Leigh 87 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Please read all of this, if your still interested in the topic of this post by the second paragraph. I REALLY REALLY need your input. I have a set way I think about men, and I believe I am right. However, some annoying people thinkk the way I think is wrong; that if a man truly loves a women, as much as he CAN love a person, that he will lose all his desires to have sex with other women. I do not think it is this simple for " all" men. My theory on men is logical to me, but others assume that, because they do not think like that, that I am " wrong". Here it goes: When a man is truly in love, do ALL Men in love, TRUE love, lose ALL desires or inclinations, to ever have sex with other women? I do not believe this to be a true statement; I think some men can be madly in love, and still enjoy sex with other women. MOstly men in their 20's, who are not at a stage where they think it is desirable to give up experiencing women, besides the one women they are in a relationship with. For some men, expecially young ones who have the attitude " I am still young, but not for long, and want to live life and I am not ready to only have sex with one women for my entire life" ----> I believe they can genuinely be in love with a girl, while they are in that stage of their lives. For example: when men are married or in love ( truly in love, as in madly in love), they can cheat. Does this mean the man does not truly love his wife/partner? Does it mean he will easily find another women who he truly DOES love, and lose the urge to cheat? I do not believe so. I believe some men meet truly remarkable, amazing women, who they dearly love and are IN love with, and STILL cheat. Meeting " the one" will not cure it. Here is my situation, and the way I think about men: - some men, even young men who are in their party stage and are averse to being monogomus their entire lives at that age, find " the right girl", and lose all their urges to have sex with other women. They do not want to. - other men, who are in their party and experimenting stage with women, and hate the idea of only having sex with one women their entire lives, DO meet a girl they love; truly love.... they are prepared to never have sex again for them, if it is what the girl wants. - I do not believe ALL Men fall in love, and lose their desire to have sex with other women; I believe some men are not in the phase of their lives, where they want to give up sex with all women but ONE, their entire lives. EVEN if they are truly in love. I brought this topic up for discussion, because of my believes and the fact that I met a guy who was in the stage of his life where he wants to travel the world, hook up with loads of gorgeous women when he got the chance, and not be confined to one women for years at a time. At first, we planned on taking each day as it came, and he did not change his otulook on life, until he fell in love with me. We fell in love, and he made his future about me; we both want to travel together, and spend the last remainder of our 20's partying, travelling, and living out the rest of our youthes. However, on weekends I might add, our preferred activities are : hiking, riding our bikes all day, and that sort of thing. out door things with his dogs. Partying is a once a month thing. He is not a player, or the type of guy who liked to take girls home at clubs; it felt wrong to him. While he is the type of guy who loved beautiful women and stared at every hot chick that crossed his path, he prefered to be - friend them first, make them comfortable, have a connection with them, and then have sex. Rarely would he hook up with a girl he did not know before hand. He was nto a male sl*t. Once we got very close and felt love for each other, we planned our lives together; we will travel together, live together, etc. I know what some men are like, and I did not want him to have to give up other women for his entiire life that we are together. I can see us together for many years, and I do not believe it is ideal for him to only have me, the ony women, for sex, for say, ten years. OF COURSE; he would if I wanted him to. I just do not think it is ideal for all men. I DO NOT think it is okay for my boyfriend to go and have sex when he pleases with lots of women, by any stretch. It is not okay for him to act like he is single while with me. Growing up, I have always been open to and enjoyed women, and sexual fooling around. NOthing harcore, no strap ones, but I just feel neatreal to it all. Moreover, I have a fetish to watch women get pleasure, and I have a strong fantasy of watching my boyfriend have sex with other women. What I have done is: - I recognized that my boyfriend, like some other men, is in the stage of life where, despite being in love, is not ready to have the one women for sex his entire life. He met me when he was not in the mindset of wanting to have the one girl for sex his entire life. - He did not bring it up, I just came to the conclusion that some men are int he stages of their lives wher they are not ready to settle down with sex with one women for the rest of their lives. - he does not crave other women strongly or want them often, he just likes to have the option to experience other women if he wants to, rather than only have one women for the rest of his life. To me, the situation is straigth froward and logical; I met a guy, who is in that particular stage in his life, so why can't he have a true love ( me), and also get to experience other women very occasionally? I do not want other men, I am unable to be with a man, if I am in love. I only hook up with men if I am in a relationship. Not all men are like me, though! SOme men are at an age or stage where they do want to experience sex with other women, besides the women they love. Why, if a guy is truly in love, must be lose all desires to have sex with other women? Why are they weak for wanting to have sex with other women once or twice a year, when they are deaply in love with their girlfriend? Does it not occur to people, that some men truly can love a women, but not be at the stage of their lives where they want to never experience other women ever again? Do all men, once they find the right girl, suddenly " change" the point of life they are in? From wanting to experience other women, sexually, to shunning it and becoming averse to touching another women?
