steve76 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I started dating a girl 18 months ago, and broke up with her 6 months ago,and the hurt and anger hasnt lessened ,which I cant get my head around.We initially got very close ,very quick, and i decided after 2 months in, to join her on a vacation from Ireland to visit her father in south africa, a big step so early on but it worked out well.She started talking more and more about how we would have the perfect future how we would live together and have kids at some stage,heavy words early on, but I loved her so much I ran with it.she got on great with my family and my friends.Over the course of our time together she started to talk more and more about men in general, but in my opinion in a dispresectful manor, and the then the flirting crept in.At this stage I lost some of my confidence, we argued a bit over this situation but she still claimed it was me she wanted and how she was doing nothing wrong.She said we should see a realationship councellor to sort out the problem and she just wanted me, so i agreed to go with her.I put certain scenarios to my friends and they said "even though she hasnt cheated its a bit too heavy" some told me to walk away there and then.I confided in her that I suffered from depression and I wasnt looking for her to fix that, I just really didnt want to get messed about. Last summer we decided to go back to africa again, for the full month of august, and just before we left I had a snoop on her pc, something ive never done beforeand am NOT proud of, and found some heavy stuff writen to a guy who was in her circle of friends, a guy she talked to me about a lot.There was a lot of heated flirting and sexual innuendo in the emails. I mentioned this guy in our last councelling session a week before the trip to africa, and she cliamed he was just a friend and it was harmless banter, and confirmed that she could picture me having kids with her, and comming home to her after a days work(we didnt live together then). In afrca i had a second snoop, in her diary this time, I was torn between someone i loved deeply, and protecting myself from being further hurt.I wanted to confirm what I believed but she strongly denied.She had written "she had chemistry with this guy and feelings for him".A guy she introduced me to a few months earlier.My heart sank.I accused her of lying to the councellor and she didnt deny it.I abandonded the trip 5 days in, lost a lot of money, and wasted my vaction for the summer, something I worked all year for. I havent dealt with it properly since and have sent some reall ****ty texts, which could land me in trouble.I have heard also she has belittled me to all her friends and saying, pretty nasty stuff about me,ridculing me over having depression, etc etc.In all my time with her apart from the mutual arguments we had towards the end,i never even looked at another women and im proud to say I treated her like a absolute princess,and did everything i could to show her how much i loved her. I just cant believe how manipulated ,lied to, and sucked in I was by this person.Part of me loves her and misses her deeply and all the great times we had,and another part of me hates her to the core.I cant date other women as yet and shes still stuck in my head a great deal of the time. I dont know what to do anymore, just feel my lifes fallen apart. Shes now back with a diff guy, a ex not the guy she hitted on.Its obvious we will never talk again,let alone be together again.As people keep telling me" why would you want to be with her" I never got as close to anyone before, I loved her deeply and in a way I have never loved before,she used to say the same to me... I feel i just cant move on..............
Philosoraptor Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Right now you need to make no further contact with her. You know very well that it will bring you nothing but pain. Start focusing on yourself and pay zero attention to what is going on in her life. You know the person she is and you surely deserve more than that.
Senateguy Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 (edited) This is what a lot of women do. It's very common. It happened to me as well. The first thing you need to come to realization is that your urge to snoop wasn't some borderline psycho babble. It was your intuition and subconscious telling you something is wrong. And you learned a very valuable lesson which is your gut instincts are rarely wrong. It's your minds way of protecting your body....telling you to slow up....danger ahead. The real reason you are hurt is because you placed a lot of value in this person instead of valuing yourself. She was probably a very attractive woman, maybe a more attractive woman than you usually date. And this raised her value in her eyes and probably made you a bit needy. Your neediness probably inflamed this issue of contacting exes with her. But at the end of the day, the real issue is yourself and not her. If you thought highly enough of yourself you wouldnt' think two ****s about this girl. Ask yourself this question....If an ugly ass chick was texting her ex boyfriend behind your back what would you think? You wouldnt' give a crap and as a result she'd be less likely to do it. And if she continued to do it you would have dumped her or relegated her to to the back burner and def not taken her on trips. You need to become a man of confidence and options. Once you have confidence that you can replace the woman you are with... 1.) you will never put up with this behavior 2.) they will be less likely to do this type of crap because they will in turn see you as a man of value. Rest assured though - she will not be the last girl you date to start this whole b.s. deal of texting ex boyfriends. For some reason, women love to do it. So in conclusion....work on yourself ..... Also, don't feel one ounce of guilt for snooping. That was merely your subconscious telling you what you probably already knew was going on. What you need to learn from this situation is that the next time you're in it to walk away and find a new girl. Edited April 3, 2012 by Senateguy 1
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