It'll happen when you least expect it

[counterman]

I was sitting on the train today and I saw this gorgeous woman. I saw a ring on her finger and knew she was married but I thought I would talk to her anyways. Turns out she's recently married and is a Christian.

 

I told her about a recent date of mine and how I've had a string of first dates that were pretty ordinary. She told me that I was trying too hard and that I should take a break for at least 6 months and said that you'll meet the right one when you least expect it. She proceeded to tell me her story about how she met her husband and how they ended up together. Her husband was a customer of her and turned out to be her brother's friend, which she found like later on. They dated for a year, got engaged and a couple of years later, got married. The thing was, I guess it just sort of happened for her. She wasn't that interested in this guy and it was only after 6 months she started developing some interest. She told me to just have fun while I'm young and that I have plenty of time to meet someone.

 

Though, in saying that, I've gone about my life before without the intent to date, and nothing has really happened. It was only when I got intentional that things started happening. I do hope to be married somebody, but I'm just wondering how has it all come about for you guys? Were you actually pursuing until you met someone that was compatible? Or did you just go about everyday life and through that you met someone?

 

I do hope to be married someday, but currently in my early 20s, I just want to have fun. At the moment with my studies, I've sort of put girls on the side because things are getting a bit stressful.

[CupcakeCrisis]

I always thought that advice like that is terrible - "It will happen when you least expect it." She's a woman, so it's more likely she would be approached. As a guy, the ball is more in your court to try and make something happen. It's true that you can't force chemistry where none exists, but there is plenty that you can do to ensure you meet a potential match. Going out a lot, interacting on dating sites, etc.

 

I've had a few boyfriends and I never met them by accident. Back when MySpace was still big and I was very early in my college years, I was looking for guys my age who lived in my area. I stopped when I recognized one of the pictures - the guy and I were in a college class together! We talked online for a few days until we met in person and it went from there. I think we both felt desperate at our respective ages (19 - 20) because neither of us had dated anyone before. He made all the first moves but treated me badly throughout the relationship.

 

I actually met my boyfriend now while I was dating the boyfriend I met on MySpace. We ALSO met online. We talked online for about a year until I was single and then we met in person. We've known each other close to 5 years and have been dating for close to four years. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend when I met him - we just shared a lot of common interests and talked online. When we met in person, it quickly evolved into more for both of us.

 

He has said he was looking for a girlfriend and that he felt in his gut when we were going to meet that I was going to be the person he wanted to date. So...who knows. It took me a while (some months) before I felt the attraction much in reverse. It's not always obvious.

 

First guy I dated, I had the butterflies like no one's business. I didn't have that for my current boyfriend. But I guess most of that is just getting jaded and more experienced with time (holding hands isn't as crazy-exciting the second or third guy around as it is with the first). There wasn't as much infatuation involved with my boyfriend as opposed to how I've felt in past relationships.

[TheSingleGuy]

Agree, the advice is from a woman. First, if you don't approach women, they won't approach you. Period. Men approach women, not the other way around.

 

So, in her tiny little female brain, just sitting back and waiting patiently works for her. It won't work for you because your a guy. Women don't approach you. Rarely will us guys even pick up on "obvious" signals that a girl likes us and wants us to ask her out. The female version of the "approach" usually goes undetected...it is that pathetic.

 

Chemistry: If you aren't getting "chemistry" on dates, is because YOU, as the guy, aren't generating "chemistry". Yes, you are BLOWING it with these women you are dating.

 

Chemistry is bull****. If you ask women "Is seducing women a skill?" They will all answer "yes". Also, you can phrase the question another way, because a lot of women, and people in general, view the term "seduction" as a bad, evil word.

 

So another way to phrase this question is to ask a woman this: "Suppose you woke up tomorrow morning in a man's body. And also, assume that you are now attracted to women. You have this urge to be with women now, instead of men. So you wake up tomorrow morning in a man's body and want to seduce a woman. Would you better, equal to or worse at seducing women than the average man?" They will all answer "better" without hesitating. This proves that seduction is a skill for men. And the biggest part of seducing a woman is making her feel "chemistry". That's what seduction is all about.

 

This woman gave you good advice...if you are woman. For men, this advice is HORRIBLE.

