Broke up with ex, then met up, what now

[hellodearest]

Was in a good, fun, trusting relationship, however she said that she wasn't completely in love with me, though she loved me more and more as time passed. Unfortunately, we had already been dating for a year and her romantic feeling for me wasn't enough.

 

We broke up, then I went to NC for a little while, and I called her up this morning and asked if I could just come over and lay next to her. She happily agreed since she had been thinking about me a lot too. I went over and we just talked about what we had been up to and caught up on some funny moments. Then we cuddle for awhile since it was still early morning, and she initiated sex. She was emotional after sex and had tears welling up, but was laughing.

 

Afterwards however, she asked me, "Why did you call me today? I was suprised you did it" and I told her that I was surprised I called her as well, since my resolve is usually pretty strong. I told her I just wanted to come lay next to her, and I actually hadn't planned on hooking up.

 

We talked about what we wanted, and I told her that I've just realized that maybe we are working towards something. She said she wants to keep hanging out but she wants to keep it casual and stay single, at least for now. She said that her emotions/sex complicated things, but she didn't mention that we would stop doing that (although many times we have long intellectual conversations about books/music/life, we have a very physical relationship).

 

What does it mean when a girl says she wants to stay single, yet do all these relationship things?

 

Is it a safe plan to still hang out with her (taking it slow) and maybe get back to where we were? What would happen if she met someone else? Just curious what she might be thinking.

Edited April 2, 2012 by hellodearest

[EgoJoe]

It means you went from BF to dick she uses while she chases other dicks.

[Meg717]

Yea.. Sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it too. She probably wants to keep you close in case nothing better comes along.

[Chi townD]

There's someone else in the works...or there IS someone else and she just cheated on him with you and now you're the OM.

[OffandOnStillinLove]

Ok, as a girl who is more like YOU in your post, I have no idea why a girl would play this game- Im so used to guys playing game like this - this is horrible and she sounds like she is a user, and that is rotten Im so sorry.... Do you feel honest enuf with her to just flat out ask " Why are you not into a commited thing?" Or where you guys ever committed, or has it always been an "open" thing- what a mess, I m so sorry for you and Ive had a similar relationship in the past with a non-commital guy - it truly sucks

[hellodearest]

We were definitely in a committed relationship, she had actually quit 3 jobs and gave up an apartment she loved to move with me since I was going to start med school. She was pretty ****ed up mentally when we met, and she's since gotten a lot better. She admits she isn't the same depressed person when we met, and is actually much happier now, and when we broke up, she said she was actually happy, but didn't want to hurt me since she couldn't fully give me what I deserved.

 

I'm her first real relationship, she's not a player. When we caught up, she said she had gone to a work party to make herself feel better, but ended up leaving by 11. She said that she stayed in a read during the weekend since she was sad.

 

I recently watched a TED talk that said that SSRI's may create the inability to have "romantic love" which is the "in love" feeling of a relationship. This is exactly what she's lacking, and she IS on SSRI's, which I had convinced her to start because of her severe depression.

 

I'm thinking about asking her if she would like to try a small period of time without the SSRI's and see if she loves me. I hate to play doctor when I'm not a real doctor yet, but I feel like since spring is starting and moods might be lifted and since she's in a new city and in a good mental state, it might be worth a shot to see if we could develop more commitment from her.

 

Any thoughts?

[hellodearest]

I figured I'd keep you guys updated. Haven't spoken to her since I left her place, but she texted me this morning (must have been right when she woke up)

 

Just small talk, but good sign I guess.

 

I always leave change wherever I sleep, falls out of my pockets.

 

Went like this:

 

Spare change everywhere! How did your test go?

 

I replied, not expecting a response (didn't get one):

 

Esoteric perk of my company. Did well.

 

 

I'll keep you guys updated so you guys can see where we end up. Hopefully I won't be ranting too much in the future.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Ok, as a girl who is more like YOU in your post, I have no idea why a girl would play this game- Im so used to guys playing game like this - this is horrible and she sounds like she is a user, and that is rotten Im so sorry.... Do you feel honest enuf with her to just flat out ask " Why are you not into a commited thing?" Or where you guys ever committed, or has it always been an "open" thing- what a mess, I m so sorry for you and Ive had a similar relationship in the past with a non-commital guy - it truly sucks

But he asked to 'come lay with her'. As if doing that woudln't lead to something?? Well played dude! I swear, I won't try anything...we can just....LAY together.... LOL Can't blame the guy for trying, but......She played him big time. Love the cold/casual texts after the sex.