SmileFace Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 The way you think, is the way you think. No one should try and change that but who exactly are you trying to prove this to? If you ok with your idea of guys, ie your boyfriend, being in a certain point in his life sobeit.
Author Leigh 87 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Essentially, my thread is about: - what is so wrong with meeting a man, who is at the point of his life where is strongly against having sex with the same women for his entire life? - What if a man falls in love with you when he is not ready to settle down, sexually? - I believe a man can truly love a women, while being in this life stage. Lastly - my boyfriend does not want to sl*t or whore about by any stretch; he is not like that to begin with. He simply would prefer to get to experience sex with more than one women, in the next ten years. - he does not want emotional connections with women, he is really averse to it. He literally just wants to be able to, in this stage of his life, experience other women sexually besides me. He only wants it very rarely, and it is not something he is compulsive about or desires much. - He feels wrong doing it when I am not present, and wants me to watch or be included in the sex. He does not like to touch or carass or please the women as such, he just purely wants a different body, a different vagina. To him, he has no desire to please a women or make them feel special. I do not see anything wrong in dating a guy who has to experience other women before settling down with one sexually. I just do not get hurt or bothered by it; what bothers me, is that people have ONE way of thining about relationships, that stipulates that a man does not love a women, if he is not in the stage of settling down sexually with the one women. To be clear: - we do not have an open relationship - he does not have desires to cheat when I am not around. - It was up to me to asses where and who he was in his life, and suggest 3 somes as a means of letting him have those last few years of experiencing other women. - he agreed he would enjoy it, but would stop at any time if I became averse to it.
Author Leigh 87 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 The way you think, is the way you think. No one should try and change that but who exactly are you trying to prove this to? If you ok with your idea of guys, ie your boyfriend, being in a certain point in his life sobeit. and it really irks me, how people have one way they believe in love; that if a guy is truly in love, as much as they CAN be in love with a women, they will just never want to have sex with any other women ever again Personally, I do not believe in polomy, it would not work for me, as I love one person truly and cannot fathom loving two at a time. However, it works for other people, I do not assume their loves are less real than anyone else love they have for their partner. Furthermore, I do not believe I could be in a truly open relationships, wherby couples feel the need to be intimate and close to other people occasionally. It would not work for me, but it works for some of my friends. I do not doubt their love is less genuine than a monogomus couple.
Kamille Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Did anything happen that made you want to write this post? Did someone say something disrespectful about your relationship? Did you hear or read something that irked you? When I read your posts, I always get the impression that something happened, and that you're writing to clarify the issue in your head. Like SmileFace said, if this works for you, it works for you. Others are allowed to express concerns, but they do not get to make the decisions for you.
wwwjd Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I'll admit I skipped half of your long post up there, but I totally get what and why you were saying in it. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH JUST BEING SEXUAL WITH ONE WOMAN YOUR WHOLE LIFETIME. The WORLD does not sell this to you because it is unprofitable from Family Law (divorce) to disease remedies. Fidelity is not profitable. That out of the way, there is no real reason to ever have more than one sex partner your whole life. Hear me out. If you find some one, love them, and learn about sex WITH them, (not by talking with others, not by porn, not by experiencing many other partners) then there is NO REASON to have to sleep around, test test the waters, sow wild oats, etc etc etc ... those waters and oats should BE WITH YOU! So you both can learn, love, play and GROW SEXUALLY together ..... without EVER HAVING THE FEAR OF COMPARISON OR WONDERMENT OF OTHERS. Think of the heartache and pain avoided. NEVER worrying if someone will stray or want someone else..... alas.... society has not trained any of us that way.... sex, one-upping, and competition are how we are raised.... greener grass, I can trade up and all that. WANTING to sleep around is a weak excuse. If "I'm not ready to SETTLE DOWN" is different from your ideals, he is not right for you. Man, I can not believe the stuff you women have to put up with! YOU CAN DO BETTER! That is crap for an excuse
Author Leigh 87 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 HI Kamille:) A couple of posters told me my boyfriend cannot possible love me, if he enjoys 3 somes with other women. I feel my boyfriend, and other men for that matter, do truly love a women, even if they have 3 somes with them.
