My Theory On Men

[Leigh 87]

It depends on the guy. Some guys always want to be able to sleep with any woman they can. Some guys are happy with just one really great woman.

 

 

 

My boyfriend is in two minds about it; he is happy to be only with me, but prefers the varity a 3 some brings. He also does not want to go around with many women.

[kaylan]

I was barred for making a joke while talking to you. So either you or some else didn't find it funny.

 

I havn't reported you for basicly implying some one who isn't monogomous is slutting it up around town but you can see how its completely insulting. As opposed to me getting ban for making an obvious joke I won't repeat as I'm not in the mood to get ban again.

I noticed that it was right after that obvious joke that you got the boot. It couldnt have been from just that harmless joke. The mods prolly had their eye on you for a while. Either way it wasnt me who reported it. The only time I report is when someone makes an outright racist, sexist, or otherwise bigoted comment.

 

And dude, youve seen enough of my posts to know I dont have a problem with people slutting it up if they want to. I have fun when Im single myself, although within reason...so why the hell would I care what others do with their sex lives? Stop reading so far into what I said.

 

You could report me, but the mods would simply ignore it since I havent broken any rules whatsoever.

Edited April 3, 2012 by kaylan

[Dust]

I noticed that it was right after that obvious joke that you got the boot. It couldnt have been from just that harmless joke. The mods prolly had their eye on you for a while. Either way it wasnt me who reported it. The only time I report is when someone makes an outright racist, sexist, or otherwise bigoted comment.

 

And dude, youve seen enough of my posts to know I dont have a problem with people slutting it up if they want to. I have fun when Im single myself, although within reason...so why the hell would I care what others do with their sex lives? Stop reading so far into what I said.

 

You could report me, but the mods would simply ignore it since I havent broken any rules whatsoever.

 

I have no idea how the mods work. Normaly its only 5 points for something but I must have hit a nerve cause they had that joke quoted and about wishing you were a woman..... and it was 15 points

[Leigh 87]

I noticed that it was right after that obvious joke that you got the boot. It couldnt have been from just that harmless joke. The mods prolly had their eye on you for a while. Either way it wasnt me who reported it. The only time I report is when someone makes an outright racist, sexist, or otherwise bigoted comment.

 

And dude, youve seen enough of my posts to know I dont have a problem with people slutting it up if they want to. I have fun when Im single myself, although within reason...so why the hell would I care what others do with their sex lives? Stop reading so far into what I said.

 

You could report me, but the mods would simply ignore it since I havent broken any rules whatsoever.

 

 

 

 

My boyfriend and I also have fun while single, too; but within reason also... Not hooking up with girls you meet a club ( albiet, occasional kissing is ok, but to take a strange home? Not for me). The type of girls who do this, even if they are smoking hot, would be a turn off, unless it was a one night thing, a once off experiement, whereby they are in a funny mood and have a lapse in judgment.

[Leigh 87]

I dont know why you're worrying about this OP , you will most likely not even remember whoever your boyfriend this month is 10 years from now.

 

Women are just as, or maybe even more promiscuous as men. Atleast in my generation (although I've been seeing a lot of slutty broads in their 40's and 50's, sadly for them). Women too, are always looking for the next best thing, wanting to experience new sensations, blah blah blah...they want to **** a hotter guy in other words. Some women take it to new extremes, like having some guys gang-bang them, then telling people they were raped when their boyfriend finds out

 

 

 

 

 

I have been with him over a year and will definately remember him for much deaper reasons than a person like you can probably grasp.......

I will always remember him as the guy who helped me recover from a mental illness I had that almost killed me.

He also brought out my true personality, when I was a shell of a person.

I could go on about how he has changed my life, so at the very least, he will be the catalyst that got me out of the dark part of my life.

[Andy_K]

Here's how it works for me.

 

If I'm in love with a girl, REALLY in love with her, I won't be able to have sex with anyone else.

 

But... this isn't because I don't find them attractive, or I wouldn't enjoy it on some level, or I wouldn't have some sort of urge to. All that is still there and probably wouldn't ever really go away.

 

No, the reason I wouldn't want to is simply because I couldn't betray a girl like that. I couldn't go through with it and cause that sort of pain, especially when the girl I loved would be the one I'd much rather be having sex with anyway.

