Is it really possible to fall out of love with someone?

[ThatDudeXO]

I always thought love is forever, for example I truly believe the love I have for my Ex will never go away because 4 months post BU, I still love her even after being rejected by her so many times and going NC for some time.

 

My ex told me, she loves me...but she's not in love with me any more. This doesn't make sense to me.

 

This is where I struggle to believe as my theory is if someone says they have fallen out of love with you, they simply never truly loved you inside out in the first place....they simply mistaken lust for love. They just don't lust for your any more.

 

Am I somewhat correct in saying so? When people say the fall out of love, they are mistaking love for lust?

 

Or is it really possible to fall out of love with someone or change as a person, which alters your feelings towards another?

 

The reason I have come across from this is because I've been the same person since I got with my ex and since our relationship went long distance, a few months down the line she "fell out of loved with me." There were a lot of things about my personality which really bugged her but she said she loved me enough to look past them.

 

So excuse me for my fairy tale view on love, I just thought love was permanent.

[wilsonx]

2 types of love

 

attachment and infatuation.

 

attachment is the friendship love

infatuation is the emotional love.

 

people fall out of love all the time. they lose control of their own emotions aka let their emotions control them.

 

so your ex is telling you, she loves you as a friend but isnt romantically in love with you

[ReneeMalcolm]

Hi there,

 

Well you are right and you certainly sound like a very sincere and sensitive person to hold such sentimental views about love. You appear to be a very honest person. She on the other hand might have used you. When someone uses another emotionally and then say that they've fallen out of love, basically they're saying we don't need you anymore. So you are right, it probably wasn't love, it was lust or she was lonely or something along those lines. You however became serious about her in the entire process, but seems like she never really gave you her heart. There's selfishness vs. selflessness.

 

However, the only way one can seriously fall out of love with another is when they find out something really bad about you or your character and they realise that you had been using them or cheating on them. In that case when someone realises that the whole scenario was mere fiction, being disheartened and emotionally devastated, their love might turn into hate.

 

In any case, from personal experience it really isn't worth running after someone! It has to be mutual. If it isn't just end the chapter.

[Philosoraptor]

I'm not sure if we ever truly stop loving someone, but love is subject to change. As people change our view is subject to as well. While we might love what a person was, we no longer feel the same kind of love for them after abuse lets say. A romantic love can turn into a platonic love, where we want the person to have all of the wonderful things in the world and in a partner, but no longer have the romantic love inside of us to provide that to them.

[flitzanu]

there's nothing wrong with having a fairy tale view of love and it being "forever".

 

problem is, your ex doesn't seem to feel the same way.

 

your ideals can't be forced onto others, and you can't expect them to behave or believe as you do.

[ThatDudeXO]

Hi there,

 

Well you are right and you certainly sound like a very sincere and sensitive person to hold such sentimental views about love. You appear to be a very honest person. She on the other hand might have used you. When someone uses another emotionally and then say that they've fallen out of love, basically they're saying we don't need you anymore. So you are right, it probably wasn't love, it was lust or she was lonely or something along those lines. You however became serious about her in the entire process, but seems like she never really gave you her heart. There's selfishness vs. selflessness.

 

I don't know why but I feel as if I can strongly relate to this scenario right here.

 

In a long email explaining the breakup, she said she has become and independent woman and doesn't need a man to hide behind any more and doesn't want a boyfriend. I guess that makes sense but I wish I never got so attached.

 

Thank you for the valuable input!

[ThatDudeXO]

there's nothing wrong with having a fairy tale view of love and it being "forever".

 

problem is, your ex doesn't seem to feel the same way.

 

your ideals can't be forced onto others, and you can't expect them to behave or believe as you do.

 

It's not whether ideals can be forced or anything like that, the topic was questioning the concept of "falling out of love."

 

I just don't think it's possible if the love is real and when someone claims to have fallen out of love, they have mistaken love for lust.

 

I just wanted to hear what people's inputs/opinions are on the idea "falling out of love".

[TaraMaiden]

"I am in love" means "I want me to be happy"; "I love" means "I want to make you happy".