[Emilia]

Though, in saying that, I've gone about my life before without the intent to date, and nothing has really happened. It was only when I got intentional that things started happening. I do hope to be married somebody, but I'm just wondering how has it all come about for you guys? Were you actually pursuing until you met someone that was compatible? Or did you just go about everyday life and through that you met someone?

 

As someone else said, she is a woman, for us meeting someone can just happen even if we are shy. It's harder for men if they aren't pro-active.

 

When you go out and actively pursue dating prospects, it isn't just about finding a new partner or some FWB, it is also about learning about yourself and learning what you want.

 

Recently I have decided to take a more active approach and approach/encourage men I want to be with rather than just hope to be approached. I find that as a result I'm changing my dating preferences and taking more risks.

[Ross MwcFan]

Whenever I have met someone online (never been successful with anyone offline) it has always been when I wasn't looking.

 

Whenever I have looked or tried, I've never gotten anywhere.

[volkl1996]

I think a better thing to say is "it will happen when you are healthy, know what you want, what you do not want and you are ready".

 

The past 11+ months of dating for me has been a major learning and growing experience.

 

I too keep hearing "you are not ready" or "you need more time" or "it will happen when you are not looking". Well, if I am not looking then how can it happen? I have to be proactive. The ones that come on strong to me do not work out for me..they are not my type.

 

I met someone 3 weeks ago online. We exchanged a lot of fun, witty and flirty emails. She shared enough about her "story" to intrigue me. I started liking her. I decided to wait before meeting her versus meeting right away. She was new to online too so I wanted her to have her time online before we met.

 

We finally met at a local restaurant for a couple of hours, drank water (I later found out she did that on purpose as she did not want alcohol to influence us). We met again Friday night and major fireworks went off. It was fantastic, wonderful, nice to feel "those" feelings for a woman again.

[somedude81]

It'll happen when you're female.

[Imajerk17]

I agree with most of the other posts on here. "It will happen when you least expect it" if you keep approaching women, putting yourself in situations where you are likely to meet people, and taking up some interesting hobbies, and participating in online dating.

 

That said, I'm all for taking a break from dating to focus on self-improvement (for a short time), or being more selective in your approaches.

 

In your case counterman, I do think you ought to be somewhat more selective in your approaches, whom you actually ask out. Sounds like you are pretty decent at it, so you are past the "practice" stage.

Edited April 2, 2012 by Imajerk17

[PJKino]

Ive tried that for the first 31 years of my life and its gotten me nowhere..As a Man unless youre really good looking it wont just happen you have to make it happen..

Edited April 2, 2012 by PJKino

[gotye]

Agree, the advice is from a woman. First, if you don't approach women, they won't approach you. Period. Men approach women, not the other way around.

 

So, in her tiny little female brain, just sitting back and waiting patiently works for her. It won't work for you because your a guy. Women don't approach you. Rarely will us guys even pick up on "obvious" signals that a girl likes us and wants us to ask her out. The female version of the "approach" usually goes undetected...it is that pathetic.

 

omg so true

recently I directly told a guy i liked him and he was like; omg, I thought you hated me

 

so obviously my "playing uninterested and aloof" most of the time came out as "not interested" so women's signals are bad... at least mine... though many times I have asked guys out

[Oxy Moronovich]

Bad advice. You can take a break from dating if you wanna. But never, ever take a break from actively socializing with women and improving your relationship skills in dealing with women.

 

Many people will take a break from dating but find themselves acting terribly around the opposite sex when they get back into dating. For example, after a heartbreak, people will take a long time to cope and get over the breakup. But they will shut themselves up from others instead of keeping sociable. Then, when they finally get back into dating, they've found out their dating skills are garbage. What do they expect? When you shut yourself up from others for months or years, your social skills go down the toilet.

[Emilia]

Bad advice. You can take a break from dating if you wanna. But never, ever take a break from actively socializing with women and improving your relationship skills in dealing with women.

 

Many people will take a break from dating but find themselves acting terribly around the opposite sex when they get back into dating. For example, after a heartbreak, people will take a long time to cope and get over the breakup. But they will shut themselves up from others instead of keeping sociable. Then, when they finally get back into dating, they've found out their dating skills are garbage. What do they expect? When you shut yourself up from others for months or years, your social skills go down the toilet.