Author Leigh 87 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 I'll admit I skipped half of your long post up there, but I totally get what and why you were saying in it. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH JUST BEING SEXUAL WITH ONE WOMAN YOUR WHOLE LIFETIME. The WORLD does not sell this to you because it is unprofitable from Family Law (divorce) to disease remedies. Fidelity is not profitable. That out of the way, there is no real reason to ever have more than one sex partner your whole life. Hear me out. If you find some one, love them, and learn about sex WITH them, (not by talking with others, not by porn, not by experiencing many other partners) then there is NO REASON to have to sleep around, test test the waters, sow wild oats, etc etc etc ... those waters and oats should BE WITH YOU! So you both can learn, love, play and GROW SEXUALLY together ..... without EVER HAVING THE FEAR OF COMPARISON OR WONDERMENT OF OTHERS. Think of the heartache and pain avoided. NEVER worrying if someone will stray or want someone else..... alas.... society has not trained any of us that way.... sex, one-upping, and competition are how we are raised.... greener grass, I can trade up and all that. WANTING to sleep around is a weak excuse. If "I'm not ready to SETTLE DOWN" is different from your ideals, he is not right for you. Man, I can not believe the stuff you women have to put up with! YOU CAN DO BETTER! That is crap for an excuse I do not believe it is " ideal" or " better" for me, if my boyfriend has to have sex with me for the next ten or more years. I do not want a guy who will stray, or cheat behind my back. I also believe it is entirely possible, for many people to just have sex with the one person their entire lives. After over a year together, sex is better than ever between us two. Time can make things far better, and has in my case.
Kamille Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 HI Kamille:) A couple of posters told me my boyfriend cannot possible love me, if he enjoys 3 somes with other women. I feel my boyfriend, and other men for that matter, do truly love a women, even if they have 3 somes with them. Let's set aside the 3some thing, since it's something you like doing. Do you feel your boyfriend loves you? Do you feel cherished and secure in your relationship? Does your boyfriend show you he loves and respects you? 1
verhrzn Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I think poly (sexual or emotional) is just a very difficult thing for a lot of people to wrap their heads around. Because most people are monogamous (outwardly, anyway), having a 3way for THEM would signify that there is trouble in their relationship, because it's a break from the norm. If someone is naturally poly, then sleeping with someone else does not mean there's an issue, because sleeping with multiple people is their natural speed. I'd suggest looking up Dan Savage. He's written a lot on monogomish couples. There's also a strong, supportive community of people who range all the way from one-person-my-entire-life to I-have-three-relationships-going-right-now.
Author Leigh 87 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Let's set aside the 3some thing, since it's something you like doing. Do you feel your boyfriend loves you? Do you feel cherished and secure in your relationship? Does your boyfriend show you he loves and respects you? Yes, Yes and Yes. There were some slip ups in the start, but that was largely because of me too; I had so many issues, I was not honestly ready to date, but he put that aside, and we even overcame his personal issues with oral sex and his immature outlook on it. I have no doubt he truly loves me.
Dust Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I think poly (sexual or emotional) is just a very difficult thing for a lot of people to wrap their heads around. Because most people are monogamous (outwardly, anyway), having a 3way for THEM would signify that there is trouble in their relationship, because it's a break from the norm. If someone is naturally poly, then sleeping with someone else does not mean there's an issue, because sleeping with multiple people is their natural speed. I'd suggest looking up Dan Savage. He's written a lot on monogomish couples. There's also a strong, supportive community of people who range all the way from one-person-my-entire-life to I-have-three-relationships-going-right-now. Dan Savage is gay and there is nothing wrong with that but it taints his advice. 1
verhrzn Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Dan Savage is gay and there is nothing wrong with that but it taints his advice. Sure, but plenty of people who post on his articles are straight and monogamish/poly. Poly for me would probably be too complicated emotionally (as in, I'd want to have poly but have my partner be monogamous), but I can't honestly say I'm not intrigued by the concept. Having an open relationship or a three-way would be an honest way to get most guys' variety needs met without sacrificing the primary relationship. If you can handle it, I'd say it's a great way to go.
