ElizaV Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) Hi, this is my first post on this forum, but I really need some advice. I'm in the aftermath of what I believe to have been a 'toxic' relationship. It lasted a year, and has been to date the most difficult and emotionally draining year of my life. To begin with of course everything was wonderful, but after 4 or 5 months things deteriorated. Unfortunately I had fallen deeply in love with this guy by then. I could write pages and pages about him. He was so bad for me. He manipulated me emotionally, ruined my self confidence and made me tolerate behaviour from him I never would have accepted before. He had serious trust and intimacy issues, but somehow made me believe that a lot of them were my fault. For example, he had real problems with my past, despite his being a lot worse - yet he managed to make me feel so guilty about mine. He would insult me, and he did in fact ruin my self confidence, but then afterwards he'd say he was joking and I'd end up apologising to him! He couldn't deal with me having a life outside of the 2 of us, but he'd manipulate me into thinking I was selfish for wanting time without him. And so, so many other things. He just made me feel about 2 inches tall a lot of the time, yet I felt like it was my fault, and constantly tried to please him and 'improve' myself and change for him. All my friends and family saw a complete change in my personality which I couldn't see myself. They saw him for what he really was, while I was blinded by love. We broke up in October 2011 when everything got too much for me, but quickly got back together after he cried and told me he would change. He didn't change. I broke up with him again January 2012. We were apart for 5 weeks, and stupidly towards the end of February I went back to him. During those 5 weeks, he'd met and started sleeping with someone else. Somehow, he managed to manipulate me into thinking it was ok, and that we could make it work again. He told me he loved me and that she was just a distraction from missing me so much. He had also turned to drugs and alcohol in those few weeks (something he has always had a problem with) which of course made me worried about him. So I actually let him date me and this other girl for a couple of weeks, until I realised what an idiot I was being and cut things off again. He proceeded to text and message me saying I should ignore any bad things he's ever said in favour of all the times he's said 'I love you'. I told him I couldn't and we had to finish. Now it is 2 weeks since our final contact, and it has been completely silent since then. The problem I'm having is even though I know how bad he is for me, I just can't stop idealising the relationship and missing him. I miss him so, so much. I felt like he was completely on my wavelength, we clicked so well and understood each other and I feel like I'll never find that again. I met a nice guy a few nights ago, he was really interested in me but I just couldn't let anything happen because I'm so not ready for anyone new. Please, tell me HOW do I move on from such a messy relationship? I feel like he has messed with my head so much and I just don't know how to stop missing him and going through every tiny detail in my head. Sorry its so long! Thanks to anyone who reads it all and replies. Edited April 2, 2012 by ElizaV
Nohbody Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 This is a sad story, but unfortunately it is very common. It sounds like you are taking the correct first steps to get beyond this time in your life. Remain in "No Contact" and look up the "No Contact Guide" by Caliguy. Right now you need to focus on yourself, and understand that your feelings are normal. There is no "right way" to move on... time and the desire to move on are the keys. Good luck.
ThatDudeXO Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 This is a sad story, but unfortunately it is very common. It sounds like you are taking the correct first steps to get beyond this time in your life. Remain in "No Contact" and look up the "No Contact Guide" by Caliguy. Right now you need to focus on yourself, and understand that your feelings are normal. There is no "right way" to move on... time and the desire to move on are the keys. Good luck. It's in my signature. You just need to go NC and heal. It's the best way but please be patient! Good luck!
