live4luv Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Hello forum. This is my first time going public about the problems that I've had in my marriage of almost 11 years, but at this point I think it would be valuable to get feedback from people outside of my circle of friends and family. My husband had an affair on me 5 years ago with one of his coworkers and I caught him and forgave him.Two years later after he promised that he would never do it again, he cheats with another coworker (different job) I forgave him for that. Two weeks ago I discovered that he was texting her after he told me that he would have NO contact with her. I'm frustrated with his behavior and am ready for a divorce. Will he ever change? What should I do? Also he told me that nothing sexual went on between him and his ex-mistress and that they were just conversating, but the text messages were in my opinion flirtatious in nature. He asked her if she had cooked and he was reporting to her his every move. He also told her tht he had a vivid dream about her. He keeps denying that there is anything serious between them. I've explained to him that he has violated trust too many times and now I don't believe a word tht he says.Also he is trying to minimize what he's done. In my opinion he is not doing anything to show TRUE remorse. I'm begining to think that I've married a sociopath.
jenwantsbabywade Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 (edited) Hello forum. This is my first time going public about the problems that I've had in my marriage of almost 11 years, but at this point I think it would be valuable to get feedback from people outside of my circle of friends and family. My husband had an affair on me 5 years ago with one of his coworkers and I caught him and forgave him.Two years later after he promised that he would never do it again, he cheats with another coworker (different job) I forgave him for that. Two weeks ago I discovered that he was texting her after he told me that he would have NO contact with her. I'm frustrated with his behavior and am ready for a divorce. Will he ever change? What should I do? Also he told me that nothing sexual went on between him and his ex-mistress and that they were just conversating, but the text messages were in my opinion flirtatious in nature. He asked her if she had cooked and he was reporting to her his every move. He also told her tht he had a vivid dream about her. He keeps denying that there is anything serious between them. I've explained to him that he has violated trust too many times and now I don't believe a word tht he says.Also he is trying to minimize what he's done. In my opinion he is not doing anything to show TRUE remorse. I'm begining to think that I've married a sociopath. I have been where you are, my previous marriage was to a technical sociopath. No accountability/responsiblity for their actions, emotionally manipulative, lack of empathy (seriously, no empathy), etc. I hate to say this, because I have been where you have been in my distant past...but the relationship will end. It will. The fact that he continues to do it, you're aware of it and he has no genuine desire to stop, let alone any sign of remorse, he will absolutley continue to do it. The scary thing for you is, if you are from time to time being intimate with him, and he is sexually involved with other women, he will bring that home to you w/ NO care in the world whether he could be introducing an STD into your marriage. Trust me, it is scary. When I discovered all of the women my ex had been w/ (w/out the use of a condom w/ the other girls), I was sick to my stomach. I was getting tested for everything under the sun every few months because I was so paranoid. Thank god and I am okay, I mean seriously...Thank God that I didn't inherit something from his stupidity and lack of respect and care for me (as his wife). I can't stress it enough, protect yourself (intimately)...and do everything you can to get a solid support system --- it will not get better and I hate to sound so cynical, but unless he starts showing 'genuine' remorse for his actions, he will absolutely continue what he is doing. I am truly sorry for what you're going through. Edited April 3, 2012 by jenwantsbabywade misspellings 3
Kidd Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I'm afraid I don't much disagree with the previous poster. You have forgiven twice and here you go again. I'm sorry you find yourself here. It sucks but you are not alone. I hate to ask if you have children; not sure it much matters
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I'm afraid I don't much disagree with the previous poster. You have forgiven twice and here you go again. I'm sorry you find yourself here. It sucks but you are not alone. I hate to ask if you have children; not sure it much matters I can if you have kids it'll be harder to divorce.. But your husband has proved to you more than once that he is not capable of being a good husband to you. He's cheated on you twice, with two different women. He has issues and is broken inside.. This isn't your fault. He's taken advantage of your faith and trust him after you forgave him the first time. He isn't worthy of another chance. He certainly isn't acting like a loving man to you!! Sorry for your pain. I hope you can find the strength to divorce. Rely on family and good friends to get you through this. 3
Author live4luv Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Thank you for your great insight into this!! I strongly agree with you. I must admit thought that it's very hard to move on. I'm entertaining the idea of moving out of state to get away from him and start my life over. I guess I just have to get over the fact that he will probably NEVER be the husband that I desire or deserve. I'm not sleeping with him anymore (I have no desire to) and that has helped alot as far as me being able to clear my head.
nofool4u Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 husband won't stop contact with ex-mistress Then make your husband and X husband. And take half of what you are entitled to with ya.
