monkeysnape23 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 My husband and I are separated. We do not live together at the moment. We have agreed to go through marriage counseling as well. I am the one that brought up the separation because I first said I wanted a divorce but then I thought about it and wanted to try and work it out for our son. I feel like I'm married to a child, I feel unappreciated for all the hard work I do, I am not attracted to my husband at all, I am a very passionate person and this is killing me to want to kiss and make love but he disgusts me. Now that we are not living together I miss him, maybe only because we have been together so long and I have gotten so comfortable with his company but I have found my self wanting to see other people to find the passion I long for. I feel horrible for this and don't want to stray. Is anyone else going through this? I need some advise!
stopdropandroll Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 If it's that loving feeling you're looking for then you should figure out how to do that within your marriage. Figure out and work on what's wrong in your marriage before you take those issues to a new relationship. Right now sounds like the "or for worse" part of the vows you made. Getting outside support can be very beneficial to working through your issues so long as you're open and willing and committed to it. My husband and I are separated. We do not live together at the moment. We have agreed to go through marriage counseling as well. I am the one that brought up the separation because I first said I wanted a divorce but then I thought about it and wanted to try and work it out for our son. I feel like I'm married to a child, I feel unappreciated for all the hard work I do, I am not attracted to my husband at all, I am a very passionate person and this is killing me to want to kiss and make love but he disgusts me. Now that we are not living together I miss him, maybe only because we have been together so long and I have gotten so comfortable with his company but I have found my self wanting to see other people to find the passion I long for. I feel horrible for this and don't want to stray. Is anyone else going through this? I need some advise!
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Counselling won't work. you have already admitted your husband disgusts you, so you have already put up an almost impenetrable and effective barrier to ever reconciling with him, and finding yourself in the same bed. Don't try to make this work for the sake of your son. That's entirely the wrong reason, and is a lie - to you, to your husband and to your son. If your husband 'disgusts you', no amount of counselling will reverse that. in fact, it will enable you to reveal precisely why that is - and just give you further proof that this is not working, and never will.
Jstub Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 My husband and I are separated. We do not live together at the moment. We have agreed to go through marriage counseling as well. I am the one that brought up the separation because I first said I wanted a divorce but then I thought about it and wanted to try and work it out for our son. I feel like I'm married to a child, I feel unappreciated for all the hard work I do, I am not attracted to my husband at all, I am a very passionate person and this is killing me to want to kiss and make love but he disgusts me. Now that we are not living together I miss him, maybe only because we have been together so long and I have gotten so comfortable with his company but I have found my self wanting to see other people to find the passion I long for. I feel horrible for this and don't want to stray. Is anyone else going through this? I need some advise! If you are not feeling any love for him, then it's exactly what you said - you had just gotten used to it and you are afraid of change.
stopdropandroll Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 That's some horrible defeatist advice. You can choose to work on your issues. You can choose how you feel about your husband and you can choose to make your marriage work. Counselling won't work. you have already admitted your husband disgusts you, so you have already put up an almost impenetrable and effective barrier to ever reconciling with him, and finding yourself in the same bed. Don't try to make this work for the sake of your son. That's entirely the wrong reason, and is a lie - to you, to your husband and to your son. If your husband 'disgusts you', no amount of counselling will reverse that. in fact, it will enable you to reveal precisely why that is - and just give you further proof that this is not working, and never will.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I don't neccessarily think that counseling WON'T work. But I do think if you are willing to take that route and try to work on your marriage, then getting involved in another relationship is not a good idea. You either concentrate on your marriage or you don't. Bringing a third person into the mix will just complicate matters worse. The specific purpose of counseling will help you realize WHY you have these feelings of "digust" for your husband. And these feelings can most definately change IF YOU WANT THEM TO. Whether or not MC means that you realize that the two of you can work through things or are better off divorced, at least it will help you to come to terms with the relationship instead of stay in limbo.
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 That's some horrible defeatist advice. You can choose to work on your issues. You can choose how you feel about your husband and you can choose to make your marriage work. I apologise if the advice sounded defeatist. but looking at it in conjunction with Lauribell82's post, it's pretty clear: i have worked extensively in counselling, and unfortunately, if one person has signed out of the relationship, it's pretty hard to get back on track with it. i was involved in couples counselling, but also individual counselling - and often, for the same people. In my experience, it was the woman who found it very difficult, when it came to physical matters, to remain in the relationship. the problem with the lack of desire/arousal/libido, lay invariably on her shoulders. Notice I say 'problem' not 'blame'..... But because there is so much involved with what arouses a woman's desire, and most women need more than visual or sexual stimulation, get the impression the OP's struggle will be long, arduous and not entirely focussed. If her husband disgusts her - then her endeavours would need to be multiplied by an incalculable amount.... coupled with the fact that she wanted to do it for the sake of their son, well... that's not the primary reason she should be doing it. she should be doing it because she 100% wants to rescue and maintain the marriage. Answering queries on a forum is not the same as being sat in front of a person. so basically, she has succinctly put her point across with brevity and directness. I answered likewise.... i never meant to be defeatist, but experience tells me that i'm actually telling it like it is. Hopefully, the OP will come back and comment. Thanks for your input though, and I can see why you have the opinion you have.
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