Author ElizaV Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) Thank you for your replies. I read the NC guide and am planning to stick to all of the rules, as hard as it may be. He has blocked me on social networking sites so I can't look at photos of him or check up on what he's doing, which makes things easier. Although it hurt the other day when a friend told me she saw him out in town with the girl he was sleeping with when we sort of 'got back together' in March. I have some event tickets I need to send to him - they were a gift for his birthday in December but they hadn't arrived at that point, and I just got them in the mail a few days ago. I still want him to have them. Although my friends think he doesn't deserve them now, I feel that selling them after promising he could have them is just hostile. I plan to mail them to him because I still remember his address. I hope this doesn't break the "NC" thing, but I really do want him to have them. Edited April 2, 2012 by ElizaV
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Thank you for your replies. I read the NC guide and am planning to stick to all of the rules, as hard as it may be. He has blocked me on social networking sites so I can't look at photos of him or check up on what he's doing, which makes things easier. Although it hurt the other day when a friend told me she saw him out in town with the girl he was sleeping with when we sort of 'got back together' in March. I have some event tickets I need to send to him - they were a gift for his birthday in December but they hadn't arrived at that point, and I just got them in the mail a few days ago. I still want him to have them. Although my friends think he doesn't deserve them now, I feel that selling them after promising he could have them is just hostile. I plan to mail them to him because I still remember his address. I hope this doesn't break the "NC" thing, but I really do want him to have them. I wouldn't do that. Keep the tickets or give them to a friend or family as a gift. He promised you lots of things, too. Sending them is an excuse to keep in contact and hold out some hope. You owe it to yourself to write this guy off. Giving him the tickets is rewarding him for bad behavior. You owe this man nothing. 2
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 ElizaV, if you do nothing else, pay attention to BewitchedandBothered.... you have noooo idea, and wouldn't believe what a bullet she just dodged.... 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 ElizaV, if you do nothing else, pay attention to BewitchedandBothered.... you have noooo idea, and wouldn't believe what a bullet she just dodged.... <3 And this place has been a huge help to me!!!
perryb13 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Aww, I'm in like the same boat. I really clicked with this girl for like 6 months, but I think she started hating the fact that I was far away at school and that I wanted to do things for myself, and after a while, I kept trying to be a good boyfriend but she just kept acting like a total jerk...so I finally broke up with her, knowing that I absolutely made the right decision. But I'm still having a hard time for some reason. :/ *edit* also we ended up dating for like a year, the last 6 months she was just a total jerk to me. Now she still wants to call me like she wants attention, but then I try and be friendly and she just doesn't have it. So i'm sticking to the NC for now.
Pat99 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 This guy is completely manipulative and 100% wrong for you. It actually pains me to hear your story, because he is really a bastard. You are not hearing from him because he has someone else to fill his void. You were kind, loving and patient, and he took you for granted. Sadly, everyone could see it, but you. The mere fact you allowed this man to manipulate you and date someone else while having you at the same time makes me cringe. Stay strong and walk away. You deserve better than all of this, you must believe in yourself. We all come here when we are hurt, but we do heal. It just takes a lot of time. 2
Author ElizaV Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Thank you all for your responses. I feel really bad not sending the tickets to him, but maybe you're right BewitchedandBothered - I don't want to seem as though I'm rewarding him for how badly he has treated me. When I walked away the third time, he actually said "I deserve someone who treats me better than you have!" - I can't actually put into words how upset that made me, because he clearly has no idea how much he has hurt me over the months. Pat99, I cringe when I think about it now, too. I don't know what I was thinking. He used the line 'you broke my heart' a lot, which made me feel so guilty that I let him have what he wanted. I don't even know how I was able to be so easily manipulated, because I'm really not a weak person. I'm very headstrong and independent most of the time! He somehow played on my insecurities, while at the same time making me fall in love with him. I actually think a lot of the pain that I'm feeling right now isn't from sadness that I've lost him, but because I'm so upset and angry that anyone could do this to me. Trying to come to terms with everything that's happened and everything he's done is proving to be very difficult - I play over certain conversations and situations in my head and wish I'd acted differently or seen what I can see now. It's driving me crazy. 1
darkmoon Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 what was so loveable about him anyway? she typed here hoping to offer OP food for thought... 2
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Thank you all for your responses. I feel really bad not sending the tickets to him, but maybe you're right BewitchedandBothered - I don't want to seem as though I'm rewarding him for how badly he has treated me. When I walked away the third time, he actually said "I deserve someone who treats me better than you have!" - I can't actually put into words how upset that made me, because he clearly has no idea how much he has hurt me over the months. Pat99, I cringe when I think about it now, too. I don't know what I was thinking. He used the line 'you broke my heart' a lot, which made me feel so guilty that I let him have what he wanted. I don't even know how I was able to be so easily manipulated, because I'm really not a weak person. I'm very headstrong and independent most of the time! He somehow played on my insecurities, while at the same time making me fall in love with him. I actually think a lot of the pain that I'm feeling right now isn't from sadness that I've lost him, but because I'm so upset and angry that anyone could do this to me. Trying to come to terms with everything that's happened and everything he's done is proving to be very difficult - I play over certain conversations and situations in my head and wish I'd acted differently or seen what I can see now. It's driving me crazy. Love how they project their stuff onto us. "It's all your fault", "You did this", etc. These thoughts will taper off,but for now, it's still fresh. Close the chapter on this dweeb. You deserve much better.
