Reedes Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I need advice on how to stop being envious of friends. I am in medical school and am paying for it completely on loans. I have over $200k in student loans, which will probably take me at least half of my life to pay off. I earned a scholarship to an Ivy for undergrad. My parents paid for the other part of the tuition and living costs. They spent about $80k on my college education, which I am grateful for. After college, my parents cut me off. I have not lived at home since high school. Not sure why, but most of my friends in medical school (who are aged mid-to-late twenties) are receiving a free education. Their parents are paying for everything, including their living costs and tuition, amounting to over $200k. They will never have to worry about paying off loans. Recently, this has been bugging me the more I realize that it will take me 20+ years to pay off my student loans. I really hate feeling envious of others and know that I should be more grateful of what I have been blessed with. I have never been envious of people before and I know it is unhealthy. Does anyone have any advice on how to stop being envious of my friends?
Star Gazer Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Law school grad here. After graduating high school, my mom paid my cell phone and car insurance, moreso out of convenience than anything else. Otherwise, I was pretty much on my own from 18 on. And like you, I was surrounded by fellow students whose education was completely funded by their parents, and they graduated with no student loan debt.
Author Reedes Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Law school grad here. After graduating high school, my mom paid my cell phone and car insurance, moreso out of convenience than anything else. Otherwise, I was pretty much on my own from 18 on. And like you, I was surrounded by fellow students whose education was completely funded by their parents, and they graduated with no student loan debt. I thought more people would be like us. I didn't care or think about it much before, until all of this debt amassed and realized just how much it is and how long it's going to take to pay off. It's just making me depressed. I was really surprised to find so many (I would say 80% of my friends have a full-ride from their parents) in med school who are going for free. I wish I could stop being envious. I know it's not healthy.
bentnotbroken Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I am the oldest of 4, so anything my parents did was more for emotional support than financial support. The education is mine, the benefits of that education is mine, so the loans that go with all that is mine. It is enough for me to know that my parents loved me and wanted me to succeed. Their encouragement was immeasurable. Yes, the debt is huge, but so was the sacrifice on my parent's part. At what age should we send out children on their way to figure it out on their own...I wish I knew. I am still helping to support 2 kids in college. Never compare your journey to someone else's because you have no clue what they are giving up to receive that assistance.
setsenia Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I know EXACTLY what you mean. I am going to private school, because with CSU tuition hikes, going to a private school is only $100 more per unit and I don't have to deal with impacted classes or majors. However, financial aid paid my way through community college and I am taking student loans for my 2 years in private school. Thankfully my H and I will only have $50k of debt combined when we graduate next year. My dad is in Real Estate and he's constantly talking about how the economy is picking up and he might get a 9k commission here and 25k commission there. It really pisses me off, because I've been struggling financially since 18. He tells me I could have lived at home, but he neglects to understand he emotionally abused me so much that I moved out the day I turned 18. All my friends are older than me slightly and all receive assistance from parents for school and housing costs, even living away from home. My dad likes to brag about what he did for me until I was 18. Hello? You were obligated to support me until I was 18, nothing to brag about there. When he tried to claim he supported me through college, I cut him off right there and said he hasn't helped me with college whatsoever.
Author Reedes Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 I know EXACTLY what you mean. I am going to private school, because with CSU tuition hikes, going to a private school is only $100 more per unit and I don't have to deal with impacted classes or majors. However, financial aid paid my way through community college and I am taking student loans for my 2 years in private school. Thankfully my H and I will only have $50k of debt combined when we graduate next year. My dad is in Real Estate and he's constantly talking about how the economy is picking up and he might get a 9k commission here and 25k commission there. It really pisses me off, because I've been struggling financially since 18. He tells me I could have lived at home, but he neglects to understand he emotionally abused me so much that I moved out the day I turned 18. All my friends are older than me slightly and all receive assistance from parents for school and housing costs, even living away from home. My dad likes to brag about what he did for me until I was 18. Hello? You were obligated to support me until I was 18, nothing to brag about there. When he tried to claim he supported me through college, I cut him off right there and said he hasn't helped me with college whatsoever. My dad paid $500 in child support a month until I was 18, even though he was making $100,000 at the time, because he found a way to hide his real salary from the family court by making questionable adjustments.
Author Reedes Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 (edited) Never compare your journey to someone else's because you have no clue what they are giving up to receive that assistance. I know my friends pretty well and it doesn't seem like they are giving up anything for the assistance. Their families are simply happy to give it. Edited April 3, 2012 by Reedes
setsenia Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 My dad paid $500 in child support a month until I was 18, even though he was making $100,000 at the time, because he found a way to hide his real salary from the family court by making questionable adjustments. Totally! My dad brags about how much he makes all the time and then gets annoyed when I ask him why he doesn't help me or my brother out. My H overheard him say he made 1.1 mil in 11 years and that if he didn't have kids, he'd have more disposable income.