Author Leigh 87 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 I think poly (sexual or emotional) is just a very difficult thing for a lot of people to wrap their heads around. Because most people are monogamous (outwardly, anyway), having a 3way for THEM would signify that there is trouble in their relationship, because it's a break from the norm. If someone is naturally poly, then sleeping with someone else does not mean there's an issue, because sleeping with multiple people is their natural speed. I'd suggest looking up Dan Savage. He's written a lot on monogomish couples. There's also a strong, supportive community of people who range all the way from one-person-my-entire-life to I-have-three-relationships-going-right-now. Thanks, I will look him up and even borrow a book from the library! I could not be poly, I am not built that way, neither is my boyfriend... we tend to be very, very close to the one person ( each other), that is our style - with a close relationship style, everything is about being close to the other person, and the thought of actually having that same closnes with another person is not fathomable.
verhrzn Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Thanks, I will look him up and even borrow a book from the library! I could not be poly, I am not built that way, neither is my boyfriend... we tend to be very, very close to the one person ( each other), that is our style - with a close relationship style, everything is about being close to the other person, and the thought of actually having that same closnes with another person is not fathomable. Yeah I know what you mean. I say "poly" to be a catch-all phrase. What it sounds like you guys are doing is more monogamish... you're emotionally monogamous, but physically, you occasionally let in a third partner. That's probably what most people who call themselves poly are comfortable with. You are by no means alone, and it doesn't signal anything bad about your relationship, so long as you're doing it in a respectful and honest way.
Dust Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I'm like vhzn I'd want the one way polly for me only. Although I fully understand why most girls woudn't want to agree to that. I actualy do find the idea of my gf/wife being screwed by some other guy kind of hot... BUT the idea also fills me with rage mostly. Its hot in some wierd reality but I know with out even doing it how angry I would get.
Author Leigh 87 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Yeah I know what you mean. I say "poly" to be a catch-all phrase. What it sounds like you guys are doing is more monogamish... you're emotionally monogamous, but physically, you occasionally let in a third partner. That's probably what most people who call themselves poly are comfortable with. You are by no means alone, and it doesn't signal anything bad about your relationship, so long as you're doing it in a respectful and honest way. Thanks:) We do not do anything behind the other person's back, in the sense of " cheating". We are very much interested in emotionally being tied together, with him getting to live out the physical e xcitment of having sex with other women. Again, it is not like he has a raging desire to go and have sex with other women often! It is more an option he would like to have at this stage of his life. Luckily for him, I think I am a good fit, in that it does not bother me one iota, watching him have sex with a girl, while I am watching. In fact, it is a fantasy I have always had, and it really turns me on to have him make it all about " me" ( gives me oral, gets really loving with me first), and then I get to watch him have sex with another girl. It is the ultimate situation for me, and it works for him, based on his life stage. People are ignorant, in that, that assume he likes 3 somes, therefore must need other women often or behind my back. He really does not have that urge, and it actually feels very wrong for him, the idea of having sex with a women without me present.
kaylan Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 (edited) You already made a thread exactly about this a little while ago. Anyways, your theory applies to some men, but not all men. Anyways, for me, if I truly love a girl, I will reserve my body for her and her alone. Im not going to minimize what we have together by slutting up the town. I dont have the desire to do that, nor do I know any women who would accept that if they had the choice. Sure I might get horny and fantasize about someone different from time to time, but those a just silly fleeting thoughts. I dont have a true desire for other women when I am in love. But hey, thats just me. Edited April 3, 2012 by kaylan 1
Dust Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 You already made a thread exactly about this a little while ago. Anyways, your theory applies to some men, but not all men. Anyways, for me, if I truly love a girl, I will reserve my body for her and her alone. Im not going to minimize what we have together by slutting up the town. I dont have the desire to do that, nor do I know any women who would accept that if they had the choice. She said her theory is that ALL men are not one way. So you're agreeing with her theory but thinking you're disagreeing hhmm how Kaylan of you. Try not to be so insulting using words like slutting it up. If you have no respect for others why should they respect you?