[ReneeMalcolm]

It's my pleasure - no need to thank me. I don't understand how a person can be so close to someone emotionally and than just metamorphose. Saying things like I've become independent etc sound like an excuse honestly speaking. When you cannot understand what to say or how to get rid of someone you say things like I've realised what I was doing; or you started it; or I'm a different person. Anyway, let her be - maybe she's going through a phase and she really wants to be alone. Either way, you should just keep your distance. If she tries to get in touch with you again please be careful. Once bitten twice shy!

[flitzanu]

It's not whether ideals can be forced or anything like that, the topic was questioning the concept of "falling out of love."

 

I just don't think it's possible if the love is real and when someone claims to have fallen out of love, they have mistaken love for lust.

 

I just wanted to hear what people's inputs/opinions are on the idea "falling out of love".

 

well, i think the error in this calculation is trying to apply a logical/analytical position to an emotional/abstract concept.

 

can you hate someone, and forgive them? sure.

 

can you love your child and be insanely mad that they wreck your car? sure.

 

can you lust after the hot girl at the bar and then feel rejected when she turns you down? yep.

 

emotions can change, quickly, daily, etc. we can go from one to another.

 

i personally believe it's less about "falling out of love" and more about "replacing" that "in love" with another emotion.

 

because you're right, if you're in love, that doesn't just easily change, but...that moment resentment creeps in...or jealousy...or hatred...

 

the feeling of "being in love" has been changed into another emotion.

 

can i fall off a mountain? yes. that's tangible and real.

 

can i fall out of hatred? yes, because my emotions can convince me to forgive and "change" that emotion.

[robkris8079]

man this thread is bringing me down and filling my head with questions of what happened in my ex's head.

 

The best I can come up with was she wasn't really "in love" with me ever. Sure it was a 5 year relationship but it was probably a lust/excitement in the beginning. Then me being her rock and support through schooling and the fact she was in a comfortable routine. Followed by her finishing her school, getting a career and really just not seeing a need for me anymore. Her life changing and not seeing me as being part of that change.

 

Man I really have no clue wtf happened. I shouldn't even be thinking about it because it doesn't change one damn thing. I am not what she want's for whatever reason.

[radiodarcy]

i fell out of love with my ex because -- quite frankly - - i had no choice. he made it clear to me when he dumped me that he didn't love me; did not want to be with me and honestly would rather be with anyone other than me.

 

of course it hurt. and it took me 8 months of solid NC to really get over him. during which i cried, raged, screamed and felt out and out awful. but he had been pushing me away and tearing me down for close to three years. as much as i loved him, i could no longer allow myself to be treated like that.

 

the love i felt for him wasn't worth the agony i was putting myself through by sticking around, hoping he would change. i don't think i lusted after him, i really did love him. i didn't even enjoy the sex- - it was too awkward. because i felt as though i had to repress my feelings so as not to scare him off and he felt bad because he didn't feel the same way about me as i did about him.

 

it was an unhealthy love that quite honestly i am glad to be rid of...

[robkris8079]

i fell out of love with my ex because -- quite frankly - - i had no choice. he made it clear to me when he dumped me that he didn't love me; did not want to be with me and honestly would rather be with anyone other than me.

 

of course it hurt. and it took me 8 months of solid NC to really get over him. during which i cried, raged, screamed and felt out and out awful. but he had been pushing me away and tearing me down for close to three years. as much as i loved him, i could no longer allow myself to be treated like that.

 

the love i felt for him wasn't worth the agony i was putting myself through by sticking around, hoping he would change. i don't think i lusted after him, i really did love him. i didn't even enjoy the sex- - it was too awkward. because i felt as though i had to repress my feelings so as not to scare him off and he felt bad because he didn't feel the same way about me as i did about him.

 

it was an unhealthy love that quite honestly i am glad to be rid of...

 

but why did he fall out of love with you? Or was he never really in it?

 

My situation everything was fine and dandy. Talks of future, showing affection, lots of sex, making plans then BAM. I'm sure the thought was on her mind before she went distant and cold but I will never know why or for how long. I can pinpoint the change in her behavior to one specific weekend.

