Standing_Firm Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Okay, this might have been discussed in another thread so forgive me if I am repeating............ Had a long talk with a friend the other day and he has gone through something similar to what I have gone through. His wife has gone through a sexual awakening (similar to my wife).....new clothes, spending a little more time in the mirror, increased sex drive, working out, etc., etc. Talking about signs of infidelity, I know that there are tell tale warning signs..........how do you know signs are just that and nothing more? No late nights with the girls, no unexplained numbers on the phone, no secret e-mail accounts, no leaving and not coming back for hours on end........... Would what I have talked about here be cause for suspicion??
Betrayed&Stayed Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 The signs that I saw looking back during my wife's affair with her co-worker were: 1 - Emotional/Physical distancing. I got the bitch vibe from her during the affair. She wouldn't make eye contact. At the time I thought it was depression or super PMS. This was by far the sign that I missed. 2 - She worked extra shifts on the weekend. This was two part, she could be with her AP, and she could avoid the tension between us at home caused by sign #1. On a related note, we just had a discussion on her history of "shutting down" instead of opening up in regards to communication. This stems from her family of origin. Neither one of us learned good marital communication from our parents.
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 The signs that I saw looking back during my wife's affair with her co-worker were: 1 - Emotional/Physical distancing. I got the bitch vibe from her during the affair. She wouldn't make eye contact. At the time I thought it was depression or super PMS. This was by far the sign that I missed. 2 - She worked extra shifts on the weekend. This was two part, she could be with her AP, and she could avoid the tension between us at home caused by sign #1. On a related note, we just had a discussion on her history of "shutting down" instead of opening up in regards to communication. This stems from her family of origin. Neither one of us learned good marital communication from our parents. That makes me feel a WHOLE lot better. There has been NO distance between us whatsoever (can't speak for my friend). We still talk, still are VERY intimate, still spend time together. I have heard that increased libido is a sign of the 'guilty' feeling guilty..........that just does not make any sense to me. You would think that if something IS happening that the sex would stop all together..........mine has had no drop off.........actually gotten better!!
Betrayed&Stayed Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I have heard that increased libido is a sign of the 'guilty' feeling guilty..........that just does not make any sense to me. You would think that if something IS happening that the sex would stop all together..........mine has had no drop off.........actually gotten better!! I think that the libido towards the BS can go either way, depending on the WS. The result of my wife's affair was little or no sex at home. Other cheaters may respond in the opposite manner. If sex has gotten significantly better or more frequent, then that could be a sign. Again, different personalities handle the affair differently.
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 Honestly, I am not thinking that anything is going on. Just practicing caution right now. We have had so many friends that we know whose marriages have imploded, primarially because of the husband being a jerk and NOT paying attention to his wife. And the guy has been the one that has had the affair or the problems, not the woman. That I know of (crossing my fingers right now) I am NOT being the jerk in the relationship!
2sunny Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Not saying its true - but if she had a "secret email" - how would you know? It's a secret after all...
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 Not saying its true - but if she had a "secret email" - how would you know? It's a secret after all... She does not delete history.................I would see it and the guilt across the face if I were to ask.............plus I have many little eyes in the house (some not so little as well) who know a LOT!
Kidd Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 That makes me feel a WHOLE lot better. There has been NO distance between us whatsoever (can't speak for my friend). We still talk, still are VERY intimate, still spend time together. I have heard that increased libido is a sign of the 'guilty' feeling guilty..........that just does not make any sense to me. You would think that if something IS happening that the sex would stop all together..........mine has had no drop off.........actually gotten better!! My WW went from once a month to twice a week during her affair. It sure threw me off. I, of course, thought things were better than ever for us as I saw her increased interest as reflecting an emotional bond that most women need in order to have sexual intimacy. Otherwise, I saw all the signs you just listed and nothing more. The only thing that tipped me off was when she suddenly spoke of maybe needing us to separate. She'd been unhappy for two years. WTF?! Really? After three weeks of trying to figure out WTF while she "thought about it," I wondered if maybe... I put a GPS in her car and immediately found her at a hotel. Life has been fun since then. I suspect that you are here for a reason and that your gut is screaming. Listen to your gut. That said, the lack of other "signs" is good though. I think "we" usually find the affair pretty easily once we look.
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 I understand that being suspicious, but your only indicator is that she went shopping, wants to look pretty and is interested in more sex? It could be she just wants more attention from her spouse.... just a thought. Maybe she's concerned that he/you (I'm not sure if you are asking for yourself or your friend) is looking elsewhere and doesn't want that, maybe she is trying to rekindle sparks with you. Maybe she had a recent personal disappointment or success that was a catalyst to wanting to feel good about herself. Feeling good about yourself will lead to increased desire for sex, and sex drive increases in women as they hit their 30s and 40s so it may be totally natural. Just something else to think about. And I REALLY do think that this is the case. We are done having kids (and yes, there are several in the house, very young to older) and for the first time in years, quite possibly our entire marriage, she has a drive now that closely equals mine! We have had so many friends whose marriages have imploded over the last several months that I am a little gun shy. She is 40, very attractive, and has the body of an 18 year old. I truly am a lucky guy!! After having little to no sex life for the first 17 to 18 years of our marriage and then to having sex a dozen or so times a week........took me a little by surprise. I AM enjoying it though !! You hear people talking about 'signs' all the time........it is hard not to listen sometimes. My 'gut' tells me that NOTHING is going on...........
