beenburned Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Over the years of reading on different infidelity boards, I noticed a pattern that was repeated over and over: Drama that was definately out of proportion considering the affair was such a short term thing with minimal meetings. Why do you think this is?
Kidd Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Over the years of reading on different infidelity boards, I noticed a pattern that was repeated over and over: Drama that was definately out of proportion considering the affair was such a short term thing with minimal meetings. Why do you think this is? Because they were lying and it was really a LTA.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I'm not sure that I follow. Are you saying that the blow out that ensues D-day should be proportional to the length of the affair?
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Over the years of reading on different infidelity boards, I noticed a pattern that was repeated over and over: Drama that was definately out of proportion considering the affair was such a short term thing with minimal meetings. Why do you think this is? Intense and fast feelings/emotions, combo that with lust and the secretecy of an affair and the whole fanasty of it all = Drama. Probably why when it ends seeing as what it's based on is very hard to let go since feelings felt in an affair is addictive. 2
YellowShark Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 The "drama" is not based upon the length and breadth of the affair. IMHO while long-term affairs are generally far worse than one-night stands - (because long-term affairs involve a TON of lying and continued conscious deceit) - they both involve betrayal. And betrayal is the cruelest thing you could do to your partner. 3
Author beenburned Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 whichwayisup, Exactly what I was thinking! When you read about the OW carrying on and on about how bad this affected her and her life, then they say it was a 6 months-1 year affair.(which they chose to be in willingly) Geez, how about the BW whose long term marriage was changed forever? Or the kids that suffer from all this? Not to mention the devastation of divorce and splitting assets. The drama is definitely not in proportion to most short term single relationships!
bentnotbroken Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Over the years of reading on different infidelity boards, I noticed a pattern that was repeated over and over: Drama that was definately out of proportion considering the affair was such a short term thing with minimal meetings. Why do you think this is? I think I resent the fact that someone would think that there should be a proportion of emotions based on the length of the affair. No one knows the amount of abuse (gaslighting, emotional, physical). No one truly knows the mental health of the BS. No one truly knows the mental health of the AP(fatal attraction). All these things and more can contribute to the volatility of the situation. 1
Spark1111 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Affairs are feuled by drama. It ratchets it all up several notches; the unrequited love and lust; the secret forbidden aspects, especially if they perceive the spouse to be the replica of their mean and disapproving mommy or daddy; the thousands of call and texts...drama, drama, more drama. My H had a 1.5 year affair with a divorced mom of one. When I calculated the amount of time they actually spent together (not texting)? Probably less than 3 months of dating had they both been single and able to see each other whenever they wanted to. But OH THE DRAMA of those texts and emails....almost laughable in retrospect, especially when I discovered the affair. So I took my dog out of the fight; told all we were heading for D, told my children to respect her, and wished the two of them well. Guess what? It went psssssst in three weeks of no more drama! Jlola has written some amazing posts about it. About the volatility of affair relations: the break-ups, the arguments, we must do what is right for our families, blah, blah, blah.... So even within the affair, there is a need to keep the drama alive to fuel the hormones that create passion and romance. 1
Author beenburned Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Spark, Thanks for your post! I would like to read some of Jlola's posts. Can I look them up using the search button by her name?
Author beenburned Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 bentnotbroken, I was comparing them to a short term dating relationship with a single person. I do agree that the extreme drama has nothing to do with how long the affair lasted.(more to do with all the dynamics that make an affair different from the average dating relationship) Yes, it creates drama for the BW and kids too. Sometimes for years, especially if the spouse had a LTA! 1
Danie Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I’ve kind of wondered the same thing myself. Not trying to minimize the pain felt by anyone…but how can this be? I don’t really understand how anyone can allow themselves to become so entangled with someone they don’t really know, in such a short time. I almost think it has something to do with ‘justification’ of their actions…”if this is really love then its ok that I’m the OW because we love each other”…then somehow it makes it ok or worth it…because they love each other. What is the alternative? I'd think that's a pretty scary thought...to sell yourself out for something less than love.
Author beenburned Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 danie, That's why they say affairs can be as addictive as drugs!
Danie Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I doubt anyone has the life goal of being a drug addict just like I doubt anyone has the goal of being a mistress or the male counterpart (what is a male OP called?). I think there has to be more to it than ‘being addicted’ to the drug of choice. Most people I know who either are active drug users or recovering drug uses (abusers) all pretty much say the same thing. The drug takes away the pain of living. I totally believe that some people are addicted to drama to be able to ‘feel’ something other than nothing. I think sometimes people get so worn down by *life* that they either numb themselves or become numb to the experience of living. These are the ones who need to have drama in their lives, the one’s who become addicted to the drama…and if there isn’t enough drama they will create drama.
Spark1111 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Spark, Thanks for your post! I would like to read some of Jlola's posts. Can I look them up using the search button by her name? Yes, you should be able to. She has a family history. Her sister is on her fourth or fifth marriage? The easiest way is to find her post, and then click on her name and it will prompt a few things: One of which is "Find more posts by jlola?"
