mostlyclueless Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 My partner and I have been working out some issues and it seems that a lot of them center around my feeling insecure about his feelings for me. One example happened yesterday. We were spending the afternoon with some friends, and one of them asked me a specific question relating to the work that I do. The answer required me to go into some very technical specifics and explain a few vocabulary words. It was kind of advanced stuff so I gave the best explanation I could. It took a while and I did feel bad about dominating the conversation and talking too much, but everyone else kept asking more questions about it so I thought it was ok. After we left, my partner told me that I should have just given the most basic answer possible and moved on, without explaining any of the background information I gave. I felt really embarrassed. I think other boyfriends I've had in the past would have been impressed by my answer and proud to be with me, but instead I felt like my partner just thinks I'm an obnoxious know-it-all. Situations like this make me feel like maybe he doesn't really respect/value certain things about me. But I don't know if that is me being insecure and reading too much into his response, or if I am accurately picking up on him not really valuing these things about me. So I guess my question is two-fold -- am I in fact being insecure? And if so, how to fix that?
RiverRunning Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Clueless, does he do this to you all the time? To nitpick such a MINOR thing is really over-the-top. Yes, I've been in conversations before where, in retrospect, I may have dominated the conversation a bit, or one of my exes may have said something a little too cutting. But unless it's a pattern of behavior, that's the sort of thing you just allow to go by. If you have a pattern of dominating conversations or something, I could see it. But from your description of things the encounter sounds to have been very benign. You were asked a question and you tried to explain it to the best of your ability. I see nothing wrong with that. And if people keep asking you questions...that's encouragement to continue. In most conversations where I ask something, I won't continue asking questions if I don't care to hear anymore about it. Even if his friends WERE a little bored or something, it's so minor it's not even worth mentioning. I dated someone who liked to nitpick each of my little behaviors. Leaving lights on. Leaving a single pair of earrings on the bathroom counter every then and again. I blew up on him one day when he was nitpicking me about leaving a laundry basket in the kitchen. I worked hard to keep our place clean, no thanks to him, and leaving a thing or two out from time-to-time just shouldn't have been worth mentioning. No one deserves to sit and over-analyze their every little action or conversation. I stopped putting up with constantly wondering if something was out of place or wrong before he got home from work. And I think you would do well to approach your boyfriend especially if this is a habit of his - critiquing incredibly minor things he thinks you did wrong. You don't deserve to sit in silence in conversations or afraid to answer questions for fear of upsetting him. I would sit down with him and we'd be talking: "Listen here, Joe/John/Jack. The other day when we were at Sam's and you mentioned that I should have kept it brief...I don't agree with you. It makes me feel insecure when you mention minor things that you think that I did wrong. Unless I dominate conversations all the time, I think we would both be better off just not mentioning things like that." Sure, we all get annoyed over the little stuff that our partners do. But the secret to a successful relationship? You have to learn how to let that little stuff go and save your breath for the big stuff.
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