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 (edited) My WS never did any of that either. Where there's a will, there IS a way. Are you with her 24/7? It's probably nothing, but I'm a woman in my early 40's and there's a few woman I know who are making sure they look good . . . and it's not to impress their husband of 15-20 years. Not all of them of cheating, but they have their eyes on this one or that and fantasize A LOT . . . and go out of their way to impress. I even see it with women I'm not close to year after year -- they get "close" to one fathers at school arrival/dismissal and/or at sporting activities and then before you know it, they've dropped weight and they're "transformed." I am not with her 24/7, but when she does go places, she usually has one or two kids in tow or me.............other than that, she is at home. All in all, I think that we have a pretty good relationship, pretty honest and open. There has never been any mistrust, no secrets, and the ability to freely talk with each other about what is going on. Until given a reason not to, I will trust her! Edited April 3, 2012 by Standing_Firm
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 One thing to add, I probably should have posted this somewhere else as there is NO affair going on. I was just curious about the signs and what to possibly look for...............
beenburned Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Standingfirm, Oh my, could I tell you some stories about our empty nest escapades!! We ran around acting like a couple of teenagers again! It was almost like hysterical bonding!
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Standingfirm, Oh my, could I tell you some stories about our empty nest escapades!! We ran around acting like a couple of teenagers again! It was almost like hysterical bonding! THAT is way the last couple of months have been, especially after the kids have gone to bed!
maybealone Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 A couple of years ago (married about 12 years at that point), I started being more active and consequently lost weight. I ended up buying new clothes, mostly fitted, and really enjoying my nicer body. I felt better about myself and, like a lot of women, that made me much more interested in sex (not that I ever had a low sex drive, just a high drive that got higher). I will admit that part of the reason I became more active is because there were problems in my marriage. There was tension in the house, and getting out and running or playing sports really helped me feel better. I didn't start with the intention of losing weight, the weight loss just happened. I will also admit that I kind of liked the fact that I noticed men noticing me after the weight loss/new clothes. However, I never had any intentions of cheating on my husband, never had my eye on anyone, and have not cheated. In my case, it is unfortunate that my husband still doesn't care what I look like or how much I would love to be having sex. But my advice to men in your situation is to take the changes at face value until you have a reason or a gut feeling not to. And make sure that the attention she gets from the opposite sex is from you!
standtall Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 (edited) Standing firm..IMHO, in your friend's situation, I wouldn't think that his wife is checking out of their marriage unless he is not meeting her emotional needs by 1. Drug/alcohol abuse. 2. Emotional/physical abuse. 3. Mental illness 4. The occasional xbox addict or some extreme sexual behavior that he likes that she can't cope with. This list isn't exclusive, and I'm sure he can neglect her in other ways not mentioned. But, if they are still connecting on that emotional level, then why don't you tell your friend to just sit back and enjoy her renewed interest. Edited April 3, 2012 by standtall
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 A couple of years ago (married about 12 years at that point), I started being more active and consequently lost weight. I ended up buying new clothes, mostly fitted, and really enjoying my nicer body. I felt better about myself and, like a lot of women, that made me much more interested in sex (not that I ever had a low sex drive, just a high drive that got higher). I will admit that part of the reason I became more active is because there were problems in my marriage. There was tension in the house, and getting out and running or playing sports really helped me feel better. I didn't start with the intention of losing weight, the weight loss just happened. I will also admit that I kind of liked the fact that I noticed men noticing me after the weight loss/new clothes. However, I never had any intentions of cheating on my husband, never had my eye on anyone, and have not cheated. In my case, it is unfortunate that my husband still doesn't care what I look like or how much I would love to be having sex. But my advice to men in your situation is to take the changes at face value until you have a reason or a gut feeling not to. And make sure that the attention she gets from the opposite sex is from you! Sorry things are not going the way that you would like. Thank you for the post nonetheless. I can assure you that she is getting a LOT of attention from me. She has felt so crappy for many years and I am truly trying to help her celebrate how she is feeling, looking, and the sex life ain't bad either !! I tell her on a daily basis (and have for almost 20 years) how incredibly sexy and beautiful she is to me. Sometimes I don't get a response, but I think she hears it anyway.............
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Having kids in tow doesn't really mean anything though. I've observed women and men flirting in front of their young kids (or with them nearby) at school and sporting events . . . even the supermarket. So even if the kids are around, a fantasy could be brewing. A very good friend of mine had an affair and he would come over while one of her sons was napping. And this is a woman who constantly gushes over her husband to him and everyone else. I don't put anything past anyone now. I'm sure everything is fine, but just don't blindly trust anyone - even your wife. Okay, let me play devil's advocate right now. Yes, I trust my wife. Always have. How can you say to not 'blindly' trust anyone - even your wife........you would be living in the same house with this person acting like a paranoid fool. That is no way to live IMHO............how could you do that??
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 w/regard to the libido thing. My WW and her OM discussed that very subject in a facebook conversation I discovered. OM said his BW actually got more because of what was going on. My WW said I didn't get anything more. So yeah, it depends on the person having the A. One thing I noticed was my W couldn't kiss me passionately anymore, though she could still have sex.
Author Standing_Firm Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 w/regard to the libido thing. My WW and her OM discussed that very subject in a facebook conversation I discovered. OM said his BW actually got more because of what was going on. My WW said I didn't get anything more. So yeah' date=' it depends on the person having the A. One thing I noticed was my W couldn't kiss me passionately anymore, though she could still have sex.[/quote'] Well, she still kisses me...........not very passionate sometimes, but that is probably due to the fact that I was a jackass a couple of months ago and I know that still stings a little.............
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