 

I like you am forced to quit this love I have/had for her. But I am forced as were you. But for the one's who just fell out on their own is there really an answer? There was no abuse of any kind, no huge fight, etc. One thing maybe is since her being younger, now having a career, not ever living on her own and being with me for so long she want's independence and freedom and live it up. Want's to see what else is out there relationship wise and living wise. Sure I like to live life to the fullest but I have a house to pay for and a kid. She has progressed so much since we first met and well, I'm me still. Sure as a person I have grown immensely but I already had my career, already owned a home etc.

 

See here I go again getting the gerbil wheel spinning. AAAHHHHH, it does me no good.

[rhymes]

I wonder this myself as well. My relationship was just about five years, and very much that same feeling.

 

She basically said she wasn't excited about walking down the aisle together and that previous actions from certain situations made her believe our future together might be difficult once we brought kids, mortgages, etc...into the equation.

 

She said she still loves me, views me as her best friend and thinks we have a million things in common - but that yes, essentially she loves me, but isn't in love with me at the moment.

 

In those situations, I'm not sure if it's being overly optimistic to perhaps view it as a phase, or something they just need time to figure out - but I find it hard to believe you can fall out of love with someone.

 

Your definition of how you loved them might change, but I think when you've shared that much time with someone, it's impossible to ever stop completely loving them, unless your relationship was a major train wreck or you did some terrible things post break up.

 

We've both been very civil, which leads to confusion on my behalf, but I do believe that is most cases, you don't fall out of love, maybe just the intensity dies down, or they get confused. Perhaps a cope out, I'm not really sure.

[radiodarcy]

but why did he fall out of love with you? Or was he never really in it?

 

My situation everything was fine and dandy. Talks of future, showing affection, lots of sex, making plans then BAM. I'm sure the thought was on her mind before she went distant and cold but I will never know why or for how long. I can pinpoint the change in her behavior to one specific weekend.

 

I like you am forced to quit this love I have/had for her. But I am forced as were you. But for the one's who just fell out on their own is there really an answer? There was no abuse of any kind, no huge fight, etc. One thing maybe is since her being younger, now having a career, not ever living on her own and being with me for so long she want's independence and freedom and live it up. Want's to see what else is out there relationship wise and living wise. Sure I like to live life to the fullest but I have a house to pay for and a kid. She has progressed so much since we first met and well, I'm me still. Sure as a person I have grown immensely but I already had my career, already owned a home etc.

 

See here I go again getting the gerbil wheel spinning. AAAHHHHH, it does me no good.

 

he was never really into it. he seemed like it at first - - he had been pursuing me off and on for close to a year before i finally caved and we started dating. for two months, he was very attentive, we hung out almost every day, called/text/IM all the time and then BAM, it all stopped. i tried asking him. he didn't even know why.

 

i hung in there for well over two years hoping things would go back to the way they were before but they never did. i think he just liked the thrill of the chase. once he got what he wanted he got bored and decided to keep me on retainer for sex until something better came along. my fault for going along with it. but hey - - i know better now.

 

i honestly can't explain why people lose interest/fall out of love. maybe the person they loved was a distraction at the time from whatever they were going through. at any rate it doesn't really do any good to ask why. half the time they don't even have the answers either...

[chris24]

My situation everything was fine and dandy. Talks of future, showing affection, lots of sex, making plans then BAM. I'm sure the thought was on her mind before she went distant and cold but I will never know why or for how long. I can pinpoint the change in her behavior to one specific weekend.

 

See here I go again getting the gerbil wheel spinning. AAAHHHHH, it does me no good.

 

Same situation here. I can honestly pinpoint it to one day as well, when I noticed a 'shift' in her behavior, I mean, after being with them for so long, you realize those kinds of things. She eventually dropped the line, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" and "You did nothing wrong."

 

In my situation, of her being away at college, we lost that chance for intimacy, and not the sexual kind, just the spending time together, being around each other, etc. We were set up for failure, even if we wanted it bad enough, it put a strain on both of us. My situation is different, in the sense that, in Summer, me and my ex will be living in the same town and next year going to the same school - she has made it clear, she is going through a phase right now that and doubting many things in her life, not just this. It will be interesting to see if her feelings change about this come that time, but I can't sit around thinking they will.

[gotye]

I think the type of love can change

 

and good love can last forever, just have to find that person who will want to be with you for forever