conehead Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 My bf doesn't flirt that often, maybe once every month or two with his friend's gf, but when he does, it hurts me to no end. He thinks of them just as jokes, but I see it as flirting. He's flirted 3 times, even after I told him not to do it again after each time. I've been with him 5 months. He apologizes afterward, tells me that he doesn't even realize he is flirting because he's been talking like that with his friend's gf for years (the girl's bf doesn't seem to pay attention to it apparently), he reassures me that nothing is going on but also tells me that I need to loosen up and be less insecure. I tell him it's not insecurity, that he is being disrespectful to me when he flirts. I just know that he will 'accidentally' flirt again, and I wonder if he does it again if I can handle it. Each time he does it, I just become more impatient and angry afterward than the time before. His 'excuse' is that he doesn't even realize he's flirted. For the past 2 weeks, I've been picturing in my head how I will feel and react if he does it again...and I imagine that it will be extremely hard to forgive him if he does. I love him. What to do?
Author conehead Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Is flirting a form of cheating to you? To me, it is...
RachR Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I don't see it as a form of cheating, but I see it as really disrespectful to do in front of your own boyfriend or girlfriend, or to do it in front of family and friends who know that bf/gf well enough even if said bf/gf isn't around. 2
wwwjd Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 It is a precurer to cheating so... yes, it is cheating. It is a lot closer to getting to cheat than NOT flirting at all. Yeah, it's fun, we're all human, blah blah excuse excuse... Why not put Flirting time back into the ACTUAL CURRENT relationship? That is a lot of fun too. Set it up to "pick up" your honey in a bar.... Walk around a different isle in the grocery store, and come back as some other person and flirt with your honey... Go clothes shopping together and flirt until you both end up in the same changing room....
Feelin Frisky Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 There are degrees. I agree with RachR. I also don't think giving a compliment is necessarily disrespectful flirting--to whom that may concern. Choice of words in the compliment matter though and one should think twice about crafting such a compliment and not appear a lech.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 It's like going to a car dealership but promising you're not going to purchase any of the cars, just look and comment on how nice they look.. Or Going fishing and having your line in the water but telling others that It's ok because you're not actually fishing and trying to catch fish..If a fish bites I'm not going to reel in it, I just like sitting here pretending to fish....surprisingly, what do you think eventually happens? So It's not necessarily the "act" of cheating but It's a stones throw away from actually initiating in a form of actual cheating...like getting a girls number, or talking to them as If you were single. If he's willing to flirt in front of you, then imagine what he's willing to do behind your back. The friends gf he probably likes and enjoys the little tension created by flirtatious remarks, the bf is probably just oblivious to it, doesn't care, or just a push over. Bottom line is it's disrespectful to you, an appropriate compliment is one thing but a continuous pattern of flirting is eventually going to lead into trouble...It shows the man has no restraint or control over what is appropriate and doesn't even have the common sense not to do it around you, which even after being told he continues to do it and laughs it off...is a bad sign, you'll prob just whine about it to him all the time but it doesn't seem he takes you serious Every man I've ever known or seen be a flirt on a regular basis eventually gets himself into trouble in a relationship...although when women are on the other side of it they view this as "charm".
FrustratedStandards Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 No, I don't think so. If it's harmless flirting then I couldn't care less. If it gets very sexual in nature then it's still not cheating, but I would find it very disrespectful. 1
Leigh 87 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I love analogies haha It really is like taking a kid to a toy store and saying they can look but that you will not cave in a buy them a toy!... WHen the kid is really cute, do u think u could resist? Flirting is essentially finding a girl u have chemistry with ( if your a guy), and a girl you KNOW you " feel it for", and you would go for if you were single. Flirting is finding a girl you feel a connection with that you WANT to explore; when you feel it, you talk freely and easily, and talk to a person the way you would talk to a girl you are interested in having sex with. Essentially, flirting is the part you experience with a girl BEFORE you hook up with them! You both establish a connection that interests and intrigues you. Really, flirting is asking for trouble, and should only be done by those men who truly do have stealy self control mechanisms! The men who really do just get off on the thrill of the " chase" with women, and love their girtlfriends enough to KNOW they will NOT flirt at all, if they get actual emotional feelings for any women they flirt with. Very few men flirt without the self control to eventually lose control and fall for a women that intrigues them and compells them enough. FLirting IS what a guy does when they " feel" chemistry and desire to have sex with a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They certainly do not do it to women they would not want to sleep with... My boyfriend can talk and have interesting conversations with women; he can think highly of them and enjoty talking to them, WITHOUT acting and feeling like hooking up with them. Flirting has the edge, where the two parties involved are essentially having sex through conversing with one another.
Kuen Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Flirting with someone is fine as long as you know the barriers and he will respect your own feelings.
oaks Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 No, I don't think so. If it's harmless flirting then I couldn't care less. If it gets very sexual in nature then it's still not cheating, but I would find it very disrespectful. Yes, this.
ascendotum Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 For some people it can be a little hard not to flirt because its becomes second nature over time if they have been single for a while, or its just part of their personality. IMO flirting is not something that should stop once you become in a relationship...for both partners. Flirting does not have to have an end goal of having sex. It makes the other person feel good about themselves and also if they respond positively back, make you feel good as well. To answer your question, I do not see flirting as cheating....though as RachR said, it can be disrespectful. I've been in relationships where the girl was insecure and would get agro whenever I flirted (not sexual) with another girl, and I've been in one where the girl didn't mind in the least with me flirting with others (I felt she saw me as more desirable because other women did), and she also flirted with guys (to make me a bit jealous and probably as a little ego boost as well). I knew it was her bubbly personality nature and it didn't worry me at all, becuase she knew where to draw the line. These days, I'd much rather have the 2nd type of relationship with a woman who is secure in her sexuality and trusts me. If he's flirty only with this one girl, then its a bit of a different story. If he flirts with women in general then you are reading too much into this and forcing him to crimp his personality. From what you wrote, it does sound like its mainly just this one girl. There are different degrees of flirting and like a number of issues on LS I am sure people have different definitions of it. Is he just over complementing her, or does he make sexual innuendo with her?
betterdeal Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 It depends on what conditions you are comfortable with. If you have discussed it with the other person, let them know how you feel about it, and they continue to do it, that's disrespectful, and respect is a hugely important part of any successful relationship. That said, this is your relationship so the conditions (and therefore the behaviour, and actions of your lover) that you accept is up to you to decide. Just like some employers want you to turn up in a suit while others are happy with jeans and t-shirt, different couples will have different levels of comfort with flirting or any other behaviour. Don't be hoodwinked into anything. A typical response from someone when confronted with a complaint about their behaviour is to tell you you're wrong. They may do this by saying "it's just a laugh" or "it means nothing" or "lighten up". You're not wrong: your feelings are real and valid. They may, of course, decide that flirting is harmless fun for them and maybe they need a better suited lover who agrees with that. In that case, better for both of you to move on until you do find someone better for you. Sometimes people are very engaging. This, to me, isn't flirting. They may grab someone's attention because they pay full attention to them, but flirting consists of sexual cues, hints, suggestions, jokes and so on. But you may still find being with someone who is very engaging uncomfortable. Again, this is your relationship so decide what you will accept and discuss it with them.
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