Kind of like "have a nice day" 'k'.

[hellodearest]

Well, the majority of our relationship was spent laying around. We cuddle a lot, watch movies, talk, listen to music. We have a lot of friends that party and hang at bars which we do when they're out, but when it's just the two of us, we just lay around enjoying each others company. We've spent entire days just talking, giving backrubs, and laughing in bed, and it's been over a year of dating and that still hasn't gotten old.

 

I'm posting now because yesterday I went to her house to hang out after class. We did the usual laying around and talking, and we cuddled a lot and we kissed quite a bit, though it just seemed... different. It was almost like she was trying NOT to get all kissy, even though she wanted to. For some reason it really bothered me. She also said she didn't want to have sex, which was fine with me, I just wanted her company. This morning I left, and she gave me a long kiss goodbye, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that despite all this affection, she still just wanted to remain friends.

 

All I want right now is to hang out with her, but she's at work. I've spent all day thinking about her since class got out so early, and I haven't done much but read these forums and mope. I don't know if I should text her to hang out tonight since it might make me seem needy, though that's all I want to do.

 

Anyway, what do you guys think? If we're affectionate and definitely more than friends when we hang out, should I keep doing it? Or is this an easy way for her to ease me into the friend zone?

[hellodearest]

I am so ****ed up right now. I just called her, and then broke down into tears. She was nice about it, but essentially just said that it's cut and dry, were broken up right now, and she only feels a companionship love for me rather than a romantic love. We were supposed to hang out tomorrow, but she said that if we don't hang out for awhile itll be for the best.

 

WOW I'm ****in sad!

[Frank13]

She has been very clear with you. She doesn't mind hanging with you but she wants to be free to "F" other guys. I don't know how much clearer she can make it.

 

And you are a agreeing to be her doormat. She wipes her feet on you while looking for other guys. She is playing you for a chump and a chump is just what you are acting like.

 

Some people are afraid to break up because they worry about being alone. With you she gets to not be a lone but free to look for someone better. Once they come along, you will be left high and dry.

 

You need to go NC and forget her. You can't blame her. She told you she wants to be single. Stop being her doormat.

[ThatDudeXO]

Just go NC for good my friend. It's the only option, you can't make her fall in love with you again. This may be a temporary phase, who knows but with NC you will be able to move on faster and if, it was just a phase, she will regret her decision and try and get you back...but don't wait around for her. It's a long process.

 

So, NC and really focus on yourself, make yourself a better man than you were in your relationship. She probably broke up because she thought she could do better than you, let her know that she missed out on something amazing by going NC, improving yourself and learn from this experience!

[Poovey]

This is exactly the situation I'm concerned about getting myself into!

He broke NC this week telling me how he misses his friend (meaning me), he didn't cheat (nutshell, he got with a new girl immediately after he told me to GTFO), just all of this crazy crap, but mainly hearing him repeat "I miss my friend". Went down to his house the day after to pick up my last few things and ended up staying there for a few hours rehashing all the crap from the night before and even getting to listen about his "new relationship". Gag me with a chainsaw! He sounded so down and out from the phone conversation, yet getting to see him in person was another. He still sounded down and out but his body language was on the defensive. He was acting slightly indifferent. I felt he was just on guard. Of what, me? WTF am I going to do? It was him that initiated all physical contact with me (no sex not even any kissing, just some very long, deep, intimate holding/hugging sessions). And wouldn't you know it, the next morning he's sending me PMs on FB talking about some of our favorite shows and how I should catch up on them...his last sentence was "feel free to bring your external hard drive down sometime and I'll load you up some shows." I waited a couple of hours to even respond and told him, "Eh, maybe. I'll let you know" I've heard nothing since.