 

Guys who cheat most likely think the same way, but have a less developed sense of compassion and moral responsibility. I agree with you that it doesn't necessarily mean they don't love their partner.

[Leigh 87]

Here's how it works for me.

 

If I'm in love with a girl, REALLY in love with her, I won't be able to have sex with anyone else.

 

But... this isn't because I don't find them attractive, or I wouldn't enjoy it on some level, or I wouldn't have some sort of urge to. All that is still there and probably wouldn't ever really go away.

 

No, the reason I wouldn't want to is simply because I couldn't betray a girl like that. I couldn't go through with it and cause that sort of pain, especially when the girl I loved would be the one I'd much rather be having sex with anyway.

 

Guys who cheat most likely think the same way, but have a less developed sense of compassion and moral responsibility. I agree with you that it doesn't necessarily mean they don't love their partner.

 

 

 

 

Thanks Andy K:) I really appreciated you sharing your perspective!

 

My boyfriend would never do something that would hurt me.

He would never cheat on me behind my back. He too, describes how he would feel sick at the thougth of hurting a girl he loved ( I am the only girl he has truly loved to this extent)

We both feel sick at the thought of the other person going out and hooking up when the other person is not present. For us, it is not natural and a big no no.

Tp us, 3 somes are a way I feel is optimal for us, based on his stage of life; he is in the partying stage and travelling stage, where he wants to feel young for the last 5 years of his 20's, and not have to have one girl forever, sexually.

He is emotionally devoid to other women, out of his desire to maintain our special bond. We both know what is acceotable for us innately, without that much discussion. We seam to be on the same page thank goodness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think some men are really weak characters, and cheat even on girls they truly love.

[oldguy]

I don't believe that most people, men or women, who are "really" in love, that first stage love, want to cheat.

 

How close are the two of you in age?

 

Admittedly I have no idea who you are or what your personal norms are but when you said; "I will always remember him as the guy who helped me recover from a mental illness I had that almost killed me".

"He also brought out my true personality, when I was a shell of a person".

"I could go on about how he has changed my life, so at the very least, he will be the catalyst that got me out of the dark part of my life". It made me think of something called transference which is a loose psych term that refers to positive, intense feelings for another person who is helping you with important issues in your life. I had to think, for just a moment if this might be part of what your feeling; a feeling of being grateful & even a bond for all he has done for you & at the same time a sense of guilt for what you perceive his wants or needs are?

[Professor X]

he does not have desires to cheat when I am not around.

 

I do not want a guy who will stray, or cheat behind my back.

So, if I understood it right, it's fine if he cheats in front of you?

[ascendotum]

When a man is truly in love, do ALL Men in love, TRUE love, lose ALL desires or inclinations, to ever have sex with other women?

Its so hard to make blanket statements with your questions. I would say they dont lose the desire, but it gets pushed to the back the of thier mind. If a pretty girl walks past them in the street, it still registers but not to the same degree of desire to want to imagine themselves naked with her.

 

I believe some men meet truly remarkable, amazing women, who they dearly love and are IN love with, and STILL cheat.

I agree, but I don't think its a big % of guys though..when you say 'dearly in love'. Its when the lust wears off and the relationship becomes mundane that the desire to experience other women increases. They can still really love their wife/gf but more in a devoted way than a lustful desire.

 

he does not crave other women strongly or want them often, he just likes to have the option to experience other women if he wants to, rather than only have one women for the rest of his life.

I think a significant % of guys would be like this...if they could.

 

Do all men, once they find the right girl, suddenly " change" the point of life they are in?

No not all men by any means, some do some don't. A lot of guys like security & stability and having a wife/gf + kids + dog + house...they hate dating or being single.

I know guys who were total playas, but are now happily married men...they got their fill in their 20s and married their ideal woman who is devoted to them, and they are very happy with life. Other guys I know that slept around until they found a great girl to marry, became the devoted husband + father, then ended up getting divorced, and went on the rampage in their mid 30s. They're one woman guys but that stage of their life just went into hibernation.

[somedude81]

So, if I understood it right, it's fine if he cheats in front of you?

Leigh, I do hope you realize that he's not cheating on you, (lets assume that he's not) because you are letting him have sex with other women.

 

If you were to put an end to the threesomes, I guarantee he would start cheating.

 

BTW, since your relationship started. Including you, how many girls has he slept with?

 

How many men have you been with?

