wilt Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 This is my situation; I had an on/off affair with a co-worker last year, we are both married, she unhappily, me happily (or so I thought, why else would I have had the affair in the first place right?) Long story short, my now pregnant wife found out, (d-day 1) I denied it and lied about it and she never really believed me but wanted to. Being the awesome husband I am, the on/off affair continued somewhat. A few months later she confronted me and I couldn't hold it in longer and confessed, d-day 2 ensued, etc. Needless to say, the affair is over and done with. My wife has been absolutely amazing about everything, with her doing everything to move forward and has forgiven me. Anyway, one of the things that occurred during the whole mess of the affair, was during one of the 'off' parts when we tried to end it, I went to a rub and tug. Twice. I felt **** after each time and pretty disgusted and have since stopped going, and never felt like it was something I should confess to. But now that the withdrawal symptoms from the affair have lessened, my mind has now started to obsess about the rub and tugs. I know it seems minimal in comparison to the affair, but my mind keeps going back to it and obsessing with it and so the guilt comes and weighs down. And my wife is doing so much better now, when we went through the 2nd d-day she said she was going to leave but we somehow managed to stave it off, and we're at such a better place now. I'm afraid that bringing it up now well ruin everything again. Now I'm not so sure, whether I should tell her about this and rip open the wounds all over again, or for me to just bear it and let it be, and continue on repairing the relationship the affair ruined?
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I should tell her about this and rip open the wounds all over again, or for me to just bear it and let it be, and continue on repairing the relationship the affair ruined? This. Don't be a total moron, ok?
seren Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I have absolutely no idea what a rub and tug is, I am assuming it involves casual sex. If so, your obssessing about it now that the initial whirlwind after D Day has settled somewhat is a huge red flag and seems to me that you haven't looked at you, at what your problem is that saw you having an A before trying to either repair your marriage or leave to be with the OW. As for telling your wife, I would say of course you should tell her, truth will out and believe me to be told something after the healing process has started will cause real damage to your reconciliation. It sends a BS back to square one and the recovery from the omission of truth can destroy any work you both have done. If you do decide to tell her, then I would stress how bad you feel about it (if indeed you do) and how you also want to be totally honest. My H hid something from me, not rub and tugs watever that may be, and it sent me skyward, I had began to trust that what he had told me was all of it and had made my decision to stay based upon a belief that he had been 100% honest, to find out he was hiding something all but saw me throwing him out the door. It was only by seeing his actions and his willingness to fix what was broken in himself, that saw me staying and us reconciling, it's been 4 and a half years. You wide should be afforded the courtesy of the truth so she can make an informed choice about whether she wants to stay with you. Why are you becoming obssessed by the r and H, is it because the dust has settled and life is getting ordinary? Bit hard to have an opinion about something I haven't got a clue about, although I seem to have written enough 1
Author wilt Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 This. Don't be a total moron, ok? Thanks. I am leaning towards this, but there's always the devil's (angel's?) advocate voice that tells me I should do otherwise. I have absolutely no idea what a rub and tug is, I am assuming it involves casual sex. Rub and tug = Massage w/ a 'happy ending', aka HJ. believe me to be told something after the healing process has started will cause real damage to your reconciliation. It sends a BS back to square one and the recovery from the omission of truth can destroy any work you both have done. That's the thing, the healing process has already started and we're already in the thick of it, so if I told her now I think it would do more harm than good. Why are you becoming obssessed by the r and H, is it because the dust has settled and life is getting ordinary? Hehe, that's the question I'm finding hard to answer. It's been a few months since it happened and never gave it a second thought until now.