FitChick Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I put myself through university with loans and scholarships. I've been self-supporting since I was 18. I thought there was a government program where part or all of your loans for med school would be forgiven if you agreed to work in poor areas of the US. You should look into it.
setsenia Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 FitChick, I think there is. I believe you have to be making payments on your loans for quite some time before they can be forgiven. I've heard 25 or more years according to my loan information.
bentnotbroken Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I know my friends pretty well and it doesn't seem like they are giving up anything for the assistance. Their families are simply happy to give it. There will always be somethings about families that most of us on the outside will never see. For example, my mother loaned me money for a vehicle. Because she did that, she felt as if she had the right to chime in on the type of vehicle I should buy. Sometimes parents make their wishes known about the people we date, the clothes we wear, the car we drive...maybe even the school we attend, all because they feel as if they have earned the right by giving. Some people give up their self esteem, others their self control. These are the types of things I was talking about.
carhill Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Does anyone have any advice on how to stop being envious of my friends? That's a tough call. IME, being satisfied with one's own path in life can go a long way to assuaging envy and jealousy. My parents 'cut me off' at about age 10. After that, if I wanted something more than basic needs of living, along with their generous gift of a private education, I had to earn and pay for it myself, including my college tuition, first car, first house, etc, etc. So, at age 11 I was up at 4:30am most days throwing newspapers and mowing people's lawns on the weekends and after school. I went to school with a lot of rich kids and saw how 'the other half' lived. I did envy a bit but was really satisfied with my own path so learned how to process that envy, largely forming the perspective which allows me to be good friends with wealthy people today. Part of why that happens is that they sense I don't view them as wealthy but rather as people first and their money is only incidental to who they are. All of us eat, shyte and die. No one is perfect and no one is immortal. 2
Beetleguise Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 I need advice on how to stop being envious of friends. I am in medical school and am paying for it completely on loans. I have over $200k in student loans, which will probably take me at least half of my life to pay off. I earned a scholarship to an Ivy for undergrad. My parents paid for the other part of the tuition and living costs. They spent about $80k on my college education, which I am grateful for. After college, my parents cut me off. I have not lived at home since high school. Not sure why, but most of my friends in medical school (who are aged mid-to-late twenties) are receiving a free education. Their parents are paying for everything, including their living costs and tuition, amounting to over $200k. They will never have to worry about paying off loans. Recently, this has been bugging me the more I realize that it will take me 20+ years to pay off my student loans. I really hate feeling envious of others and know that I should be more grateful of what I have been blessed with. I have never been envious of people before and I know it is unhealthy. Does anyone have any advice on how to stop being envious of my friends? I got thrown onto the street the day i turned 18 and dont get a penny (Dime) of parents. U got $80k of your parents and your not happy? You need to put things into perspective..Maybe you shouldnt have gone to medical school. 1
setsenia Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 U got $80k of your parents and your not happy? That's what I thought. I haven't received a dime for my college expenses.
Woggle Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 I was on my own since 16. I was poor enough to receive financial aid and that is how I paid for most of my education. 1
Author Reedes Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 (edited) I got thrown onto the street the day i turned 18 and dont get a penny (Dime) of parents. U got $80k of your parents and your not happy? You need to put things into perspective..Maybe you shouldnt have gone to medical school. I got full rides to lower ranked universities, but my parents wanted me to go to the school I ended up attending. I could have had a free education at various places where they wouldn't have had to pay anything, but they wanted me to go elsewhere. My dad is rich enough to pay for part of medical school, but he refuses. Financial aid is also rarely given out for med school. And by "cut off" I don't mean still living at home and getting various expenses paid. I get NO money from my parents and have not lived at home since high school. Edited April 4, 2012 by Reedes
setsenia Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 I got full rides to lower ranked universities, but my parents wanted me to go to the school I ended up attending. I could have had a free education at various places where they wouldn't have had to pay anything, but they wanted me to go elsewhere. My dad is rich enough to pay for part of medical school, but he refuses. Financial aid is also rarely given out for med school. And by "cut off" I don't mean still living at home and getting various expenses paid. I get NO money from my parents and have not lived at home since high school. What's funny is that my dad insisted that I go to college as if there are no alternatives. It was drilled into my head that college isn't optional. Yet, he didn't want to assist me with the cost of it, period!