 

I left his place feeling used. I'm not about to give him the intimacy he's wanting/needing because he can't get it from the new girl. Honestly, I felt my heart getting set up to be broken all over again. Nope, not going to happen. I'm going to keep doing what I said I was going to do...keep myself occupied, I will not be initiating contact, get my life together and gain my independence. Maybe one day he'll realize what he truly missed out on. Maybe by that time I'll no longer care what he thinks. All I know is that I'm feeling better off without him and I like that.

 

Good luck and give 'em hell!

[martin2069]

VERY much like what ive just gone through mate. Dated a girl for about a year then she broke it off, then we started meeting up again but she always said 'i dont want a relationship' but shes happy to be taken out and cared for. GET RID AND STOP IT NOW! I was a complete mess,i use to look at my phone every minute to see if she had contacted me. I found out she was flirting with other lads and even back in contact with the guy she went out with before me!! Move on mate, dont ring, dont message. You deserve to find someone who wants the same as you do and not to be used and messed about with. Alot of girls like this im affraid.

[marsha80]

Wow, this just goes to show that men and women aren't so different afterall. Women do the same things men do to them, and vice versa.

 

The plain truth is, if you have major doubts, then you probably have good reasons.

 

If a relationship is working, both parties involved will know/feel that it is.

 

the part that sucks is, how rare it is that someone you really like feels the same, and it actually works out.... guess that's why it's so special.

[OffandOnStillinLove]

I am so ****ed up right now. I just called her, and then broke down into tears. She was nice about it, but essentially just said that it's cut and dry, were broken up right now, and she only feels a companionship love for me rather than a romantic love. We were supposed to hang out tomorrow, but she said that if we don't hang out for awhile itll be for the best.

 

WOW I'm ****in sad!

 

sorry for slow reply- i havent been here as much, anyway- I saw your other posts and I guess if she isn't interested, then it might be godd idea to let yourself cry, its ok, mourn and feel the loss, b/c I held on too long and now yrs later Im just mourning [becuase we tried things AGAIN] and it was a waste of time, so dont waste another day, grieve, mourn, even have it in your mind that youre dead to her, not to be harsh to you, but to REALIZE the finality of it, and then ask God to heal your heart and move on, ---IF she comes back, I might not bother, b/c she might be a roller coaster [ the ssdi thing, ive not heard of that, but Im guessing it's prescription drugs?] anyway, she could be on this up and down rollercoaster for a while... you deserve better, and i dont think YOU want to be on a rollercoaster, I hope! hang in there and I really pray that you see a brighter future without her <3

ps AND remind yourself she's using you, with you sometimes, and with other guys too, this is disrespectful and uncaring and rude, and not loving!

[lizardking8610]

Proceed with extreme CAUTION!

 

You risk being the snuggle/security blanket

 

a likely scenario is she's using you as a backburner..

 

how would you feel if she was out having sex with some bros and came to cuddle with you the next day and refused to have sex with you because "it complicates things"

 

because that is a likely scenario that you may find yourself in....

 

or maybe she just wants to take things slow....

 

 

sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and here is the equation for that

 

Girl Doesn't Know What She Wants + Always Available Ex Boyfriend = Repeatedly Heartbroken Boyfriend

[hellodearest]

You guys are right. I just wish our breakup left me with some sort of anger, but I have nothing love for her.

 

I'll keep you guys updated. I'm doing NC now, day 2.

[hellodearest]

Well, I said I would update. This weekend was particularly painful since I spent all my weekends with her - kind of got me through the week with school work and everything.

 

It's day 3 NC for me, but she texted me today, which I don't know if I should give a cordial response to. Still debating, would like advice on the issue actually.

 

Her text reads "Today is that holiday where santa rides in a rainbow and puts eggs underneath peoples pillows. Right? Missing you. Hope you're doing alright."

[EgoJoe]

Do not respond.

[hellodearest]

now she's invited me to stay over at her place.

[lizardking8610]

test the waters if you want but you had better steel your emotions before hand.

 

Man Of Steel or Not?

 

I just wouldn't want you to put yourself in a position to be hurt again because I have done it and in retrospect I knew I was playing with fire.

 

In my mind if you really would want this to work I would take things slow and coming over to her house when she invites you over, in my mind, is kinda rude. She needs space when she needs it but when she wants you there she knows you're just a phone call away. Think about!