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, I do hope you realize that he's not cheating on you, (lets assume that he's not) because you are letting him have sex with other women.

 

If you were to put an end to the threesomes, I guarantee he would start cheating.

 

BTW, since your relationship started. Including you, how many girls has he slept with?

 

How many men have you been with?

 

 

 

I guarantee he would not cheat on me if I put an end to 3 somes. 3 somes are a " bonus" that happen maybe once or twice a year.

In the one 1.25 years together, we have had 3 threesomes. I did not see it as cheating in front of me, because cheating is crushing and something that HURTS me.

I was not HURT, seeing him with other women. We both knew the deal, what was expected, what we both wanted out of it; a meaningful connection and anything beyond sexual varity is it.

 

I have already tried to leave him, to explore other women like he would like to in this time of his life, and to either find the :" right" women who compells him to remain monogomus with her, or come back to me if I am still the outstanding women in his mind, above all other women he encounters.

Of course, I have made it clear that if he ' needs" sex with other women, that there are men who only would " need" me to satisfy them. I politely told him that he should find a girl that is so fantastic to him, he no longer " needs" any other girl in his bed.

 

I need a guy who only wants me, and accepts my offer of a 3 some as an added perk of being with me; they should be greatful that I SEE that, while they want a close, loving, and deap relationship andl ife partnership, that I do not think it is necessary to never have sex with another women. EVER. again..

I really think having sex with one person for your entire life is not an appealingt concept for many. For me, I am fine with it at this stage, hwoever, I believe some men and women are not; they crave sexual varity.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, I do hope you realize that he's not cheating on you, (lets assume that he's not) because you are letting him have sex with other women.

 

If you were to put an end to the threesomes, I guarantee he would start cheating.

 

BTW, since your relationship started. Including you, how many girls has he slept with?

 

How many men have you been with?

 

 

 

Really, though somedude.. I value myself much more highly, than being with a guy who is not in love with me enough to be satisfied with just me.

I would have to have such low self esteem, if I were to stay with a guy who would one day meet a girl who was : enough: for him, and stop enjoying the occasional 3 some... To actually not be able to do it or carry it out.

It is just HIM. He would not cheat on me, because he has told me he wants me and only me. He said he would much rather go without sex with another women than be without me.

[Leigh 87]

How many men have you been with?

 

 

To answer your final question, I have been with only 2 men in about 6 years. One was a two day fling, the other was my boyfriend.

I cannot have flings I have realized. I need to be in a relationship for it to feel right. I am not that desperate for sex or companionship, either, and never look, but rather wait for the right guy to come along.

I am by no means holding onto this guy out of desperation.. if I doubted for a second he was not very much into me, I honestly can do better.

[Leigh 87]

So, if I understood it right, it's fine if he cheats in front of you?

 

 

Why is it cheating? It does not bother me. I am all for emotional attachment, I am VERY close with him; I just see it as sex. Sex devoid of emotions. Sex for the sake of sexual varity in women.

Cheating is doing things that you are not comfortable with, and upsets the other person.

 

For instance; being cool with your partner going with other people, and your partner allowing u the same, is an open relationship, and is therefore not cheating. Of course, these types of relationships rarely work.

I do not have an open relationships. We just have 3 somes to allow him some varity occasionally, or rarely.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not sure I'm getting this... are the threesomes something you are completely, happy relaxed and 100% enthusiastic about getting into?

 

is it absolutely as much for your pleasure as his?

 

What about threesomes with you and 2 guys?

[Leigh 87]

I'm not sure I'm getting this... are the threesomes something you are completely, happy relaxed and 100% enthusiastic about getting into?

 

is it absolutely as much for your pleasure as his?

 

What about threesomes with you and 2 guys?

 

 

It is more for his pleasure, and the stage of life he is in. He would be with me if I asked and not have 3 somes, but I can see it is better for him to have them occasionally, as it satisfies his appetite for sexual varity; he does not want 3 somes regularly, but as something to do once every blue moon.

I derive pleasure from:

- watching my boyfriend have sex with another girl. It turns me on a great deal seeing him in action.

- watching girls get touched in general by a guy and seeing their reactions.

 

He will not do it with two men. I do not want other men to touch me, it feels wrong when I am in a loving relationship. It would sort of spoil or lessen what we have, for guys to touch me too.

