tanbark813 Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 I've been seeing my current gf since February. We're both 26. The issue is this: I've had earrings and an eyebrow piercing for about 5 years now. My girlfriend recently asked me to remove them when I met her parents and had dinner with them. I hadn't even thought about taking the piercings out because I'm so used to them and don't even think about them anymore, but after some discussion on the matter I reluctantly obliged. It seemed almost like lying to her parents so I wasn't comfortable with it, but went along with her request. She said she wouldn't ask again. A few weeks ago we had a casual dinner with her mom who was in town for the weekend. I left all piercings in, nobody said anything... or at least not to me. My gf's sister's wedding is in two weeks and my gf asked me to take out the eyebrow piercing but she doesn't care about the earrings. I've agreed to, but I wanted to see what other people would do in my shoes. On the one hand I don't want to provoke any fights, but on the other hand the whole issue seems retarded. It should also be said that I was raised in a much different household than hers. Her family is Catholic and generally liberal politically. I was raised in a very unreligious household with Republican parents. Not that that makes a big difference, but just giving some background. She also feels the need to hide her tattoo from her parents whereas I could come home covered in ink and metal and, after the initial ribbing from my Dad, my parents wouldn't care one way or another. As long as I'm happy and living a good life, they're 100% supportive. Anyhoo.. before I get more offtrack here: What kind of minor things are you willing to change of yourself to please your SO and keep the peace?
HokeyReligions Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 It's called respect. I wouldn't have any problems not wearing earrings or eye-brow rings or any other piercings, or covering tattos when around the family of someone I care about. It doesn't change you, or change her opinion of you -- it's simply respectful. No different than not swearing around her parents even if you swear all the time when you are with her or with your friends. It's polite. As for the wedding -- if her family is reserved about that sort of thing, then don't wear the piercings because it may distract attention from the bride and that would not be respectful. If her family visits you at your home, or goes to a club or social activity where the majority of people are attired similarly to you, then by all means, wear what you want. They will (hopefully) recognize that you are polite enough, and care enough about their daughter to show your respect for her feelings when you are visiting them or moving within their circle of family/friends, by not wearing the piercings.
StartingAgain Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Piercings are a fashion statment nothing more. Personally, I view piercings as self-multilation, and won't have anthing to do with a woman who would pierce any part of her body other than her ear lobs. And tatoos completely skeeve me! But that's me and piercings and tatoos do seem to be very popular. A wedding is an event that you clean up for. Usually they are formal events and it would not be appropriate to wear your piercings. Here's a question for you to ponder. Almost everyone I've ever known who has got piercings, eventually let them grow closed. This is something almost everyone grows out of eventually. You state yourself that you'd grown so accustomed to them that you'd forgotten them. So it doesn't sound like they mean much to you anymore. Which means more to you? Your piercings or your girlfriend? You're right. The issue is retarded. This isn't something that has any importance at all. There will be plenty of far more serious issues to deal with as the two of you go through life together. Would I change somthing fundamental about myself for a woman -- something like my spiritual beliefs? No, absolutely not. Would I give up somethng as superficial as a piercing for her? You betcha.
Author tanbark813 Posted June 15, 2004 Author Posted June 15, 2004 SA, you're right, they don't really mean anything to me. They're purely superficial. It's funny that you mention religious beliefs though since she's also asked me not to mention I'm not religious around her family. Also, she's asked that I tone down my Republican beliefs around her friends who are mostly Democrats. So I guess my main concern isn't just the piercings, but the multiple requests to cover up something about myself. I just don't like the trend that's starting to form.
krbshappy71 Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Possibly this will sound unrelated to the conversation, but I was always taught not to discuss religion or politics with those whom I am not familiar with. It was the two topics to keep under wraps due to the the deep roots they have in people. I'm not telling you to change who you are, and what you believe in, but perhaps some things you are saying are offending others and you certainly would not offend her friends intentionally, right? I would try changing the subject if they are the ones bringing it up when you get together. It is a two-way street. They should respect your effort to change the subject to avoid conflict. She should appreciate your efforts to do so. I understand your concerns that she is trying to change you. Take baby steps, accomodate as you can, (hopefully she is doing the same for you?) and keep those lines of communication open. I think it was very nice of you to respect her request about the piercings, I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision and yet now it has blown over and you two are still together and in love. Definitely worth the accomodation, I would say. You wont lose yourself, you are obviously already keeping your eyes and ears open to see if this goes to far. Trust she has good intentions and tune into your intuition in each circumstance. Giving in is not giving up.
moimeme Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 If 'who you are' is someone who doesn't believe he should be considerate of others' feelings or beliefs, then perhaps changing that would not be the worst idea. This whole business about not changing yourself is such bull. Who of us is that great that we can't stand a little improvement? And, in my books, behaving civilly among people, including not spouting off beliefs that will upset them, is an improvement for anyone. Of course, if you believe in being honest and someone wants you to lie, that would be a change you would not want to make but there is absolutely no point to clinging to every behaviour, habit, twitch, and utterance as some sort of symbol of 'you' that must absolutely not be changed.
