Ex of 4ish Months Returns

[RiverRunning]

My ex of 3.5 years and I broke up about 4 months ago. The situation was complex: I was unhappy with myself and my body (to be honest, I had a few characteristics similar to those with eating disorders). For the first 2ish years of our relationship, he was obviously hung up on his ex and deceived me about talking to her, holding onto pictures of her, etc. He talked about her all the time.

 

And even after that was resolved, I spent a good part of my time just crying and feeling depressed over it because I felt like I was her replacement. He fought with me every step of the way and blamed me for being unreasonably insecure and jealous until he felt jealous himself (for something much less serious - a co-worker liked me. I had no past with the co-worker and I didn't like him, and made it clear to my boyfriend).

 

Suddenly, he changed his tune and his ex vanished from our lives. I have accepted that the pain he caused me is probably always going to be part of my life. I have stopped hating him for what he did. I've come to just accept it's always going to occupy a part of me, and I just have to learn how to cope with it and deal with it. My feelings have improved while we were together and have remained stable since our break-up.

 

I have forgiven him for that and I no longer harbor hard feelings toward him. I understand that we were both quite a bit younger at the time and despite having more relationships than me (all LDRs), he had some problems socializing and letting go. I have learned that wasn't a personal reflection on me. I now fully realize that he cared about me deeply, but behind my hurt, I had a hard time accepting and seeing that. I was too much on the defensive.

 

Some issues we had revolved around his inability to just get to steppin'. He liked to procrastinate on everything. Our relationship wasn't going anywhere. That was ultimately one of the reasons why I left. I just couldn't stand him telling me that we were going to do x and he never managed to get around to it. When I want to do something, I like to get it done! I don't sit and dwell on it for months or years.

 

I have met many men since I broke up with my ex and I've gone out on dates with a few of them. I just don't feel anything. I still care about my ex and I have heard from mutual friends that he's actively house hunting now. He still cares about me. He told my best friend that our break-up has motivated him to get out of procrastinating and to get his life going. When he asked what I was up to, my best friend let it slip that I had gone out on a date.

 

My rule of thumb is to go no contact with my exes. Until today, I hadn't heard from him in close to 4 months. I had a Voicemail in which he was asking if we could go out to dinner, then grab some coffee and talk tonight.

 

Part of me is hesitant. I do still care about him and miss him. Realistically, the biggest barriers clouding our relationship are gone - I've come to terms with the ex issue and he's taking care of things in his personal life to show that he's serious.

 

I am happy and content being single. I don't feel desperate to get back with him. I don't feel that I NEED him, financially or emotionally. But I do care about him and I enjoyed his company. In that regard, I don't want him to get away. He was a good catch: funny, friendly, very helpful, very generous. Very good with children.

 

He was the type who would take my friends out to dinner on a whim and cuddle up with my cousin (I know, you probably thought this was BAD - my cousin is 5-years-old) on the couch to play video games together. That's the hardest - to some extent I am my cousin's aunt (socially speaking). He will often ask me where "Marc" went and why "Marc" doesn't love him anymore. Now, I feel like an idiot for ever breaking up with him. No - I WAS an idiot.

 

Do I take the risk of going out with him and seeing him again? If we're going to resume contact, I intend to just talk and keep contact minimal at first, see if I really want to get that emotionally invested again. We both had problems, emotionally and otherwise, that it seems we have resolved independently.

Edited April 2, 2012 by RiverRunning

[gotye]

what you said sounds good; minimal contact just feel it out and don't expect anything

[macmillerpwnz]

people do change.. My wife left me because I didn't show her enough attention.. After 4 months I changed into the man she dreamed of.. but she didn't want me back even tho she loved me because she had defense walls put up for herself and was scared..

 

Well slowly but surely I broke through her walls and we are now deeply in love and she is happy she took the chance again and can see the changes I have made for her..

 

So it is possible..guys sometimes don't f'in get it until the girl leaves for good..