Kidd Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 This is my situation; I had an on/off affair with a co-worker last year, we are both married, she unhappily, me happily (or so I thought, why else would I have had the affair in the first place right?) Long story short, my now pregnant wife found out, (d-day 1) I denied it and lied about it and she never really believed me but wanted to. Being the awesome husband I am, the on/off affair continued somewhat. A few months later she confronted me and I couldn't hold it in longer and confessed, d-day 2 ensued, etc. Needless to say, the affair is over and done with. My wife has been absolutely amazing about everything, with her doing everything to move forward and has forgiven me. Anyway, one of the things that occurred during the whole mess of the affair, was during one of the 'off' parts when we tried to end it, I went to a rub and tug. Twice. I felt **** after each time and pretty disgusted and have since stopped going, and never felt like it was something I should confess to. But now that the withdrawal symptoms from the affair have lessened, my mind has now started to obsess about the rub and tugs. I know it seems minimal in comparison to the affair, but my mind keeps going back to it and obsessing with it and so the guilt comes and weighs down. And my wife is doing so much better now, when we went through the 2nd d-day she said she was going to leave but we somehow managed to stave it off, and we're at such a better place now. I'm afraid that bringing it up now well ruin everything again. Now I'm not so sure, whether I should tell her about this and rip open the wounds all over again, or for me to just bear it and let it be, and continue on repairing the relationship the affair ruined? What is moronic is continuing to lie to your pregnant, betrayed wife. She's trying to forgive you and you're going to keep lying? Nice foundation for a marriage and for the child you're about to bring into the world. But hey, she'll never find out, right?
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I think you should have an honest, straight, open frank discussion with your wife and admit to her that remaining faithful is not in your character, temperament, wiring, programming, whatever. you are one of these people that likes, enjoys and wants sex from different quarters. The only reason you feel guilty, is because you believe you shouldn't be enjoying it. that's down to upbringing, social conditioning and influence and basically what you've learnt or been told. but you're actually a player. you cannot remain faithful to one person, and that's just the way you are. So you have a basic, down-to-earth choice. you either admit this to your wife, and let her have a divorce, so she can find a person who can be faithful to her, and be with her alone - but take full responsibility for your child... or - you shut up, pull your reins in, and man up to the task of remaining with her, being 100% faithful to her for the remainder of your days, and train yourself to be a one-woman man. that's it, in a nutshell. now? Choose.
Spark1111 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 What is moronic is continuing to lie to your pregnant, betrayed wife. She's trying to forgive you and you're going to keep lying? Nice foundation for a marriage and for the child you're about to bring into the world. But hey, she'll never find out, right? You know what wilt? Life is about choices and seems cowardly to me that you will tell the truth when it suits you but omit something when it will damage you and the progress you have made in reconciling. This smacks of "I've been a good boy NOW, so that's all that matters." It's immature. Imagine your wife had an on and off affair with someone, and during the off phase of the affair, found or paid for a random rub with a stranger. Would you want to know that in addition to the affair details? Because I would. It means there are MORE issues we need to deal with if we intend to go successfully forward together. It also means you are still keeping secrets from her and nothing will kill intimacy quicker than the keeping of secrets, certainly of this magnitude, from your partner. 2
Author wilt Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 What is moronic is continuing to lie to your pregnant, betrayed wife. She's trying to forgive you and you're going to keep lying? Nice foundation for a marriage and for the child you're about to bring into the world. But hey, she'll never find out, right? And of course, that's the other side of the coin that I want to pursue. Afraid of the consequences yes, but I guess I should've thought about that before doing it. Sound advice. I have a lot of thinking to do.
Author wilt Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 It also means you are still keeping secrets from her and nothing will kill intimacy quicker than the keeping of secrets, certainly of this magnitude, from your partner. I always thought that telling her would be right thing, but was maybe too afraid to admit it to myself. Actually, you are right and I'm a coward for not telling. Thanks for the advice Spark. 1
standtall Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 , me happily (or so I thought, why else would I have had the affair in the first place right?) Long story short, my now pregnant wife found out, (d-day 1) I denied it and lied about it and she never really believed me but wanted to. Being the awesome husband I am, the on/off affair continued somewhat. Anyway, one of the things that occurred during the whole mess of the affair, was during one of the 'off' parts when we tried to end it, I went to a rub and tug. Twice. I felt **** after each time and pretty disgusted and have since stopped going, and never felt like it was something I should confess to. This has got to be a troll..no real man would 1. Go to an illegitimate massage parlor. 2. Admit to it if he did. If he is...dude..you're a mess.
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