that he closed his mind to a future with me because I was married before and had children made me feel totally like damaged goods. Thats how he acted toward me. For my own reasons that triggered me to feel I had to prove myself to him to be worthy... Ridiculous in retrospect. I think the incredible depth of our interactions and then the complete lackthereof and coldness was what Im so hurt over and confused by, but you're right its probably just a reflection of his own inner confusion. Thank you again sooo much for your insight!!!he sounds like a dullard. Like you have to pull teeth to talk to this guy.
Author Redbul Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 Hahaha...No he's most definitely single...Although I wish in some ways he would have been shady cuz then I would have just written him off like that! 1
blindesided Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Your situation sounds similar to mine. I too fell hard for him & deep down I knew it wouldnt be forever - I just assumed the realtionship would run its course before he broke up with me - I am 38 (divorced with a 12yr old son)- he is 35 (never married - no kids) Things were great for 6 mos - he was very loving, caring attentive - always making future plans - we saw each other every chance we got - he initiated most times - then one day out of the blue he tells me he cant see a future with me - wants to find "the one" and get married & have kids (I am done having kids & not really looking to get married either) He wanted to remain friends - since we never fought had great times - but I cant do that right now - I know he started seeing a younger girl - she might still be in college from what I gather. The lesson I took from this relationship is to be very careful of dating a guy with no kids - as shallow as that sounds - or maybe if he is older & never wanted kids. The younger ones for the most part arent going to be looking to settle down with an "instant" family & I thought I was ok with that since I didnt want to settle down either - what I didnt count on was my heart doing the opposite of what my head was telling me. And yes guys can have sex & feel "nothing" for you.
Author Redbul Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 Actually he was anything but a dullard... He's incredibly bright, writes and produces music as well as being a physician, a great cook, insightful, sensitive and extremely well-read and unfortunately amazingly beautiful, athletic and great in bed:(
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Actually he was anything but a dullard... He's incredibly bright, writes and produces music as well as being a physician, a great cook, insightful, sensitive and extremely well-read and unfortunately amazingly beautiful, athletic and great in bed:( how great can he be if he waits upwards of 10 days to contact you after being intimate, leaving you to question multiple times what's going on in this relationship.
Author Redbul Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 The thing is blindeside... I get that they want to start from scratch, so to speak but they know going into it what the situation is, so why even date someone you see as being unacceptable? If the fact that we are older and have children is a dealbreaker thats fine but TELL US THAT!!! And I felt the same way... Im not looking for a daddy for my kids, but a compatible partner. We WERE compatible and he would always tell me he was more interested in me than anyone else he had met here.. But I guess people change their minds or dont really know what they want. Sadly, he may realize it someday (probably not..) and it will be too late 1
Author Redbul Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 Well, Bewitched, obviously there is something missing... He's far from perfect. He has hurt me repeatedly over the last 7 months with seemingly no clue as to having done so, so scratch the sensitive part.. But my point is he's quite captivating or else he would not have kept my interest to this point 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Well, Bewitched, obviously there is something missing... He's far from perfect. He has hurt me repeatedly over the last 7 months with seemingly no clue as to having done so, so scratch the sensitive part.. But my point is he's quite captivating or else he would not have kept my interest to this point these guys know how to get'em but they don't know how to keep'em. I just feel you were used. Glad he's not around to confuse or hurt you anymore.
blindesided Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 I know - I cant figure it out either - mine told me he kept waiting for the "love" feelings to develop - but they never did. I guess I buy that to an extent (I dont think I was in love with him either - I cared a lot for him but wasnt looking for anything more) - but I also think that part of him not seeing a future with me was that I had a child - even though he claimed that wasnt true. I think for next time I will be more careful of who I date - if we are in 2 different stages of our lives - I might pull the plug early rather than go through this heartbreak
Author Redbul Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 I think the point made earlier about younger people sometimes having this romanticized vision in their minds of relationships plays into this. If you havent been married, many of us believe it will be this fairytale- from meeting someone and "knowing" immediately that this is the person you will marry, to this perfect relationship, the perfect babies, at the perfect time which we know is utter nonsense. The reality will never live up to that illusion, no one is perfect, babies are incredibly stressful and maybe you will not even be able to HAVE babies... Who knows?? So if he had that ideal in his mind (he probably did, as did mine) then we would not fit in to their plan. My ex is a total perfectionist and lives his life based on trying to create this idyllic existence which he is 100% certain he will attain. If he came back to you and said he was wrong, what would you do??