NeverDated Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 (edited) I'm $75,000 in student loan debt and I don't even have a college education to show for it. Cosigning for my ex-husband was the worst mistake of my life. How do you stop being jealous? You just stop. You aren't your friends. Your parents aren't your friends' parents. How many of your friends chose medical school - really, actually chose it - and how many were led there by parents who would pay for it? And it may seem like a sweet deal to get the parentals to cover everything, but it usually comes with a pretty nasty price. I have a friend with an odd niche degree, solely because his parents would pay for that degree alone. He didn't want it (he didn't even want to go to college), but if he wanted a place to live and continued support, he had to get that degree. Now he has his degree, is living with his parents, and they hold it over his head constantly that they "did" something for him. The money he was supposed to receive for living on his own post-graduation is being held until he can find an approved job in the tiny field AND he is married. His parents have even spoken of withholding some of the funds until he gives them a grandchild. Another friend went against his parents wishes and went to a non-approved school for his Master's degree. He figured that with what he would make when he graduated, the student loan payments wouldn't be that bad. They cut him off entirely for the duration of his Master's program (aside from $100 here or there to keep him from starving). Two years after graduation, he has no job and no job prospects, and his parents are rubbing it in his face. Same deal with money he was "entitled" to after graduation - he's not getting a dime of it until his loans are paid off and he's working a good job. Both of these friends honestly boggle my mind, but I come from a middle class family and never contemplated getting help with college, let alone money afterward. Still...for most people who have mommy and daddy pay their way, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Edited April 4, 2012 by NeverDated english fail
rainy day woman Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I know it's hard not to be envious but try to remind yourself that what is the norm among your friends may not be the norm generally. Most of the people I know had parents who paid for undergrad but not grad. My parents agreed to pay for my undergrad but after I graduated and found a job my dad asked me to help them out by assuming my own loans. I did and I actually felt pretty good about it. It wasn't a whole lot, in my case. It took me ten years to pay it off but my father was retired and living on a pension so I was glad to take the burden off of him. As a parent of two small children I'm trying to save for college and it would be awesome to pay for undergrad (or at least a significant part of it) but after that they will need to do it themselves. We're saving for retirement and our resources are limited--everyone's are. As a student I'm sure it's hard to wrap your head around owing so much but once you start making money you'll just get used to living with your debt and come to accept it.
Nanette Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 My folks paid a toatla of $180 for my education and whn my father died my mother insisited I pay that back to her as she had not wanted him to help me. Most of my education was paid through scholarships and the rest I paid for while working, going to school and being a Mom. My younger sisiter had about 30,00 spent on her education which she never finished as didi my older brother who also never finished. And they have never paid any of it back. All said I would rather be me paying my own way then a bum who doesn't work didn't finish a paid for education and is a drug whore. (does this help you?) There are ways to get that loan paid off by working in rural communities who deesperate,y need Drs. Please consider that .
Sugarkane Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Their parents might have paid for their education, but I agree 200% with the other posters that a lot can use it against you too.
DuchessKaye Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I also was on my own since I was 16. Though my Dad was feeding me in my whole 16 years of staying with him, I never got anything from my parents for my high school and college. I worked my ass off to finish school and support my needs when I had to live by myself. Take note: My Dad owned 5 hectares plantation of fruits and vegetables.
Eve Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I paid my own way as I did not have any support. I have no debt as I worked really hard and paid off my education year by year. Post Grad, I gained an award which covered med school costs. I support my children with their education and travel. My main aim is to ensure that they never have to have a mortgage, such as what I have had to have. What matters is that you get into what you are doing and make a life for yourself, OP. Think about and plan how you want things to go for yourself. Overall though, although $80.000 is a big contribution towards your education, it does sound like you are estranged from your parents. Persoanlly, I would be more worried about that than the money. If you want to look at this further, the key is to look back and work out when the break happened in your relationship. Often there are two different views of when or how this happened. If you want to get back something lost, this is where to start either on your own or with support from a third party. If the focus is just about the money I doubt you will get any resolution. Focus on where you are going. It may seem a lot now but seriously $200.000isn't that much money. Take care, Eve x
Els Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I got full rides to lower ranked universities, but my parents wanted me to go to the school I ended up attending. I could have had a free education at various places where they wouldn't have had to pay anything, but they wanted me to go elsewhere. My dad is rich enough to pay for part of medical school, but he refuses. Financial aid is also rarely given out for med school. And by "cut off" I don't mean still living at home and getting various expenses paid. I get NO money from my parents and have not lived at home since high school. I'm confused. Did they then tell you, back when they persuaded you to go to the school you attended, that they would pay for everything? Or did you know that you would be footing the cost and yet still go? I know this is in the past, but if you KNEW they would not pay, and you KNEW you would have a free edu elsewhere and still went to the place they wanted to go, the decision is pretty much on you. Yes, it sucks to have $200k worth of loans, but you had other options and chose to not take them. You did have a choice.
Sugarkane Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I envy the OP at least you don't have parents that never want you to leave home and think you have to be married just to do anything.
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