 

Exactly. Besides, you should give yourself a chance and learn about yourself as well as the opposite sex. I react to men much differently now than 10 years ago.

[wildgeese]

I have to say that I'm probably one of the few on here who will agree with her. I don't think she was saying "stop actively socializing", I think it's more about stop actively putting pressure on yourself about dating. Continue to go on dates, go out with friends and have fun, but don't go out with the sole intent to find someone. Once you let go of the pressure, from yourself and others, you're more open to new kinds of people, you're more open to have fun, you're just more open - which sets things up to let someone into your life when it does happen.

 

I actually did meet my partner by "accident". A friend of mine brought him to a little house party, we chatted about our mutual love for the movie "Tommy Boy", we were a part of some nice table conversation, and we just hit it off. But he was "seeing" this distant friend of mine, so I considered him off-limits. We kept bumping into each other, he had broken things off with the other girl (because he felt a connection with me but that wasn't known to me at the time), and we gradually started to hang out. I didn't go to that party expecting to meet anyone at all - I was going to drink some wine and laugh with my friends! It just happened and it was after I had "given up" on going some pretty awful dates. I was at that point where I just wanted to have fun with my friends and by myself.

 

So I don't think anyone should take that advice too literally. Just relax about everything! That's not to say that that will happen for everyone. Some people really will have to actively search for a partner, but I hope they do so without too much pressure on themselves.

 

And this whole "it's untrue for men because it was said by a woman" is so ridiculous. My partner was obviously in the same boat: he was seeing someone else! I doubt he was expecting to find the person he'd be moving in with 2 years later at that party.

[verhrzn]

I got told a lot that "it'll happen when you least expect it, just live your life!" and even as a woman, I have NEVER found it to be the case.

 

Most people live in isolated situations these days; we live by ourselves, we travel in the same social circles, we have the same routines. All of my female friends are in relationships, and it's very rare to have a single male in the group; and if he is single, well, he is definitely choosing to stay that way. So meeting someone "socially" is out.

 

At work, there is only one single guy in my entire wing of the building, and he's divorced. Any time I go out to the store, I see only couples.

 

Long story short, unless the guy wanders into my living room, I'm going to have to actively seek out single guys.

 

The fact is, "coupled" people say that because it's a pat answer, and because it DID just "happen" for them. If you asked a lottery winner how to win, and their answer was "It just happened," your answer would be "Duh," right? There is a certain amount of luck, and being "out there" increases that luck.

 

The flip side is, you could have my mother's point of view. She's quite Christian, and she advised me this weekend that if a relationship isn't in God's plan for me, then trying to force one is "working against the Lord." Her advice was for me to accept that God had decided a husband and family are not part of his Divine Plan for me, and thank him for his Heavenly guidance.

 

... So there's always that option. Just accept that God wants you to die alone.

[PlumPrincess]

As someone else said, she is a woman, for us meeting someone can just happen even if we are shy. It's harder for men if they aren't pro-active.

 

When you go out and actively pursue dating prospects, it isn't just about finding a new partner or some FWB, it is also about learning about yourself and learning what you want.

 

Recently I have decided to take a more active approach and approach/encourage men I want to be with rather than just hope to be approached. I find that as a result I'm changing my dating preferences and taking more risks.

"Don't worry, it will happen when you least expect it" is one of the worst advices that I have ever heard. It's simply crappy advice.

[PlumPrincess]

I got told a lot that "it'll happen when you least expect it, just live your life!" and even as a woman, I have NEVER found it to be the case.

 

Most people live in isolated situations these days; we live by ourselves, we travel in the same social circles, we have the same routines. All of my female friends are in relationships, and it's very rare to have a single male in the group; and if he is single, well, he is definitely choosing to stay that way. So meeting someone "socially" is out.

 

At work, there is only one single guy in my entire wing of the building, and he's divorced. Any time I go out to the store, I see only couples.

 

Long story short, unless the guy wanders into my living room, I'm going to have to actively seek out single guys.

I think it can be even small things, like lingering around little longer to give a guy you like a chance to approach you. Or to smile a bit more. Whatever, but without being proactive in some way, you probably won't get anywhere.