CurlyIam Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Originally posted by tanbark813 SA, you're right, they don't really mean anything to me. They're purely superficial. It's funny that you mention religious beliefs though since she's also asked me not to mention I'm not religious around her family. Also, she's asked that I tone down my Republican beliefs around her friends who are mostly Democrats. So I guess my main concern isn't just the piercings, but the multiple requests to cover up something about myself. I just don't like the trend that's starting to form. I think I understand your concern. You're a bit afraid of her turning you into someone you're not, from your image - piercing - to your convictions. All I am saying is that for instance she asked not to mention you're not religious, didn't ask you to say the contrary or to believe. About politics: I find that a bit hilarious, but I do know and I respect the fact that in the States it is a big deal. You can and should state your position while around her friends -e.g you're a Republican, so that they know- just don't explore the subject. I think I am willing to change little things about myself for my bf: things about my appearance, mostly - he likes me to have my hair free on my sholders. I found that a bit odd - like why does he even care about that, but now I find it funny. Or the parfume I wear (yup, he hated my last one, but since it was his business kissing my neck, I tried to be a more comprehensive) or... talking to his friends about the economy (ta da!!!). To me it's little things, they don't make me feel anyway near strange... Didn't even think of it too much until I read your post !
Author tanbark813 Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 Ok, thanks for the responses. To moimeme: I never said I wasn't considerate of other people's feelings and beliefs. I'm not the one asking somebody to bend to my opinions. It's the other way around. What about being considerate about what I believe? Nobody seems to give a s$#@ about that. And I don't "spout off" my beliefs. My gf's friends and family have been known to bring those subjects up and she was suggesting how I should react should the need arise. I'm not looking to start any family fights here, I just think I should be entitled to my opinions and beliefs as much as anyone else. Apparently, not everyone in this world is that open-minded.
moimeme Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Apparently, not everyone in this world is that open-minded. Exactly, and maturity means that you realize that some people cannot and will not be open-minded or tolerant so, rather than insisting they 'respect' you, you accommodate them instead. It's called taking the high road. It's called giving others some slack. It's called accepting what you cannot change and having the wisdom to understand what it is you cannot change - and people's attitudes can be the most unchangeable things on the planet. However, if people wish to approach every situation as a battle of rights in which they must always have theirs, fine. It will land them in a lot of conflicts, earn them a lot of anger and hostility, and in the end, they'll not be that much farther ahead. It's much easier in life to pick one's battles, and insisting that one's opinions be respected by people who are unlikely to respect them is generally one of those unwinnable battles.
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 TanBark, My SO has a few piercings, himself. He comes from a traditional family who, at first, had a hard time understanding "why" he felt the need to alter his appearance so drastically. Upon getting his first (and only) tattoo, his grandfather was so alarmed that he wrote a long, hurtful letter to "J" which caused a big rift in the family. He questioned "J's" integrity and character…and here was a guy who had never done drugs in his life; had a college degree; was an honor role student; was earning more money in his first year at work then the combined income of his entire family, AND was fully independent --- owning his own home by the time he reached his late twenties. It devastated and hurt him that someone so close to him would think so little of him in spite of all he had accomplished. But "J" became all the more adamant about not conforming to other peoples expectations. He liked being different, so he went on to get his piercings. HOWEVER, out of respect and love for his family, he would remove his jewelry every time we went for a visit if he knew his grandfather would be there. I’m the one that protested…telling him that he shouldn't change a darn thing just to make a grumpy ol' man happy. But "J" was quick to correct "me"…saying that it was not only out of respect for his grandfather, but out of genuine concern for his family. He was worried that Pap would create undo stress for his mother and father and said it was just easier all around to "take the high road," as Moi said. The day finally came when it was his family's turn to visit OUR home. I convinced "J" to leave his jewelry in this time…(tongue ring, nipple rings, and all six earrings!) I told him that while it's one thing to be "respectful" while in someone else's house…he should feel comfortable being HIMSELF in his OWN home. If Pap decided to throw a fit and cause a scene, I would be the first to kindly ask him to leave. "J" was worried sick. It took him hours before he finally worked up the nerve to take off his shirt and climb into the pool so he could play with his niece. And you know what?---It worked out exactly as I had predicted. Pap didn't even make a squeak. He said absolutely nothing…not then, nor anytime since. Now "J" no longer worries about forgetting to remove his jewelry…and he is now his Pap's favorite grandson! Small steps, TanBark. Small steps!
Author tanbark813 Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 I see what you're saying and I don't really disagree. But I, personally, find it very hard to respect the opinions of people who don't respect mine. Maybe it's a pride thing, I don't know. "rather than insisting they 'respect' you, you accommodate them instead" -- It seems like this is giving someone preferential treatment for having a character flaw. "insisting that one's opinions be respected by people who are unlikely to respect them is generally one of those unwinnable battles" -- I agree. It's not that I'm trying to change their minds necessarily, it's just that my usual approach is to do what I want and if someone has a problem with it then it's just that: their problem.
Author tanbark813 Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 So basically you're saying, once J left his jewelry in, he became the favorite grandson. Gotcha. I guess I just don't see how conforming to the beliefs of an ignorant person is "taking the high road". To me, that seems like "giving up".
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 No...not necessarily "giving up," TanBark. I suppose I see it more as a small compromise. Then again, I don't think its good to make huge issues out of small things...UNLESS, of course, your jewelry defines who you are. I think if this is a major issue for you, then you should stand up for what you believe in...but not be so surprised if your met with a little resistance. I'd be more worried that the issue would then shift and become more about your attitude than your jewelry.
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