Met a great girl and she "wants to take it slow"

[mtothel1984]

I'm a recently single (within the last month), 30 year old, professional, guy.

 

A couple weeks ago I went out with some people from work. We had many, many beverages, and I ended up talking to this really cute girl from HR (also 30, fairly recently single as well, smart, professional). Since then we've gone on three dates and are sort of keeping things on the downlow (which by the way is pretty fun!)

 

This weekend I made her a great dinner at her place, we had some wine, and things got fairly hot and heavy. Not to get in to details, but I think we both had a good time. I was thrilled, I think she's smart, independent, interesting and super sexy. Since we can't really see each other during the week, I wanted to do something on Sunday evening. She was up for it, and we ordered in and watched a movie. Again, pretty good. I'm admittedly a little awkward and it takes me time to let my guard down, but I think she likes me. And we seem to have mutual attraction / good chemistry.

 

Then after the movie on Sunday she says that she had a lot of fun on Friday, but since I just recently got out of something she wants to take it slow. We can hang out, but I get the sense she wants to keep the physical stuff a little more subdued.

 

The problem is, I really like her and am terrible at taking things slow. If I like someone I don't really see the point.

 

Is she worried she'll just be a rebound - how can I convince her that that is not the case (even though it is sort of...) Or is this her way of saying she's not really interested, I don't think so, I don't come across as a player, am pretty successful, fit, etc. (not to "toot my own horn" - just being honest).

 

Now I don't know where to go from here. I already felt like the one chasing in this relationship, simply because I think this girl is really awesome. How does one "take it slow...". I've probably been in 10 relationships, but have never managed to do that....

 

Anyway, I find this irritating, I hate not being able to express how I feel. But I also realize I am a romantic and get caught up in dreaming / thinking, this is the one, etc. She's probably being level-headed and smart, not wanting me to get tired of her if she sleeps with me. But I don't care that much about the sex, sex is fun, but for me a relationship is more about the emotions, spending time together, the future, etc.

 

Anyway, any women (or men) out there please help. I could use some advice so I don't screw this up.....

 

Thanks

[mostlyclueless]

The problem is, I really like her and am terrible at taking things slow. If I like someone I don't really see the point.

 

You don't need to see the point. She asked you to be less physical. Cool it on the physical stuff. It might mean she's afraid of being a rebound, or that she doesn't really like you, or she might mean that you were way too pushy and it made her uncomfortable and this was the nicest way she could tell you that.

 

Let her come to you. Respect her boundaries. Give it a few days, then make plans for one night this weekend. Go out somewhere so you aren't alone at home where it's easy for things to get physical. Keep it to a good night kiss, unless she invites you in for more -- and if she does, either have an awkward conversation about how far she wants things to go, or follow her lead.

 

You say you have been the one chasing in this relationship. Stop it. You don't want to be chasing, and it sounds like she doesn't want to be chased.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Don't get into a relationship with a woman you work with. That's the best advice I can give in this situation.

[dasein]

Sorry to say, but she just doesn't sound that interested. Was unclear, did you have sex? or not? If cases where someone is beating down her door and professing deep feelings, every now and then when they say they want to slow down it's legit. For the most part though it's a polite brushoff. Maybe try a day date with no sex possible for the next time. If she gives a bad excuse for not going on that, you will know she just isn't interested.

[zengirl]

I can think of a variety of scenarios.

 

1. She was embarrassed by the level of physicality on Friday and uncomfortable with it and just wants to slow down that aspect. Easy fix: Plan dates in public where you're not going to have sex and don't press physicality; let her escalate that part of the relationship.

 

2. She's assessing whether she's actually into you or not. There is no easy fix to that one -- she's just going to decide one way or the other. All you can do is present your interest and wait. But if she's still willing to go on dates, just. . . go on dates. If it persists indefinitely, eventually re-assess, but it's still early.

 

Here's what I don't really get from the first post. . .

 

How are you not able to express yourself if the physical stuff is more subdued? You state the "express yourself" thing but her request seems to be based on the physical stuff. You can still express that you like her and such! I don't get how physicality is the ONLY way to do that. If #1 is the case, she's likely looking to get some validation from you that is NOT physical in nature.

[veggirl]

I agree you shouldn't pursue a coworker!

 

Beyond that, though, you've had very little actual interaction with this girl. Jumping in with both feet may sound romantic, but it's just dumb in most circumstances. Sounds like she has her head on her shoulders and you don't. At 30 you can't rationally just slow it down and realize you are just starting to get to know this girl? At this point, you don't like HER, you like the idea of romance and a new girlfriend. And you can't even say she's not a rebound...sounds like she's a smart girl. Are you even ready to be dating? Until you can confidently say you are not on the rebound, perhaps you should do HER and every other girl a FAVOR and not overdose them on romance and promises and the future right off the bat.

[mtothel1984]

I appreciate the replies / advice.

 

I feel I should explain a bit:

 

- work thing - one of us is leaving soon, so we decided there wasn't too much harm.

- I understand the slowing down the physical stuff and am good with that, I have trouble slowing down the emotional stuf, I kind of get caught in a "let's fall in love" autopilot mode.

- I recognize she is being sensible and I'm probably not. I am a lost romantic but I truly, honestly, 'looking at the list of things I'm looking for in a girl' am interested in her, and don't want to mess it up.

 

I appreciate the advice:

- do dates that minimize the physical

- show I'm interested in her and not just her body, etc.

- let her come to me.

 

I'm just worried about the whole letting her come to me thing. I sent a little text today just to say, "Hi, just wanted to say Happy Monday!"

 

Do you think I should not message her for the rest of the week until she messages me? Should I let her suggest the next time we get together?

 

I feel this is kind of slipping away because I genuinely am interested; whereas, if I was more or less indifferent it would go much better.

 

Sorry this post sounds lame - I recognize it is. What can I say, this is what girls do to guys....

[zengirl]

 

I'm just worried about the whole letting her come to me thing. I sent a little text today just to say, "Hi, just wanted to say Happy Monday!"

 

Do you think I should not message her for the rest of the week until she messages me? Should I let her suggest the next time we get together?

 

I feel this is kind of slipping away because I genuinely am interested; whereas, if I was more or less indifferent it would go much better.

 

Sorry this post sounds lame - I recognize it is. What can I say, this is what girls do to guys....

 

No, now you're way overthinking it.

 

Just "let her come to you" in a physical (and perhaps deeply emotional sense -- hold off on 'falling in love' but totally keep conveying your LIKE for her!) way. Just don't escalate physicality.

 

You can totally still contact her. Now, after you text her, maybe wait for either her to text you or if it was something that didn't really prompt a response (like that text) wait a few days and then try to set up an actual date. More emphasis on actually getting to know her and less on gestures and texts and communication that can be misinterpreted all around will help too.

 

I do not think any woman likes indifference, especially not one who is concerned you are rebounding. Many women do like their space, as do many men.

 

She may simply not be into it (sorry to say) but I don't see evidence of that just yet. If you start to sense that, definitely back off entirely, but if not, just keep going and try to put the emphasis on getting to know her rather than falling for her or putting her on a pedestal. That will serve you both better.

[eleanorhurting]

how can you be wondering if someone is "the one" when you just broke up with someone a month ago?

 

And yes, if I were her I would be extremely worried about being your rebound.

 

And another thing, as I have learned the hard way, don't invite people to your house/go over to other people's houses at the beginning. Well, not alone by yourselves at least.