Its all my fault!

[mymission]

I knew it was.

 

When we first got together, about a month into the relationship, I went on holiday with my friend for my 21st. It was booked before I met him. I had never had a proper boyfriend before, and I ended up getting smashed on 2 nights, and a lad hit on me each night and kissed me.

 

I felt so guilty about it, cos my boyfriend was amazing. I told him a little bit of the story straight away but not all of it. Everybody was telling me not to tell him, but I just became more and more guilty I couldn't think of anything else. Over the next 9 months or so I told him more and more until I'd told him everything. He was very close to ending it but didn't as his friends told him it didn't matter.

 

I couldn't do my work (I was in last year of uni), I couldn't think about anything else, I turned paranoid, I was having panic attacks. I ended up going to the doctors and to hypnotherapy and being put on antidepressants.

 

He was very supportive whilst I was going through this. But ever since this time he nearly ended it after he found out eveything, its just not been the same.

 

The relationship gradually deteriorated and he became more snappy and less interested. Every now and again he would bring it up when he was drunk, so I knew it was still in the back of his mind.

 

When we actually did break up 6 weeks ago (after 18 months together), I knew that this incident had effected the way he felt about me. He told me today that it all stemmed down to that and that he deserves better. He said he loved me so much until he found out eveything.

 

I'm still the same person. How am I supposed to live with myself when it was all my fault? This amazing man loved me and I ruined it. How do I get through that?

 

Sorry its long

[mymission]

When I say getting 'smashed', I mean getting really drunk.

[Philosoraptor]

You made a mistake and it likely laid fraigle grounds for the relationship. Learn from it and never allow yourself to make the same mistakes again.

 

But don't beat yourself up over it. Accept it and take responsibility for it. You made a mistake, we all do. Forgive yourself for it and promise yourself to learn from it.

[mymission]

I just keep thinking about how the relationship would be if it hadn't have happened. Where would we be at now?

[redrose123]

I feel the same way sometimes, like it was my fault but the negative thinking always gets me down and it's not healthy. Ive changed how I look at it now to "If he really loved me he would have stood by me and communicated on what we both needed to work on to make the relationship work instead of run away"..

[budley12]

"You have done nothing wrong. You have not failed - only produced results. The question is not about how bad you've been; it's about what you intend to do with the results you have produced"

-Dr Wayne Dyer