kaylan Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 (edited) She said her theory is that ALL men are not one way. So you're agreeing with her theory but thinking you're disagreeing hhmm how Kaylan of you. Try not to be so insulting using words like slutting it up. If you have no respect for others why should they respect you? Im agreeing with her dude. Can you not read? I dont care if someones isulted by the word slut. We are all adults here. And its funny that you are talking about people being insulting. Am I mistaken or where you not barred from the site by moderators for a little bit of time? Or did you just take a voluntary break? Either way, youve never been a saint yourself....so save the advice for someone else. Edited April 3, 2012 by kaylan
MrNate 2.0 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Essentially, my thread is about: - what is so wrong with meeting a man, who is at the point of his life where is strongly against having sex with the same women for his entire life? - What if a man falls in love with you when he is not ready to settle down, sexually? - I believe a man can truly love a women, while being in this life stage. Lastly - my boyfriend does not want to sl*t or whore about by any stretch; he is not like that to begin with. He simply would prefer to get to experience sex with more than one women, in the next ten years. - he does not want emotional connections with women, he is really averse to it. He literally just wants to be able to, in this stage of his life, experience other women sexually besides me. He only wants it very rarely, and it is not something he is compulsive about or desires much. - He feels wrong doing it when I am not present, and wants me to watch or be included in the sex. He does not like to touch or carass or please the women as such, he just purely wants a different body, a different vagina. To him, he has no desire to please a women or make them feel special. I do not see anything wrong in dating a guy who has to experience other women before settling down with one sexually. I just do not get hurt or bothered by it; what bothers me, is that people have ONE way of thining about relationships, that stipulates that a man does not love a women, if he is not in the stage of settling down sexually with the one women. To be clear: - we do not have an open relationship - he does not have desires to cheat when I am not around. - It was up to me to asses where and who he was in his life, and suggest 3 somes as a means of letting him have those last few years of experiencing other women. - he agreed he would enjoy it, but would stop at any time if I became averse to it. I see nothing wrong with this. Though, I really wish you would paraphrase these posts to make them more easy to understand. This is something I discuss with Ruby Slippers ( ) a lot. I am the anti-committal type. Always have been. Even at this stage, I can't see myself staying with one woman for the rest of my life. Also, I'd have a bit of trouble getting sexually charge about someone I'm in love with/dating. I don't know why but those two feelings would clash quite a bit. I just can't mesh them at this point. So instead of playing around and lying to myself or others, I say it's best to be honest about who you are at the core, and live life with your head held high. I am a fun-loving guy who is anti committal, who enjoys having sexy times with many different women throughout my lifetime. That is Mr Nate. And as long as I'm honest with myself and everyone, things are A-Ok.
Dust Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Im agreeing with her dude. Can you not read? I dont care if someones isulted by the word slut. We are all adults here. And its funny that you are talking about people being insulting. Am I mistaken or where you not barred from the site by moderators for a little bit of time? Or did you just take a voluntary break? Either way, youve never been a saint yourself....so save the advice for someone else. I was barred for making a joke while talking to you. So either you or some else didn't find it funny. I havn't reported you for basicly implying some one who isn't monogomous is slutting it up around town but you can see how its completely insulting. As opposed to me getting ban for making an obvious joke I won't repeat as I'm not in the mood to get ban again.
GivenUp0083 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 It depends on the guy. Some guys always want to be able to sleep with any woman they can. Some guys are happy with just one really great woman.
Author Leigh 87 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 You already made a thread exactly about this a little while ago. Anyways, your theory applies to some men, but not all men. Anyways, for me, if I truly love a girl, I will reserve my body for her and her alone. Im not going to minimize what we have together by slutting up the town. I dont have the desire to do that, nor do I know any women who would accept that if they had the choice. Sure I might get horny and fantasize about someone different from time to time, but those a just silly fleeting thoughts. I dont have a true desire for other women when I am in love. But hey, thats just me. Thanks for your imput:) I like your feedback because you are an intelligent guy. I totally respect that this is the way you feel. It is right for you. I do not believe in slutting about town, either; my boyfriend is not even like that when he is single, lol:) I guess u would say my boyfriend has no real desire for other women; he does not want to please them or hear them have pleasure, it is about him just experiencing another vagina besides my own, for the sake of varity. He does not have the desire to kiss them, go down on the girl, or even play with the nipples or such acts that indicate a guy gets off on the girls pleasure. For him, he feels it is about the option of being able to not only have sex with one women his entir elife, because he is not that way inclined in tis stage of his life. He is averse to growing up in a way... we are both child life, in that we play on play grounds when we walk past them, swing on thwe swings, and we enjoy having the child life persona, wherby children are in awe of the world around them. We can happily spend hours gazing at a rock pool and the wild life in it. We just love life and enjoy acting child like in some respects, in the way children are fascinated by the world. I think it is perhaps, his aversion to being " old", that drives his desire for 3 somes; although it is a fantasy of his, to see me with another girl. It is not really so much him with the girl, he wants to basically see me with them. Lez porn is a huge fantasy of his. Being monogomus his entire life, with sex with one women, reeks of boring, grown up stuff... He likes to feel young and hates getting older, with the lifestyle that comes with it. He loves partying, travel, having fun, being free with no kids to tie him down right now. He does not want to slut around, but 3 somes once or twice a year are something he really enjoys. Again, it is about seeing me and a girl, to satisfy his lez porn fettish, and not so much about the other girl as a person at all. Although he does like to hold on to hisimmaturity in some sense, he does like the closness and deapness of a monogomus relationship. it is very much for him. He likes being as close as humanly possible to me. We are both adventerous and want to do extreme sports like sky diving, and travelling the world and rock climbing and exploring and partying. At the same time, we are both wanting to do this together. The sense of sex with many women whilst travelling has lost its appeal to him.
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