Spark1111 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I’ve kind of wondered the same thing myself. Not trying to minimize the pain felt by anyone…but how can this be? I don’t really understand how anyone can allow themselves to become so entangled with someone they don’t really know, in such a short time. I almost think it has something to do with ‘justification’ of their actions…”if this is really love then its ok that I’m the OW because we love each other”…then somehow it makes it ok or worth it…because they love each other. What is the alternative? I'd think that's a pretty scary thought...to sell yourself out for something less than love. I think it has less to do with justification, than with projection! it's almost as if both perceive what is needed and them adopt that personna. I will be (act, say, do) whoever you want me to be to keep this fantasy alive. The fOW is my sitch acted sweet, kind, spiritually inspiring, morally supportive, attaboy, you can do it when with my H. He was patient, kind, wonderful when with her; the Knight in Shining Armor she so wanted, needed him to be. It was Lords and Ladies, KISA, Romeo and Juliet, fairytale time, folks. My H has a funny, dry sense of humor. He can also be short and harsh when aggravated, but NEVER with her. She is known to be moody, dramatic, fly off the handle, angry and vindictive. BUT NEVER with him. They don't expose those parts of the personalities that they have to in any other relationship. It would so spoil the fantasy. That's why they often do not last past the fantasy portion or fizzle fast on DDAY if exposed. 3
YellowShark Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 They don't expose those parts of the personalities that they have to in any other relationship. It would so spoil the fantasy. And that's the trap. Affairs exist in the 'Honeymoon phase' because they do not involve the day-to-day pressures that you will find in any long-term relationship. So it's all wine and roses. The affair partners are seduced into this Hollywood fantasy. Always on their best behavior. That's when the clichés like "you're my soul mate" are generally uttered . (If only all that energy could be put into the relationship instead of outside of it.) But the reality is it's all just a front.. the negative personality traits are well hidden from view. But really... think about it... if they will cheat WITH you, the possibility is there that they can also cheat ON you. That's already a big red flag for me personally. I would always have that possibility lingering in my mind if I left my family.. and hooked up with an affair partner. Anyhow bottom line for me is betrayal.. when you throw the people closest to you under a bus you're gonna get drama. Doesn't matter how long the affair was going on.
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 whichwayisup, Exactly what I was thinking! When you read about the OW carrying on and on about how bad this affected her and her life, then they say it was a 6 months-1 year affair.(which they chose to be in willingly) Geez, how about the BW whose long term marriage was changed forever? Or the kids that suffer from all this? Not to mention the devastation of divorce and splitting assets. The drama is definitely not in proportion to most short term single relationships! Guess it depends on how deep feelings go. (and what they are based on) Emotional attachment and feeling addicted to someone and how they make you feel is not "in love". I'm reminded of Hs xOW writing when he dumped her "you can't do this after ALL we've been through together". An A of less than a ear, mostly conducted long distance, a handful of physical encounters, known him for less than 2 years prior very minimally. Right sweetie, after all you've been through together. Compared to bearing and burying children, living together, marriage, raisig 3 kids and juggling jobs, moving across the world, caring for dying relatives and dealing with serious illness? Having known each other about 20 years? She is dreaming. Dreaming and in a fog, but fed by MM who probably made her empty/broken promises and she believed it all. Heart and emotions/lust obviously clouds one's judgement, even more so in an affair. MM and the A was 'everything' to her and to MM it was nothing more than just an affair, filling in needs and ego. I am exaggerating obviously not all A's are like this, but the majority of them are, the more dramatic ones are. 2
Steen719 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 And that's the trap. Affairs exist in the 'Honeymoon phase' because they do not involve the day-to-day pressures that you will find in any long-term relationship. So it's all wine and roses. The affair partners are seduced into this Hollywood fantasy. Always on their best behavior. That's when the clichés like "you're my soul mate" are generally uttered . (If only all that energy could be put into the relationship instead of outside of it.) LOL...I told my XH this very thing. "If you had tried only half as hard to make our relationship better as you did to facilitate your affair with XXX, we might have made it work". I don't know about the drama. I don't think it matters how long the affair went on, but more on the people who are part of the "drama". I cried, was mad, felt betrayed and showed it.....all of it that might be called drama. I wish with all of my heart that I had immediately said what others have recommended to people on these threads. I should have immediately said "go to her and good luck". All I did for myself was make me miserable and he didn't care anyway. My reaction was really more about me than the situation. UGH I hate admitting that. But, it was. I furthered the drama with how I acted and that is one of the many things I wish I had done differently. 1
Author beenburned Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 To any former OW/MM: I am in no way minimizing the pain you felt or your perceptions of your affair. I am only baffled by the intensity of these short term/minimal relationships VS a regular dating relationship. Thanks for all the great posts! I leave on vacation today, and don't know if I will have internet service where we are going. Will talk later.
michelangelo Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I think I resent the fact that someone would think that there should be a proportion of emotions based on the length of the affair. No one knows the amount of abuse (gaslighting, emotional, physical). No one truly knows the mental health of the BS. No one truly knows the mental health of the AP(fatal attraction). All these things and more can contribute to the volatility of the situation. Maybe the amount of drama should be assessed by the number of breaths taken during the affair? Or maybe by how much wine was consumed? Personally, I want the amount of drama that is acceptable to be based on how elaborate the set of lies that were constructed. But how do you set up the judging of that? Crazy.
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