EricaisHappy Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I know the following are bad signs that have been happening, but I am not sure how to "read" them. If I should leave my bf or try to work things out. I need some advice please. We have been together 8 months, lived together 2 months. I know most of you are going to say get out, he will become abusive. He has put his fist through a wall and he has put a bruise on my leg when I wouldnt get in the house at a party one night, more of a "spanking". But it left a mark. I told him that, and he said, "well thats what you get" and laughed. But we were both drunk. He has not been abusive otherwise. That is NOT an excuse for him. Please dont think that. anyways... Here are some things I have noticed: 1. He says if I go out (to the bar) he will "track me down" 2. If I gone (like to pick up a pizza) and it takes me longer than usual, he will text or call me multiple times. 3. He asks what I am doing all the time when he's at work. (I work 3rd shift) 4. If I want to run an errand (like go shopping or to my moms) he has to go. what I dont understand is he seems to not have a temper at all in his day to day life, but these signs are all bad I know. And I dont know if they will get worse, or stay the same, or chill out.
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 you really need advice? I mean - REALLY - !? you know you don't.....
RachR Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) Um....this is not good. Surely he saw the bruise later or you brought it up, after becoming sober? What did he say then about it? Regardless, these are definitely bad signs. Edited April 2, 2012 by RachR
Author EricaisHappy Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 yes I really need advice, or I wouldnt be posting. I know they are bad signs. I am asking if you all think things will get worse or if he will chill out now that we are living together. I have never been with someone like this. He confuses me because he acts like that but then acts so calm and nice to me. Always by my side to help me whenever I need it. He will drop what he's doing to help me. But the he does those things.
RachR Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 yes I really need advice, or I wouldnt be posting. I know they are bad signs. I am asking if you all think things will get worse or if he will chill out now that we are living together. I have never been with someone like this. He confuses me because he acts like that but then acts so calm and nice to me. Always by my side to help me whenever I need it. He will drop what he's doing to help me. But the he does those things. Most likely yes it will get worse. Seven to eight months is right about the time people start becoming more "comfortable" and start showing all they are. Future tip: Don't move in with someone after only 6 months of dating.
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 It does get worse, because they complacently believe that if you stick around, you're giving tacit approval of the way they are treating you. And actually, that's exactly what you're doing. by staying, you indicate to them that the way they behave is ok. and they begin to up the ante. They really don't care where your limit is, or where you'll draw the line. They don't even think about your side of things any more. The fact is, they can behave like that, because it begins to erode your resistance,and you begin to stay out of fear, not out of love.... They get away with it, because we let them.
Author EricaisHappy Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 well thats really scary. I dont want to think I am enabling him. I dont want to leave him either though. I told him I was going out with my friends friday and he said "oh now your demanding instead of asking" I told him I dont have to ask. So when he got home today he had a major attitude and told me he was pissed. He said "dont you think I'll do whatever it takes" I wasnt sure what that meant, so I gave in. So yea- I can see where you are coming from on me enabling him.
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 i know leaving him sounds painful. But please believe me when i tell you that staying with him will become more and more and more painful.... and you will know emotional pain in a way you never believed possible. As for possible physical pain? i really don't want to even go there.. Bruising? "leaving a mark"....? god help me, you have to get out of this now....
kaylan Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Um...break up with him and file a police report. "Track you down"? The dude sounds highly controlling and dangerous. Get out, then employ the assistance of some male family members if this guy gives you trouble when you dump him.
Author EricaisHappy Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 Thank you- like I said, I have never been in a situation like this, so its hard to tell if he will become abusive. I figured the smack on the leg was because he was drunk. but thanks for the reply's.
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 it's not hard to tell. you're just hoping it won't be. Ask any profile of abused women how their abuse started, and I bet you'd be able to compare notes... it all starts innocently enough, as banter and the odd knock..... Tell us you are definitely going to walk away from this one, before you get taken to Er in an ambulance..... And no, sister, i am most definitely not being over-dramatic. do you have any idea how many women died last year, in the UK, from physical abuse? Over 100. (and 22 male deaths, just to keep it in perspective, and not imply it's all one-sided....) every single one of those deaths - every single one - could have been avoided. please, be clever. Not a statistic.
Yare Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 why would you wanna stick around until he becomes more aggresive?? leave now! he sounds horrible! The more you wait, the worse it gets. Did you go out with your friends or not?