Author ElizaV Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 what was so loveable about him anyway? she typed here hoping to offer OP food for thought... This is a good question, and again makes me wonder what I saw in him for so long. He was obviously extremely charming, as most manipulative people are, and we 'clicked' well - at least to begin with. I really don't know though. I managed to fall in love with someone who had so many bad qualities and emotional issues. Funnily enough, he was an absolute polar opposite to the guy I dated before him, who made me feel wonderful about myself.
CopingGal Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Thank you all for your responses. I feel really bad not sending the tickets to him, but maybe you're right BewitchedandBothered - I don't want to seem as though I'm rewarding him for how badly he has treated me. When I walked away the third time, he actually said "I deserve someone who treats me better than you have!" - I can't actually put into words how upset that made me, because he clearly has no idea how much he has hurt me over the months. Pat99, I cringe when I think about it now, too. I don't know what I was thinking. He used the line 'you broke my heart' a lot, which made me feel so guilty that I let him have what he wanted. I don't even know how I was able to be so easily manipulated, because I'm really not a weak person. I'm very headstrong and independent most of the time! He somehow played on my insecurities, while at the same time making me fall in love with him. I actually think a lot of the pain that I'm feeling right now isn't from sadness that I've lost him, but because I'm so upset and angry that anyone could do this to me. Trying to come to terms with everything that's happened and everything he's done is proving to be very difficult - I play over certain conversations and situations in my head and wish I'd acted differently or seen what I can see now. It's driving me crazy. I cringe, when I think about all I put up with. I allowed my ex to manipulate me again, and again, and again.
Pat99 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I think it's natural to be as upset as you are right now. You are upset because you allowed yourself to be played and you don't view yourself as someone who would ever get played, right? I get it. Trust me, I get it. People who manipulate are to a large degree void of feeling empathy, because everything is about them and their needs/wants/happiness. They play the victim card well because they genuinely believe they are the victim. It's delusional and the only ones who hang out with them are people who can get played because most others won't put up with the selfish crap they serve for very long. Please never feel guilty for being kind and loving, though, it's what makes you a lovely person. Stay strong and always remember you deserve SO MUCH BETTER. 1
Author ElizaV Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 I think it's natural to be as upset as you are right now. You are upset because you allowed yourself to be played and you don't view yourself as someone who would ever get played, right? I get it. Trust me, I get it. People who manipulate are to a large degree void of feeling empathy, because everything is about them and their needs/wants/happiness. They play the victim card well because they genuinely believe they are the victim. It's delusional and the only ones who hang out with them are people who can get played because most others won't put up with the selfish crap they serve for very long. Please never feel guilty for being kind and loving, though, it's what makes you a lovely person. Stay strong and always remember you deserve SO MUCH BETTER. Yes! Exactly. It bothers me so much that someone was able to mess with my emotions so easily. What you wrote basically describes my ex perfectly. He felt he was the victim - he honestly couldn't see what he was doing to me (or in fact anyone) and just felt that everyone was against him. He used to say 'no matter how hard I try I still don't make you happy' - it was delusional because to any normal person, the things he was doing would OBVIOUSLY not make ANYONE happy. It drove me crazy. Since we broke up I've written a letter (its 5000 words!) of everything he's ever done to upset me, and although I won't send it to him, it has made me feel a lot better to get everything out into words. It means I can read back over it whenever I have feelings of doubt and it reassures me that I didn't do anything wrong - he did. I'm trying very hard not to let this relationship ruin my trust in people in the future, or make me less kind and loving, though I worry that it will.
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