 

In the spirit of taking things slow I would pass on the staying over. You may not know it right now but this is the best strategy irrelevant of your motives. Meaning if you want to be with her this is a good strategy, if you don't want to be with her this is also a good strategy, in the end you can make the decision.

 

Not running over there when she wants you allows you to assess her actions. Do me a favor and pay closer attention to actions than words...the only good the words are in this situation is to see if they match the actions.

 

I mean from your earlier posts it seems like she says jump and you say....well you know the rest. She has all the cards, you can take them all back if you just chill and watch her actions, her true motives and colors will shrine through nice and bright, quickly, especially if you take my advice.

 

Don't be her teddy bear, man up, just tell her you're busy that day and she'll either be more aggressive in contacting you because she really wants to work things out or she will go hop on the next party bus....her actions will win through in the end....just dont ignore them when they do.

[hellodearest]

Thank you for the advice Lizardking. I actually had the same thoughts, and you seem very even keeled and wise about this stuff. Unfortunately, I didn't listen to myself, and I didn't read your post until today.

 

Last night I went over there. Between the text and the facebook messages she was sending me (she uses facebook exclusively to communicate while she's at work since she's not supposed to be on the phone) it just seemed that she was so excited to see me.

 

I got there and she immediately gave me a big hug and a kiss and we went inside and just hung out on her bed and she was affectionate etc. She initiated sex, and afterwards she wanted to take a bath. She's still confusing the **** out of me though - she hasn't said she wants to reconcile, but she said she did something "crazy" in that she had looked up some baby names and was day dreaming about us together 6 years down the road with a baby and settled down.

 

I jokingly said that I hope she wasn't trying to fix our relationship with a baby.

 

Anyway, I couldn't help myself, and while she was in the kitchen, I snooped a little bit and saw that her and a dude were exchanging emails and facebook messages. Nothing romantic, just articles she found interesting and youtube videos and stuff. This guy, she has been an acquaintance of forever, thought they weren't ever friends. Last week around the time of our breakup, he was in town and we all went out together, and she talked to him quite a bit because she knew he was sad since he had just broken up with his girlfriend. The next couple days they all hung out since a lot of our mutual friends were in town, but I sat out since I had some studying to do.

 

At any rate, I think it's weird she's talking to him, but at the same time, knowing her, she goes out of her way to be friends with everyone, and always goes the extra mile to make someone feel better. She also hasn't had me to send articles/get my opinion on things from for the last couple week or so. I still don't know if I should read into it or not. She is going home in a couple weeks and that guy will be there. I don't know if they're going to hang out, and even if they do, I don't have any cause to believe it'll be romantic.

 

She's confusing the hell out of me. Anyway, just venting, and updating, and I'll just continue to let her do the initiating.

[lizardking8610]

you're crazy.....

 

let her do the initiating? The definition of that is passive. Are you going to be passive in this relationship and let her dictate the when, where, why and how of every interaction between the two of you. That's not a relationship, thats just getting used, and likely in the future, abused.

 

If you still want to be with this girl, like I said take it slow, lets see if shes trustworthy....remember actions actions actions.

 

Scarcity! That is one of the oldest and most successful marketing tactics of all time.

 

"buy now only 10 in stock"

"one of a kind painting"

"call now supplies are limited"

 

so you get the point!

 

You don't always want to be available to this girl, trust me, make yourself scarce.

 

If you want to be with her tell her how you feel and what you want! See

what she says and does (actions) if she gives you the run around or doesn't know what she wants, tell her "to call you when she does" and leave it at that.

 

Chances are she'll either agressivley pursue you or go with the dude shes FB'ing with and who is going to be in the same neighborhood as her soon.

 

Dont know for sure, but if your gut says shes up to something, if I were you I'd trust it.

 

 

perhaps these are things you need to think about.

 

How do you feel about this girl?

 

What do you want out of a relationship with her?

 

Be her passive backburner or her boyfriend with no bullsh*t

 

 

So make your feelings known, see what she says and does, and then make yourself scarce. ie NO CONTACT regardless of what your final goal is