KathyM Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I think it's time to start respecting yourself and not allowing this in your marriage. He does not have respect for you. He thinks he can do whatever he wants, and you will believe whatever he says. It's time to take back your life and expect the man you are married to to be a faithful husband. This guy is not that man. He has shown himself to be a serial cheater. He's not going to change, no matter what you do. Time to cut your losses and move on. And I would suggest you move closer to your support system--family and friends, and not be moving out of state where you will not know anybody there. You're going to need them to help you through a separation, if you decide to go that route. 1
Lauriebell82 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Thank you for your great insight into this!! I strongly agree with you. I must admit thought that it's very hard to move on. I'm entertaining the idea of moving out of state to get away from him and start my life over. I guess I just have to get over the fact that he will probably NEVER be the husband that I desire or deserve. I'm not sleeping with him anymore (I have no desire to) and that has helped alot as far as me being able to clear my head. It will most definately be hard to move on, but you will see in time that you are better off. You deserve a husband who you CAN put all your faith in trust in and who will never abuse that trust. Don't sell yourself short of what you deserve. Don't exepect him to change (even if he tells you he will) because he has already proven that he does not want to. I'm sorry for your pain, but it will decrease over time and you will realize that leaving him was the best thing you ever did for yourself.
2sunny Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I think it's time to start respecting yourself and not allowing this in your marriage. He does not have respect for you. He thinks he can do whatever he wants, and you will believe whatever he says. It's time to take back your life and expect the man you are married to to be a faithful husband. This guy is not that man. He has shown himself to be a serial cheater. He's not going to change, no matter what you do. Time to cut your losses and move on. And I would suggest you move closer to your support system--family and friends, and not be moving out of state where you will not know anybody there. You're going to need them to help you through a separation, if you decide to go that route. This. This is good advice...
2sunny Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I'm afraid I don't much disagree with the previous poster. You have forgiven twice and here you go again. I'm sorry you find yourself here. It sucks but you are not alone. I hate to ask if you have children; not sure it much matters This doesn't even give a suggestion as to what she can or should do... Let me guess- have her stay and take all his crap for the sake of the family? That is what you encouraged Ninjas Husband to do. Last time I checked - one person in the marriage shouldn't have to be a whipping post to validate the cheaters bad behavior.
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Fool me once more fool you, fool me twice, more fool me......
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 If you decide to stay,make it really clear that he should *never* contact the other women ever. If they contact him, he should show you the messages, or tell you about it immediately. I would start doing some serious spying, get an online profile for your cell phone. I'm with ATT, I can see every text that comes in or goes out (not the messages, just what the #s are) Check emails, get the passwords, etc. Become a super sleuth. Or of course you could just call it quits. Just don't make it easy for him to stay in the M and cheat at the same time. He needs to understand how important no contact is. Things can regress whether they mean it to or not if they are still in contact.
nofool4u Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Then make your husband and X husband. And take half of what you are entitled to with ya. Type, should have read, "Then make your husband AN x husband"
carhill Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 See how he feels when a guy with a gun shows up to serve him a divorce filing. That oughta be telling.
Steen719 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I hate to sound so pessimistic, but he has done this twice to you (that you know of) and is still talking to the ex AP, all in a span of 11 years. I would hate to think you will be in this same position in another 11 years.....oh, that is 22 years, the time I was married to a 2 timer!! As my brother said to me "Lose the loser" after the 1st time.....wish I had listened. Fool me once more fool you, fool me twice, more fool me...... I have never heard it put that way...I like it, I like it a lot I don't know...honestly and seriously, it is difficult to see how this will change in the future. Sorry for your pain...go forward.
irin Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 oh honey why are you even asking this question? time to call a lawyer! you deserve much more than this! sorry for your pain.
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Sorry to hear what you are going through. You cannot win this battle. Your husband will do whatever he wants to do without any concern for your feelings. Divorce is the only option. Don't act impulsively, prepare your move carefully. 1
HeavyHitter Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Hello forum. This is my first time going public about the problems that I've had in my marriage of almost 11 years, but at this point I think it would be valuable to get feedback from people outside of my circle of friends and family. My husband had an affair on me 5 years ago with one of his coworkers and I caught him and forgave him.Two years later after he promised that he would never do it again, he cheats with another coworker (different job) I forgave him for that. Two weeks ago I discovered that he was texting her after he told me that he would have NO contact with her. I'm frustrated with his behavior and am ready for a divorce. Will he ever change? What should I do? Also he told me that nothing sexual went on between him and his ex-mistress and that they were just conversating, but the text messages were in my opinion flirtatious in nature. He asked her if she had cooked and he was reporting to her his every move. He also told her tht he had a vivid dream about her. He keeps denying that there is anything serious between them. I've explained to him that he has violated trust too many times and now I don't believe a word tht he says.Also he is trying to minimize what he's done. In my opinion he is not doing anything to show TRUE remorse. I'm begining to think that I've married a sociopath. She's not an ex-mistress if he's still seeing her and in contact with her. Divorce him.
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