RachR Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) I told him I was going out with my friends friday and he said "oh now your demanding instead of asking" ... Wtf? But good for you for at least telling him you don't have to ask him for permission. This relationship needs to end now. Will become abusive? He's already started it, this is how it goes and it becomes worse. MAJOR RED FLAGS!!!! Edited April 2, 2012 by RachR
shayla Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I am assuming that you have been raised. Why on earth would you need to be re raised by some guy? If you know what is good for you, you will get out now. Take it from someone who was beaten within an inch of her life by the controlling boyfriend who became horribly abusive ex husband. A man will be sweet as can be until he is comfortable. You live with him now, so he can do whatever to restrain you in the house and all kinds of foolishness. He's punched a wall. If you stay with him, within 6 months it will be your face that he's punching.
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 shayla, I'm so sorry you went through your dreadful experience - and thank you for posting. it's more sobering when it comes from the horse's mouth. I hope you are well, and that life is much much better for you now....
RiverRunning Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Erica, your replies make it clear that you aren't going to leave. It baffles me then that you would even post about something so serious with leaving already off of the table. A situation like this can only end so many ways, and I'm afraid to say that most end quite badly for you. The ONLY possible way I could see this relationship continuing and evolving in a healthy way? You move out of the house. You have an intervention with some mutual family members and friends about his controlling behavior. You ask him to get into counseling and let him know that your relationship is on hold until he does so. But that involves HIM recognizing his own behavior patterns and being willing to make a change - which is very unlikely to happen. I would even suggest, in less serious situations, that you parrot his behavior back at him an act controlling. But that could go one of two ways - he will blow up and become even more abusive to you, or because he gets security out of essentially stalking you, you stalking him in reverse will only make him feel more secure. The writing's on the wall: you need to GTFO. He's acting like this already ... it's only going to get worse. I was fortunate in that I once dated someone who was so jealous of my friends (and me interacting with my one-year-old cousin) that he would physically pull me away from those people if he could, or call me 20 times in a row if he wasn't physically present. I couldn't stand that kind of nonsense. I don't see how you tolerate something that's much worse. 1
mostlyclueless Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 He isn't going to BECOME abusive, he already is. Get out. 2
Star Gazer Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Is this the same boyfriend you're hoping is about to propose?
Author EricaisHappy Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 yes stargazer.....it WAS. but in the FEW days even since I wanted to go out with my friends it has gotten worse. So the "hoping" for a proposal is out of the question. He has a problem with my friends because the are married and go out to bars and a few have cheated. But I am not like that. I asked him today if I made new friends if he would have a problem with me going out with them and he said yes. So its a lose lose for me. Its tough now cause we just moved in together and I have no family around here, 3 kids, going to school full-time, working. Those are not excusing on not getting out, but I cannot see hauling my kids to a shelter at the moment cause he put his fist through a wall when he was drunk. And Shayla- I am so sorry for what you went through. I am glad you were strong enough to get away.
veggirl Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Wow. Where were you living before you moved in with him? And you brought 3 kids into this guys home after only 6 months? Oh gosh. where are they when he is acting like this?
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Think woman, think....! There is always a way - and any way is preferable to the alternative that doubtless awaits you. Call a member of your family. Either get them to come and pick you up, or grab a cab and worry about paying for it when you get there. anything is better than this. Don't think you can't move three kids.... a mother lying in a hospital bed, battered and bruised, can't move her kids. And you're teaching them something, aren't you? You're teaching them that this kind of behaviour is ok for a man to give, and acceptable for a woman to take..... Find a way out. there is always a way out. 3
veggirl Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Yeah and if you aren't there for a career (I'm assuming you're not since it doesn't sound like you can support yourself financially?), why can't you move to another state where your family is at? Gosh, please never again move in with a man that you will be financially dependent on. Dream come true for him.
kaylan Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) What I wanna know is why did you move yourself and 3 kids in with a guy youve been seeing less than a year. Honestly I think the time table for moving in increases when kids are involved. So normally if two single people without kids might live together after 1-2 years together, I believe that should be increased to 2 to 3 years when kids are involved. Because its even more important to truly know someone when you are bringing them into your childs life as well. I believe its irresponsible to move your kids in with a guy you had only been seeing 6 months. Especially when there is 3 of them. If you were really thinking about your kids well being, you would leave him NOW. Before he has a chance to hurt them or you. The scars of an abused child take a long time to heal and I dont trust this guy right now...and being abused does a lot to a childs psychological development, even if it happens just once. Edited April 2, 2012 by kaylan
NeverDated Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 You have 3 children. This is no longer about you or what you feel comfortable with. You're jeopardizing them, even if he never lays a hand on them. Your kids hear it, and don't for one minute try to convince yourself otherwise. Make all the excuses you want, I've made them, too, and know they are BS. Female children learn how to please a man by watching what their mother does. Male children learn how to treat a woman by watching what their mother accepts. It doesn't matter how much you "love" him or how "hard" it will be to move. You need to teach your children that abusive behavior is never, ever tolerated.
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