The main thing for him, is he is homophobic somewhat... He has never had any gay friends, does not know what it is like to associate with homosexual males, although he does dislike or hate them for being gay.. he is just inexperienced with the range of his social circle.

 

The idea of seeing a guy naked in the same room as him, in close range, is a massive turn off to him. Where as I do not get turned off, and actually get turned on by watching both men and women together.

I have actually had a change of tune. It feels like having a 3 some with guys would severely lessen our relationship potential. It would in both our eyes. Where as, it really does not feel like our 3 somes with girls have diminished our relationship.

WHat does this say?

[Professor X]

cheating is doing things that you are not comfortable with, and upsets the other person.

???!?!??!?!?!?!?!!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?11111

[somedude81]

I guarantee he would not cheat on me if I put an end to 3 somes. 3 somes are a " bonus" that happen maybe once or twice a year.

In the one 1.25 years together, we have had 3 threesomes.

So you've been together for 1.25 years and have had 3 threesomes. Then he's only been with four girls, you and the other 3?

 

Ok, so they only happened once or twice a year. Not as bad as I thought.

 

I did not see it as cheating in front of me, because cheating is crushing and something that HURTS me.

Many people consider having sex with somebody else when you are not in a relationship to be cheating. Some women think a guy is cheating when he looks at porn. So it's different for everyone. For you, cheating would be having sex with a woman when you are not around?

 

I was not HURT, seeing him with other women. We both knew the deal, what was expected, what we both wanted out of it; a meaningful connection and anything beyond sexual varity is it.

Does the sight of him with other women excite you?

 

I need a guy who only wants me, and accepts my offer of a 3 some as an added perk of being with me;

That is a huge perk.

 

For men, being with one woman only is considered a required sacrifice in a relationship. It's a primary reason for why some men do not want to be in serious relationships because they don't like idea of being tied down. Being with a GF who allows him to have threesomes is basically removing the need for that sacrifice.

 

I don't there is anything actually wrong with what you are doing.

 

If the occasional threesome keeps his desire to have sex with other women in check, doesn't cheat and gets you everything you require, then I see no reason to stop.

 

they should be greatful that I SEE that, while they want a close, loving, and deap relationship andl ife partnership, that I do not think it is necessary to never have sex with another women. EVER. again..

I really think having sex with one person for your entire life is not an appealingt concept for many. For me, I am fine with it at this stage, hwoever, I believe some men and women are not; they crave sexual varity.

Honestly, I would love to be in your BF's situation. Have a great GF and be allowed to have sex with other girls every once in a while.

[Leigh 87]

I have decided that, although I believe some guys CAN find a women they are really in love with ANd be able to have a 3 some; I do not want to have anymore 3 somes, until he has literally prooved I am enough for him.

A 3 some is a lucky bonus in my opinion. And only for the men who are at his stage in life, where they appreciate sexual varity.

 

I believe my boyfriend is in that stage where he still wants sexual varity. Some guys get like this, and will not change for even their dream women.

On the other hand, some men, like my b/f, will commit to one women sexual, but will not knock BACK sexual variety on the rare occasion.

They will not CHEAT, and accept monogomy, BUT if their dream women suggests a female on female 3 some, the guy will not turn it down; he is at a stage of life where he WOULD settle with one sexual partner, but would still enjoy varity.

 

My boyfriend TELLS me he would go without 3 somes for me, and I WAS the one who suggested it, after all. I will just find this out for certain; if he has to cheat on me, when I impose the 3 some ban, then he either needs the right women, or he is not that way inclined yet, to be with one women sexually.

Once I am certain he is totally satisfied with me, and is really happy, I see 3 somes as a bonus I will give him.

 

I am 99% sure he would never cheat if I stopped being open to 3 somes, but I would like to put the time together in, to see that he is blissfully happy without 3 somes. I really do see 3 somes as a BONUS, to ENHANCE CERTAIN GUYS SEX LIVES. It IS NOT something a guy NEEDS.

I will get back to you in 6 months and probably not report any cheating incidents. If I do, then obviously you were right. He is not that into me. I still believe some men can love a women and like 3 somes, through.

[somedude81]

I have decided that, although I believe some guys CAN find a women they are really in love with ANd be able to have a 3 some; I do not want to have anymore 3 somes, until he has literally prooved I am enough for him.

A 3 some is a lucky bonus in my opinion. And only for the men who are at his stage in life, where they appreciate sexual varity.