 

I thought being independent would make me more attractive. Right now I'm thinking, I look so happily independent that I don't seem to want a guy at all.

[Imajerk17]

Bad advice. You can take a break from dating if you wanna. But never, ever take a break from actively socializing with women and improving your relationship skills in dealing with women.

 

Many people will take a break from dating but find themselves acting terribly around the opposite sex when they get back into dating. For example, after a heartbreak, people will take a long time to cope and get over the breakup. But they will shut themselves up from others instead of keeping sociable. Then, when they finally get back into dating, they've found out their dating skills are garbage. What do they expect? When you shut yourself up from others for months or years, your social skills go down the toilet.

 

I agree with this.

 

The person giving the advice is not only a woman, but a Christian (which I have nothing against). Many Christians are prone to believe in "God's Plan".

[somedude81]

The flip side is, you could have my mother's point of view. She's quite Christian, and she advised me this weekend that if a relationship isn't in God's plan for me, then trying to force one is "working against the Lord." Her advice was for me to accept that God had decided a husband and family are not part of his Divine Plan for me, and thank him for his Heavenly guidance.

 

... So there's always that option. Just accept that God wants you to die alone.

I'm currently on my way to march on Mt. Zion slaying everyone in my path till I reach the High Father in which I will plunge my blade thorough His hart.

 

You may offer yourself as tribute for my righteous cause. Then you shall sing the songs of how you touched the man who fought War of God.

[Teknoe]

"Don't worry, it will happen when you least expect it" is one of the worst advices that I have ever heard. It's simply crappy advice.

 

Well, that's because you're not looking at it beyond surface value. That advice implies that you're busy improving yourself in other areas and facets of life.

 

Chasing a dream job, helping out your community, striving for new levels of physical health, building AND maintaining healthy friendships, etc.

 

The GF/BF thing naturally falls in place for most people when they take care of those other areas of life. The people who complain about this advice are the ones who are likely still too obsessed with the whole BF/GF thing. I don't want to sound like I'm judging, but some of the posters here are clearly hell bent on getting a GF or BF when they are obviously in need of focusing on other aspects of their lives. Which may include finding the inner healing that they need.

[Teknoe]

The flip side is, you could have my mother's point of view. She's quite Christian, and she advised me this weekend that if a relationship isn't in God's plan for me, then trying to force one is "working against the Lord." Her advice was for me to accept that God had decided a husband and family are not part of his Divine Plan for me, and thank him for his Heavenly guidance.

 

... So there's always that option. Just accept that God wants you to die alone.

 

Your mom doesn't know God's will for your life. I don't know how old you are, but in the Bible there are examples of God giving birth to things people have thought impossible. What your mom says might be true, but claiming it as truth is not right in this situation. God could reveal the man of your dreams in 2013. Your mom doesn't know that.

 

However, you can't just sit there complaining. Gotta get the ball of positive momentum going. And since God got brought up, I'd also suggest going back to a church service sometime... notice I didn't say return, but at least visit. Seek God, and you will find Him. Put your ego at the door and look into attending a church service this coming Easter weekend.

 

See what the Lord has in store for you. You might be shocked. Got nothing to lose, V. Update me via PM if you do go

[counterman]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I agree, it is not the best advice to be taken literally... She's a gorgeous woman and I'm sure she's had guy's approaching her and asking her out (I mean, I would have if she wasn't married ). But those guys all had to do something, right? Even her husband didn't idly wait around and it just sort of happened when he wasn't expecting it. But I also see the side of things where I shouldn't expect things to happen. I tend to be a person who over-thinks and I put myself under pressure to do well... With dating, having this mindset could easily leave me jaded and frustrated. Therefore, I'll keep at it and maintain that care-free attitude.

 

I'm not going to stop dating but I'm going to be more selective with whom I ask out... I do enjoy approaching women but if I know that I most likely wouldn't want to see a girl again (for whatever reason) even if we do go on a date, I'm not going to ask her out. Because, frankly, the last few girls I've been on dates with, I've just been left numb. I will take part responsibility for that though, number 1, I may not have been too attracted to them and number 2, the first interactions may not have been that great. But I'm still learning!

 

If I want things to happen, I have to make them happen.