blindesided Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Thats a tough one & I have asked myself that same question. When we talked one night about him finding "the one" I told him I didnt think it existed - but everyone has the right to go out & try to find out for themselves. My head tells me - not to go back to that situation since nothing wouldve changed - he still would want kids & I cant have anymore nor would I want to have more - actually we did break up & then 2 days later got back together with the understanding that we werent exclusive (we never defined it to begin with & I was A-ok with that - I liked the option of seeing other people - even though I never did) Well that back-fired on me when 2 weeks later he said he met someone & wanted to see where things went with her & wasnt good at dating more than one person. So hopefully my head would win out & I wouldnt go back to him - even though I miss the crap out of him & all the fun we had. sounds like your ex is going to be a 50 or 60yr old bachelor - he will never attain perfection in anyone but wont give up trying. How about you - would you go back?
Author Redbul Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 You know what??? Im not saying this to be mean, but I really believe he will indeed be a 50 year old bachelor. I wonder why some people have the disease of no one ever being good enough or making them feel what they want to feel... I could be totally wrong, he could be completely different with someone else. He would always tell me he's never had issues like these before IE not being attentive enough. So maybe it was me... Im realistic to know if he doesnt feel enamored with me by now, he never will. I think thats what clicked for me finally... I had been turning myself inside out for him, from the beginning because it was never natural for me to be ignored. I was used to men who showed me they were interested or they werent... What I felt with him was incredible powerlessness because he always was seemingly indifferent, he could take me or leave me... He had the ability to walk away which I didnt and it put me one down from day 1. What a horrible scenario I lived with everyday trying to make sense of his warm (not even hot) and cold behavior. It is true that the one who loves less is in control of the relationship, I only pray I grow stronger and become more in control of my ability to walk if someone treats me badly.. This last time after trying to please him and be cool, kind, undemanding, my best self, I still wasnt good enough. Thats when I just gave up, so Im praying for gods strength to help me stay away from even talking to him.
blindesided Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Have you guys officialy ended it - or are you still waiting around for him to get in touch with you? I would say if it hasnt ended - that you end it & go no contact. If not - you will never move on & always live in limbo waiting for the call or text to come. It sounds like the bad outweighed the good. I remember dating a guy who would only call when he wanted to & would make or break plans at last minute - it was so horrible - I learned alot from that realtionship & I hope to take away something from this most recent one too (not sure what that would be quite yet though)
threebyfate Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 There are two sides to this story Redbul. My question to you is why would you allow him to treat you this way over a 7 month period, where his bad behaviours manifested right out the gate?
Author Redbul Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 I think it was the combination of the fact that because of his profession I understood he was busy and he explained how he needed time to decompress after working 12 hour shifts and didnt always want to talk which I understood. I tried to be laid back and not freak out over his lack of contact, he said he was into me and wanted a relationship, and if I asked him why he acted dsinterested he said that he "never chased" and he wanted to meet in the middle, I.E me call him, ask him out, let him know when I was free instead of my comfort zone which was him pursuing me. He didnt get why I would feel insecure over his behavior and I started to feel like maybe he was just different then me and I should just relax and be happy if I heard from him. In retrospect I was dumbing down my expectations for no reason other than I really liked and enjoyed him so much. Then his Dad died and he was in mourning and out of respect I left him to do that with family and close friends. So again, my expectations got lost in there due to that. He always acted like he enjoyed me and was happy to hear from me, I guess I wanted to believe he liked me but just had a passive style in relationships. I realize now that he put me in a position of one down because I was now the pursuer in many ways by default. I thought about how sad I am tonight and I realized Im sad mostly because Its a loss of my belief of the kind of person I thought he was- a kind, sensitive, gentle person.... He is actually quite selfish, superficial, egotistical and insensitive. I think him being a doctor played into my beliefs regarding him being caring etc but he is the type of doctor that has no interaction with patients at all... So my silly hopes were dashed in the harsh light of reality but it is very sad
Author Redbul Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 Yes Blindesided, its over completely now. Once I called him out on sleeping with me and not calling me for 10 days I knew it was basically pushing him out of my life forever. Obviously he didnt really want to be there if thats how precarious it was.. He just kept saying "Im sorry" and he didnt know my feelings and thought we were just friends. I dunno, maybe its just me but I dont sleep with my friends!!! The fwb's situation is so foreign to me and I always told him that so yeah i felt duped... And used... When I said I had feelings still, he never said anything except"Im sorry" and "It wont happen again". That told me all I needed to hear. I still dont know If I have a right to be angry or I was just a fool for putting myself in that position in the first place. Id rather be angry and think he"s an ass cause Its easier to get over an ass!
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