So you are going to put a stop to them.

 

It does seem like a good test.

I believe my boyfriend is in that stage where he still wants sexual varity. Some guys get like this, and will not change for even their dream women.

On the other hand, some men, like my b/f, will commit to one women sexual, but will not knock BACK sexual variety on the rare occasion.

They will not CHEAT, and accept monogomy, BUT if their dream women suggests a female on female 3 some, the guy will not turn it down; he is at a stage of life where he WOULD settle with one sexual partner, but would still enjoy varity.

 

My boyfriend TELLS me he would go without 3 somes for me, and I WAS the one who suggested it, after all. I will just find this out for certain; if he has to cheat on me, when I impose the 3 some ban, then he either needs the right women, or he is not that way inclined yet, to be with one women sexually.

Once I am certain he is totally satisfied with me, and is really happy, I see 3 somes as a bonus I will give him.

You're the one who brings up the threesomes?

 

Try this, don't actually say anything about a threesome ban. Just stop talking about them. Wait till, or if he brings it up then tell him you don't want to do them anymore.

[Leigh 87]

Yes, SOMEDUDE - he has a great girl, we are crazy together, we are unbelievable=ly happy, more than we could ever imagine. I see nothing wrong with him having sex with other girls occasionally.

Him doing it alone, behind my back, or getting feelings for a girl is the equivalent to " cheating" to me. It feels the same as : traditional" notions of cheating.

 

However, I want to proove myself and every one else right, haah - and also, I think it is suitable that he does at least proove his love for me, by not just SAYING he is totally satisfied with only ME; but, come on, I am going to have to make him PROOVE it for a year or two.

 

He has very low desire to have sex with other women, actually. There is a lot more to life than sex to him, and he is very happy and close to me, we are a truly crazy match; I cannot see or sense that he even wants 3 somes much to begin with.

[TaraMaiden]

WHat does this say?

 

you say this:

 

because he has told me he wants me and only me. He said he would much rather go without sex with another women than be without me.

 

but you also say this:

I believe my boyfriend is in that stage where he still wants sexual varity

(sic).

 

If he doesn't know this - if he actually thinks or believes that you derive as much pleasure from threesomes as he doesm and that you are as sexually willing to be a participant as he is - without taking his desires into consideration - then you are guilty of a form of deceit.

you are making assumptions about him because the bottom line, i get form all of this - is that you don'rt believe his sincerity, and you doubt your own ability to be enough for him.

 

in other words, this isn't a whole issue about men being faithful to one woman, vs them wanting to sow their wild oats - this whole thing speaks volumes about your own self-perception.

 

this is about you, and how you perceive yourself.

[Leigh 87]

SOMEDUDE - he seldom talks about 3 somes, really. They are mostly a fantasy. He is either too lazy to put them into place ( he does tend to be a lay person in regards to doing many things), or he does not desire them enough to make a true effort to organise them.

He seams very sexually satisfied without having to bring other women into the picture; but, you know, I could be wrong. While we have something very awesome, I do need him to show me he is genuinelly happy with just me.

 

I need a guy to be totally happy with me, without any 3 somes, before I let them.. To me, it is a great bonus from being with me; they get to have another sexual partner once or twice a year, or less... They do not havw to go without an innate, in built desire that most men have.

I just do not see a reason for men to give up such a natural instinct, such as sex with more than one partner, JUST because they are in "love"

[Leigh 87]

you say this:

 

 

 

but you also say this:

(sic).

 

If he doesn't know this - if he actually thinks or believes that you derive as much pleasure from threesomes as he doesm and that you are as sexually willing to be a participant as he is - without taking his desires into consideration - then you are guilty of a form of deceit.

you are making assumptions about him because the bottom line, i get form all of this - is that you don'rt believe his sincerity, and you doubt your own ability to be enough for him.

 

in other words, this isn't a whole issue about men being faithful to one woman, vs them wanting to sow their wild oats - this whole thing speaks volumes about your own self-perception.

 

this is about you, and how you perceive yourself.

 

 

 

 

LOve your insight, but I really do think I am a crazy, amazing enough individual for a guy to be totally happy and at peace with me, and only having me in their bedroom.

Sowing his wild oats and fulfilling his fantasys is the main thing I am getting at. I do think I am enough for a guy, I Just need to make sure it is HIM.